I have never been harrassed by strange men

[TunMahla]

On the heels of topic asking if you would walk alone in the woods, where many women say no, especially as a lot of them seem to have been harrassed by random strangers (I assume men) on the streets or in the countryside. See, it would never cross my mind to avoid going on my own in daylight as nothing bad ever happened to me yet. The only incidents that come to mind are being crudely chatted up by corner shopkeepers but I would not count that in the same way as I was not outside on my own. Perhaps it helps that in the nicest possible way, I am not conventionally attractive. I feel that I am in a minority here regarding harassment and would like to find out how small minority that is to better understand other women's experiences.
YABU - I have been harassed by strangers in urban or rural areas
YANBU - I have never been harassed

Have a read of everyone's invited. It certainly made me feel lucky to have:

1. Not been assaulted sexually
2. Not be a teenage girl in this day and age

Wow!

I do not dress 'scantily', I do not 'invite' harassing and sexualised behaviour and yet it still happens.

Saying that how you dress has ANY bearing on whether or not you are going to be harassed is not only dangerous but moronic at the same time.

Yes loads starting from about 12.

I think that where you live makes a difference. From reading threads on here.

Just the usual stuff like

Random men shouting obscenities out of cars
Wanked at on the tube
Followed more than once on way home at night
Being taken for a prostitute (asked if I'm working / how much) - twice- they weren't joking
Having eggs thrown at me from a car one hit me on the head really hurt
Spat at
Pint poured over my head
Man Holding by head at the bar forcing my mouth open and sticking his tongue in my mouth
Being sexually assaulted in a crowded pub
Having breasts grabbed in the pub
And on and on and on

That's a flavour anyway.

Your looks have nothing to do with it. Although some things to seem to set those sorts of blokes off (big breasts, blonde hair, probably there's others).

Men will also shout abuse pointing out anything that stands out eg if you're v tall, short, red hair, etc etc and I'm sure if I was not white race/ colour would have come into it)

I don't know if that helps you at all in any way OP. If it does then my experiences will have been worth it

I'm not good looking by any stretch but that's irrelevant. I've been harrassed multiple times over the years, started in my school years. Walking home in school uniform, I used to roll my skirt to shorten it because it was cool back then, got wolf whistled at by workmen. When I was about 15 a strange man secretly took a photo of me and tried to follow me home but I legged it. One occasion that sticks out in my mind is coming home on the last train after a long shift, it was quite dead and headed towards last stop. I had my earphones in and podcast finished, never bothered to take them out or put something else on. I heard two guys discussing following me, one was to take one route out of train station and the other a different route to get me? I don't know if they were planning to mug me or something more sinister, I booked an uber while on the train and when the train stopped I ran like the fucking wind. So no I would not go walking alone in the woods at night.

@Sparklfairy

When I was 16 I used to finish school early on a friday, and on the mile long walk to the bus station would be continually cat called/Vans beeping me etc.

A couple of years later I moved to a pretty rough area of london and developed some street smarts from the country girl I'd grown up as. I think my stance/demeanor changed as when I moved back home in my early 20s I never got any trouble after that.

These men are like dogs. They can smell fear/vulnerability/weakness that they can exert dominance over. That's not victim blaming, just my experience!

That very much is victim blaming, though.

Sadly mine and others' experiences are the norm, you are very lucky.

OP, what was the point of this thread? Do you think the 97% were just making it up and you wanted to use MN to prove that?
You are very fortunate, but the rest of us are less so, and could do without you or PPs minimising it.

I don't mean that negatively against you, I am very glad you have had different experiences!

Between 15 and around 30 it was awful. When I gained a lot of weight in my 30s I became much more invisible but it still happened occasionally.

Between 16 and 23 I’d say every aspect of my life was influenced by trying to escape or avoid it. I used public transport and had jobs in hospitality (pubs, restaurants) and it was multiple times a day. Hated it, and it really affected my view of men.

I have had people harass me in the middle of the day in a busy capital city. One workman followed me for blocks and into the elevator at work. Was never so happy to see my boss when the doors opened. We were at the top of the building, not doing any building work, on a floor not accessible by clients. He had no reason to be in the lift with me.

Another walking through busy city centre gardens. A man tries to grab me. Duck and weave at pace and have abuse hurled at me for saying please leave me alone.

Been abused by a stranger on a train who refused to believe I didn't know him.

Having to be escorted to my car by a lovely guy (who was friends with someone I knew) because another stranger was insisting they were coming home with me and wouldn't take no for an answer.

That's only a couple and outside of the usual catcalls etc.

I don't seem to have had as much of it as some on here but I wouldn't say never.

I used to go to rugby matches on my own (none of my friends were interested) and was never harassed on the terraces.

I have been harassed in urban areas.

I think statistically (as there are more people) there is more chance of being harassed in an urban area.

However I often walk and run alone in the woods day/evenings. I would do in the dark with a head torch if I didn’t keep twisting my ankle.

Most of my harassment has been in the form of shouting, once a man masturbated “at” me, twice (or maybe more if you count as a teenager) random men asked me to get in a car. I’ve never been physically touched on street, only ever in a party/bar scenario. I’m 40 now so nearly invisible and also quite good at running.

I’m ashamed to say I got good at turning men down in a flattered/ non confrontational way at a young age. This probably gave them the impression I was only pleased they had offered. This was done to extricate myself, mostly to avoid conflict/ name calling rather than anything more serious.

Multiple times a day, every day, when younger, at school, work and when going about my daily business. I was suspended from school for pushing a boy down three steps when he shoved his hand in between my legs aggressively in a school corridor. He was not punished.

Comments, catcalls, sexual innuendo, unnecessary touching. ‘Mild’ things.
Two incidences of indecent exposure by strangers when I was a teenager.
Two incidences of sexual assault in the street by strangers in my early twenties (other than the usual unwanted breast and bum groping in nightclubs and at work).
Been followed repeatedly including by one strange man often who turned into a stalker so serious there was police involvement and I had to get a dog to protect me.

Now I’m older it still happens, but a little bit less. It nearly always happens when I’m out running. Intimidating behaviour, sexual comments, jeers, attempts to trip me up, mimickry, and so on, all from men. Never from women.

It varies massively depending on where you live.

In my home town, fairly small and quiet, it rarely happened and was mostly confined to wolf whistles and things shouted from a distance. I moved back here when I got married - if I had always lived here, I would probably wonder why there was such a fuss about sexual harassment.

In some parts of some cities it is very bad. I lived in a city and it was constant. Wolf whistles / shouting - several times a day. Being followed / unwanted conversations - could also be several times a day on a nice sunny weekend. Actual physical attacks perhaps once a month (I did not obey the curfew for women - and if you think 'what curfew?', what else do you call it when you report an attack to the police, which happened at 11pm on a main street, and they suggest that you use taxis rather than walking at night).

I was harrassed by adult men from before I was even aware of my incipient puberty. (They noticed before I did). Fortunately, I told my mother and she gave me effective strategies to deal with men like that. I immediately tested out her advice and it always worked. Never looked back.

@2bazookas

I was harrassed by adult men from before I was even aware of my incipient puberty. (They noticed before I did). Fortunately, I told my mother and she gave me effective strategies to deal with men like that. I immediately tested out her advice and it always worked. Never looked back.

What advice/strategies did she give you? It isn't something I've been able to work out for myself but my 13 year old daughter would most definitely benefit.
Thank you.

What advice did she give you?

I always find the posts saying you look weak/ you don't deal with it properly/ you haven't set your face to the expression that stops all men doing this really uncomfortable reading.

I'm glad it works for some but the idea that girls and women can avoid all if it by doing X is just wrong. Also some girls are shy/ nervous etc and this approach doesn't help them.

The person who is doing something wrong in all these cases is the man.

I’ve been verbally and sexually harassed multiple times, and I’ve noticed it ramped up during lockdown.

God help those men’s partners at home.

I’ve never been harassed in any way. I’m no looker and I don’t dress scantily so there’s nothing for any guy to have a go about. The only person to ever have a go at me was a fellow woman! The only example of sexist behaviour I’ve experienced was from a woman, against women. Honestly, I avoid other women like the plague but men are generally fine.

Seriously- where do you start with this?

So good looking women who dress scantily bring it on themselves??

So how do you explain the fact that the most frequent sexual harassment I received was when I worked in a bar and wore jeans and t shirts all day. The harassment was from staff and customers

I’ve never been harassed in any way. I’m no looker and I don’t dress scantily so there’s nothing for any guy to have a go about. The only person to ever have a go at me was a fellow woman! The only example of sexist behaviour I’ve experienced was from a woman, against women. Honestly, I avoid other women like the plague but men are generally fine

Fucking hell!!!! Sort your internalised misogyny out please.

I remember the first time it happened (13/14) I was really shocked. A middle-aged man approached me on a tube platform and tried to talk me into having sex for cash.

Now I'm 50 the sleaze seems to have stopped (thankfully) but men still seem to enjoy shouting abuse now and again.

Just a few

• walking down the street in my hospital uniform, random man approaches and starts talking about how his balls need checking
• 16 year old me in clothes shop alone, shopkeeper probably 30 odd, talking to me about my ‘tight ass’
• sat on a train window seat, man asks if ok to take seat next to me. I say it’s fine. Proceeds to ask me lots of questions about myself, put his arm around me.
• slapped bum whilst at work by colleague
• followed into women’s toilets at a bar
• my sister was at work and colleague started to talk about how he would ‘giz in her face’

These are just off the top of my head

Worst time, I was very drunk, walking home late at night in London. A strange man came up to me and started trying to talk to me. Next thing I remember was coming to, passed out up against a wall with one of his hands in my pants and the other up my shirt.

So yes. I was far too drunk to consent. I don't even remember how I got in to that situation.

Count myself very lucky that I came to my senses and was able to get away.

Harrassmemt is not about appearance or attractiveness it's about power and a perceived threat to or need to assert that power. Rinse repeat. Something in the harasser will trigger them off.