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To be fed up of dp critising my bf?

113 replies

Just47 · 01/05/2021 10:01

I'm a ftm. Since I found out I was pregnant i knew straight away I wanted to bf. This was only solidified for me when I had a bad birth and things got out of hand. I wanted to bf as it was something that I could control and make a positive out of the negative. I explained all this to dp so he understood. It was hard. Very hard. But I persevered and after getting through all the cracked nipples and pain I finally got there and I felt proud of myself.

But this is where it all kind of goes down the drain. Our baby is big, always has been. And from the start of my bfing during my dp has always been very critical. When dc was going through a cluster feed and honestly demanding food he made me feel like my boobs weren't supplying enough. Apparently I was the problem. Obviously being a ftm I thought maybe this was the case but when I brought it up with the mw she reassured me not (my boobs were literally leaking through). He bought me a pump and tried to push it on me, and couldnt understand or respect the fact that I wanted my baby to bf. Not bottle fed. I wanted that closeness and connection. It then became the case that every night my baby woke up he would tell me the baby is clearly hungry and again made me feel inadequate about my supply. So I let him give dc a bottle before bed and apparently he "sleeps better" so I rolled with it because a bottle is more filling and he gets more out of it than boob. I spoke to a hc about this and she told me with bfing the quality of milk is more saturated so even though feeds seem quicker the baby is getting plenty of what he needs (and he is he is a chubby one). Yet now its come to the sleep regression stage every night our little one has a bad sleep dp goes on that it's because he isnt getting enough to eat from me and maybe we should introduce him to solids (even though I've specifically been told to wait till 6 months by every healthcare professional.)

I'm just so tired of this constant battle and feel like my dp unintentionally has a put a massive downer on what I was trying to make a positive experience or myself after everything. It upsets me because I told him during the early stages maybe he praise the fact that I done so well with my bfing journey rather than always having something negative to say and he seemed to of had some realisation moment but has inevitably reverted back to his way. It always makes me feel like I'm not enough for my baby when I know if anything I oversupply. He even picked on the positions I did to feed my baby when he was first born as he thought I was causing him gas ( wasnt true) doing the rugby pose. I had a c section and he wanted me to feed little one facing upright which I could barely do as it hurt to hold him against my scar. I've also told him if I have a drink that I want to wait for at least 2 hours before I bf. I know some people may chose not to and that's fine but it's what i feel comfortable with. But he always tries to push me into bfing sooner and says it's fine and I'm being dramatic. It's my body! Let me bf how I see fit. As I said I dont think dp is trying to be this way. I gave him the benefit of the doubt that we are both first time parents trying to navigate and understand everything and think him confusing cluster feeding for my baby not getting enough to eat is reasonable. But now the new thing is baby should eat solids as my boobs clearly arent enough and I'm exhausted trying to defend my corner. Its put me off if we ever have another baby to try and bf. I think he would be happier bottle feeding. Aibu?

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 01/05/2021 10:04

Tell him to read up on his idiotic statements and fuck off.
I've no practical advice.

superram · 01/05/2021 10:04

I think you need a new dp. Just keep repeating ‘he’s putting on weight, the medical professionals are happy, this is completely normal’. Don’t get into a discussion and stop topping up as that will affect your supply.

SansaClegane · 01/05/2021 10:06

Where do I even start!
You are doing everything right.
Your "D" P is being a controlling, manipulative arse.
Do NOT listen to him and I'm tempted to say don't have another baby with him/ LTB.
He sounds jealous of your baby and wants you / your body to himself, that's what it boils down to.
You are not being unreasonable but he very much is.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 01/05/2021 10:07

He’s a twat. Your baby is gaining weight and sounds normal and happy therefore your supply is absolutely fine.

Maskedrevenger · 01/05/2021 10:11

Would it be possible for your HV to have a chat with him and reassure him, he shouldn’t need to hear it from anyone else but maybe it might take some pressure off you. Do you think he really is concerned about about baby getting enough milk, does he want to feel more involved by bottle feeding, or is he one of those men who has a problem with breastfeeding in general? Try and find out which because each of those reasons will have a different solution.

SpringSparrow · 01/05/2021 10:11

Well done on persevering with breastfeeding. I experienced similar with my first baby, difficult birth and wanting to succeed at breastfeeding, and then cracked nipples, mastitis etc. What you experiencing is totally normal for breastfeeding and you are doing really well. Your dp doesn’t know what he is talking about.

RedHelenB · 01/05/2021 10:13

On!y you know if it's him being paranoid about your baby's health and sleep or a dig at you. But if the hv and you are both happy with your baby's progress don't let him out you off.

StCharlotte · 01/05/2021 10:19

He even picked on the positions I did to feed my baby when he was first born as he thought I was causing him gas ( wasnt true) doing the rugby pose. I had a c section and he wanted me to feed little one facing upright which I could barely do as it hurt to hold him against my scar.

Why? How dare he! What makes him think he's such an expert?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/05/2021 10:20

He is mansplaining. Why does he think that he knows better than midwives and health professionals? And the evidence, which shows if your baby is healthy that he must be getting enough. That alone would piss me off, the complete lack of logic. A quick google search shows that cluster feeding is completely normal and doesn't mean there is a supply issue. I think I'd be sitting down and telling him all this, again and again, until he gets the message

CecilyP · 01/05/2021 10:21

He certainly sounds like Mr Know it All! What has suddenly made him the expert on infant feeding?

Is he like this generally or just with feeding the baby? Do you usually defer to him? You’re doing fine and the baby’s doing fine if he’s putting on weight. Babies wake in the night, it’s what they do. I would second getting the health visitor to have a word with him.

Twizbe · 01/05/2021 10:26

You're doing a great job.

I think you need to have a proper talk to DP and basically say shut up. If he has nothing positive to contribute he can sit down and shut up.

Hankunamatata · 01/05/2021 10:31

Does he want to feed the baby? If you have oversupply you could pump and dp gives bottles breast milk in the evening

Gatehouse77 · 01/05/2021 10:39

Many moons ago I did a breastfeeding workshop when expecting our first. It was scheduled for 3 hours and I was sceptical how we would fill that time. We overran by 20 minutes 🤣

Anyway, I digress. One of the questions posed to us was "what do you think is the most common reason for mums giving up breastfeeding?" (outside of medical reasons). The answer was partners. Sometimes out of genuine concern for the well-being of the mum and how exhausted they might be, sometimes because they were jealous and felt left out or because they thought they were being helpful rather than supporting the choice to breastfeed and the difficulties the mum might encounter.

I found that truly gobsmacking but it has be borne out over time from what I've witnessed over the years.

I would present him with facts and ask the HV for evidence you can show to him.

SamanthaVimes · 01/05/2021 11:13

I’m sorry you’re in this situation OP. If your DP spent 10 minutes on Google he’d realise you’re right and that your baby is fine and you’re doing your best for him. The fact he hasn’t even bothered to do that says a lot.

Don’t let his opinion on it affect how long you feed for. It’s a relationship between you and your baby. Is he controlling in other ways? I think preventing breastfeeding counts as abusive behaviour and it’s not something you should have to put up with.

Just47 · 01/05/2021 11:43

@SamanthaVimes he does constantly google things and loves to show me for his defense but they are always from these funny websites that claim to be medical. I've told him unless it's from a trusted site (nhs) I will not be listening to what random people on the internet have to tell. I know what's right for my baby. My baby is a great weight, infact he is bigger than his average age weight. I just wish he placed more faith in my bfing

OP posts:
User0ne · 01/05/2021 11:46

You're doing a great job bf op.

I would tell your partner that you are following the advice of the healthcare professionals and that you want him to come to the next appointment (if there isn't one for a while make one with your health visitor). Mention to the HV beforehand that you specifically want to discuss bf supply and weaning as your dp is pressing you to introduce solids early and you don't think he understands the current guidance.

Tbh though if this is reflective of what he's going to be like to parent with I'd sadly be making plans to do so without him

Just47 · 01/05/2021 11:47

@DrinkFeckArseBrick I have told him countless times I've spoken to health professionals and they have all advise the same thing but apparently what he knows is best. Its annoys me because alot of what he goes based off comes from his mum who bad babies 20 plus years ago and he should know better than anyone that the advice she was given is most definitely outdated by now.

The most annoying thing though is the fact that since he is so adamant in his ways I've simply told him if he calls up a health professional and asks them about feeding solids sooner and they agree then I will have no problem in it. But no. He doesn't want to. Apparently I should just trust in him and a few articles on the internet and go completely against what the people that brought my baby into the world have told me. He doesnt understand why I dont feel comfortable going against it.

OP posts:
Just47 · 01/05/2021 11:49

@User0ne I have done exactly that! It's not good enough. According to him these health professionals cant be trusted as I didnt have a smooth birth and they weren't so reliable then..its pathetic. I hate having to defend my corner when it's literally professionals vs him

OP posts:
Horehound · 01/05/2021 11:49

I think you need to leave your partner asap

devuskums · 01/05/2021 11:50

It sounds like are doing a great job, well done. Do you think your partner is jealous of the connection you have with your baby because you bf?

Just47 · 01/05/2021 12:00

@devuskums the thought never crossed my mind. I highly doubt it as he is so hands on and gets plenty of time with dc. Not really sure what it is sometimes he makes comments that he cant wait for my boobs to become his again but I thought nothing for that and took it very light hearted

OP posts:
Just47 · 01/05/2021 12:01

I want to add I dont think he is trying to manipulate me into stopping bfing. I honestly think he just believes what he says is right in the moment and nothing can debunk that even if a professional says otherwise

OP posts:
babba2014 · 01/05/2021 12:03

Well done for nursing all this time despite the negativity around you! You are a super mum for this. It's hard in itself and to have people put you down... Wow I'm not sure I would have coped.

You have plenty of supply for your baby. The whole point of them cluster feeding etc is to make their supply specific to their needs.

Personally I'd ditch the bottle and tell dp to keep his mouth closed. This Breastfeeding journey is for you and baby and honestly when days get tough for baby seeing this big bad world, that constant feeding at night helps baby because you are baby's world.

I found Breastfeeding tough with my first but I'm so glad I stuck by it because it becomes so easy months later. No bottles to wash etc. Third baby now and it is so natural.

Becoming a mother made me toughen up and not care about anyone elses opinion. This is of course really hard in your situation as it's your dp being like this. He doesn't know though. I guess you'll have to teach him by showing. Waking up frequently is a good thing. It doesn't have to be bad because society makes us think we need a full night's sleep (you'll get plenty of those later). My midwife also said the feed is different at night, the milk is different. It's good stuff for baby.

You're literally in the leg of nursing where baby will and is expected to wake up a lot to create a customised supply of milk. This means lots of frequent waking. It will happen in months to come too as baby adjusts to everything happening around him/her.

Personally I have issues with birth workers because they do interfere unnecessarily with a lot of births. A lot of lies told too during pregnancy. He isn't totally wrong. But when it comes to Breastfeeding you know exactly what you're doing. You're way more informed than I was with my first. It's the most natural thing. You need baby to wake up to build a supply just for baby so that you will no longer have leaky days etc. Keep going with it. Show him by just carrying on. Ignore his remarks, as tough as it is and ditch the bottle if you can as that will affect your supply. I personally never bothered with a pump.
You're making the right amount for your baby so keep going. Whatever you do don't engage in discussion about Breastfeeding with him and he'll have to shut up eventually.

Babymamaroon · 01/05/2021 12:05

Literally tell him to STFU and tell him you don't want to hear another word about it.

End of.

You're doing a great job. Have zero tolerance for his bullshit.

Soozikinzi · 01/05/2021 12:10

You're doing a great job and your son will be benefiting so much from the bf . You must carry on as it suits you and your son . I fed all my 5 sons and so I know it's so bonding and beneficial for them . Your partner sounds like he is trying to be controlling. Your past the new mum stage now so you must stick up for yourself and say it's gone great so far , he putting on weight really well so obviously mum knows best . That's that .

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