AIBU to tell Mil to f**k off and she is a bad grandmother

[UhInLaws]

Having difficulty toilet training my autistic son. He is 3.
We have tried visuals (printing off a picture of our toilet and laminating it) to show while asking if he needs the toilet. Visual instructions in the toilet. Potty books, with potty songs and potty badges. Using chocolate reward and stickers. Putting underwear in his nappy so he feels the dampness more. And taking him every hour. But he does not understand as he pees 5 minutes after taking him.

Mil thinks its our fault he is not toilet trained and has a speech and language delay. Saying have you tried using a toilet set or are you talking to him as advice. Or wondering why we are having such difficulty. And if she isn't judging and blaming us she is judging my son when she is not ignoring him. For example when she sees him saying oh don’t you know your age in a patronizing manner. So basically focusing and pointing our the things she can't do.
AIBU to tell her to just F**K right off and tell her she is a terrible grandmother. I depise this women at this point. She is complete toxic narcissist.

[Porcupineintherough]

Why are you letting a "toxic narcissist" near your child?

[HST58]

YANBU, from somebody with an autistic toddler who knows first hand how difficult it is to toilet train him.

I have no patience for ignorant people like your MIL who don't understand SEN but feel justified in judging anyway.

[Nightbear]

’Mil thinks its our fault he ... has a speech and language delay.’

Fuck that.

[Devlesko]

I'm glad non of my dil's are like you.
She has made suggestions and you say she's blaming you.
So what exactly is happening when you say she blames your son or ignores him.

Your child is clearly not ready, stop taking your frustration out on your poor mil.

[UhInLaws]

BlueLobelia thanks . Yes I wish my DH would have a serious talk with her, he has just lets slide most of her behaviour all his life for a quiet life as she is likely to throw a tantrum when confronted. She threatened to stop buying him clothes once when he dared raise the question of pockey money, and has given him weeks and months of silent treatment over very minor things.

[The4ks]

I think the older generation struggle to understand autism. My grans similar. Just ignore.

We tried potty training my autistic son at 3 and he just wasn't ready. Tried again at 4 and was a lot easier.

He's 5 now and at school with minimal accidents, still wears a pull up at night though. Will change this when I think he's ready.

Important thing is not to stress too much about it.

[YoniAndGuy]

Stop seeing her!

If what you say is true, she gets little out of the relationship (ignores him) and you and your son get nothing.

Stop facilitating contact, and if she asks why, tell her. You can't see any benefit to the relationship right now - and this is why.

[apooagnuandyou]

YANBU

Many NT children are not ready to be potty trained at 3! I am amazed you put up with that woman at all, why do you have to see her and put up with her so often?

The advice for NT children is to leave it for awhile and try again later. I don't know if that applies but you can easily find advice from people with experience. The warmer months are coming, makes it easier too.

From what I have gathered about it, it sounds like in many cases children potty trained too early struggle with night training for longer. Either way, your MIL sounds like an uneducated nightmare.

I would try to see her much less, then just smile, nod and ignore. Maybe play a little bingo in your head, it's easier to put up with people like that when they are amusing!

[Aprilshowersandhail]

Do you visit her? Take a step back. Say you are staying home for a while to give ds chance to get things going with potty training
.
Get dh to send her a book about autism.

[The4ks]

But yeah, tell her to fuck right off.

[Blindstupid]

OP .. in the nicest possible way, you might be better off going to the SN boards for advice re your son, rather than slagging off mil on AIBU ...

[Tal45]

She sounds horrid, stuck in her ways, not interested in listening or learning, thinks she knows best and thinks you must be the problem. I would take a big step back, what you and your DS need are love and understanding - I remember trying to toilet train my ds who has asd but didn't have speech issues and it was hell - not some judgey cow making you feel bad.

[steppemum]

I do find mn frustrating at times.

There is obviously an issue here about her understanding of autism which 'didn't exist' when she was parenting.

So typical mn - she is an ogre, cut her out of your life.

OR, here is a thought, EDUCATE her about autism. Make it a point of repeated conversation between you. Give her books and leaflets, ask her if she has read them. Ask her if she has questions. Suggest she does an autism awareness course.

Then, eventually, you will have a MIL who is on side and able to help.

My friend did this. Her parents were really supportive but didn't understand, in the early years it lead to a LOT of frustration, and the sort of situation where they gave unhelpful advice. But little by little they got it, and now they are fabulous grandparents to their teenage autistic grandson.

[UhInLaws]

Why are you letting a "toxic narcissist" near your child? thanks to DH

Devlesko so its okay for her to blame us for our autistic son having a language delay and not being toilet trained? Its okay for her to ignore our son when she sees him? Its okay for her to point out what my son can't do infront on my son? So you are okay with bullying children with autism pointing out what they can't do in front of them? Wow just wow

[Crazycatlady83]

I totally understand OP. Many a time have I wanted to tell people to f* off. Their constant “neuro-typical” child advice is bloody annoying and so unhelpful. Like you wouldn’t have thought of all that in the first place! My MIL has constantly questioned my DS diagnosis and has a way of phrasing things like it’s our “fault”. We just totally ignore her when she says things like this now or my personal favourite “oh MIL, it’s the 1970’s on the phone, they want their parenting advice back”.

For what it’s worth, my autistic DS toilet trained at 3 1/2 years old. One day he took his nappy off and said no more. And that was that! He has speech delay and we were worried at first he wouldn’t be able to communicate to us when he needed to go, but he has never had an accident. He was dry at night before that time though (probably from about 3 years old) and so maybe he was just ready?

[EmpressSuiko]

He is very young still and I wouldn’t expect a lot of 3 years old (NT or autistic) to be toilet trained at that age.
It can be an ongoing battle to toilet train a child with autism, my 8 year old still isn’t there yet.
Have you considered buying a book to help explain autism to her that includes speech and toileting issues? It took my dad a little while to get on board with autism, he wasn’t ignorant it was just understand where the behaviour and issues stem from. You could also seek advice from NAS, they will have advice on organisations that could help support you and explain it to her.

[UhInLaws]

Blindstupid I do get advice from there and every where I can. Its just i want a rant about mil because she is an ignorant ***

[Ponoka7]

"I think the older generation struggle to understand autism."

And those who have autisic children in the family, who they love, educate themselves. I've come across some lovely older people who do get it and are honest about how many children were shipped off to institutions and that it was wrong.

@Devlesko, did you miss the bit were the GM blames the parents?

OP, if you've already tried education then go as LC as possible and challenge everything she attacks you with. This isn't a matter for your DP, you need to have your child's back.
This will go on throughout his life and little comments by people who are supposed to support you really eat into a child's self esteem. My autistic adult DD now wants nothing to do with some members of the family because of remarks growing up, I never realised how much they bothered her.

[PembrokeshireDreaming]

I have a child with autism and learning difficulties. My MIL is useless and doesn't get it at all...............my mum is fantastic and follows (and understands) how we parent.
If she can't or won't get on board then reduce contact, it will only upset you and mixed messaging will have a negative impact on your son.

[randomlyLostInWales]

MIL as a bit like this with potty training - though she'd wanted me to start with pfb at one as that when she apparently rememeber DH being done a bit of rose tinted glasses and possibly routine catching rather than training.

It was an additional stressor as they were summer born and nursuries where we were at the time had expecations - it was other mothers who kept me sane and they did have accidents at school and it was dealt with.

Youngest did it herself with only few accidents at 2.5 we didn't do anything different- MIL boasted far and wide - which I thought odd.

I suspect the problem is you're already worried and stressed and then she's coming a long and adding to it. Friend's had similar with a very late walker and another very late talker - constant comments from family feeding parental worry.

Fuck off might work here or might make it worse depends on people and dynamics - or some mangement short visits/ longer gaps between- maybe with DH running interference - some MIL distractions - some stock phrases you can just repeat or some resources you can point her to again and again?

[UhInLaws]

Their constant “neuro-typical” child advice is bloody annoying and so unhelpful. Like you wouldn’t have thought of all that in the first place! My MIL has constantly questioned my DS diagnosis and has a way of phrasing things like it’s our “fault” yes i feel the same and that sounds like my mil, as if we are lying or caused it with bad parenting

Ponoka7 Its trying to get DH on board and stand up to his mother

[PembrokeshireDreaming]

@steppemum

I do find mn frustrating at times.

There is obviously an issue here about her understanding of autism which 'didn't exist' when she was parenting.

So typical mn - she is an ogre, cut her out of your life.

OR, here is a thought, EDUCATE her about autism. Make it a point of repeated conversation between you. Give her books and leaflets, ask her if she has read them. Ask her if she has questions. Suggest she does an autism awareness course.

Then, eventually, you will have a MIL who is on side and able to help.

My friend did this. Her parents were really supportive but didn't understand, in the early years it lead to a LOT of frustration, and the sort of situation where they gave unhelpful advice. But little by little they got it, and now they are fabulous grandparents to their teenage autistic grandson.

Some people just refuse to be "educated". My MIL for example!!!! I have been the same with the rest of my and dh family but she just doesn't "get it".
DH has just been diagnosed with ASD at 49 ............we haven't told MIL and kept her out of the assessment process as it would have been counterproductive.

[randomlyLostInWales]

Its trying to get DH on board and stand up to his mother

DH struggled with that so I stepped in and stood my ground and made corrections back usually politely to keep moral high ground though very pointed at times few years of that and he started doing it as well - though TBF he's better standing up to my parents than I am even now - so much so I much prefer visisting with him.

[Christmasfairy2020]

Simple solution. Take child and drop at her house for the day

[Puttingouthefirewithgasoline]

"We just totally ignore her when she says things like this now or my personal favourite “oh MIL, it’s the 1970’s on the phone, they want their parenting advice back”. "


OMG LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!

I wish I had used this along with no car seats, cots un strapped on back seats, fag smoke so thick you can barely see the road ahead, no seat belts, children left in cars whilst parents boozed and no drink drive laws till later!