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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

13 month old fell down stairs AIBU

102 replies

stairgsate · 27/04/2021 20:58

Just to start the baby is fine, however I am shaking. Have just had a huge fight with my husband about this. Need to know if IABU.

I will try to state the facts to not corrupt with all the emotion I am feeling.

Youngest is just 13 months, started walking a few days ago. DH and I were putting laundry away/sorting clothes. I was on the stairs behind the baby, she was headed upstairs so I was staying close to make sure she didn't fall. I needed to go downstairs to DD room to sort out her clothes, DH was on the way up the stairs, with a small amount of laundry in his hand - a few socks and pants at most. So as he approached DD2 and I on the stairs I saw he was headed up, DD was also headed up so I said "have you got her?" He said "yes". I turned around and went into DD room. Next thing I hear is a few thuds and a cry.

DD had fallen down the stairs, they are carpeted, she is fine, not even a bump, no clue how many stairs she fell down because DH was not watching her.

I scream, check the baby over, he immediately starts making excuses, he was only going to be a minute, he had laundry in his hands, it was my fault, she won't be the first baby to fall down stairs etc.

In his shoes I would have walked up slowly behind the baby, closed the door behind us and put the laundry away. I am so angry that he is minimising and excusing this situation. In my view it is simply neglectful. I always worry when he is in charge of the baby and I hate it.

OP posts:

Cam2020 · 27/04/2021 22:36

Yes accidents happen, but stairs, water etc. are places where you're extra careful. I would have screamed too, OP. We can all have momentary lapses of judgement and things can happen so fast but in your husband's shoes I'd be feeling awful and playing out the 'what ifs', not playing it down. His reaction suggests to me he's not really learned anything from this. I don't know him though, so could be totally wrong.

IdblowJonSnow · 27/04/2021 22:37

He sounds like an absolute nob. Yes, accidents happen, but this was completely preventable. He doesn't give a shit does he.

You say you 'always worry', what else has happened?

sunflowertulip · 27/04/2021 22:53

I think you're being unreasonable to have argued about it. Very similar happened to my daughter and I felt sorry for the my husband too as he felt awful as well as concerned for my daughter. I imagine your husband is feeling defensive as you are so angry.

ButterflyTonight · 27/04/2021 22:59

When DC 1 was about 18 months old he had an accident due to DH's actions. It was a complete accident (he didn't know our toddler was behind him). DH was in shock and more upset than our DC. He blamed himself, even though it really wasn't his fault.

I felt no anger towards DH and certainly didn't blame him. But I would have been a lot more concerned if he'd reacted in the same way as your DH did, saying it wasn't his fault and accidents happen.

And if I'd warned DH that DC was behind him, and he'd carried on regardless I would have been furious.

Miasicarisatia · 27/04/2021 22:59

This minimising and calling it an error ofJudgement suggests to me that he is a man who doesn't like to be in the wrong and can't back down

Miasicarisatia · 27/04/2021 23:01

@sunflowertulip

This is not a husband who is feeling awful this is a husband who is irritated because something has happened on his watch that made him look bad

Bellaphant · 27/04/2021 23:01

My son is 21 months and we don't leave him on the stairs!

Mistakes happen - Ds broke his arm really badly a few months back running off the side of the bed - I put my leg up as a barrier and all it did was help him vault off! I felt awful but unlike the stairs, it really was an accident, not a lapse of judgement/care.

sunflowertulip · 27/04/2021 23:05

@Miasicarisatia may have gone immediately on the defensive if he was blamed straight away.

sunflowertulip · 27/04/2021 23:06

(Or he may just be an idiot)

Clangerschick · 27/04/2021 23:08

My friends toddler ended up in hospital having operations to treat a brain haemorrhage following a fall down the stairs which was actually an accident (tripped and fell past the adult walking up the stairs behind her who tried to grab her but missed). Yes children fall down the stairs every day and sometimes this results in them getting really really hurt. How dare he try and minimise the fact he deliberately put your child at increased risk of falling and potentially getting badly hurt. He’s a twat and needs telling so.

Rachie1973 · 27/04/2021 23:08

Lol I think all of mine have bounced down the stairs at some point.

Accidents happen.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 27/04/2021 23:21

If it's preventable by taking proper precautions I don't think it's an accident.

Shrivelled · 27/04/2021 23:49

An accident on the stairs would be if you’re going up and down the stairs together and one of you trips and falls. It’s not an accident that he overtook his 13 month old on the stairs to go and do something else while she remained out of sight. I’d be really pissed off at this as well.

Synthesiser · 28/04/2021 00:08

We all make mistakes but going by I always worry when he is in charge of the baby and I hate it I think there is more to it. It sounds like you know the baby isn't safe left alone with him which puts a big burden on you.

Cushionsnotpillows · 28/04/2021 00:12

It wasn't an "accident" - it would have been an accident if she fell and he was behind her and couldn't grab her in time or she face planted and he was there to pick her up and kiss it better.

He CHOSE to go past up the stairs to another room and leave a 13 month old, very newly walking, baby on the stairs alone and unsupervised. He CHOSE to leave a baby where it was extremely likely she would fall.

He's either an idiot or just doesn't care. Neither is a "good dad". I'd be blaming him too for being such a dick.

All the "LoL kids bounce" brigade, seriously ask yourselves, would you leave a 13 month old climbing stairs alone? Really?

GrumpyHoonMain · 28/04/2021 00:16

Why are either of you encouraging a newly walking 13 month old on the stairs? I gave DS a time out every time he so much as touched the stairs at a similar age; and only let him go up when he was more confident with his balance. It did work and now he waits for us before going up (or down).

TheSandman · 28/04/2021 00:19

A moments inattention. He's probably feeling utterly shit about it too.

I once put my baby in the forward-facing car seat in the rear of the car and somehow - I don't know how - forgot to put her belt on. I started to drive off. I was out on the main road before I looked back at her and realised she was sitting there unplugged. Luckily the road was not busy and I let the car coast to slow it down. I knew that if I put on the brakes she would have been hurt. (That's why the seat belts are there!) I was down to five miles an hour before I gently put on the brakes - and she fell forward out of the seat carried by her own inertia. She was surprised, but totally unhurt.

I NEVER did that again.

fairydustandpixies · 28/04/2021 00:28

Accidents do happen. I fell down the stairs twice whilst heavily pregnant, DC launched himself down a flight riding a beanbag (beanbag got left behind after first couple) and my elderly dad also flew down the stairs whilst burning the soles of his slippers trying to slow his fall (and scorching the wallpaper on his way down). We're still all here and just as stupid.

Ninkanink · 28/04/2021 00:31

It was not an accident. It was him being absolutely 100% negligent. He made a choice to walk past her and leave her on the stairs, after telling OP that he would look out for her.

That really is unacceptably stupid behaviour.

I’d be really angry too.

AngstyMom · 28/04/2021 00:38

@GrumpyHoonMain

You put a 13 month old in time out? Bizarre.

YANBU, OP. There are errors in judgement and then there's being an utterly incompetent buffoon and this comes into the latter category. Is he so addicted to his phone that the implications of having charge of DD hasn't registered because he was absorbed in it?

Ariannah · 28/04/2021 00:45

Mine fell down concrete steps at that age. It was my fault - we were in an unfamiliar park and I was letting him run on the grass, I didn’t realise there were steps just out of sight behind a bush. When I saw them I started running to grab him but I didn’t get there in time. Parents make mistakes, you think it’ll be fine... until it’s not. Yes he misjudged but there’s no harm done and he won’t do it again.

MindyStClaire · 28/04/2021 00:48

YANBU OP, that's not an accident, that's carelessness. And I say that as someone who only put a stair gate up when DD was nearly 3 as she'd moved from her cot to a bed and we put it up in case she went wandering during the night without us realising. You just don't leave a 13 month old unattended on the stairs, that's pretty basic.

MindyStClaire · 28/04/2021 00:50

@GrumpyHoonMain

That's just weird. DD could go up and down the stairs before she could walk, which I thought was pretty normal. We just taught her to do it safely and, obviously, supervised her.

EmeraldShamrock · 28/04/2021 00:54

He needs to take on board a valuable lesson keep your eyes on the prize.
I'm sure like any parent he's shocked.
I hope you're okay, stair gates are great buy screw in ones.
I still have mine at the top stairs.

Sunflowers095 · 28/04/2021 01:19

[quote 00100001]@AlmostSummer21. Well, people make mistakes.

Good job you're a perfect parent... You never once dropped the ball... Never made a mistake...no child ever got hurt in your watch...[/quote]
It wasn't an accident though.

He had a clear choice to supervise a child who needs supervision on the stairs or not. He chose to be neglectful.

And OP said he tends to be neglectful. It's not a mistake if you don't learn from it, it's just your behaviour.

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