To worry that my DC have it too comfortable?

[Headyhurty]

They're 18 and 20yo. Both working full time, but not with any great prospects and they don't seem to have any drive for a good career. They both did just enough at school to get their 5 GCSEs with maths and english and to stay out of trouble, but no more than they had to. Neither interested in continuing their education.

This is alien to me as I was a proper swot at school and have always been driven in my career. They take after their father. DH did eventually apply himself after DC were born, in his 30s and ended up a decent earner despite no qualifications, but the entry routes he took aren't available to people without a degree today.

DC have always been expected to do chores, to work, I don't think they've been spoilt particularly, they never had designer labels unless they paid for them, toys and devices only at birthdays etc, but ultimately whenever any disaster befalls us or them, we are comfortable enough to deal with it relatively painlessly. I'm not even sure it's a concious position, they aren't outwardly entitled, but they seem to just know everything will be OK for them.

Now, this is the place you'd want your DC to be, I supposed, but it would like them to achieve something for themselves too, even if onyl for the sense of achievement.

I dotn give them anything except modest birthday and Christmas presents now and they pat some keep, but with no real expenses they are very comfortable financially and don't seem to feel any need to better themselves. TBF, they don't want a lot materially, most of their money is spent on takeaways!

Or maybe they've got it right and it's me who shouldn't have pushed myself so hard?

They are still so young, I want mine to be happy and carefree at that age. They have plenty of time to move into a career and try things out until they find where they want to be.

Having had to leave home at an early age, I don’t subscribe to the theory that once children hit 18 they should leave and pay for themselves.

They sound responsible and nice. I was independent from 18 and tbh I just ended up making bad decisions and lived a pretty aimless and chaotic life for years. Your children have full time jobs and a secure home. Cherish that and be grateful for the decent people they are.

I'm not disappointed in them, I'm very proud of the people they are but I am concerned that they don't understand what it tales to have the lifestyle they're used to. Annual holidays, swimming lessons for DC, reliable cars, comfortable home, tuition if DS2 for English DS1 for maths DC need it to get through GCSE etc etc

Have you had a chat with them about this OP? What do they say?
Of course as pp mentioned they will eventually find their way but you don’t want them to do it at 40.
Making them move out and be independent would be a good way to give them a taste of adult life.
I remember having an internship and living with my parents, having lots to spend.
What a shock when I actually started work and had to live on my own 😂 rent and bills are the biggest living expenses.
They sound like the sort who’ll shape up once they’re forced to

Also forgot to answer - YANBU OP!
Plenty of people find their way but also plenty of people don’t. You see people on mumsnet moaning about it all the time, stuck in an NMW job nowhere to progress blah blah wishing that someone had told them about career
Your DC are lucky to have professional parents and if they can’t make enough to live independently they have only themselves to blame.
If they move out and live in a house share with other people for another 10 years then that’s fine it’s their choice
But now they just don’t know how good they have it.

I think you’ve done great and your kids are pretty normal. I’d possibly insist on a little bit more saving in lieu of more keep money, maybe £100-200 a month, I don’t think it could ever hurt them to have money in the bank for whatever they want later in their 20s

@Headyhurty

I'm not disappointed in them, I'm very proud of the people they are but I am concerned that they don't understand what it tales to have the lifestyle they're used to. Annual holidays, swimming lessons for DC, reliable cars, comfortable home, tuition if DS2 for English DS1 for maths DC need it to get through GCSE etc etc

They will understand when they leave home and have a lot more bills to pay and atat that point they can decide if they want to earn more or spend less. Have they got a timeline/started saving for moving out?

they aren't outwardly entitled, but they seem to just know everything will be OK for them.

Op, this feeling of complete security, not entitlement, as you said, but security in the belief that things will be alright in the end, is a priceless gift which you have given your dc. Don't underestimate it! It will stand them in such good stead when they eventually come to find their own way in the world. They may not be the most ambitious, or the most high-flying - a bit young to say, imo - but they are very likely to be happy!

"I'm not disappointed in them, I'm very proud of the people they are but I am concerned that they don't understand what it tales to have the lifestyle they're used to. Annual holidays, swimming lessons for DC, reliable cars, comfortable home, tuition if DS2 for English DS1 for maths DC need it to get through GCSE etc etc"

Not really a priority to many 18 or 20 year olds. If they pay you £400 per month then they will be developing some form of budgeting skills. I'm a bit shocked that you're already charging your 18 year old tbh.

I'm a bit shocked that you're already charging your 18 year old tbh. And yet others think they should be paying more. He's been working full time for almost 2 years.

So one is a team leader and the other is doing an apprenticeship? They seem like decent people? Sounds fabulous! What they are doing is a very long way from coasting.

I agree with OP and I'd be worried that they are planning on coasting indefinitely. I have relatives who didn't make any effort with their education and training, but they also had no ambition to live typically well, and to this day they are living independently (late 20s/early 30s) in crowded flatshares and working at menial but well-loved jobs, and they are happy doing so, and good for them. The OP's children seem rather to want to settle with little effort, with their parents filling in the financial gaps, which isn't okay.

OP, like PP I'd give them a bit more time to figure it out - an apprenticeship is a very good thing indeed - but I'd also talk with them about concrete plans for definite future dates. Perhaps 18 months, two years, moving out etc.

@Porcupineintherough

We have. We've had long conversations where I've bluntly told him what we earn. And how much he will need to afford this (pretty ordinary) standard of living. I'm earn a reasonable professional salary. We live in a low paid area. What does he think he might be interested in doing in life?

We've also pointed out what minimum wage jobs are likely to mean. And how Covid is likely to have a knock on effect with LOTS of people competing for jobs and work.

I know he's young but it's water off a duck's back. He just says, Yeah, of course I want a proper job. I'll need qualifications.

Today was his first GCSE exam for the school to try and work out CAG. He had done no revision for it at all despite our best atttempts.

If he doesn't get into 6th form there are very few options. We are very rural. I suspect at some point he's in for a sharp wake up call where he realises he's fucked up a lot of his choices and options and is left with a hard struggle to achieve anything close to what he wanted in life.

As OP said, he does assume he will be having a car, a home, holidays and plenty of spending money once he's left school. I'm just not sure he thinks how - or who is likely to be supplementing this.

I have two dc, similar ages.

You say one is doing an apprenticeship, so they are continuing their studies and getting further qualified. You never know where that may lead them.

They’ve both still young, and the last year/18 months has been unusual, to say the least. I think that the fact they are both working is a good sign. It’s been difficult to make the usual life plans.

My youngest dc is in a similar situation, job but no career path. It’s his first job, and he’s finding his feet. However, we’ve had serious conversations with him already that this should consider this a short time job, and he needs to consider what he wants to do long term. We’ve also had conversations about mortgages, pensions etc.

So I guess what I’m saying is don’t panic, yet. Have the conversation about the future, saving money etc. Ask where they want to be in 3 /5/10 years time, and how they are going to achieve it.

53Headyhurty

doomonic

'Do they live at home, do they pay rent?

I answered that in the OP'

This irritates me, I have to say. The OP isn't a test question that must be thoroughly read without a point being missed by a reader. But then thankfully you did explan about the rent paid. If you are happy to support them for a year or two, then fine. If you think they have it easy, then make it less attractive to be at home so they'll want to fly the nest & become independent. They are still young enought though....set a cut-off age by which you will charge more rent and/or want a larger contribution to bills...just make things more realiatic. But I don't agree with the whole you are on your own two feet at 18 & it is sink or swim from there. If you & DH happy to continue for another bit, then fine. It sounds like you want to give a little nudge into the real world & if that's the case then do. Otherwise, they sound like great kids which is a job well done!

OP,
I understand your concerns.
It isn't really their age but the fact they are working full time, paying very little more for the real cost, blowing their money on take outs and not saving.

Living independently costs money, a lot of it.
If this continues for the next 5 years they will have blown a lot of money and have a really unrealistic view of how their salary can be paid.

If you wish to help them see how the world works then 30% of their income should be paid for keep, they should start saving 30%, and live on the balance of 40%.

They sound like good kids, but it is difficult at that age to comprhend how expensive real life is.

I know my kids are the same, but I am having conversations with them to help the penny drop.

Having low paid part time jobs help.
My son has a minimum wage job and the responsibility that he has is utterly outrageous but it has been very good for him to see while at university how hard some people work for very low pay.

I think it has been a welcome motivator to work hard.

Having very comfortable homes, they could very easily think more grows on trees.

Lots of their friends have part time jobs too.

I meant money grows on trees.

You could save their contribution and save it for them for when they move out or need a car but I definitely believe a realistic percentage should be paid.

Perhaps get local figures about the real cost of living independently in a grotty house share.

The add ons of utilities, council tax etc.

They sound absolutely fine to me op and I'm sure when the world opens up again they will naturally gravitate to moving out.
They won't want to stay at home and will start to move out, bring friends back

I'm always staggered that people expect their dc to turn 18 and suddenly know everything and be totally independent and on their own.
Dc in uni arnt and get lots of support.

They will gradually see what they want and what's out there and we'll done you for providing this safe and nurturing base for them.

How do people know unless they go?

I grew up in a house with a large drive, it's only when we lost that house that I realised what a privalige having a drive is, how would I have realised that before!
Look at my childhood home and start to visit other houses for no reasons except to compare!!

I read the OP twice and I still can't work out what the issue is. Two DC, 18 and 20. Both working full time, paying rent, help around the house and generally nice people. Sounds ideal to me and very similar to my DC. They're very young, they've got a whole life ahead of them. In time, I'm sure they'll move up the ladder at work and become more career focused. In my mind, they're in a much better position than some of the students who go to uni and come out with thousands of pounds worthy of debt, a degree not worth the paper it's written on and no prospect of a decent job at the end of it.

Bit different as my DD and DS both went to uni and now live in their own flats with full time jobs, but they are very secure in the knowledge that if everything went tits up then me and DH would be able to help them financially. Embrace that fact OP and be happy about it I am so bloody pleased that I can help my DCs if anything ultimately went wrong. DS, after a period of severe mental health issues, wanted to take a new job three hours away and move to a new city. He ended up hating his job and needed to quit for his own sanity but was very worried about the bills. We helped him out and after three months he’d found a new role he absolutely bloody loves. I feel so happy that I have the means to support my kids in this way

I'm more concerned that so many here think academic acheivement at a specified age is the be-all-and-end-all and that what someone is doing at 18/20 defines their whole life (and this isn't necessarily you, OP).

I did the route many of you probably think is optimum - school, 6th form, university, but then carried on - second degree, post-grad research, which meant although I have worked every year since I was 16, my first full time career job was at 28 and at almost 50, I'm burnt out, and have spent most of the last ten years fighting to maintain my mental health see this Guardian article.

I say this as a University academic with a vested interest in undergraduate recruitment - there are other ways of being and 'succeeding' at life. Working life is long and full of opportunities and being confident it 'will be alright' is a fabulous gift because they will be open to what comes along when they are ready for it.

The world of work has changed - don't impose your own ambitions and preconceptions on your children - but yes, DO make sure they understand the connection between money and opportunity.

Oh and most Undergraduates have less clue about what they want to do when they graduate than your DC do now @Headyhurty!

I think it sounds like you've brought up a really nice couple of children. The last year has been very tough for everyone but I think it's been underestimated how tough it's been for young people. If they're happy and healthy and not cause g you any stress, then I'd sit back and enjoy the fruits of the good upbringing which you obviously have them. As other posters have said, they're still young and once they've had a bit more life experience, they may feel ready for a bit more of a challenge. If not, I think that's fine.

I'm going to flip this on it's head, what do you think they should be doing OP? Do you want them to go to uni or study for a qualification?

They sound like they are both doing well for where they are in life. Be realistic, most people their age are still in full time education. Yours are out earning and have been for two years. They still have age on their side and have plenty of time to build up their career in the workplace, like your DH did by the sounds of it. With the current economic situation the way it is with Covid, I think they are significantly ahead of their peers right now.

DH left school with no qualifications. I went to uni. Can you guess which one of us earns more now? DH worked his way up with vocational qualifications, which I would argue are much more valuable in today's workplace than a degree (and the crippling amount of debt this now brings). They will learn and find their own way. The only thing I would perhaps encourage them to do right now is saving.