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To be fed up of dp critising my bf?

113 replies

Just47 · 01/05/2021 10:01

I'm a ftm. Since I found out I was pregnant i knew straight away I wanted to bf. This was only solidified for me when I had a bad birth and things got out of hand. I wanted to bf as it was something that I could control and make a positive out of the negative. I explained all this to dp so he understood. It was hard. Very hard. But I persevered and after getting through all the cracked nipples and pain I finally got there and I felt proud of myself.

But this is where it all kind of goes down the drain. Our baby is big, always has been. And from the start of my bfing during my dp has always been very critical. When dc was going through a cluster feed and honestly demanding food he made me feel like my boobs weren't supplying enough. Apparently I was the problem. Obviously being a ftm I thought maybe this was the case but when I brought it up with the mw she reassured me not (my boobs were literally leaking through). He bought me a pump and tried to push it on me, and couldnt understand or respect the fact that I wanted my baby to bf. Not bottle fed. I wanted that closeness and connection. It then became the case that every night my baby woke up he would tell me the baby is clearly hungry and again made me feel inadequate about my supply. So I let him give dc a bottle before bed and apparently he "sleeps better" so I rolled with it because a bottle is more filling and he gets more out of it than boob. I spoke to a hc about this and she told me with bfing the quality of milk is more saturated so even though feeds seem quicker the baby is getting plenty of what he needs (and he is he is a chubby one). Yet now its come to the sleep regression stage every night our little one has a bad sleep dp goes on that it's because he isnt getting enough to eat from me and maybe we should introduce him to solids (even though I've specifically been told to wait till 6 months by every healthcare professional.)

I'm just so tired of this constant battle and feel like my dp unintentionally has a put a massive downer on what I was trying to make a positive experience or myself after everything. It upsets me because I told him during the early stages maybe he praise the fact that I done so well with my bfing journey rather than always having something negative to say and he seemed to of had some realisation moment but has inevitably reverted back to his way. It always makes me feel like I'm not enough for my baby when I know if anything I oversupply. He even picked on the positions I did to feed my baby when he was first born as he thought I was causing him gas ( wasnt true) doing the rugby pose. I had a c section and he wanted me to feed little one facing upright which I could barely do as it hurt to hold him against my scar. I've also told him if I have a drink that I want to wait for at least 2 hours before I bf. I know some people may chose not to and that's fine but it's what i feel comfortable with. But he always tries to push me into bfing sooner and says it's fine and I'm being dramatic. It's my body! Let me bf how I see fit. As I said I dont think dp is trying to be this way. I gave him the benefit of the doubt that we are both first time parents trying to navigate and understand everything and think him confusing cluster feeding for my baby not getting enough to eat is reasonable. But now the new thing is baby should eat solids as my boobs clearly arent enough and I'm exhausted trying to defend my corner. Its put me off if we ever have another baby to try and bf. I think he would be happier bottle feeding. Aibu?

OP posts:
PurpleRainDancer · 01/05/2021 18:16


Frankly he sounds abusive and manipulative I think you and baby would be better off without him, some of his advice isn't just ill advised it's potentially harmful

He's never breastfed, he's not an hcp and he's going off crap on dr google!

I'd leave him just for his stupidity!

Well done for maintaining the bf please speak to hv - honestly - not just about the bf but your partners treatment of you in general. I'm fairly confident she will also suggest Ltb

As you mention weaning onto solids early baby is less than 6 months old?!

Waking in the night is NORMAL for many babies until around 8/9 months and some 1 year +

It sounds like he is jealous - not of the time you have with the baby but of the time baby has with you, he wants you to "belong" to him again.

I think given the way he reacted to your going to your parents he IS abusive and controlling and you're much better off without him

Oh op you are so vulnerable. Go home to your parents, he CANNOT use your mh issues against you and don't dare to let him think so. Millions of mums have pnd it's almost normal. You are not a danger to yourself or your child plus if you were at your parents you'd have support.

He is a waste of space

This is not "parents disagreeing" this is bullying and grinding you down - he knows exactly what he's doing

then he tells me I cant leave and should split dc from him.

Not up to him - you can leave with baby whenever you choose and I think you should

This is the best advice of the thread OP, all I can add is RUN.
WaltzingBetty · 01/05/2021 18:28


I suspect the issue is nothing to do with your baby's feeding pattern and everything to do with stopping your breasts being a source of sustenance for your child and returning to being a source of sexual pleasure for your husband.

I think his 'concern' around you breastfeeding is simply because he wants your breasts to be sexual, and seeing you breastfeed makes him uncomfortable Sad

If it's not too personal, how has your sex life been since giving birth? I suspect your husband is putting his own selfish desires before your comfort and your DS's nutrition.

He sounds like a dick

Dobbyisahouseelf · 01/05/2021 18:35

Seriously tell your DP to piss off. I'm sure others will be more constructive but he just sounds an arse.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 01/05/2021 19:21

You're doing brilliantly OP. Your baby is thriving.

I'm probably your partner's Mum's age (my youngest is 26) and I don't know what she thinks she 'knows', but she's wrong.

Dipi79 · 01/05/2021 19:27

He sounds crap and unsupportive.
I do find it interesting that you repeatedly refer to the baby as "my baby", rather than "our baby".

Graphista · 01/05/2021 19:42

I wouldn't be one bit surprised if your PND was exacerbated by him.


Just47 · 01/05/2021 20:14

@Dipi79 I didnt even realise theres no hidden meaning behind I just refer to dc as my baby for context of this thread. Obviously he is our child.

OP posts:
SonnyWinds · 01/05/2021 20:18

I thought "bf" was "boyfriend", not "breastfeeding". I was thinking it was fair enough for DP to criticise him tbh.

DP sounds like a dickhead but it also sounds like he probably just wants to be involved with feeding the child you share together and is upset that he can't be involved. You do you. Completely ignore the 6 months advice - it was 3 months, then 4 more months, now it's 6 and they're considering moving it back to 4. Babies develop differently - give your baby solids when they're ready, not when they reach an arbitrary number.

honeyrider · 01/05/2021 20:18

The way he reacted to you going to stay at your parents shows how abusive he is and he knows your parents suspect the abuse too which they probably do and he's not happy that you have support from them.

Cherrysoup · 01/05/2021 20:35

Please get your hv to speak to him. I think he is abusive. He’s overriding a basic known beneficial act, is he thick? What will he decide is wrong next? What are the benefits of being with him?

YoniAndGuy · 01/05/2021 20:47

‘If you are going to carry on being controlling, critical and unsupportive I wan going to begin to feel that I don’t want to live with you anymore’

BiggestJulie · 01/05/2021 21:45

OP, I don’t think you have ever said how old your baby is? In any case please don’t ignore the advice to wait until 6 months to introduce solids. All the scientific evidence shows that this is the best way to protect your baby from potential gut issues (an immature gut is not evolved to process food other than milk). In fact the WHO says “Food is just for fun until 1”. Meaning that 6 mos - 1 year giving a baby is just to teach them about the idea of food and what it’s like, how it feels and tastes... The real nutrition comes from Mother’s milk.

That’s for the future. For now, please phase out the bottles. They will seriously harm your supply.

And please don’t worry about having the odd half pint or small glass of wine.

Pebbledashery · 01/05/2021 22:02

God sounds like my ex... I could punch him in the face thinking of him criticising my breastfeeding my daughter.. The health visitor knew I was in an abusive relationship with him and she was so amazing and told me to keep going because my daughter was putting on weight so quickly and she kept saying she was so proud of me..
I'm really proud to say I breastfed my daughter till she was 16 months, it was the natural time to end for me.
Don't give up, it's him.. Not you.
Needless to say, I got rid of that poison in my life and my daughter is utterly thriving.

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