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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My boyfriend doesn’t know if he wants kids!

96 replies

Smithy12345 · 28/04/2021 21:27

Help!!!

My boyfriend and I have had around 3 discussions about one day having children. From the off he said to me “I want to travel as much as we can now as one day I’ll have children and stuff to pay for”. So that being said I always assumed he would want them!

It’s kind of changed since, he’s not said he definitely doesn’t want them, but he says he doesn’t know. However he talks about kids all the time like “If I ever have a child....” & sends me videos of memes and funny things involving children on social media.

I’ve said to him before after getting upset “you would tell me if you definitely didn’t wouldn’t you.” And he said yes he would and he wouldn’t waste my time like this. He’s a very honest person so I think if it was a complete no go he would have said by now.

He’s always told me it’s not a “no, because I th in think you’d be an amazing person to have a child with, but I just don’t like it when the question comes up”.

Please someone help, we are both 27 and I do not want to struggle to get pregnant. At the same time it’s my dream to have children, and if it’s a definite no I would leave him.

We are also about to buy a house together, so maybe I am wanting to much straight away?

I maybe think he does want them? But he doesn’t want them yet, and he gets embarrassed talking about it?

HELP!

OP posts:

HippeePrincess · 28/04/2021 21:29

I wouldn’t be in a relationship with a 27 year old who couldn’t have a proper conversation about future children. Certainly wouldn’t be buying a house with them!

Chickychoccyegg · 28/04/2021 21:33

As above, I wouldn't be buying a house with someone who couldn't have a straight conversation about something so important, he may well string you along for a few years before letting you know he definitely doesn't want kids

ImInStealthMode · 28/04/2021 21:33

What HippeePrincess said. If he can't have a grown up conversation about it with someone he's committed enough to be considering buying a house with, then don't buy a house or have kids with him.

katiedidnt · 28/04/2021 21:35

See above. Also agree - it's a mistake to plan a future with someone who can't bring himself to even talk about the future.

Wizzbangfizz · 28/04/2021 21:36

Don't have kids with a man who doesn't want them, leave and find a man who wants what you want.

Puntastic · 28/04/2021 21:37

Yeah, you need to clarify his position before going further.

FizzyApricot · 28/04/2021 21:37

Don't buy a house until you've discussed it properly. Don't be afraid to move on if he still is uncommitted to the idea and it's something you really want.

Wrenna · 28/04/2021 21:38

What about asking him if you could try now, if you are ready of course. If he says yes then great! If he responds negatively then ask him then when - six months, a year - and if he says yes really be firm about then you want to try then and stick to your dates. Anything over a year and I’d say he wasn’t intentionally ‘lying’ to you but maybe to himself?

FizzyApricot · 28/04/2021 21:39

While you don't want to settle for someone just because they want children you do need to find someone who knows they want children if that is what you want.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/04/2021 21:43

I'm sorry to be harsh, op, but you have got to give your head a massive wobble. Do Not buy a house with this man, and better yet, end it. At 27, you can not allow a man to fuck you about like this. He's not even capable of talking about the future like a mature adult, and I hate to break it to you, but his "I'm not sure" is probably a NO, he just doesn't want to deal with upsetting you.

Run for your life.

greeneyedlulu · 28/04/2021 21:44

@HippeePrincess

I wouldn’t be in a relationship with a 27 year old who couldn’t have a proper conversation about future children. Certainly wouldn’t be buying a house with them!

This with bells on!! How can you have a future with someone you can't even have a serious conversation with??

Booboobadoo · 28/04/2021 21:47

I bought a house at a similar age to you with a man who wanted children at an unspecified point in the future. He then left me for someone else and they had children straight away. Please be firm and prioritise your needs.

therocinante · 28/04/2021 21:48

Yup, you have to ask him outright and if he can't give you an answer then that's an answer in itself. His answer could even be "I don't right now, I might one day but I cannot promise it", but you deserve to be able to have that conversation at least without him being vague about it.

Don't buy a house with him until he can discuss something this important with you like an adult.

notagainmummy · 28/04/2021 21:53

Surely if he's buying a house with you all the dreams of travelling the world have either been fulfilled or shelved. Before you sign get a straight answer to when can we have a child. If he says 2 years, get your diary out in front of him and write it down. The conversation will then be...in 2023 we can take DB (dear baby) on its first holiday.

If you see evasion and squirming, time to end it.

ShagMeRiggins · 28/04/2021 21:53

Why have you started threads in AIBU and on the Pregnancy board within three minutes of each other?

It leaves the impression that you’re impatient and makes me wonder why you want to be pregnant by the time you’re 30 (from the other thread).

What’s with the timeline? Shouldn’t you be focusing on having the right relationship, etc?

Obviously do what’s right for you, stop second-guessing what he means, but maybe think more about what you really want, and why.

Best of luck.

MrsPsmalls · 28/04/2021 21:55

I somewhat disagree. I dont think many men want children at 27 or dven have mant adult thought at all! Ds at 26 is absolutely not ready to have children same as all his friends. I can't imagine they are all going to be child free and I bet by 35 most of them will have children. It's bad luck you are the same age because you are not the same maturity. And presumably you don't want to wait till you are 35. So dump if you can't get any sense from him, but he may well want them in the future. My experience says 27 year old men are not known for their maturity and foresight though. They are only just out of the 'most likely to have a ridiculous car crash' bracket! And they may yet (usually do) grow up.

Willow4987 · 28/04/2021 21:57

I echo all of the above...if he can’t give you a straight answer then do not tie yourself to him

If I was with someone who didn’t want children or couldn’t even say for definite that they did at some point then it would be a deal breaker

You’re not asking him to try for a baby now, but he does owe you a straight answer

GettingItOutThere · 28/04/2021 22:02

do not buy a house with him until you know 100% one way

someone i knew did not have this conversation with her partner, she didnt have kids. he didnt want them. they bought a house and she was trapped. no kids for them 10 years down the line

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 28/04/2021 22:09

I didnt know if I wanted kids at 27. I wouldn't have really wanted a serious discussion about it then either. We didnt start talking about it seriously til after I was 30 then started trying a few years later after we had travelled more etc. At that age only one of my friends from school had kids (as had settled with a much older man) and now they all do. If it's important to you though he should be willing to talk about it, talk rough timescales and agree when to review jt

Ilikecheeseontoast · 28/04/2021 22:10

My husband was like this before we got married. We ended up having a big chat where I said I wanted children and marriage in the next 2 years or I would leave him as it would mean we wanted different things from life. It gave him the kick up the backside he needed as 10 years later we're happily married with 3 kids and he's a great dad. Sometimes you've just got to get straight to the point and threaten them into submission

Sammiesnake · 28/04/2021 22:18

I think it’s perfectly possible that he doesn’t want them yet but will go on to have them. The issue is that he should be clear and honest about what he wants. At 27, my husband wasn’t ready for kids. However, he knew he wanted them once we were ready and we had a rough timeline of what we were planning (house, wedding, kids etc). He should be capable of discussing this else you really should think about moving on. You know what you want - be true to yourself and don’t let someone else mess you around.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/04/2021 22:18

How long have you been together? Have you discussed marriage? Would you want to marry before having children?

I agree that the biggest issue is your inability as a couple to have serious conversations about serious things. You presumably had many discussions about buying a house, timeline, finances, mortgage, what sort of house etc. So why not your future? You getting upset isn’t helping. You trying to interpret memes isn’t helping. Him pissing around and getting defensive isn’t helping.

Don’t go ahead with the house purchase. How were you planning to buy it, as shared owners or tenants in common? It’ll be easier to split up if you can walk away without loads of paperwork to untangle.

You’ve got plenty of time to have babies. But no has time to waste in a relationship with someone who refuses to be honest and open. You only get one life. Use it wisely.

ImInStealthMode · 28/04/2021 22:44

@MrsPsmalls But if your Son or his friends were in long term relationships and at the stage of buying houses with their partners, presumably they'd at least be capable of answering a 'do you want kids?' with an 'I'm not sure yet' which is all the answer the OP needs, if she is certain of wanting kids and wanting them sooner rather than later.

If her partner refuses to even discuss it then she needs to leave before matters are complicated by a shared mortgage and she ends up trapped in a cycle of 'if I wait another year he might be sure' for the next 10 years.

I speak as someone who spent so long hanging around men who didn't want to have that conversation that now I've found one who does it may be too late.

BertramLacey · 28/04/2021 22:49

I think many people really don't know for sure whether or not they want children when they're 27. Men in particular, since they don't have the time issues. IMO it's fine that he isn't sure at the moment. BUT I wouldn't buy a house with him. He may be fudging the issue when he actually means no. It's fine for him not to be sure but you are in very different places at the moment, and that's not good for a relationship.

Honeydrops5 · 28/04/2021 22:53

Theres a simple solution to this - ask him outright yes or no. Does he wants kids. No beating around the bush you want a straight reply. Your both 27, time to start communicating like it!

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