To worry that my DC have it too comfortable?

[Headyhurty]

They're 18 and 20yo. Both working full time, but not with any great prospects and they don't seem to have any drive for a good career. They both did just enough at school to get their 5 GCSEs with maths and english and to stay out of trouble, but no more than they had to. Neither interested in continuing their education.

This is alien to me as I was a proper swot at school and have always been driven in my career. They take after their father. DH did eventually apply himself after DC were born, in his 30s and ended up a decent earner despite no qualifications, but the entry routes he took aren't available to people without a degree today.

DC have always been expected to do chores, to work, I don't think they've been spoilt particularly, they never had designer labels unless they paid for them, toys and devices only at birthdays etc, but ultimately whenever any disaster befalls us or them, we are comfortable enough to deal with it relatively painlessly. I'm not even sure it's a concious position, they aren't outwardly entitled, but they seem to just know everything will be OK for them.

Now, this is the place you'd want your DC to be, I supposed, but it would like them to achieve something for themselves too, even if onyl for the sense of achievement.

I dotn give them anything except modest birthday and Christmas presents now and they pat some keep, but with no real expenses they are very comfortable financially and don't seem to feel any need to better themselves. TBF, they don't want a lot materially, most of their money is spent on takeaways!

Or maybe they've got it right and it's me who shouldn't have pushed myself so hard?

Do they live at home, do they pay rent?

They're very young still. When they move out and have to pay for everything themselves it may make them more driven to earn more.
Or as you say, they may just have a different approach to life and career which is surely fine too, as long as they're happy?

If they only give a token rent then they probably have in pocket what their student friends have. If you are on mim wage with no outgoings then can feel well off at 18.

The problem is if a friend earns £30k after Uni but is paying £14k for rent and then £6k in trains fairs they are still “quids in”. Hopefully they will want to move out at some point and have chance to climb the job ladder. Totally depends on what market they are in.

Are they nice op?
That would matter to me more than anything...
One of my adult dc is tbh bloody awful.

At 18 and 20 it's pretty normal to be living at home or still relying on parents.
It's also normal to still be in an entry level job / unsure of what they want to do.

I wouldn't change or push anything for now. It's been a shit year for us all but especially young people of their age.
Once things get ticking a bit more, they might find their ambition or something that interests them that they want to pursue. Give it a year or so.

Have they any real knowledge as to how much mortgages cost, how much bills are, how much to save? Have you had these conversations with them? Possibly because they are still living at home it just feels like going to work (in a non-career job) is a bit like going to school, but with more spends.

I would at least encourage them to be saving a proportion of their earnings, and looking into costs of rentals so they are more prepared. There will likely come a time they want to move out and if real budgeting is an unknown they will have a hard time. Maybe you should show them all your household bills and also costs of holidays, food, extra things like bedding, towels, household stuff etc.

Gosh they are very young, ones still a teenager. I think you’re maybe asking for a lot to ask them to habe their life sorted at this age.

This is my worry with youngest DC. The others weren't desperately driven, but did fairly well at school and have gone on to decent enough careers and independence.

DS is 16 and will be lucky to scrape enough GCSEs to get into 6th form. Doesn't seem interested and assumes we will just keep supporting him forever. It worries me how his life will end up. We are older parents and frankly I want to retire in the next few years.

We will be struggling on a pension and not able to keep a 20 something at home.

They sound normal and fine. There are worse things than not being career focused.

I'm 30 and don't have a "career", nor any desire for one. I have lived independently from my parents since I was 17.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting a career but you have to adjust your expectations accordingly. I can only afford a small 2 bed semi on my wages, I am happy with that but if you want more expensive things then you need to strive for better job. It just depends what you want from life.

Are they nice people? Kind? Generous of spirit? Good to be around? Help in the house? If yes then I wouldn’t worry too much. There are worse things than not being career driven (though like you I am myself, very much so). If they are mean, miserable sods, then that is different.

There is still time for them to turn it around job wise.

If they’re working full time, holding down jobs, they’re doing well - they’ll still be learning, and working out who they are and what they want. Honestly I think it’s more sensible, if you haven’t got that drive to study, to get a job and work, than spend time and money doing courses that your heart’s not really in, just because it’s the done thing. Something will come along to push their lives in a new direction at some point - a boyfriend/girlfriend, a holiday, a work opportunity - but til then if they’re productive and happy, it’s all good.

My DH was very like this when I met him, early twenties, had done ok ish academically, but living at home, job with no real prospects not particularly ambitious. He completely changed when we had DC in our late twenties/early thirties. He’s now hugely ambitious, really successful in his field, always looking for the next thing. Wish he’d calm it down a bit to be honest!
I was more with it at that age but still didn’t really have a clue although my parents didn’t make my life quite as comfortable as his did. I say they’re still young, I wouldn’t worry too much.

Tbf at 18 I had a saturday/summer job & I was in 6th form but my main concern was what shoes to wear 😆

If they're working at all, and generally good kids then honestly I don't think you should want for much more right now. Too much pressure is put in kids their age to figure out their whole lives based on exams and university - sometimes it's far better to figure it out as you go. I wish I'd been given a moment's breathing space as I chose a crap degree and did crap in it. My younger sibling wasn't academic and therefore didn't have any pressure of university, they've done far far better at me in life in terms of working.

As long as they're learning valuable skills, money management, self organisation, phasing out of needing mummy to look after them at home, then they're doing great.

Have you told him that @MadMadMadamMim? Mine are 15 and 13 a and we've already started talking to them about matching their career paths to the standard of living they'd like to achieve. Not in a heavy way but in a "one more thing to think about" when making choices.

They're comfortable because they don't know the real costs of living and you're subsiding them.
Unless DC are living at home for a reason (e.g. to save for a housing deposit) I don't see why they shouldn't pay their way - as if they were in a houseshare. You can stash the money away but they should know how much things costs are how privileged they are to carry on as they are with your subsidy.
What kind of jobs do they have?
Also if you let them carry on at what point will they leave your house?

@doomonic

Do they live at home, do they pay rent?

I answered that in the OP

@Aprilshowersandhail

Are they nice op? That would matter to me more than anything... One of my adult dc is tbh bloody awful.

Yes, they are. DS2 can be a bit grunty, but both are good "housemates" and do their bit around the house and garden, keep in touch with GPs etc.

How much rent do they pay as a percentage of their income?
Do they pay for their own phone bills, cars, transport costs etc?

Then they /you shouldn't be in a hurry to change things!!
At home they /you still get to learn and grow in your relationships..
Enjoy them.
Some of mine have left home and I worry more now than when they were small!!

They pay £50 pw each which is a bit more % for DS2 than it is DS1, about 15%. They pay own phones. Ds2 had a few driving lessons for his birthday, but is paying for the rest himself, doesn't have a car. Ds1 pays the difference in insurance for adding him to my car, but he doesn't use it very much, doesn't need a car of his own. He put fuel in it if he does more than a couple of miles.

I buy basic toiletries with the supermarket shop, but they buy anything fancy themselves. I stock the fridge with good healthy food that they're welcome to, if they want snacks or junk food they buy it.

Similar to my children. They reached their goal when they were ready. They are happy, hardwork and successful now but they did it in their own time.
It's only natural to worry though

Not everyone wants, to has to or can be a high flyer. Some people are perfectly happy being middle of the road, average joes who have a happy life. You don’t have to constantly strive for promotion and high flying careers.

Surely it’s better for them to be happy and comfortable in life, instead of burning themselves out striving for something they don’t want, just because it’s the expected thing?

I don’t think they are too comfortable at all. They are just very young. You should be urging them to save, because what makes them comfortable today they will find difficult to be independent on as they are both min wage it seems.