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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My boyfriend doesn’t know if he wants kids!

96 replies

Smithy12345 · 28/04/2021 21:27

Help!!!

My boyfriend and I have had around 3 discussions about one day having children. From the off he said to me “I want to travel as much as we can now as one day I’ll have children and stuff to pay for”. So that being said I always assumed he would want them!

It’s kind of changed since, he’s not said he definitely doesn’t want them, but he says he doesn’t know. However he talks about kids all the time like “If I ever have a child....” & sends me videos of memes and funny things involving children on social media.

I’ve said to him before after getting upset “you would tell me if you definitely didn’t wouldn’t you.” And he said yes he would and he wouldn’t waste my time like this. He’s a very honest person so I think if it was a complete no go he would have said by now.

He’s always told me it’s not a “no, because I th in think you’d be an amazing person to have a child with, but I just don’t like it when the question comes up”.

Please someone help, we are both 27 and I do not want to struggle to get pregnant. At the same time it’s my dream to have children, and if it’s a definite no I would leave him.

We are also about to buy a house together, so maybe I am wanting to much straight away?

I maybe think he does want them? But he doesn’t want them yet, and he gets embarrassed talking about it?

HELP!

OP posts:

Wabe · 29/04/2021 09:55

I agree. I didn't want a child until the end of my 30s. On the other hand, I wouldn't have stayed with a partner who clearly was desperate to 'settle down' and have them at 27, when I was still a postgraduate student abroad with a lot of plans that came ahead of buying a house and having children.

OP, is he/are you travelling, or were you planning to, pre-Covid? Or what does he mean by this? If he wants to go around the world, for instance, or spend time working and living overseas, it does seem to contradict the intention to buy a house with you in the immediate future.

You don't sound particularly well suited to me.

Wabe · 29/04/2021 09:58

X-post with @NewlyGranny -- yes, I had questions about the travel plans, too. And yes, I've both travelled before and after having a child, but some of the most wonderful things I've done simply wouldn't have been possible with the child I actually have. I had the time of my life going around India by train, that just wouldn't have been possible at all with a child who is a very fussy eater. That's possible with a child in theory, absolutely, but not with mine as a reality. (And he's been to India, where he lived in plain yoghurt and chapattis. Not manageable longterm!)

OneRankSuperior · 29/04/2021 09:59

Honestly, I think it’s fine for him not to be certain at this age.

I also think it’s fine for you to buy a house with him despite this. DH and I bought a house together long before we had committed to having children. And I’m glad we did as if we’d waited until we were ready to have children we’d never have been able to afford a house!

So yes by all means stay and buy a house. You kist have to recognise the gamble you’re taking. That may well be a gamble that pays off, and you’re best placed to judge that. Do you love him enough you’re prepared to take the risk? Or is the need for certainty about having children so important that it overrides everything else?

Remember nothing in life is certain. No-one can guarantee what your future holds - you may suffer ill health, fertility problems, one of you has an affair, you separate. You leave him and spend years looking for the man who ticks all the boxes, meanwhile he meets someone else and starts a family. Any of these things could happen. You can only make a decision that seems right at the time.

queenatom · 29/04/2021 10:01

Not being sure about whether or not he wants kids yet isn't in and of itself a red flag (although it may well be a personal deal breaker, and that's fine). Refusing to engage in a meaningful discussion about it and making you feel bad for trying to do so absolutely is.

I had a similar situation with my now-husband - he wasn't sure whether or not he wanted kids and, if so, when, whereas I knew I definitely did and I also knew the latest date I was prepared to start trying. I'm also 4 years older than him, so the time pressure was more intense. Before we made any commitments like getting engaged or buying a house, we had a very clear discussion where I told him that I needed a commitment to having kids and to doing so by no later than a particular birthday of mine (not my end of the line date, a couple of years earlier). He was prepared to do that.

Now, obviously what you can't control is whether or not his answer to that is honest, but I fully intended to hold him to it and to call it quits if he showed signs of wheeling back on that date so that I'd have time to find someone else or go it alone if necessary. In the end, we started trying several years before the date initially mentioned and we're now expecting our first child.

All of which is to say, don't make any serious commitments until you can have a straight conversation with him about this, and it's perfectly fine if you have a date in mind that you need to hear to be happy to continue the relationship. If he can't commit to that date, that doesn't make him a bad guy - but you need to consider whether there's a future ahead.

OneRankSuperior · 29/04/2021 10:11

And as an aside, it often annoys me on MN that many people’s default answer to any scenario that is imperfect is to start afresh, as if it were replacing a pair of jeans that don’t fit.

Problem in your friendship group? Ditch them and find a new one! Because it’s that easy to just make new friends.

Problems in your relationship? LTB! Because it’s not as though you might suffer years of heartache, regret and being dicked about by flaky losers on online dating.

Problems with your child’s nursery? Send them to a new one! It’s not as though waiting lists are an issue!

It’s very easy for strangers online to tell you to move on. In real life, working through imperfect is often the right thing to do.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 29/04/2021 10:16

@OneRankSuperior

And as an aside, it often annoys me on MN that many people’s default answer to any scenario that is imperfect is to start afresh, as if it were replacing a pair of jeans that don’t fit.

Problem in your friendship group? Ditch them and find a new one! Because it’s that easy to just make new friends.

Problems in your relationship? LTB! Because it’s not as though you might suffer years of heartache, regret and being dicked about by flaky losers on online dating.

Problems with your child’s nursery? Send them to a new one! It’s not as though waiting lists are an issue!

It’s very easy for strangers online to tell you to move on. In real life, working through imperfect is often the right thing to do.

He's not imperfect, he's just not compatible with the OP because she wants to start moving towards family and kids and he doesn't.

This is a classic 20s relationship that breaks down.

There's no commitment yet, they're not married, no kids, house not bought yet.

Ridiculous to hang onto this when it's very obvious it's one of those things where he probably won't be ready for another 10 years.

CounsellorTroi · 29/04/2021 10:26

*He's not imperfect, he's just not compatible with the OP because she wants to start moving towards family and kids and he doesn't.

This is a classic 20s relationship that breaks down.

There's no commitment yet, they're not married, no kids, house not bought yet.

Ridiculous to hang onto this when it's very obvious it's one of those things where he probably won't be ready for another 10 years.*

This.

Eaststreet · 29/04/2021 10:28

I don’t really think he’s done much wrong. I know for a fact if I’d been discussing kids regularly to my DH at 27 he would have ran a mile. Not because he didn’t want them but for him it was still so young and there was so much life to experience.

5 years later and he’s arguably more excited than me about starting a family.

It sounds like you want them soon and he probably doesn’t so he doesn’t know how to answer the question and is being vague to not disappoint you as he can’t give you the answer you want to hear.

DizzySquirrel90 · 29/04/2021 11:37

There's not much background on the relationship to go by, if your both 27 and have known each other for 6 months then to constantly be asked wether you want kids would be a bit off putting/pressuring.

Whereas if you've been together a good 5+ years, that's a different story.

BobBobBobbin · 29/04/2021 12:32

Ridiculous to hang onto this when it's very obvious it's one of those things where he probably won't be ready for another 10 years

It might be, or might not be. Only OP can really decide if her desire for certainty outweighs everything else.

And of course there is no way to get certainty now - if her boyfriend can’t make that commitment yet, he can’t make it yet. It’s not like she can just trade him in for someone who can commit now. Even if she does decide she can’t stay with her partner without certainty, realistically in most cases it’ll take years to start from scratch and be at a stage in a new relationship that you’re ready to commit to starting a family together.

My DH and I were together from our early 20s and neither of us could have said with any certainty until we were nearly 30 that we wanted children. We did have a bit of a relationship wobble because I got to certainty while he was still at the stage of thinking perhaps not - but we stayed together which was the right thing for us as we now have 2 DC and he’s a great dad and husband. It was a tough time though with quite a few tears and we did consider splitting up. Then when it came to the crunch I absolutely freaked out when I got pregnant and thought it was a terrible mistake and he was the one who talked me round!

Rebelwithverysharpclaws · 29/04/2021 12:58

You have been clear about what you want. If he is not saying yes to having children then in reality he is saying no. Don't buy a house with him and don't let him run down your fertility clock. So many men are ready to steal a woman's fertile years.

Allwokedup · 29/04/2021 12:59

Hey a straight answer before you buy a house with him!

Dozer · 29/04/2021 13:01

How long have you been dating?

Wouldn’t buy a property with him. Unclear whether he’s committed to you and wants similar things on a similar ‘timeline’.

Dozer · 29/04/2021 13:05

Personally wouldn’t buy property with a partner before marriage (or firm date booked!)

PembrokeshireDreaming · 29/04/2021 13:09

How long have you been together? I am gobsmacked that you are buying a house together but haven't agreed on any future plans.

Have you talked about marriage, is that something you would want before children?

You should be very clear about your future plans before adding a joint house purchase into this relationship.

DizzySquirrel90 · 29/04/2021 15:05

@Dozer

Personally wouldn’t buy property with a partner before marriage (or firm date booked!)

@Dozer What?! Why?! 😂

Me and my partner bought a house before we got engaged.

DizzySquirrel90 · 29/04/2021 15:06

@Dozer

Personally wouldn’t buy property with a partner before marriage (or firm date booked!)

I'd seriously question your priorities if you are going to prioritise a potential £10,000 wedding over a deposit on a house.

Dozer · 29/04/2021 15:11

Because I didn’t want shared debt/commitment of a property before marriage, and primarily wanted marriage and DC.

(Wedding party choices / costs are a separate matter from marriage)

DizzySquirrel90 · 29/04/2021 15:18

Everyone has their preference I guess but I'd much rather it be the order of

House
Marriage
Children

Children before house seems a bit daft.

LilMidge01 · 29/04/2021 15:18

Tbh I dont think theres anything wrong with him saying "I'm not sure". That might be the truth, not him trying to hide a "no" (especially based on his other comments).

I'm a woman and I didnt know at age 27 whether I wanted kids or not.

However the issue here is not him, but the fact that your priorities are not aligned. You clearly very much do want kids.

That is sufficient reason to question the relationship and if he said no or you got the feeling he was avoiding, then you should likely walk away.

But I also dont think you should get all emotional and chuck in the towel and not consider other things just because hes taking a little longer to figure out whether he wants children or not. Evrryone has different timescales and if you're serious about this and potentially being parents together then you are a team surely? Have you talked marriage? Ither future things of what you both want from life? You've clearly talked houses...

Conkergame · 29/04/2021 15:24

OP are you me from my past?! I was in exactly the same situation as you aged 27! I pushed for an answer and he ended up saying he wasn’t even sure about marriage. That was the final straw for me and I broke up with him (thankfully before buying a house with him!)

I ended up buying a flat on my own, spending 3 sad years missing him and having a crap time being single whilst all my friends settled down. At 30 I met now DH and everything just clicked into place right from the start. It was never a question of whether we would get married or have kids; it was just a matter of when.

Try to go with your gut, although it can be hard!

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