I have never been harrassed by strange men

[TunMahla]

On the heels of topic asking if you would walk alone in the woods, where many women say no, especially as a lot of them seem to have been harrassed by random strangers (I assume men) on the streets or in the countryside. See, it would never cross my mind to avoid going on my own in daylight as nothing bad ever happened to me yet. The only incidents that come to mind are being crudely chatted up by corner shopkeepers but I would not count that in the same way as I was not outside on my own. Perhaps it helps that in the nicest possible way, I am not conventionally attractive. I feel that I am in a minority here regarding harassment and would like to find out how small minority that is to better understand other women's experiences.
YABU - I have been harassed by strangers in urban or rural areas
YANBU - I have never been harassed

I don't relate to the everyday harassment most women seem to experience either. No idea why but I feel very grateful to have not been targeted.

I wonder if location has anything to do with it?

Absolutely loads from the ages of 11-21, not so much now.

I think it’s about perceived vulnerability, not attractiveness. There’s no way I was more attractive at 12 than I was at 23. But I was repeatedly victimised as a child and teen and I think my lack of confidence and emotional distress made me a target.

I remember being harassed specifically because I was unattractive. I overheard the man commenting on my looks before he squeezed my waist from behind. I suppose I was a bit like Miss Halcombe in the Woman in White: good figure, ugly face.
Having said that, I walk alone in the countryside almost everyday. I don’t think anyone is unreasonable to not be frightened.

@SelkieIntegrated

Well, following your second more nuanced question I think turning down men is a skill that requires nuance, unfortunately. You have to be able to do it in such a way that doesn't cause injury to a man with low self-esteem, doesn't come across as entitled or conceited, doesn't come across as too vague, too blunt.

Oh please

“No” is a perfectly fine sentence for anybody.

I have been harassed in rural and urban areas, at work in a range of settings (from pub to office), on nights out, while out walking/running, when dressed up and in joggers and no make up..... it doesn't matter because it's not about women. It's all about mens attitude towards women and their perception of the role of women in society (we exist for their pleasure)

You are very fortunate to have never experienced sexual harassment.

SelkieIntegrated
Well, following your second more nuanced question I think turning down men is a skill that requires nuance, unfortunately. You have to be able to do it in such a way that doesn't cause injury to a man with low self-esteem, doesn't come across as entitled or conceited, doesn't come across as too vague, too blunt.

It's easy to disagree with this approach and I resent having to deal with men this way, but sometimes it's the right one to avoid the situation getting worse:
the man who becomes aggressive or physically threatening for example.
Do I think we should always second guess the harasser? No.
Do I think it nevertheless a useful skill to be utilised without thinking about it when your sixth sense warns you this could be a matter of self preservation? Hell yes.

I wonder if you use a car rather than public transport, and if you are rarely out on your own?

In my experience (and btw I am "differently beautiful" ahem) the harassment happens when you are out and about unaccompanied.

I’ve never been harassed anywhere but that doesn’t mean that others haven’t.

I remember being on a train once and the bloke opposite was on the phone to his mate complaining that the police had stopped him because he had continually followed a woman on to an underground station. And he was fuming that they suggest he was pursuing her. He then turned to me and said “which station are you getting off at?” at which point my brain said “whichever one you’re not,” but my mouth said “oh, it’s ok I’m meeting someone.” I had planned that if he was still on the train at the station I was going to I would go to the next, much busier one and get a cab home from there, but he got off before me. I didn’t feel threatened but I certainly was in no doubt that he was a sleazy creep.

but when thinking about walking out and about alone I think more about the possibility of being mugged than sexual harassment.

I’m far from attractive and I’m fat but I’ve been harassed and followed by men. They don’t give a shit what you look like, they just see a woman on her own and jump at the chance to be creepy, weird bastards.

So what you're actually saying is that you have been harassed by men in shops and clubs, but you personally didn't feel too affected by it?

Cos... Good for you, genuinely, but that isn't many women's experiences. It seems unhelpful to go "I wasn't even bothered or scared!" as though anyone who is bothered by it is just being silly or dramatic.

I know what you mean OP, if I am very generous in my definitions I can maybe think of two or three incidents which could be interpreted as me being a victim of harrasment, but none of it has ever been physical and what did happen somebody could easily argue the men involved were just awkward or rude.

I don't want to minimise other women's experiences of harrasment because I know it does happen and can be atrotious, but at times it seems like I'm living in a parallel universe to people who can't step out their front door without being attacked, which can be particularly jarring when I'm constantly being advised to restrict myself (don't stay out late, don't travel alone, don't listen to music, don't take shortcuts, don't get in cabs without taking a picture of the plates, always be reporting my whereabouts to a friend) to prevent an apparently ever looming threat I've never really encountered.

Maube if women stopped wearing make up it would be easoer for poor men not to attack them. Attractive wome. Should be at home for their own safety...?

To be disgustingly blunt, ugly people get raped too, it odnt about looks.

And i was sexually assaulted as a teen. I still go walking alone.

I know its controversial to say but the sexual assault had no impact on my life. That doesnt mean i would ever say or think thay it doesn't affect others or how they should feel.

Your voting doesn't make any sense.

I use to get harassed daily when I lived in a very rough area of south London, I stopped walking down the night street because it was relentless, it was every time I walked down the high street so I had to start walking round the back which was the long way round to avoid it. I disagree with those that say it isn’t about looks as funnily enough the harassment stopped after I had children and I gained loads of weight!

I would say it influences my behaviour, certainly.

I do not walk anywhere on my own when it is dark, morning or night, I dont go to anywhere isolated by myself and I prefer to drive if I'm going somewhere alone.

one of the things that spurred me on to pass my driving test in my late teens was because I was having to rely on my male friends to walk me home if we were out or if I was at a friends house.

it's crazy when you think of all the little things a lot of us do in terms of modifying our behaviour, in the event that we get attacked.

@HoulYerWheesht how ridiculous. Of course no is a complete sentence but there are many situations where a blunt no would inflame the situation and if you're on your own and unsupported it might not be safe to be blunt. Women should be able to say fuck you arsehole but you're not living in the real world if you read my post and thought that none of this nuance is ever required. Even when it's safe to tell a man to fuck off (physically) he might be a friend of a friend or worse the husband of your friend, or your boss...........

Geez. The utopia you're living in, you're lucky!

Of course, being 50 now these issues are less present in my every day life now but being single and being perceived to be low status by many meant for years that I was not perceived to have the right to say fuck off. I did say no. But I had to do it carefully to avoid being further marginalised.

A single women without wealth and only average looks is not perceived to have the right to say no in the mind of the lecherous predator. There are lots of nice men who if you dig a little (not very deep) will be OFFENDED that you said 'eurgh no' to them and when they're in your circle of acquaintance, often the reality is that the onus is on you to keep things smooth so that they don't launch a smear campaign.

This is awful but it has been my experience.

I think a part of it was to do with being ''low status'''. First of all, in my youth, unqualified, lacking confidence, average looks. Then later in my late 30s, a single mum, telling everybody everything, wanting friends at the school gates.

It's better now I'm older. Better for ME. The issues, the tendencies, they haven't gone away.

I was assaulted in broad daylight in a crowded shopping centre by a man who groped me, tried to kiss me and then pulled me by my hair to the ground and kicked me.

I have also been assaulted on the way home from school, pulled into a man's car and groped.

I have also been followed and flashed at in the woods several times.

I have had consistently been harassed by men three or four times a year with varying states of seriousness since age 7.

You are lucky it's not happened to you. As a young Asian woman I was once told by a man it was because men assume I am submissive. It has usually been strangers. It absolutely stops me leaving the house on my own now.

What a ridiculous post! I get harrased ALL the time. Literally, all the time. From comments made at me to men staring inappropriately.
I get men approaching me and asking me for my number.
I've had a van full off construction workers offer to pay for my fuel at a petrol station 2 months ago!! They were clearly not being serious but why is it ok for them to behave like that!?

I've had men walking out behind me in supermarkets saying things out loud to get my attention, I've had issues at traffic lights when a car stops next to me and I've even been harassed when in a park with my 3 children.

I HATE it and will activity avoid situations where I know it's more likely to happen and I am NOT beautiful, I am a normal looking 40 year old female.

The sad part, I now notice grown men gawping at my 13 year old daughter!!!! My blood boils.

The way you look is irrelevant. It will happen to you regardless and we should not be minimising it.

That's awful @AvocadoBathroom , predators see you how they decide to see you.

I’ve never been harassed in any way. I’m no looker and I don’t dress scantily so there’s nothing for any guy to have a go about. The only person to ever have a go at me was a fellow woman! The only example of sexist behaviour I’ve experienced was from a woman, against women. Honestly, I avoid other women like the plague but men are generally fine.

@AvocadoBathroom

I was assaulted in broad daylight in a crowded shopping centre by a man who groped me, tried to kiss me and then pulled me by my hair to the ground and kicked me.

I have also been assaulted on the way home from school, pulled into a man's car and groped.

I have also been followed and flashed at in the woods several times.

I have had consistently been harassed by men three or four times a year with varying states of seriousness since age 7.

You are lucky it's not happened to you. As a young Asian woman I was once told by a man it was because men assume I am submissive. It has usually been strangers. It absolutely stops me leaving the house on my own now.

I am so sorry you have had go deal with these predators. I hate that it makes you not want to leave your house. How do you deal with it when you do have to go outside,

I've never been told why men do it, not that their reasons matter. But I'm 5ft2 and Indian, I often think if I was much taller and physically intimidating to a degree, it wouldn't happen as much as it does. I think they try to intimidate me and assert power.

Some terrible experiences on here! WTF? AvocadoBathroom Its disgusting you cannot leave your house on your own! Were men always like this I wonder or has it got worse in recent times? I have a dog but wont go anywhere lonely with her by myself .

@SweetPetrichor

I’ve never been harassed in any way. I’m no looker and I don’t dress scantily so there’s nothing for any guy to have a go about. The only person to ever have a go at me was a fellow woman! The only example of sexist behaviour I’ve experienced was from a woman, against women. Honestly, I avoid other women like the plague but men are generally fine.

wow, the internalised misogyny there is so sad

@SweetPetrichor

I’ve never been harassed in any way. I’m no looker and I don’t dress scantily so there’s nothing for any guy to have a go about. The only person to ever have a go at me was a fellow woman! The only example of sexist behaviour I’ve experienced was from a woman, against women. Honestly, I avoid other women like the plague but men are generally fine.

Jesus this is a sad read.

So women who are good looking or 'dress scantily' are giving men something 'to have a go about'?

And all women are to be avoided but men are fine.

The misogyny is coming from inside the house 🙃