My boyfriend doesn’t know if he wants kids!

[Smithy12345]

Help!!!

My boyfriend and I have had around 3 discussions about one day having children. From the off he said to me “I want to travel as much as we can now as one day I’ll have children and stuff to pay for”. So that being said I always assumed he would want them!

It’s kind of changed since, he’s not said he definitely doesn’t want them, but he says he doesn’t know. However he talks about kids all the time like “If I ever have a child....” & sends me videos of memes and funny things involving children on social media.

I’ve said to him before after getting upset “you would tell me if you definitely didn’t wouldn’t you.” And he said yes he would and he wouldn’t waste my time like this. He’s a very honest person so I think if it was a complete no go he would have said by now.

He’s always told me it’s not a “no, because I th in think you’d be an amazing person to have a child with, but I just don’t like it when the question comes up”.

Please someone help, we are both 27 and I do not want to struggle to get pregnant. At the same time it’s my dream to have children, and if it’s a definite no I would leave him.

We are also about to buy a house together, so maybe I am wanting to much straight away?

I maybe think he does want them? But he doesn’t want them yet, and he gets embarrassed talking about it?

HELP!

My husband was married, a father of one and with another on the way at 27.

Do not buy a house with him and move on.

There are almost as many threads featuring women in their mid-20s to mid-30s (and sadly later) with these men who are still swithering (or saying no) to marriage and kids as there are women who procreated with an immature man (who was immature before the kids came along).

Don't buy a house with him unless he is committed to the same future you are. Otherwise, once you have locked youself deeper in with him, I bet he will start mucking you about more and more with his 'maybe/maybe nots'. A decent man does not do that.

Time for straight communication - he commits to having a child with you or you walk away from buying a house with him. You must protect yourself and your future dreams.

I don't think he's talking in riddles, he just can't say at the age of 27 (still young) for definite that he wants to have children in the future. I was the same as him, didn't decide that I did want a family until I was 35/36.

He is not in the wrong here, he is not a manchild. For op it is a deal breaker so she's got a tough decision to make. But it's on her.

How long have you been together?

To be fair it sounds like you’re hassling him a bit. You’re both only 27, we’ve been stuck in lockdown for ages and he probably wants to fantasise about being free for a while. Locking yourself down with kids at 27 would sound depressing to me especially now.

I don’t think you should be buying a house together. Maybe you should go your separate ways. You sound in a hurry and he’s not. You’re incompatible.

@Chicchicchicchiclana

I don't think he's talking in riddles, he just can't say at the age of 27 (still young) for definite that he wants to have children in the future. I was the same as him, didn't decide that I did want a family until I was 35/36.

He is not in the wrong here, he is not a manchild. For op it is a deal breaker so she's got a tough decision to make. But it's on her.

No, he's not, but he's too immature to be committing to buying a house with someone who has more of an idea of what she wants and needs in life.

Men string women along about this all the time. You might like to believe he wouldn't, but what makes him any different? You know you want children, get out there and find someone who wants the same as you do. I expect you'll buy this house then in a few years he will turn round and say he doesn't want them. You'll split up, but you'll be a few years older by then and starting again. He and you will have wasted the best years of your fertility. Time for him to make his mind up.

My ex used to talk all the time about having kids, discussed names etc. Seemed to genuinely want to start a family with me at some point but didn't want to discuss when.
I accidentally fell pregnant and he reacted really badly. Spent a few weeks screaming at me over the phone and avoiding me in person. Then he disappeared off the face of the earth (and straight onto online dating). I ended up going through an abortion alone and he ignored my messages.

OP, I'd be forcing a hard conversation on him if I were you. I'd also be thinking very hard about buying a house with someone who won't have a proper conversation with you.

So op needs to put a stop to it because for her it's the deal breaker. Lots of 27 year old women would be on board with this man - ie. we probably will have children one day (hopefully) but I want some more childfree years before then. If she's not happy with that ... then she needs to decide.

Personally I wouldn't buy a house with someone if I wasn't married but that's another story.

I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong either. He’s being honest. I was still very young in a lot of ways at 27. Most of my friends didn’t have kids until early / mid 30s.

But if his choices aren’t compatible with yours then you don’t have to stay with him.

no one knows what they want really,because life doesn't move in a straight line. I didn't want children when I got married, but suddenly came home after night shift & climbed into bed,just said to my wife, " I think it would be nice to have a child " " what's suddenly changed ? " she asked " me" I said, that was 35 yrs ago. so as you see,everything changed. my gran had a saying you only buy the house,not the view, how very true

My partner and I have conversations like this, but we’re both your boyfriend. We both like kids, we’re both not totally against the idea of having them, neither of us have ruled it out, but at the same time neither of us is dead set and determined that we -must- have them, and we both also express doubts about the idea too. Luckily we’re both on the same page, but if either of us were giving mixed messages out it would be because we both genuinely have mixed feelings about the idea.

When I was 27, I was not ready to put a timeframe on having kids. I knew I wanted them in future, but I wasn't ready and wasn't sure when I would be. The answer turned out to be 32, and I'm extremely glad I waited until I was ready. So by all means pressure for a definite answer, but I firmly disagree with some previous posters on pushing for a definite timeframe.

This happened to my friend. She was strung along for so many years by her husband, he would tell her to check out the maternity pay/leave when she started a new job, etc.

She’s now in her 40’s and has come to accept that she will never have a child, I’m heartbroken for her.

OP it sounds as if you need some clarity from him – not, do you definitely want kids ‘at some point’ (easy to defer the question), but – ‘is there a chance you might decide further down the line that you don’t want kids?’. This changes the emphasis of the question and may help you both clarify where you stand.

I'd think seriously about leaving him and would definitely not buy a house together if he's not happy to say he wants a child in the future even if not able to give a timeframe.

My exH always said "yes, one day", "if you got pregnant I'd be thrilled" etc but it turns out he basically didn't mean any of it but knew it was a dealbreaker for me so said those things anyway maybe hoping they'd one day be true.

I'd expect him to know and be able to commit.or set a timeline at 30, but not 27.

The issue is that he doesn't want to talk about it. I'm 31yo and I'm still uncertain if I want kids. However, I'm honest about this to my bf. If kids was a deal breaker for him then I'd suggest him to find someone else.

I think it is totally fine if he does not know. He just has to tell you that and then you can decide to find somwoen else who is 100% sure they want kids or you at least know that not having kids is also relatively likely.

I think we are conditioned to have kids (men and women) and then you stop and think what it means then it creates the debate inside you biology/society vs. Brain type thing that can be overwhelming.

@ThePants999

When I was 27, I was not ready to put a timeframe on having kids. I knew I wanted them in future, but I wasn't ready and wasn't sure when I would be. The answer turned out to be 32, and I'm extremely glad I waited until I was ready. So by all means pressure for a definite answer, but I firmly disagree with some previous posters on pushing for a definite timeframe.

Thing is though, her DP isn't you. If she waits five years and he's no closer to being ready, that's lost time.

I agree that buying a house with someone who doesn't know if he wants children or not isn't a good idea.

I also think that at 27 he probably doesn't even know whether he wants them, and was honest enough to tell you. I don't know many 27 year old young men who know if they want children TBH. It is a mssive commitment.

@FizzyApricot

Don't buy a house until you've discussed it properly. Don't be afraid to move on if he still is uncommitted to the idea and it's something you really want.

This.

Also, it’ll be very easy for him to say yes, he does want kids to keep you happy, so maybe make a life plan. Ie. Buy house by end of 2921, start trying for baby in 2022/3. He if he vague, then maybe a sign of non-commit all.

How long have you been together?

Just to offer the flip side than most of these posts. My DH was 26 when we met. He said he wasn't sure he wanted kids. I wasn't sure either at this point. By the time we got married I was sure I did and he was still hesitant, he was 30 by this point. He agreed to start trying. 3 years later I'm finally pregnant after a few rounds of ivf and he couldn't have been more 'in it' if he'd wanted too. From the moment we started trying he wanted a baby as much as I did, and our infertility issued affected him just as deeply as they did me. So people saying a 27 year old should know what they want isn't always true. Men need a few more years of growing up than we do!

I think his indecision is normal - both for men and for women at 27 years old. At 27, I did not want children at all. (Spoiler alert: I have several.) I don't think that he

Thing is, you want dc now. And even if he said to you, yes I want children when I am... 29? 32? 35? ... would you trust him to keep his word? He could decide for or against in the next few years. It's not a promise that he can make, to be honest, because who knows how he will feel in the future?

You want a partner who will buy a home with you and then set about having a family. That's absolutely a great goal, but it's not the immediate goal of the partner that you have.

I think you may be stuck. There is probably nothing he can say to convince you, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that he wants to wait two years and then he will be ready.

A very tough one, OP.

@Smithy12345, he's told you “I want to travel as much as we can now as one day I’ll have children and stuff to pay for”, but has he given you a timeline of these travel plans? eg "this year let's go to XYZ for X weeks/months, then next year go to ABC for X weeks/months" and that's be the travelling out of his system? If not, this talk of him wanting kids some time is all airy fairy isn't it. Plus has he said how you'll both be doing lots of travelling after you've saddled yourself with a mortgage? That's "stuff to pay for"! What's your living situation at the moment?

I don't think he's wrong to have a "one day" vision of children, but he's unreasonable not to have some idea of timeline and to be able to communicate that clearly with you.

@Mseddy

Just to offer the flip side than most of these posts. My DH was 26 when we met. He said he wasn't sure he wanted kids. I wasn't sure either at this point. By the time we got married I was sure I did and he was still hesitant, he was 30 by this point. He agreed to start trying. 3 years later I'm finally pregnant after a few rounds of ivf and he couldn't have been more 'in it' if he'd wanted too. From the moment we started trying he wanted a baby as much as I did, and our infertility issued affected him just as deeply as they did me. So people saying a 27 year old should know what they want isn't always true. Men need a few more years of growing up than we do!

No, they don't. They're people just as we are. My husband was 25 when he became a father.

I'd never advise someone to gamble waiting round for a man.

But then, nor would I at 27 stay with someone who was nebulous about the future or too immature to have an adult conversation to plan for the future. There's nothing wrong with a person like that, but they'd have been incompatible with me as this person is incompatible with the OP.

I know you can't travel at the moment, of course, but how firmed up and detailed are his travel plans, really? If the savings are going on a house deposit, is there enough left for travel when restrictions are finally lifted?

The answers to this will tell you whether travel is a real plan for him or just something he can use to block your baby plan.

Is he aware that you can travel with children? We travelled a lot before we had our three DC and we kept right on traveling after we had them, too.

He sounds as if he's stringing you along and waiting until your fertile years have all slipped past and it's too late.

If he doesn't want children, that's his choice, but he doesn't get to choose childlessness for you by dishonesty and delay, not unless you let him.