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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

13 month old fell down stairs AIBU

102 replies

stairgsate · 27/04/2021 20:58

Just to start the baby is fine, however I am shaking. Have just had a huge fight with my husband about this. Need to know if IABU.

I will try to state the facts to not corrupt with all the emotion I am feeling.

Youngest is just 13 months, started walking a few days ago. DH and I were putting laundry away/sorting clothes. I was on the stairs behind the baby, she was headed upstairs so I was staying close to make sure she didn't fall. I needed to go downstairs to DD room to sort out her clothes, DH was on the way up the stairs, with a small amount of laundry in his hand - a few socks and pants at most. So as he approached DD2 and I on the stairs I saw he was headed up, DD was also headed up so I said "have you got her?" He said "yes". I turned around and went into DD room. Next thing I hear is a few thuds and a cry.

DD had fallen down the stairs, they are carpeted, she is fine, not even a bump, no clue how many stairs she fell down because DH was not watching her.

I scream, check the baby over, he immediately starts making excuses, he was only going to be a minute, he had laundry in his hands, it was my fault, she won't be the first baby to fall down stairs etc.

In his shoes I would have walked up slowly behind the baby, closed the door behind us and put the laundry away. I am so angry that he is minimising and excusing this situation. In my view it is simply neglectful. I always worry when he is in charge of the baby and I hate it.

.

OP posts:
Aria999 · 28/04/2021 04:22

He should have been there with her as he said he would.

You might be better off without a stair gate though. For various reasons they are basically impossible in our current house (and we have 4 staircases) - after an anxious couple of months of closely following her at all times dd (15mo) is now fully capable on the stairs and I'm glad she learned it.

(Famous last words! But she's stopped sitting down in the middle and falling over backwards at any rate).

MiaRoma · 28/04/2021 05:42

@Cushionsnotpillows

It wasn't an "accident" - it would have been an accident if she fell and he was behind her and couldn't grab her in time or she face planted and he was there to pick her up and kiss it better.

He CHOSE to go past up the stairs to another room and leave a 13 month old, very newly walking, baby on the stairs alone and unsupervised. He CHOSE to leave a baby where it was extremely likely she would fall.

He's either an idiot or just doesn't care. Neither is a "good dad". I'd be blaming him too for being such a dick.

All the "LoL kids bounce" brigade, seriously ask yourselves, would you leave a 13 month old climbing stairs alone? Really? Hmm

This. It wasn't an accident. He deliberately chose to walk past the child and leave her on the stairs. That is not an accident.

FTEngineerM · 28/04/2021 06:39

No @3JsMa I’m not being sarcastic, do you think that someone leaving a tiny toddler on the stairs has the ability to assess risk adequately? They certainly wouldn’t be looking after my DC anymore nor would they be able to work looking after DCs in an official setting.

It’s not an accident though so it’s not about someone ‘being a perfect parent’ as you say @sunflowersandbuttercups an accident is ‘ an unfortunate incident that happens unexpectedly and unintentionally’ accidents happen as other PPs have said like safety gates breaking, THAT is an accident. Leaving your child on the stairs IS NOT an accident.

Tossblanket · 28/04/2021 06:55

Accidents happen but what the fuck did he expect to happen leaving a newly walking toddler on the stairs?

Would he leave her in the bath for a minute?

HarebrightCedarmoon · 28/04/2021 07:00

Accidents happen. I remember DH and I got really engrossed in a football match once, and didn't realise 8 month old DD1 had crawled out of the room and we found her upstairs. She hadn't shown any interest in nor had been anywhere near the stairs before. She was fine, but I shuddered to think what could have happened.

minisoksmakehardwork · 28/04/2021 07:03

I appreciate you've had a lot of opinions already, but we have a 'one person on the stairs' rule to avoid accidents with one person coming up and another going down. 2 adults and a newly walking toddler, unless you have very wide stairs, isn't likely to go well. If dd was with you, we don't know that she didn't turn to try and go back down after you instead of continuing up with her dad.

Your Dh doesn't cover himself in glory by walking past her and leaving her alone on the stairs after saying he'd got her, but it's a lesson learnt and luckily no harm done.

MaMaD1990 · 28/04/2021 07:09

It was an accident and he's apologised. I'd leave it at that. It might be a good idea to start teaching your DD to go down the stairs on on her tummy (worked a treat with my DD after she fell down the stairs!).

AngstyMom · 28/04/2021 07:12

I appreciate you've had a lot of opinions already, but we have a 'one person on the stairs' rule to avoid accidents with one person coming up and another going down.

This explains so much! DM was told growing up that it was bad luck to cross on stairs, so there was only ever one person allowed on the stairs at a time. Patently ridiculous as, in secondary school, I crossed on stairs several times a day, so I always wondered where she'd gotten the notion. DGM must've used 'bad luck' to mean dangerous!

It was a bloody annoying rule as a teenager, I can tell you.

Ninkanink · 28/04/2021 09:02

It is a well known superstition that many people keep to. But yes, it’s likely that it stems from a safety perspective.

AlmostSummer21 · 28/04/2021 09:18

[quote 00100001]@AlmostSummer21. Well, people make mistakes.

Good job you're a perfect parent... You never once dropped the ball... Never made a mistake...no child ever got hurt in your watch...[/quote]
People make mistakes. Saying you've 'got' the baby on the stairs then walking over/past her to go up the stairs and into another room ISN'T a mistake. It's utter fucking stupidity, rapidly approaching neglect.

Onairjunkie · 28/04/2021 09:26

I don’t understand the ‘these things happen, just move on’ posts.

Of course they happen when a twat of a dad leaves a one year old unattended on the fucking stairs. What was he thinking??

Swordfish1 · 28/04/2021 09:37

I understand how shook up you are but accidents do happen, within seconds of turning your back sometimes.

I always thought I would be the perfect parent, as I'm very safety conscious but one of mine fell down the stairs. And we had a stair gate.

Simply a case of me and dh both went upstairs with dc. She followed him into the bedroom and I nipped into the bathroom to put some bits away. Literally in there a minute. DH thought I had taken her with me and was watching her, I thought he was watching her in bedroom. Stairgate wasn't shut because I thought dh had shut it and he thought I had.

My heart honestly was pounding out of my body when I heard the thuds. She was fine, not even a bruise. And we both starting blaming each other. But it was simply a case of we were both occupied for a minute.
Just be glad your dc is fine.

Unfortunately even the most careful of parents will have a momentary lapse of judgement or miscommunication.

I don't know a single one of my friends who doesn't have a similar story. Does not make any of them, or me, or you, or your dh a neglectful parent.

3JsMa · 28/04/2021 09:41

@FTEngineerM
I'm sure OP is shaken enough so your comments are rather redundant and simply patronizing.
Accidents happen within nanoseconds, whether you make a risk assessment or not.
(How do you do one at home? Do you walk around your house with a massive clipboard behind the aby/toddler and make an assessment of their every move?) Confused

JackieTheFart · 28/04/2021 09:44

I’m glad he’s apologised.

I think both of your reactions came from fear - that doesn’t excuse his actions that led to the accident - but hopefully that’s why he blamed you when it’s clearly his fault!

I hope this marks a turning point for him, because his actions today were just stupid. You’re right, a completely preventable accident to save himself a less than a minute. YANBU to be very upset with him, and I hope he can understand why.

FTEngineerM · 28/04/2021 09:45

@3JsMa you need a clipboard to figure out that a tiny toddler will probably trip and fall down the stairs? Sounds like an odd way to parent. The OP and others on this thread don’t need a clipboard to figure that out.

We’re not talking about a nanosecond here, unless there’s an incredible plot twist where the husband is an electron or something. Walking up the stairs and putting socks away takes a lot more than a nanosecond.

How is it patronising to the OP, I completely agree with her response and how she felt about the incident.

FTEngineerM · 28/04/2021 09:47

And yes, that contained sarcasm this time Wink

Gothichouse40 · 28/04/2021 09:50

I understand why you are upset. I think he could have waited with the wee one till you came back, it may have been a momentary lack of thought. Im glad the wee one is fine. Your husband will feel awful too. Talk about how you both feel to each other, don't let resentment fester. Then install your stairgates. Children can be quicker than you think so please don't punish yourselves too much.

littleredberries · 28/04/2021 09:51

My husband had a moment like this. He let our 11 month old play with a BUTTON. I said "you know that's a hazard" he said "yes but I'm watching her". Next thing I know I hear choking and he's just looking at his phone. I was the one to rush to her and help her. She swallowed it and was so lucky it went down. I was absolutely bloody livid.
Men can be really, really effing stupid.

Ninkanink · 28/04/2021 09:55

None of these examples are in any way the same as what OP’s DH did.

He made a shitty, stupid, neglectful choice - a conscious decision - and he absolutely is directly responsible for what happened.

Somethingsnappy · 28/04/2021 09:56

@PandemicAtTheDisco

If it's preventable by taking proper precautions I don't think it's an accident.
This! A thousand times.
Ninkanink · 28/04/2021 09:57

Yes...I’m staggered at the number of people who don’t understand such a basic thing.

Cleverpolly3 · 28/04/2021 10:01

If my one of my kids had fallen down the stairs at 13 months I would have them checked over.

And btw your husband should be the one taking her and explaining how it happened. Which was that he was cocky and dismissive with you and neglectful of your daughters capabilities and this is the result.

Ponoka7 · 28/04/2021 10:05

It isn't an accident if it's a matter of lack of supervision. But we do often make errors of judgement when our first toddlers start to get mobile. It's whether he will now think ahead and risk assess. His apology is a good sign.

@3JsMa, when you've got someone relying on you to keep them safe and healthy, be it a child, pet, or vulnerable adult etc, it's a simple matter of knowing that falls from heights can kill, so can getting hit by a car, drinking cleaning products, sharp things can cut you etc. All of the things we have learned over the years of being alive. Plus anything alive needs feeding/to drink and it will come out of the other end. So you make the person/animal who you are looking after a priority. It's that simple to keep things alive and well.

Skysblue · 28/04/2021 10:06

I would be livid. The minimising is outrageous.

I would also assume that he is incompetent with her and basically not let him have sole care of dangerous stuff until she is bigger. Exhausting and awful for the marriage I know. But he prioritised socks over a baby on the stairs.

Having a child made me massively change the way I saw DH. I used to admire him before. Once you realise you can’t rely on someone to look after their child competently, things feel very different 😥

Couchbettato · 28/04/2021 10:30

To me it's the fact he lied when you asked if he'd got her and he said yes.

He fully acknowledged that he didn't when he started minimising.