Neighbour has changed the colour of jointly owned access gate

[RikkiT]

I live in a terraced house and my 2 adjoining neighbours have access via my garden to the street for things like taking their bins out. There is a single gate onto the street that connects to a alleyway in my garden for myself and my 2 neighbours to use.

Today my neighbour has painted the jointly owned gate without consulting myself or our other neighbour. The gate was white and has been painted black.

Regardless if it "needed painting" or "looks better" in principle my neighbour should have consulted me and my other neighbour first right?

It more the principle that they have done it without checking in first. If it had been kept the same colour I may have overlooked it as it it. something we are all jointly responsible for.

Would It be unreasonable of me to confront my neighbour and ask why they didn't consult me and my neighbour first?

My wife seems to think it will cause more hassle than it's worth.

@sadpapercourtesan

YANBU, black is awful. It would remind me of a headstone and make me feel unutterably sad every time I walked through it.

Really? Gosh.

Definitely check the deeds to see if all yours, and whether that or shared, speak to neighbour.

Very odd not to consult before painting.

Also OP - do your access arrangements mean you have people traipsing across your garden when you least expect it?

Stunned at the number of people saying YABU. We lived in a similar set up once and would have never dreamt of painting the gate without talking to the others.

I absolutely wouldn't be buying a thank you present. I would say thanks to the neighbour for painting MY gate but would say I preferred the white so will paint it back at some point.

What's fascinating about this thread is how many people want to kick the OP for caring about something which in dozens of previous threads on here would have been seen as a legitimate concern.

It's clearly a sport on here. How many different ways can you say "you're caring too much", or "this isn't the hill I would choose to die on" (what the actual fuck? Not as clever as you think).

If someone came and repainted your shared fence or gate a colour that didn't match your carefully planned exterior colour scheme I guarantee you'd all be frothing more than your local Costa barista.

This is one of the pettiest things I have seem on here. How can you so concerned?!

What's fascinating about this thread is how many people want to kick the OP for caring about something which in dozens of previous threads on here would have been seen as a legitimate concern.

I think it’s based on the desire to be contrary and dismissive/unkind - doesn’t matter what the issue is .

@Livpool

This is one of the pettiest things I have seem on here. How can you so concerned?!

I'm guessing you haven't been on MN long. You would be fine with someone painting your gate a different colour randomly, would you?

Do you live in an area where all the gates are different, or is it an area where the council has gated off all the alleyways? Is there a chance that it's a council gate?

@devastating

What's fascinating about this thread is how many people want to kick the OP for caring about something which in dozens of previous threads on here would have been seen as a legitimate concern.

I think it’s based on the desire to be contrary and dismissive/unkind - doesn’t matter what the issue is .

Agree. It seems like this is the case. All the cliches come out. Hill to die on/ couldn’t get worked up/ have we had on glue or batshit yet?

@Livpool

This is one of the pettiest things I have seem on here. How can you so concerned?!

Wow more hyperbole to join the kick fest

If this is really what you say? Then you can't have been here for long!

this isn't the hill I would choose to die on" (what the actual fuck? Not as clever as you think).
Why is this so offensive, Ginuwine? It’s a pretty standard expression.

@NoSquirrels

this isn't the hill I would choose to die on" (what the actual fuck? Not as clever as you think). Why is this so offensive, Ginuwine? It’s a pretty standard expression.

I didn't say it was offensive.

Again, that's word inflation and introducing emotion to discredit someone.

I implied it's all hyperbole and a deliberate way of making an OP feel very silly indeed for "caring", and designed to trash the whole thread.

When bizarrely other seemingly "pettier" things go unchecked on AIBU because the poster constructed their OP in a better way, or it's something people emotionally connect with. Or the poster isn't male.

See "overly invested", "batshit", etc as other versions of this.

P.S I'm not saying the OP here is male at all / there's no indication of that.

I've just seen it on other threads where a person gets a proper kicking just for daring to speak etc

@devastating I'm not trying to be unkind or dismissive to op. Op is asking aibu and I've given my opinion that's not being unkind. If you're the kind of person that gets worked up over the colour of a gate then good luck to you I have bigger fish to fry tbh. If it's such an issue paint it back. It's such a non problem

[quote clpsmum]@devastating I'm not trying to be unkind or dismissive to op. Op is asking aibu and I've given my opinion that's not being unkind. If you're the kind of person that gets worked up over the colour of a gate then good luck to you I have bigger fish to fry tbh. If it's such an issue paint it back. It's such a non problem [/quote]

@clpsmum why are you still denigrating the OP by saying they're the "kind of person" that gets worked up etc?

We could surely easily say that the OP who posted about the plumber not responding to her is the "kind of person" who gets worked up about this. Or the person who wanted them to sign as Auntie. These are all popular running threads. They're all seemingly things anyone could let slide.

But this is AIBU - that's the whole point - it's about perceived injustices and minor infractions as well as major dilemnas.

I wonder whether a lot of the "why does it matter to you?" posters on here are also actually the type who would rather steal in first and repaint the fence rather than have a collaborative conversation with their neighbour. And therefore this whole thread is triggering

I can’t see the diagram but I’ve got the gist that visually the gate is part of your house?

He’s pissing on your territory, it’s on purpose and you absolutely need to say something.

I'm with you OP. I quite understand why you feel as you do. Out of courtesy they should have checked with you first as the gate leads onto your property. I'm a GOW though

Just ask him to let you know in future and perhaps he'd like to paint your front door black to match the gate now?

I wonder whether a lot of the "why does it matter to you?" posters on here are also actually the type who would rather steal in first and repaint the fence rather than have a collaborative conversation with their neighbour.

This.

Fair enough if it’s people’s genuine opinion and some people have delivered it neutrally, others haven’t though and are ridiculing in the way they speak calling the OP’s opinion pathetic etc...

It’s not so much the colour of the gate or about the “kind of person that I am” but about the fact that at the very least it is shared so not just up to one person to do things to it unilaterally IMO, and I agree with the OP when she says that she doesn’t know what kind of precedent this might set if she doesn’t talk to her neighbour.

Even worse if it’s actually totally her gate. The PPs who asked how people would feel if someone painted their front door have it spot on IMO.

I didn't say it was offensive.

Again, that's word inflation and introducing emotion to discredit someone.

I implied it's all hyperbole and a deliberate way of making an OP feel very silly indeed for "caring", and designed to trash the whole thread.

Ah, OK. No you didn’t say “offensive” but as you said “what the actual fuck” which sounds kinda aggressively upset over a normal expression I assumed (which I shouldn’t have). But I’d say you were actually using “word inflation” there about a perfectly normal phrase!

So it’s all perception, isn’t it? I don’t think this thread is particularly unusual. Yes, people react to the language in an OP - that’s why choosing your words carefully/tone matters. The OP went with “confront” not “have a quick word with” (Would It be unreasonable of me to confront my neighbour and ask why they didn't consult me and my neighbour first?) and that’s quite an aggressive choice - hence the replies. They’ve come back in a more conciliatory tone, but people are still just reading and reacting to the OP , which is just what happens, annoying as it is.

@NoSquirrels

Confront doesn't necessarily mean aggression . It's one definition but it can also mean face up to something that needs addressing.

That's actually the problem with the British psyche. We are so poor at assertiveness that we'll tie ourself in knots trying to avoid being the "confronter" but find all manner of passive aggressive ways to demonstrate our position.

Hence why one poor OP who got hit with a car outside a school was more worried about not being confrontational and involving the police, than actually getting the help and legal support they're entitled to.

I don't want to derail this thread. Let's agree to disagree. I just think ridiculing the OP isn't on when there's tons of other AIBUs on here about the seemingly trivial? Yet each of those "trivial" posts is clearly important to the OP, hence the appeal of this board.

@TheLastLotus

All the posters saying they wouldn’t care etc etc have clearly never had to deal with border disputes. These things can come back to cause trouble much later e.g when you want to sell. Of course if you never sell your house or your neighbours move anyway then it’ll never happen 😂 *@RikkiT* speak to your neighbour. At least you’ll get a sense of whether they’re CF’s or not

We have lived a life completely controlled by border disputes. Panhandle with four houses sharing access.

It truly made me a shit person. Petty, obsessive, constantly falling out with people. I realised after moving away what a waste of time all that angst was. Now I just live and let live - much easier and I feel better for not being a twat.

Yes, how very dare they conduct useful maintenance on something which appearance is of zero consequence when I am enjoying the benefits of my hard earned home, and which now does not need to be done for a few years, at their own cost and in their own time and for which they have not charged you.
I would be very very upset at this.
Thought no person ever.

@Ginuwine yes I really don’t know whether people are taking the piss because poster is male. OTOH not many have seen the diagram and are obviously envisioning some sort of hidden side gate that nobody really sees.

In actual fact this gate forms the facade of OP’s house! This would be like someone changing your door colour.

Also it’s really not hard to go and have a nice chat with someone about something they did you’re not happy with - diplomatically - I don’t see why people are using dramatic language as though OP was about to start a court case 😂