To worry that my DC have it too comfortable?

[Headyhurty]

They're 18 and 20yo. Both working full time, but not with any great prospects and they don't seem to have any drive for a good career. They both did just enough at school to get their 5 GCSEs with maths and english and to stay out of trouble, but no more than they had to. Neither interested in continuing their education.

This is alien to me as I was a proper swot at school and have always been driven in my career. They take after their father. DH did eventually apply himself after DC were born, in his 30s and ended up a decent earner despite no qualifications, but the entry routes he took aren't available to people without a degree today.

DC have always been expected to do chores, to work, I don't think they've been spoilt particularly, they never had designer labels unless they paid for them, toys and devices only at birthdays etc, but ultimately whenever any disaster befalls us or them, we are comfortable enough to deal with it relatively painlessly. I'm not even sure it's a concious position, they aren't outwardly entitled, but they seem to just know everything will be OK for them.

Now, this is the place you'd want your DC to be, I supposed, but it would like them to achieve something for themselves too, even if onyl for the sense of achievement.

I dotn give them anything except modest birthday and Christmas presents now and they pat some keep, but with no real expenses they are very comfortable financially and don't seem to feel any need to better themselves. TBF, they don't want a lot materially, most of their money is spent on takeaways!

Or maybe they've got it right and it's me who shouldn't have pushed myself so hard?

I answered that in the OP

Oh so that's what pat some keep means 😆

I think they sound ok, it's very young to decide on a career.

DH and I are older parents and one of our aims is to set DC on good career paths for when we’re dead and there is no family safety net.

You are providing them with all the advantages adults usually have to work for: a comfortable house, a car, bills paid, good quality food etc. All very nice for £50 but not a realistic amount.

They’re young but they need to have a long term plan for independence,

You are providing them with all the advantages adults usually have to work for: a comfortable house, a car, bills paid, good quality food etc. All very nice for £50 but not a realistic amount.

The MN view is generally that it's outrageous to take anything off young adult children living at home

My mum could probably have said the same about me. I'm just training for a career now and I'm nearly 40. People get there in their own time. It sounds like their working hard and paying their way which is all you can ask for at that age.

I would agree with your DH what kind of support you are willing to offer them in adulthood eg funding more education/supporting them while they fund it themselves/age at which you expect to be living without children etc.
Then talk to them individually, more the 20yr old about how they see their future.
Do they expect to me moved out of home at 30 and if so how do they see that looking?
In a house share/narrowboat/own home etc.
How do they expect to fund the life they want to live?
If they wish to study/gain more work experience/travel etc when do they want to do that and how will it impact on their plans of where they will live.
So for example if your 20yo has friends who will be finishing uni in a year and going travelling do they want to go with them?
Are they saving for that?
What age will they be returning to the UK and how do they expect to work/save/live with an eye to moving out by 30 given they will be at least 22 coming home?
I'm not saying they need to map out the next forty years this weekend but a lot of otherwise intelligent people can't seem to count backwards.
So they will say they want to buy their own house at 30 when they are 28 with debts instead of savings and no plan!
Otherwise sounds like you have decent children to be proud of and can relax a bit now they're nearly cooked 😊

YABU. If they’re happy, what’s the issue?

Not everyone wants a career and why should they?

They sound like good kids. Not everyone is ambitious. Are they happy? That's what matters.

I'm ambitious but I was pushed a lot. And I love my folks and we get on now, but I was counting down the seconds till I could move out when I was young. So my ambition came from that as well, I didn't want to have to 'admit defeat' and move home.

TeaSoakedDisasterMagnet
Yes I totally agree with you

So for £50 a week they get:

A roof over their heads
Food in the fridge
Toiletries
No household bills to worry about
and one of them even gets a car.

I would increase rent to £75 per week as I think that's more realistic and is still very cheap. I would also make sure they buy their own toiletries and contribute something to the weekly food shop. That could be paying for a week of shopping each/month, or paying some extra rent to cover the cost.

The one who uses your car needs to pay more than increased insurance and some fuel. They need to be filling up what fuel they use every time they use it. They need to pay half of the MOT and service costs, as well as costs of things like new tyres, wiper fluid, defroster etc. They also need to be paying half the car tax. It doesn't matter that they don't use the car much - you don't get the benefit without the contribution. If they choose not to pay, they can get the bus or walk.

@emilyfrost

YABU. If they’re happy, what’s the issue?

Not everyone wants a career and why should they?

Because they do like the lifestyle it brings?

I'd be a bit worried about their lack of ambition. Rather than them having it too good at home.

Yiu say they just got 5 GCSEs each. What were you and your husband doing while they were at school to get them to work hard? Did you talk about the future and getting a good job?

As at 15/16 kids don't always realise how crucial a good education is or drive to get skills eg an apprenticeship. That's where parents come in. Some teen get it. But some will choose instant gratification of money in their pocket now.

Op
I don't see much wrong with what they're doing as it stands but given they are currently living at home now, I'd try and chat to them about what they would like to do job wise. An apprenticeship may suit them and while they're not paid terribly well, they can lead to really fulfilling jobs afterwards.
If I'm honest I'd be upset if I thought my boys ended up in minimum wage dead end jobs. I want more than that for them and I'd definitely encourage them all o search out better career options .

@Neonprint

I'd be a bit worried about their lack of ambition. Rather than them having it too good at home.

Yiu say they just got 5 GCSEs each. What were you and your husband doing while they were at school to get them to work hard? Did you talk about the future and getting a good job?

As at 15/16 kids don't always realise how crucial a good education is or drive to get skills eg an apprenticeship. That's where parents come in. Some teen get it. But some will choose instant gratification of money in their pocket now.

Oh that's where I went wrong, I forgot to mention how important their studies and their futures were for all those years

Of course I did, if anything too much and had the opposite effect to that desired. You can tell them, you can't make it happen.

They are still very young. They’re showing work ethic and working full time which is great.

At their age I was working a minimum wage job and didn’t find a career until I was 24 and I found something I really really loved and got my head down and now earn a decent wage but importantly I love my job.

They're not in compete dead end jobs and I do see I'm probably expecting too much. DS2 is doing an apprenticeship, but doesn't seem to be pushing himself to shine and DS1 has progressed to a team leader type role, but there doesn't seem to be many options for where he goes next.

OP, I could have written this. 19 year old daughter at home, mediocre results at private school (like you, I was a swot at school so am a bit at her work ethic), pays me a bit of digs money, does a lot of gaming, spends shitloads on takeaways , works in a shop, which isn't what I'd hoped for her but it is what it is. She will do chores when asked, and spends most of the time when she's not working in her room. Friendships are hard for her as she has ASD. She did try uni but didn't make it past the first year, as she didn't like the course and found it socially excruciating. I hope she'll return to uni one day (different course though!), as I feel it would broaden her horizons and make her a bit more well-rounded.
To me, it doesn't seem much of a life that she has, and I do wish she had more of a social life. But she is happy and lovely and I adore her.

I’m 24. I went to uni at 19 and knew so many people that were a bit older than 18 eg 19-23. They still have time to decide what they want to do - having some time working first might be the best decision for them now? I don’t regret spending a year working full time during my “gap year”. If anything, it made me never want to work in retail long-term and spurred me on for my degree

Both work full-time, pay board, do their bit around the house/garden, are nice people, and "TBF, they don't want a lot materially, most of their money is spent on takeaways!"

I'd say you've done a pretty good parenting job!

Not everyone is ambitious. Maybe they aren't, or maybe they have yet to find the thing that will ignite their interest - time will tell. But you've still got two pood kids there.

pood? good!

@Headyhurty

They pay £50 pw each which is a bit more % for DS2 than it is DS1, about 15%. They pay own phones. Ds2 had a few driving lessons for his birthday, but is paying for the rest himself, doesn't have a car. Ds1 pays the difference in insurance for adding him to my car, but he doesn't use it very much, doesn't need a car of his own. He put fuel in it if he does more than a couple of miles.

I buy basic toiletries with the supermarket shop, but they buy anything fancy themselves. I stock the fridge with good healthy food that they're welcome to, if they want snacks or junk food they buy it.

All of this - at their ages - with full time (I think you said full time?) jobs would matter FAR more to me than university, a grand plan, a posh job, or anything else, if they were rocking up in the holidays to empty the fridge, doing bugger all apart from make more washing and dirty plates, giving me lip for having to constantly pull them up on their attitude......

You’ve got 2 ones with years ahead for achievements and ambition.

Pat yourself on the back. You’ve done a good job, and they’re doing a good job.

Not everyone has to be career driven. An average job they don't hate is actually what most people have / are happy with.
It sounds like your expecting a lot from them, maybe they want to be bin men and not doctors. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think them not having adult responsibilities and expenses and them not being very driven or ambitious are separate issues.

You are right to be concerned that they might not understand what it's like to live independently, and the many expenses that come with it. Do you or they have any expectations about when they're going to move out? You don't need to chuck them out on their ears, but you should make sure you're all on the same page. You don't want them turning into one of those useless DHs we read about on Mumsnet who expects their DW to do all the work while they play computer games because that's what theyve always done!

But it makes me really sad to think that you might be disappointed in them if they never have a dazzling career. If they just get a misc job and cut their cloth accordingly, there's no problem with that. Look at the people working around you when you go out. Cashiers, bin men, waiters, delivery drivers. There's nothing morally wrong with them. I think it would be a huge shame if you spent the rest of your life disappointed with your own children because they made different life choices from you.

Bloody hell, having seen your updates, your very unreasonable!

@Bluntness100

I don’t think they are too comfortable at all. They are just very young. You should be urging them to save, because what makes them comfortable today they will find difficult to be independent on as they are both min wage it seems.

I know it's a recommended "thing" to charge them extra rent and secretly save it for them, then present them with a cheque when they move out. Obviously the surprise only works on the first child! But it sounds like they could manage having a bit less money in their pockets at the moment and having an emergency fund as a young adult is really valuable as it can keep you out of spiralling debt.