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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

13 month old fell down stairs AIBU

102 replies

stairgsate · 27/04/2021 20:58

Just to start the baby is fine, however I am shaking. Have just had a huge fight with my husband about this. Need to know if IABU.

I will try to state the facts to not corrupt with all the emotion I am feeling.

Youngest is just 13 months, started walking a few days ago. DH and I were putting laundry away/sorting clothes. I was on the stairs behind the baby, she was headed upstairs so I was staying close to make sure she didn't fall. I needed to go downstairs to DD room to sort out her clothes, DH was on the way up the stairs, with a small amount of laundry in his hand - a few socks and pants at most. So as he approached DD2 and I on the stairs I saw he was headed up, DD was also headed up so I said "have you got her?" He said "yes". I turned around and went into DD room. Next thing I hear is a few thuds and a cry.

DD had fallen down the stairs, they are carpeted, she is fine, not even a bump, no clue how many stairs she fell down because DH was not watching her.

I scream, check the baby over, he immediately starts making excuses, he was only going to be a minute, he had laundry in his hands, it was my fault, she won't be the first baby to fall down stairs etc.

In his shoes I would have walked up slowly behind the baby, closed the door behind us and put the laundry away. I am so angry that he is minimising and excusing this situation. In my view it is simply neglectful. I always worry when he is in charge of the baby and I hate it.

OP posts:

ghostyslovesheets · 27/04/2021 21:01

accidents happen - I wouldn't have screamed! and I wouldn't be overly angry either - baby is fine

LovesLags123450 · 27/04/2021 21:03

@stairgsate completely agree with u on this OP it was very neglectful. I understand because this is exactly how my DH is with our now 21month old. He always makes excuses and makes it out like I'm wayyy to careful!

It's hard to make them understand there isn't anything wrong with being too careful as u are avoiding accidents and potential danger.

Overthebow · 27/04/2021 21:04

Did he leave her unattended on the stairs?

1Morewineplease · 27/04/2021 21:06

Glad your baby is fine.
Strongly suggest a stair gate ASAP.

Yamaya · 27/04/2021 21:07

He is an idiot and completely lucky that she wasn't harmed. I'd be furious and would never trust him again.

Original poster

stairgsate · 27/04/2021 21:07

I screamed when I heard the thuds and the baby cry/scream. It was a fear automatic reaction.

Yes he left her unattended on the stairs, walked past her to continue up to the loft room. he has just sent me a message saying it was an error in judgement.

Thanks loveslags, I don't understand his decisions.

OP posts:

PandaLady · 27/04/2021 21:08

It was an accident - they happen. He must be feeling dreadful and you will be feeling shaky too.

DD isn't hurt, it doesn't make him a bad Dad.

DH and I allowed our then 13 month old son fall all the way down uncarpeted stairs, it was fucking horrific and I still feel a bit sick when I think about it 11 years later. But we are good parents who have always done our best.

Original poster

stairgsate · 27/04/2021 21:08

yes stair gate - irony is I have just had them delivered and wanted them put up, will be happening tomorrow :(

OP posts:

Original poster

stairgsate · 27/04/2021 21:09

First 2 kids we had when we were in a ground floor maisonette so never had the need for stair gates.

OP posts:

00100001 · 27/04/2021 21:11

These things happen.

Yes ,,he should have been more careful,but even then, something may have happened.

Hopefully after everyone has got over the shock,you can have a sensible chat about how to prevent it happening again.

PandaLady · 27/04/2021 21:12

Op, our son fell downstairs because we hadn't properly closed the stair gate...we took son to hospital despite him having no obvious injuries.

I was sure they would report us to SS for being such appalling parents but they said they see babies who've bounced down stairs every day of the week and it's generally the parents who are the most damaged by the experience!

twiggytwoo · 27/04/2021 21:13

He’s probably minimising a bit because he is also a bit shocked.

But I wouldn’t be happy about it. Obviously you can’t do anything but move on and learn from it (him not you!)

SixDegrees · 27/04/2021 21:15

It’s good that your DD is ok.

I don’t blame you for being angry. It’s terrifying when something like that happens.
We’ve had near misses like that with our DC, and even if the child’s unharmed, it’s difficult not to think of what could have happened if we’d been unlucky.

Is your DH likely to learn from this and watch your DD more carefully on the stairs now?

steff13 · 27/04/2021 21:16

I would think it's the rare parent who hasn't made an error in judgment that resulted in this sort of accident. Falling down the stairs, pinching fingers in a door, rolling off the couch, etc. Unless he's generally neglectful I'd draw a line under it and let it go.

Divebar2021 · 27/04/2021 21:20

Is he allowed to never trust you again if there’s an accident when you’re in charge? . My DD rolled off the bed AND has fallen down the stairs. It’s bloody scary I agree but I promise you that something will happen down the road and you will look back on this event with a different perspective. You will forget to do the car seat or you’ll tip them out the buggy or lose them at a park all of which I’ve had friends do.... so maybe let it go now and get the gates up.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/04/2021 21:22

Yes accidents happen and kids will get hurt, you turn your back and they have climbed up something or stuck their fingers somewhere etc and you can't watch them every second.

But in this case, it sounds like he deliberately left a 13 month old, who has only just started walking, on the stairs on her own, after you specifically checking with him that he was going to stay.

In my opinion, that's not an accident, that's negligence. It's pretty obvious what's going to happen to a child that can only just walk and is too small to have any sense of danger, on the stairs by themselves.

I say this as someone who is pretty relaxed about risk in general (let my kids on trampolines from a young age, don't always make them wear helmets on scooters etc) but ffs people die falling down stairs.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 27/04/2021 21:22

Accidents do happen but he really should have been more careful with her. My eldest fell down the stairs when he was about 2, I was terrified. He fell down the full flight because the stair gate was left half open and he was running from one room to another and lost his footing. Thankfully toddlers are quite robust and tend to fall like floppy rag dolls rather than stiffen up as older children and adults would so it tends to save them from major injury.

SarahAndQuack · 27/04/2021 21:23

I don't think you're wrong to have reacted as you did and to be angry; I also don't think he is wrong to say she's fine and she isn't the first to fall.

But what would bother me is that he didn't start out by apologising. He made a mistake; it was on his watch she fell. It's not that he did something deliberate or awful, but he owes it to you as the other parent to apologise well before starting to minimise the situation. Minimising is what you do to reassure yourself - or maybe your partner if they were to blame. You don't do it to stave off criticism from the other parent who's had a fright.

That said, if he can apologise and cop on, IMO you also ought to meet him halfway and acknowledge yes, she's not hurt, and no, he didn't set out to do it.

rawlikesushi · 27/04/2021 21:23

I've got four grown up children and have got a great many similar stories - all errors of judgment, some by dh, some by me.

I can see why you're annoyed with him, and I can see why you were scared, but I am sure he feels terrible and has learnt a lesson.

RealMermaid · 27/04/2021 21:24

It's not really an accident if he intentionally left her so he could go put away some laundry though is it. Of course accidents happen - and if he'd been right behind her but just didn't manage to catch her in time then that would be totally different. But leaving a 13 month old completely unattended on the stairs is a pretty massive error in judgement and I don't think you're unreasonable to be angry.

Original poster

stairgsate · 27/04/2021 21:24

I agree accidents happen, and I wouldn't be angry with an accidental fall or finger jammed in a drawer etc but I see this as easily preventable, he literally had to walk past her and he made that decision. That is what I don't understand.

He just doesn't see things the way I do, we both work full time, I need to be able to trust him but I don't. Ironically I do trust my 8 year old son as he always watches her closely.

I would hope this would change his actions, but I am pretty sure it won't.

OP posts:

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/04/2021 21:24

My husband forgot to do my childs seatbelt the other day. That's an accident. Knowing that she hadn't got a seatbelt on but driving off anyway because he had something to do, isn't an accident, its negligence. And I think that's the difference here

user648482729 · 27/04/2021 21:25

Something a bit like this happened when DD was about 18 months; I still don’t understand why DH walked ahead of her up the stairs rather than keeping behind her like I always did but I also know that I have done silly things without thinking and DH has never had a go at me about it so I didn’t in that instance either and he learnt from it

Ladyks3 · 27/04/2021 21:25

I would be livid. Accidents happen of course, but you said “have you got her?” Which to me means to follow her up the stairs to safety. My son is 21 months and we still do this on our carpeted stairs until we reach the gate at the top since we have hard tile at the bottom of the stairs. Hopefully it has scared him into not leaving her again, but I would be constantly reminding him to be careful when going up the stairs with her for a long while until I felt confident in him again.

Original poster

stairgsate · 27/04/2021 21:26

thanks all, appreciate all views. I think I needed to vent as much as anything.

OP posts:

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