AIBU to tell Mil to f**k off and she is a bad grandmother

[UhInLaws]

Having difficulty toilet training my autistic son. He is 3.
We have tried visuals (printing off a picture of our toilet and laminating it) to show while asking if he needs the toilet. Visual instructions in the toilet. Potty books, with potty songs and potty badges. Using chocolate reward and stickers. Putting underwear in his nappy so he feels the dampness more. And taking him every hour. But he does not understand as he pees 5 minutes after taking him.

Mil thinks its our fault he is not toilet trained and has a speech and language delay. Saying have you tried using a toilet set or are you talking to him as advice. Or wondering why we are having such difficulty. And if she isn't judging and blaming us she is judging my son when she is not ignoring him. For example when she sees him saying oh don’t you know your age in a patronizing manner. So basically focusing and pointing our the things she can't do.
AIBU to tell her to just F**K right off and tell her she is a terrible grandmother. I depise this women at this point. She is complete toxic narcissist.

[UhInLaws]

Christmasfairy2020 I will never leave my son alone with that toxic women

[FrozenVag]

You need to wait, he’s just it ready yet

Do things in your own schedule and don’t worry about social pressures

if he doesn’t get it just work on other aspects

My son was v quick out of nappies but didn’t speak until he was 5 or eat properly until he was 6 - those were out sticking points.

[YouJustFoldItIn]

I depise this women at this point. She is complete toxic narcissist.

Good grief. I know the words toxic and narcissist are thrown around far too readily these days but this really takes the biscuit.

[wombatspoopcubes]

No advice but my autistic nephew wasn't succesfully potty trained till he was 4. Don't stress, take multiple week breaks in between training if it doesn't seem to work and don't despair, he WILL learn how to once he is ready. You know him the best, you'll know when he (or you) need a break from potty training.

[BoringBettie]

We are having the same trouble with my DD, it’s really really hard because we don’t have the means of communication. She is also autistic and is now nearly 5. I don’t think she’s a bad grandmother, but when DD was 3 I did get to a bit of a breaking point because I was so sick of everyone’s unsolicited advice - so I can definitely empathise with how you are feeling.

[UhInLaws]

YouJustFoldItIn thrown around? So it's okay to point out what your autistic grandchild can't do in front of him? It's okay to blame your son's parenting implying his caused autism? Its okay to threaten to not cloth your child because he asked for pocket money? Its okay to give your child silent treatment for weeks and months? Like once when we told her to visit another weekend as I was in bed with an infection. If she visited while I was ill in bed she would have sulked that I didn't come down to greet her even though I was too ill to get out of bed. Its okay to throw a tantrum over minor critism? Your right thats normal

[Homehaircuts]

He doesn't sound ready. Any child that age can be slow or just not be bothered by it. Maybe take a step back with the mil if she is being frustrating and annoying. It's not her problem to toilet him unless you ask her of course.

[GrumpyHoonMain]

Have you or your DH told her exactly what his autism diagnosis means for him? Sounds like you don’t talk to her much so it’s probably coming from a place of ignorance or Google. Continence and speech training for kids with milder forms of autism are very different to more advanced forms.

[Fieldsofstars]

A lot of NT children struggle with toilet training at 3.

[nokidshere]

I don't get what your problem is? Just stop having her round and tell her why.

[YouJustFoldItIn]

Yes. Thrown around.

Like once when we told her to visit another weekend as I was in bed with an infection. If she visited while I was ill in bed she would have sulked that I didn't come down to greet her even though I was too ill to get out of bed.

Sorry - you want us to agree that she's a toxic narc based on what you think she might have done in a given situation, as opposed to what she has actually done?

[ddl1]

Her unsolicited advice to you is tactless and annoying but if that was all, I'd suggest biting your tongue and treating it as possibly well-meaning if poorly handled.

Her rudeness to your child is another matter. Sometimes people with communication disorders pick up on far more than others realize; and this sort of attitude could really hurt and discourage him. Also, it is just wrong to bully or ostracize someone for a disability!

[ReggaetonLente]

Honestly it sounds like you are doing an amazing job with your son and that some of your frustration cones from her a) not understanding how difficult it is and b) not appreciating how hard you are trying and how much you do. Which is very understandable!

I'd just see her less and tell her less. Pull right back. You have enough on your plate and you don't need this.

[Abouttimemum]

My nephew is autistic and isn’t potty trained and he doesn’t speak. Nobody patronises him because he’s a child with additional needs.
She sounds dreadful.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

You haven’t said how often you’re seeing who or who’s arranging it. If you hate her this much then don’t make any plans to see her and if DH wants to ge can go there. That gives him the easy life he wants. If she ignores DS when she’s around him then DH must notice this so stop them having any contact. You’re not banning DH from popping in to see her and you don’t need permission from anyone to stop seeing her yourself.

It’s fine to have a rant but take some action or the problems will persist.

[jacketdrama]

I've put YABU because 'toxic narcissist' doesn't mean 'difficult and tactless person with outdated views'. Yes, it's obviously it's a difficult situation, but she's just someone who grew up in an era when there wasn't much knowledge or sensitivity about autism (I say that as an autistic person with an autistic child and other relatives, so have dealt with a lot of this). You need to explain to her firmly what autism is, maybe give her a book to read or get your dh to sit down and talk to her. It might be a long process, but personally I've needed a lot of a family support with my children, so I'd try and get her onside if you can.

[Crowsaregreat]

YABU to invest so much energy in this. I doubt she's actively trying to be mean, she might need more help to understand what autism is, how it affects him and what she can do to help. I'd make your DH do this with her and minimise your own contact with her as you don't seem to like her much.

If your efforts to make her understand don't get through, then you can decide she's being malicious. From what you've said, I think there's still a fair chance she just needs more education. I can see it's frustrating for you, but being angry with her is not the best way forward.

[Hadjab]

You’re expending a lot of energy ranting - either:

1. Tell her to fuck off and go NC
   

2. Sit her down and explain how she isn’t helping, and how she needs to keep her opinions to herself

3. Accept the fact that this is how she is, and you put up and shut up

[CaraherEIL]

But god hasn’t the OP got enough to do looking after her son without doing SpecialEd classes for her MIL. She knows she has a grandson, one would hope she loves the grandson, she is aware of her grandsons diagnosis. Can’t she buy a book and read a book herself. Sorry does the OP have to babysit her MIL too before she has any hope of loving support. Does the MIL have no comprehension of the shock and adjustment of an autism diagnosis without adding to the distress. What the hell is matter with her?

[VodkaSlimline]

It sounds like she just doesn't get it. Does your son have a diagnosis/has he had an assessment yet? If so can you show her the report?

[OrangeRug]

YANBU. I mean probably don't tell her to fuck off lol but it's really irritating when people can't grasp that your child is not ready for potty training and DOES NOT UNDERSTAND. I had a work colleague suggest I take a week off work and "just go for it, spend the week potty training her!" when my DD literally does not understand the concept.

[5zeds]

Ds is autistic and language delayed. It sounds like you’re doing all you can and this woman is making it harder. You are allowed to just not see her so much and when you do, do it in as easy a way as possible (Eg meet her at someone else’s or just send dp round without you). Enjoy your little boy, slower or different isn’t less. There will. Be lots of happy times and you will find the people who suit you.

[jacketdrama]

@CaraherEIL it's great if family and friends are accepting and supportive and do their own research on autism. My experience was that my family weren't very good at educating themselves and found it hard to come to terms with. Yes, it's an effort to try and teach other people while at the same time doing the parenting and learning to cope yourself. But for me it was worthwhile as I got support I wouldn't have had if I'd just told my family to fuck off and buy a book.

[MimiDaisy11]

People are so selective in their reading of the original post. As if all the OP said was that her MIL suggested something. People completely skipping over the fact that MIL blames the parents for autism and is bullying towards him.

I don't have any personal experience of autisum but I have enough sense that if a close child to me was diagnosed with it that I'd do some reading on my own - especially before giving advice to parents. So many times on MN there are accusations of ageism. Is the MIL really not capable of doing this for herself?

[CaraherEIL]

In my mind this is the difference between your own mum and the MIL, Your own mum sees what you are coping with, loves you and does all she can to help and support both you as her daughter and her grandchild. MIL in my experience have very little interest in the DIL and merely want the grandchild presented in a manageable and expected package. If that doesn’t happen they are invariably critical as if you as the DIL have somehow failed.