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To be fed up of dp critising my bf?

113 replies

Just47 · 01/05/2021 10:01

I'm a ftm. Since I found out I was pregnant i knew straight away I wanted to bf. This was only solidified for me when I had a bad birth and things got out of hand. I wanted to bf as it was something that I could control and make a positive out of the negative. I explained all this to dp so he understood. It was hard. Very hard. But I persevered and after getting through all the cracked nipples and pain I finally got there and I felt proud of myself.

But this is where it all kind of goes down the drain. Our baby is big, always has been. And from the start of my bfing during my dp has always been very critical. When dc was going through a cluster feed and honestly demanding food he made me feel like my boobs weren't supplying enough. Apparently I was the problem. Obviously being a ftm I thought maybe this was the case but when I brought it up with the mw she reassured me not (my boobs were literally leaking through). He bought me a pump and tried to push it on me, and couldnt understand or respect the fact that I wanted my baby to bf. Not bottle fed. I wanted that closeness and connection. It then became the case that every night my baby woke up he would tell me the baby is clearly hungry and again made me feel inadequate about my supply. So I let him give dc a bottle before bed and apparently he "sleeps better" so I rolled with it because a bottle is more filling and he gets more out of it than boob. I spoke to a hc about this and she told me with bfing the quality of milk is more saturated so even though feeds seem quicker the baby is getting plenty of what he needs (and he is he is a chubby one). Yet now its come to the sleep regression stage every night our little one has a bad sleep dp goes on that it's because he isnt getting enough to eat from me and maybe we should introduce him to solids (even though I've specifically been told to wait till 6 months by every healthcare professional.)

I'm just so tired of this constant battle and feel like my dp unintentionally has a put a massive downer on what I was trying to make a positive experience or myself after everything. It upsets me because I told him during the early stages maybe he praise the fact that I done so well with my bfing journey rather than always having something negative to say and he seemed to of had some realisation moment but has inevitably reverted back to his way. It always makes me feel like I'm not enough for my baby when I know if anything I oversupply. He even picked on the positions I did to feed my baby when he was first born as he thought I was causing him gas ( wasnt true) doing the rugby pose. I had a c section and he wanted me to feed little one facing upright which I could barely do as it hurt to hold him against my scar. I've also told him if I have a drink that I want to wait for at least 2 hours before I bf. I know some people may chose not to and that's fine but it's what i feel comfortable with. But he always tries to push me into bfing sooner and says it's fine and I'm being dramatic. It's my body! Let me bf how I see fit. As I said I dont think dp is trying to be this way. I gave him the benefit of the doubt that we are both first time parents trying to navigate and understand everything and think him confusing cluster feeding for my baby not getting enough to eat is reasonable. But now the new thing is baby should eat solids as my boobs clearly arent enough and I'm exhausted trying to defend my corner. Its put me off if we ever have another baby to try and bf. I think he would be happier bottle feeding. Aibu?

OP posts:
Mistressinthetulips · 01/05/2021 13:22

Of course you can drink (some) alcohol and breastfeed, I rarely had the energy for it but I knew I could! Though I understood it to take a while for the alcohol (the minute amount) to reach both blood and milk, so drinking and then feeding close together would be better if that is true. I had an nhs midwife who said we needed to pump and dump - which I already knew was untrue from my health visitor and other research - so I do not always believe that being a professional means you know everything about breastfeeding. I think your dh needs to stop but I also think you need to become a lot more thick skinned about comments - let them slide off you, while you continue feeding your LO with a Madonna-esqe contented smile on your face. It really is still early days here.

Just47 · 01/05/2021 13:24

@Mistressinthetulips I wouldnt mind shrugging him off usually. But it's becoming consistent and its tiring to have to always fight my corner.

OP posts:
Horehound · 01/05/2021 13:29

I really think you need to leave this man op

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 01/05/2021 13:30

[quote Just47]@NeverDropYourMoonCup I really hope this is not true. It's always been one of the greatest fears of mine as him and his family are quite overbearing and sometimes I wonder if they'd be happier without me in the picture with dc...[/quote]
I think it's possible you might need to pack up and stay with your parents until you can find somewhere else to live. OK, it'll mean potentially not going out for a bit and doing the nighttime feeds all by yourself, but you won't have to deal with slamming doors and constant undermining. It might also cut off any attempts to suggest you have mental health issues and the baby would therefore be safer with him and his mother as he provided all the care when you neglected to feed the baby properly.

I would very much like to be wrong. But it doesn't feel right that a man is so invested in stopping you BF and is escalating his behaviour into aggression when you resist.

notsorighteousthesedays · 01/05/2021 13:36

I'm sorry you're having to go through this - it must really take the shine off what should be precious time with your baby.
Try not to let it bother you so much (easily said) and carry on doing what you know is best for your baby.
He is being unkind in continuing to nag about this when he knows it upsets you - you and your baby are both doing well so there is no reason for him to try and make you change.....

katnyps · 01/05/2021 13:42

Oh Op this sounds so tough - I really feel for you! If a partner is supportive it can make breast feeding so much easier, but it sounds like the opposite is also true.

It sounds like you're doing everything right, as previous people have said, and you just need to hear it from other mums to help keep your sanity!

It sounds like you're so knowledgeable about breastfeeding so I'm sure you know this but the more bottles he gives, the more it will affect your supply - and you need to be careful about mastitis if the baby is full from a bottle and feeds less from you (from personal experience one to avoid if possible!).

If your parents are supportive I'd try to spend more time with them, and agree with what others have said re not letting him take your child to his parents alone.

Believe in yourself - imagine what your future self in 5 years time would say to you right now xxx

Pinkflipflop85 · 01/05/2021 13:49


You can’t drink and bf your baby. If you mean alcoholic drink.

Yes you can. Just not to excess. Which would be the same for any parent in charge of a baby.
SmallPrawnEnergy · 01/05/2021 13:49

he makes comments that he cant wait for my boobs to become his again
What the actual fuck?

I am willing to bet that this isn't the only subject or area he is controlling in and there have been massive red flags slapping you in the face throughout this relationship. Wake up before it's too late.

Voomster953 · 01/05/2021 13:50

Are you young OP?

Your posts, and the very astute posts by @NeverDropYourMoonCup are making me worried for you.

Just47 · 01/05/2021 13:51

@Voomster953 yes I am why

OP posts:
Voomster953 · 01/05/2021 13:57

[quote Just47]@Voomster953 yes I am why[/quote]
Just something in the tone of your posts. It’s not a criticism, just it might be another way in which you could be vulnerable to what your partner appears to be doing. And the heavy involvement of his mother and ‘overbearing family’ is another big red flag.

If you were my little sister, I’d be very concerned at the way he’s bullying you, controlling you and attempting to exclude you from your own baby. And the way he spoke about your breasts was revolting. My advice to you would be to go home to your parents house with your baby, and continue doing as you’re doing. Keep breastfeeding if you want to and are able, that has fuck all to do with him. He can visit you and the child at yours, but as you’re EBF, he can’t separate you from each other.

I think you need to rethink things.

LizB62A · 01/05/2021 14:06

My guess is that he sees your breasts as "his property" and he's jealous of the baby.
He sounds very controlling and his actions make it look like he's actively trying to get your milk supply to reduce so that you can't breastfeed any more, even though you're very clear that this is really important to you.
Have a long hard think before you have another child with this man as I doubt he'll "let" you breastfeed again.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 01/05/2021 14:07

[quote Just47]@devuskums the thought never crossed my mind. I highly doubt it as he is so hands on and gets plenty of time with dc. Not really sure what it is sometimes he makes comments that he cant wait for my boobs to become his again but I thought nothing for that and took it very light hearted[/quote]
It wasn't lighthearted. Not at all.

He thinks your boobs belong to him. He wants the baby off the boob so he can resume his rightful ownership 😒

He isn't stupid - no amount of "evidence" will ever convince him, because he doesn't actually believe that "his way" is better. He knows BF is better. He doesn't care. He just wants it to stop.

So don't waste your breath arguing. I'd instead try "Every time you tell me your ridiculous opinions about how my body works, it makes my vagina shrivel up and die at the level of stupidity. It's at the point now where I'm genuinely embarrassed for you."

Sadly I don't think you're in a position yet to see this situation for what it is. Relationships board is over that way --> when you want a more measured response than you'll get in AIBU.

Flappityflippers1 · 01/05/2021 14:08

sometimes he makes comments that he cant wait for my boobs to become his again

Ew this made my fanny clamp shut. Gross gross gross.

I don’t even have any practical advice OP, I’ve been reading this thread with my jaw hanging open Shock

Well done on breastfeeding as long as you have! Good luck getting this sorted, your DP sounds like a right arse.

Flappityflippers1 · 01/05/2021 14:11


sometimes he makes comments that he cant wait for my boobs to become his again

Ew this made my fanny clamp shut. Gross gross gross.

I don’t even have any practical advice OP, I’ve been reading this thread with my jaw hanging open Shock

Well done on breastfeeding as long as you have! Good luck getting this sorted, your DP sounds like a right arse.

Actually quoting myself as re-reading again “can’t wait for my boobs to become his again” and I’m just gobsmacked. Wtaf?

He thinks your boobs and body are for him, that he can dictate what you do with them. He wants to stop you proving it the best thing for your baby, for his own sexual desires - just wtaf!

I hate saying LTB but... that is a deal breaker for me.
Nanny0gg · 01/05/2021 14:23

[quote Just47]@devuskums the thought never crossed my mind. I highly doubt it as he is so hands on and gets plenty of time with dc. Not really sure what it is sometimes he makes comments that he cant wait for my boobs to become his again but I thought nothing for that and took it very light hearted[/quote]
That would give me the rage

PinkArt · 01/05/2021 14:25

Another one here who thinks the his boobs comment wasn't meant remotely light-heartedly. He meant that. He sees your body as his property and your baby breastfeeding as getting in the way of that.
I think both you and your baby would be better off away from him. Is that something your parents could help with? I'm guessing if you've gone to stay with them before that they are aware there are problems in your relationship

BlackMarauder · 01/05/2021 14:28

Op you can't see it now but this man is abusive and you're on your way to being trapped, unmarried with multiple kids. He wants to control everything about you including your body. You're probably too young and inexperienced to see this but you need to make plans to leave this man. Please don't tell me you're SAHM. For the love of god, you've seen how he treats you with one DC don't make things worse by having another.

Lesssaideasymended · 01/05/2021 14:30

How dare he!!! Tell him to f right off.

Twizbe · 01/05/2021 14:34

My DH has made a comment similar to 'boobs being his again soon' BUT he never once told me to stop breastfeeding or was anything but supportive of me doing it. It was very much said in jest.

Without the support of you breastfeeding, I doubt his comment was really a joke.

A lot of men struggle with becoming dads. They struggle with no longer being number 1. Suddenly you're not there for just his comfort. They struggle with us using our bodies for what they are designed for rather than just sex. Some dads, who are all for 50/50, struggle with EBF because they somehow feel cheated of their full 50%.

BetterKateThanNever · 01/05/2021 14:37

I don't mean to excuse him for his behaviour- it's appalling. Could this be his way of putting a dampner on your parenting because he feels left out that he can't support your baby as you do? I know lots of parents who almost have a secondary role feel left out and could take that out on their partner.

Would/could you consider expressing and letting your partner feed the baby from a bottle? Unsure if you've done this already but maybe letting him bond with the baby during feeds could help him feel more included?

For what it's worth it sounds like you're doing an excellent job and your baby is happy and healthy. Best of luck to you all x

Just47 · 01/05/2021 14:41

@BlackMarauder ah yes I am. I'm really worried over the fact that I've nothing to my name and I'm well aware dp could use my mental health against me (pnd.) But I never once let it get in the way of my parenting. I am hundred and ten percent devoted to my dc and love them with all my heart. I've already expressed this worry to dp and he called me irrational for it. He said he will never take dc from me but who knows. Peoples minds change and words cant be trusted

OP posts:
Just47 · 01/05/2021 14:42

So no apology today for last nights outburst. He just isnt talking to me as much and when he does he is trying to come across like normal.

OP posts:
Just47 · 01/05/2021 14:45

@BetterKateThanNever he feeds dc about 3 times a day. He spends most his time with dc. I highly doubt its him feeling left out and would be very surprised if that is the case! I hate that its lending either to a possessiveness over either dc or me. I honestly just thought he was being stubborn in thinking what he knew was best

OP posts:
BlackMarauder · 01/05/2021 14:53

Why would you believe him when he says he'd never take your DC away from you. He's trying to take your breast milk away from your DS as we speak! You're being very naïve in trusting this man when you don't have a pot to piss in. He won't even marry you! There's so many threads on here with women in similar situations like yourself and they're trapped and screw when DP decides to leave. You've placed yourself and DC in a precarious position.

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