Apologies this is a long one...
Two years ago I discovered on my partner's phone the following:
A secure folder set up, containing his Tinder account (still active though not used for a long while)
A search ' how to receive my messages in a Secure folder '
Searches for national and local escorts
Plus I discovered that after we had been together for 6 months he had set up an account on Adultwork, though this had not been used.
Obviously this absolutely devastated me, we argued, cried, fought about it for a long time, many, many times.
He explained countless times that it was curiosity, he would never have approached another woman, he loves me etc.
I've been very guarded since but we do have a loving, mutually supportive relationship & he's done nothing to make me feel insecure or threatened, he's a loyal, practical man who never criticises me and allows me to be myself in the relationship, it's a really 'easy relationship for me in comparison to former partners who were either jealous or cheats. He hasn't had anywhere near the amount of partners I have had & is quite innocent in some ways.
More recently however I saw his Instagram account which although was historical had hundreds or semi-naked women on - I made him delete the lot. Then a year or so ago he set up a Tiktoc account, again I saw he had hundreds of women on there. I was fuming. Yes I became a proper vigilant control freak & would check his phone, my heart racing.
I simply can't get over what he did though, it tortures me everyday in varying degrees.
What really gets to me is the fact that he's quite shy & not at all adventurous in bed & rarely compliments me or 'enjoys ' my body, we just have very vanilla sex, yet he was looking at all these images of other women in very sexual poses. What a fucking insult to me. I have no doubt that he loves me & he has told me that I'm beautiful (though doesn't shower me with compliments).
So what is he, sexually repressed? Shy? We communicate very openly so he knows I would do anything sexually if he asked. He never goes down on me anymore having done it the first time we slept together & never asks for blow jobs, in fact he almost gets shy when I give him one.
So after 4 years together (living together for 3) I find myself wondering if I'm in love with him anymore. I think I've lost respect for him after the escort searches & other stuff which has killed the love.
Has anyone else been in this situation & made a success of the relationship long-term?
He describes me as very jealous & says its normal for any male to look at images of attractive women, but promises not to do it anymore as he knows it will upset me. But how long can he keep it suppressed if that's in his nature?
I hate him for ruining things, and this often comes out in the form of sadness, moodiness, anger from me. It feels like a sort of grieving for what could have been had this not ever happened. We were so, so in love at the beginning but when I think that he was leaving me after a date to probably go home & look at images of other women it makes me sick, & ruins my memories. He says I overthink, & it's true I was very insecure at the beginning of our relationship, though now I'm very confident.
I'm at a crossroads because I don't want to delude myself or waste my life with a man who has this 'need' , not to be unfaithful but to what I call 'perve' at other women.
When I want to discuss or ask about it he just gets angry and says he thought we were past all this? But then why recently add all the women on Tiktoc, knowing that I would hate it? He thinks it's harmless but I think it's a fucking stupid thing to do plus it disrespectful to me. I feel like a fool.
What is the matter with him? I know I'm an attractive woman & people have commented on the fact that I could do better but I loved (or loved) him for his sweetness, kindness & intelligence plus we share the same sense of humour & laugh a lot together. He's very transparent in many ways, he's given me complete access to his bank accounts & I can transfer money whenever I need it.
I'm struggling to reconcile the man I know with the behaviour he has shown in secret which I think is seedy.
This is destroying me as a person , I know that now, but is it worth giving it all up for his past misdemeanours which don't actually involve any cheating?
I used to be able to access his phone for the past couple of years & he was fine with this, but because I would interrogate him after finding the slightest thing he changed the passcode, which in a bizarre way was almost a relief for me because I didn't feel like a shit person for looking through his phone & didn't live with the fear of finding something that would upset me. He would go to counselling if I pushed it but I would be too embarrassed in case the counsellor thought I was a complete idiot as what he's done is glaringly obviously not what a decent guy in a loving relationship who do.
What would you do?
AiBU towards him?