AIBU to tell Mil to f**k off and she is a bad grandmother

[UhInLaws]

Having difficulty toilet training my autistic son. He is 3.
We have tried visuals (printing off a picture of our toilet and laminating it) to show while asking if he needs the toilet. Visual instructions in the toilet. Potty books, with potty songs and potty badges. Using chocolate reward and stickers. Putting underwear in his nappy so he feels the dampness more. And taking him every hour. But he does not understand as he pees 5 minutes after taking him.

Mil thinks its our fault he is not toilet trained and has a speech and language delay. Saying have you tried using a toilet set or are you talking to him as advice. Or wondering why we are having such difficulty. And if she isn't judging and blaming us she is judging my son when she is not ignoring him. For example when she sees him saying oh don’t you know your age in a patronizing manner. So basically focusing and pointing our the things she can't do.
AIBU to tell her to just F**K right off and tell her she is a terrible grandmother. I depise this women at this point. She is complete toxic narcissist.

[emilyfrost]

Why is she a terrible grandmother?

It sounds likes she’s just trying to her help with her unsolicited advice and you’re taking it the wrong way because you’re frustrated potty training isn’t working.

[Fabpinky]

OP just said she ignores him and speaks to him In a patronising manner

[AmyLou100]

No, your dp or dh should be dealing with this. What is he doing about it?

[Scarlettpixie]

I don’t think the example you give is any reason she is a terrible grandma. She is just trying to help without fully understanding the situation. So yes yabu.

[steppemum]

I do totally understand your frustration.

But I think your friend here is education, not killing her!
Seriously, can you find something that she would read or look at that would help her to understand autism and the problems it brings?
I would sit down with her and put it back on her in a nice way - you seem to have trouble understanding what autism is, and how it affects your grandson. We really want you to be able to understand him and his needs, so we have found some videos/leaflets to help you to understand it.
YOu could also do an understanding autism course, or do some research online.

Then every time she says something, you can say - how are you getting on with that book I gave you?

[parietal]

spend less time with her. concentrate on your son & ignore her.

[JohnnyEnglish]

I would leave potty training for now as In your own words your DS does not understand. Your frustrations will be evident to your DC which could make it harder later when you try again. Your MIL is maybe of the generation of towel nappies where potty training as soon as possible reduced the workload of parents. She likely has different ideas and is a product of her experience and time? I would provide to MIL some information on autism and explain to her why your DS may not yet be ready. I would not blow up the whole family dynamic over the loo. Good luck.

[Puttingouthefirewithgasoline]

Emily how are you deducing she is being sensitive to the condition and being helpful?

OP she does not get it, and unfortunately interesting can set a child back - yes I speak from experience when MIL decided ours also needing training, and it set us back and we had to stop visits because she would not listen.

YOu need to try and tell her that this is a condition and that other support methods will be needed. If she cant start to grasp this, and do her own research you have no choice but to limit alone time.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

It doesn’t sound like a close relationship with her is in yours or your son’s best interests. But where is your husband in all of this? It’s his mum. Is the the one choosing when and how often to see her?

Telling anyone to fuck off isn’t going to improve things so if that’s what you want to do then be away of the consequences and ideally have your DH on side, or accept he’ll have a relationship with her without you and DS.

[Stressedtoddlermum]

@emilyfrost

Why is she a terrible grandmother?

It sounds likes she’s just trying to her help with her unsolicited advice and you’re taking it the wrong way because you’re frustrated potty training isn’t working.

Honestly sometimes MiL’s can do no wrong on here.

Don’t invite her over OP! She sounds horrible.

[Puttingouthefirewithgasoline]

yes also - not every child clicks at three, pull back a little on the training.

[frazzledasarock]

She sounds like a spiteful witch.

Distance yourself from her. Leave her to your DH to deal with.

[UhInLaws]

emilyfrost advice - have we got a toilet set - thats the first step. We have tried everything I said above. And asking have we tried talking to him, we are on the Henen more than words speech therapy course to apply the right techniques to help, which she knows about. I constantly talk and try to make learning fun and read 20 books some days.

She also ignores him when she sees him and just points out what he can't do which is bordering on bullying him frankly.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

Back off and let your OH explain to his mother that her behaviour towards his son hurts his heart, she needs to listen and understand that DS has issues and no amount of her wishing otherwise will change that. She gets with the programme or is kept at arms length, for DSs sake.

[icelollycraving]

It doesn’t sound horrific but I’m guessing there’s a big old back story.

[WindowsSmindows]

You have ideas- laminating pictures and bringing him every hour- your ideas are not working
She has ideas- use a toilet set and try talking to him- her ideas are not working


So no, she's not an awful grandmother based on this information, no more than you are an awful mother based on this information.
You're both trying something, it's not working.
So leave it, keep trying, or try something different.

[Magnificentmug12]

If he isn’t ready at 3 then pull back. Why make yourself so miserable?

She is obviously worried and concerned but is panicking and wanting you to fix it instead of understanding that these things happen and they do eventually all catch up.

Mine didn’t talk until she was 5. I was panicked and of course you worry, but you need to try not too. Mine also refused to potty train- point blank- then I got him one of those small toilets that are a potty- and it worked!! 2 days later and he got it.

[AmberRoseGold]

My friend’s 11yo girl with v high functioning autism still isn’t consistently dry or clean. And they have tried everything. You certainly shouldn’t have to cope with another 8 years of helpful comments from your MiL. Agree with PPs- give her some explanatory leaflets and practise a paddington bear hard stare.

[UhInLaws]

She has ideas- use a toilet set and try talking to him- her ideas are not working thats the first step needed to apply other ideas. And the talking? no one sits in silence all day with their child.
The bad granmother bit is She also ignores him when she sees him and just points out what he can't do which is bordering on bullying him frankly

[Puttingouthefirewithgasoline]

ops ideas of pic help though is coming from advice to make things easier she has done her research , mils ideas are coming from what research and advice around autism and training in general?

[LittleOwl153]

Tbh if he's 3, especially a young 3 I'd leave off the toilet training he's just not ready. Being autistic he might be a good while yet - so stop adding that to the stresses of life.

In terms of the grandmother - she sounds hard work. Many relatives particualry older ones do not understand kids with special needs of virtually any kind. It's just not the way they were brought up. Some will embrace it, read everything going and feel like they know more than you. It's up to you and his dad to advocate for him. To provide information as to what does and doesn't work for him. If she refuses to come in board then yes distance yourself and your son - but make sure you tell her why.

Be kind to yourself - toilet training is one of those very emotive/ stressful topics for little ones. Like is he walking yet. You know your boy. He will do what he can when he's ready!

[Yummymummy2020]

She sounds like a nightmare op, you are right to not want much to do with her. I can never understand people justifying this kind of behaviour. I wouldn’t tell her to F off but I would pointedly say to her that you will stick to professional advice thank you and you want her to stop making rude comments in front of your son about his age and his abilities. I would be minimising interactions with her to be honest if she can’t get some cop on. She is not the parent you are doing your best and putting the time into helping your son. If he is not ready he is not ready all kids are different and that is ok. What’s important is you have the support you need not people Judging you or giving you a hard time. Your husband should be saying anything that needs to be said to her though rather than it being on you!

[MzHz]

My own ds is NT and he was only just ready about 3.

I’d agree with backing off for a bit

I’d also back off from MIL, even without the potty training issues, she sounds disinterested so don’t go out of your way for her.

[BlueLobelia]

Oh OP

My autistic now 12 year old was in nappies until he was 5. we tried everything we could think of. Then it all just fell into place. x

As for your MIL- well your DH might need to have some serious and firm words.