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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My boyfriend doesn’t know if he wants kids!

96 replies

Smithy12345 · 28/04/2021 21:27

Help!!!

My boyfriend and I have had around 3 discussions about one day having children. From the off he said to me “I want to travel as much as we can now as one day I’ll have children and stuff to pay for”. So that being said I always assumed he would want them!

It’s kind of changed since, he’s not said he definitely doesn’t want them, but he says he doesn’t know. However he talks about kids all the time like “If I ever have a child....” & sends me videos of memes and funny things involving children on social media.

I’ve said to him before after getting upset “you would tell me if you definitely didn’t wouldn’t you.” And he said yes he would and he wouldn’t waste my time like this. He’s a very honest person so I think if it was a complete no go he would have said by now.

He’s always told me it’s not a “no, because I th in think you’d be an amazing person to have a child with, but I just don’t like it when the question comes up”.

Please someone help, we are both 27 and I do not want to struggle to get pregnant. At the same time it’s my dream to have children, and if it’s a definite no I would leave him.

We are also about to buy a house together, so maybe I am wanting to much straight away?

I maybe think he does want them? But he doesn’t want them yet, and he gets embarrassed talking about it?

HELP!

OP posts:

Marcis · 28/04/2021 23:03

I’m someone who got married and bought a house aged 27 - I’m incredulous that he’s being excused by some for behaving like this- he is not a teenager! My husband and I were able to communicate honestly- when asked about children my husband would say ‘eventually, probably want first child to be here or on the way by 35’. We agreed to have an ‘annual review’ and actually decided on sooner.

I lived with a loser like this who kept me going with ‘maybe’ before I got rid and met my husband. A man who actually respects you is honest with you.

Pastnowfuture · 28/04/2021 23:16

I didn't know at 27 if I wanted kids. At 29 when we bought a house together I still didn't know but I was comfortable enough with the idea to be sure that if it became a priority for my partner (he wasn't sure either) I would be happy to go along with it. We chatted it through every so often and eventually, at 36, we decided I would come off the pill.

Your partner already knows it's a priority for you and with that in mind I would suggest that before commiting to buy a house you discuss timescales. He might feel it's too far in the future to worry about if he's thinking 37/38, whereas if you're thinking 29/30 it will feel like an immediate concern. Have you ever talked about "when"? I would be worried about your relationship in general if you can't communicate about this issue. Hopefully you can have a good talk x

Keepitonthedownlow · 28/04/2021 23:19

@HippeePrincess

I wouldn’t be in a relationship with a 27 year old who couldn’t have a proper conversation about future children. Certainly wouldn’t be buying a house with them!

This

Keepitonthedownlow · 28/04/2021 23:19

He's a manchild.

user1471549213 · 28/04/2021 23:33

At 27 I think he should have a clear idea as to where he feels his life is going and whether he wants to have children. I wouldn't buy a house with him if you don't have a life planned together with similar goals.

For context I met my husband when he was 26, we moved in together after a year and had conversations about where we saw our future, we got engaged after 2.5 years, saved and married a year later and 11 months later welcomed our first daughter, at that stage he was 31. We knew what we wanted out of life was aligned and we went for it. If your goals in life aren't aligned you have no future together or at least not a happy one.

I'm sorry but you need to be sure before you buy property together. You could break up, move out, be married with a child and still be tied to him if you do.

WorraLiberty · 28/04/2021 23:45

Why would you buy a house with someone who is unsure about having children, when you've said if he doesn't want them you'd leave him?

That makes no sense at all considering a mortgage is normally a 25 year commitment.

NewlyGranny · 28/04/2021 23:49

I wouldn't commit to buying a house with someone just hoping he might want a child or two in it someday. Let his commitment match yours first. It's much harder to untangle once you have a shared asset!

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 28/04/2021 23:54

Honestly...this is not a long term sustainable relationship. You both want different things. And it's not fair to make someone have a child who is so obviously hesitant. It's hard enough when you want kids let alone when you don't want them

Sunshin388 · 29/04/2021 00:07

Don't be afraid to set your terms for the relationship. A lot of young women are afraid to voice their wants and needs for fear of being dumped and that's a recipe for disaster later on. Take this from someone who had to go through a painful divorce at the age of 30 and had to start dating again. I was ruthless after that and straightforward and you know what? I'm in the best relationship I have ever been in, it only took me 34 years to get here

Voice your terms and if he doesn't cut it, move on. You are worth it. Remember that, you are worth it! You have to value yourself first otherwise no one else will. Sounds twee but whatever, it's true.

freecuthbert · 29/04/2021 01:17

If it's your dream to have children then you need to find someone who is also invested in this dream. He is definitely not invested in this dream, so that means leaving him.

Some people would like children, but are happy to give up on this for a partner they love. Would you be willing to give up the possibility of having children?

If you are sticking around in the hopes that he will simply change his mind some day, then please don't waste your time anymore. Men often string women along (and vice versa) acting "unsure" or "maybe" until it's simply too late.

What would you prefer? To be childless and remain with this man, or to have children with someone else? It all boils down to that really.

Changechangychange · 29/04/2021 01:28

A lot of men are like this. DH only got married because I needed to for (complicated, work-related) reasons. We only started TTC because I insisted on it - he’d have happily waited until we were 40 (and then we’d have been childless, because we had fertility problems and it took me 5 years to have DS). He loves DS, and is definitely glad we had him, but is still dragging his heels about number 2 even though we have been TTC again for nearly 3 years now.

You know what your next own DP is like, but if I waited for DH to “agree” with things, nothing would ever happen. He is exactly the same with holidays, decorating, big purchases etc - he has anxiety, and gets too paralysed to make a decision.

I will say though, that he recognises that he has a problem, and has said many times that he is happy for me to make decisions on his behalf about major things like having children. He trusts my judgement, he doesn’t trust his own because of his anxiety.

HidingFromTheChildren · 29/04/2021 01:28

He's stringing you along really. If nothing else he's happy to have you put your life on hold while he decided what he wants. I wouldn't tolerate it.

timeisnotaline · 29/04/2021 01:31

Christ don’t buy a house with him. You can say ‘I love the idea of buying a house with you but I really don’t want to talk about it now. Please stop insisting.’ Because that’s about the response his immature little take on you should shut up now about what matters to you deserves.

DeeCeeCherry · 29/04/2021 01:39

After you've bought the house he'll say it's the "wrong time financially" to have children as you've mortgage & other stuff to pay for.

You want children - he doesn't. He's 27 not 17, he knows what he wants. & what he doesn't. Why are you putting your future in his hands, in this way? He's future-faking you.

Don't buy a house with him. You don't have similar life priorities, for a start.

AMCoffeePMWine · 29/04/2021 01:41

It’s quite possible that as of now, the boyfriend doesn’t know if he wants kids. But knowing this, don’t tie yourself up with him financially, by house buying. If he then decides on no kids, you’ll have a mess to unravel. I’d buy a place myself, and consider my options going forward, if I were you.

BoomBoomsCousin · 29/04/2021 01:45

I don't think he's doing anything wrong. He's pretty clear that he doesn't want children right now, isn't he? He sees some attraction in the idea but he also loves the things he'd loose and he just doesn't know how much that's going to change in the future. That's not an unreasonable state of mind, it just doesn't match your own. You're at different points in your lives.

If having children is so important to you that you are pretty sure you will regret staying with him if he ends up not wanting them or not wanting them on a time scale that works for you, then you need to put the breaks on this relationship and go and find someone who definitely does want children. Which can take some time, so don't delay. Definitely don't buy a house with him if you are this concerned about the relationship, it will make things much more difficult and costly to move on from.

Strokethefurrywall · 29/04/2021 02:13

Everything @BoomBoomsCousin just said.

I didn’t want kids at 28, although I knew I’d want them eventually. He’s not doing anything wrong and you’re both still young.
But if you’re buying a house, I’d suggest setting your cards on the table. Or maybe do it the “old fashioned” way and get married, then buy a house, then have a baby.
I’d assume that if folk get married these days it’s usually because they both want the same things?!

PerveenMistry · 29/04/2021 02:51

He doesn't want kids, that's clear.

Talking someone into it is beyond immoral on an overpopulated planet.

Find someone who really wants to be a father.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/04/2021 03:08

" "I’ve said to him before after getting upset “you would tell me if you definitely didn’t wouldn’t you.” And he said yes he would and he wouldn’t waste my time like this. He’s a very honest person so I think if it was a complete no go he would have said by now."

Would he have said? Really? When saying a complete no would end the relationship that he's quite comfortable with?

"He’s always told me it’s not a “no, because I think you’d be an amazing person to have a child with, but I just don’t like it when the question comes up”."

That could be paraphrased into 'He’s always told me it’s not a yes, because although he thinks I'd be an amazing person to have a child with, he doesn't actually want them - and he'd much rather I never raised the subject again so that he can pretend being 27 lasts forever and he doesn't want to dwell on the cruelty of stringing me along until I'm 37 and then saying a definite no having wasted my fertile years on him.'

The 'but I just don’t like it when the question comes up' is pathetic. And a red flag. Don't commit to buying a house with him unless and until he is willing to commit to YOU.

newnortherner111 · 29/04/2021 06:56

I suggest you assume his answer is no, or will be at some point in the future, and decide on your relationship based on that.

At least he is being honest about his indecisiveness.

midnightstar66 · 29/04/2021 07:01

You need to know for sure before you even think about buying the house. That is far from expecting too much. The kids thing is a dealbreaker so you need to be in the same page. While at 27 you still have plenty time, you'd be wasting that buying a house with a man that turns round and changes his mind. Personally I'd put the house on hold as I'd be wary of him saying what you want to hear then chafing his mind later.

PinkElephant7 · 29/04/2021 07:02

I wouldn't buy a house with him at this point for sure! 27 is young for many these days so it might be that but as it's very important for you, it needs a serious conversation. Keep talking and if you have a timescale, you had better make that known and keep it in your own mind if you have to make a difficult decision at some point.

girlofnow · 29/04/2021 07:46

He says he doesn't know if he wants kids, which I think is fine. He's only 27. I didn't know if I wanted kids at 27.

It sounds like you want kids in the near future which is also fine. But he doesn't. It's a tough call for women that men don't need to make.

I've been in a similar position. I met my partner around 28 and he didn't know, he was five years older. I had my first at 34 and second at 38. But each situation will work out differently.

Voomster953 · 29/04/2021 07:56

As an adult man he needs to be able to have straight conversation about it, not talk in riddles. That’s pathetic.

Do you think he’s not trying to commit himself to anything but also trying to give you just enough so you don’t leave him?

And if children are a dealbreaker for you, I’d think long and hard before tying yourself into a house with a man with whom your future is so uncertain.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 29/04/2021 07:57

@HippeePrincess

I wouldn’t be in a relationship with a 27 year old who couldn’t have a proper conversation about future children. Certainly wouldn’t be buying a house with them!

All this. I would walk away. No, would not waste more time with him. It goes fast.

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