Me or my husband? I need a reality check

[mammaohohohoh]

Sorry if this is long but I will give a bit of background first...

So I'm British but don't live in the UK, I live in my husband's country and I don't yet speak the language (once the kids are older I plan to work harder at learning it).

My DH and I have 2 DC - DS 2 years old and DS 3 months. Due to lockdown I have had no help or support from my friends or family from the UK since my son was born in January. My husband's family here are not supportive and I can't communicate with them anyway. My husband has a strange job where he works crazy hours...leaving the house at 5 or 6 in the morning is normal and getting home at 7, 8 or 9 at night. He has also been working weekends and doing paperwork after the boys are asleep. Last month there were 14 days in a row that I was completely by myself. He had no time off work since DS2 was born, i was in the hospital for 3 days and after that I was on my own with the two boys. DS1 was attending nursery 3 mornings a week but then they closed the nurseries. Breastfeeding my newborn was a struggle/impossible, as a result of this and trying to establish bf whilst looking after a very active 2 year old I moved to formula. We have since had a severe lip tie diagnosed but are struggling to get somewhere to fix it as in this country their policy is to keep children in hospital for at least 3 days after a general anaesthetic, even though in the UK he would be gone in about an hour after the procedure. We both don't want this so may leave his lip tie as it is.

So I have struggled and really been at breaking point many times over the last 3 months. DH knows this.

Things are starting to get better now as my 3 month old is getting easier, we have a routine and he is sleeping well at night, so I'm definitely more positive despite missing my family and friends. But like many SAHM's I do count the minutes until my DH is home to give me a hand, or to just hold the baby whilst I feed my DS1 or to help with bedtimes.

So last night my DH said he would be gone at 6 (this is very early for him!), so I was excited as I would get help earlier. At 6.30 I called him and he said he would be another 20 minutes as he stopped at the gardening shop on the way home to get 'essentials' (essential for him anyway). This happens a lot...I never really know what time to expect him home...we share location settings on our phones so this gives me a more accurate measure of when he will be home than what he tells me.

Then he announces on the phone that tomorrow he would like to cycle to work and back. This would be an 80km round trip? So rather than a 40/50 minute commute there and back, it would be an hour and 50 minute trip there snd back. I showed my issue with this by questioning him on timings etc and he got angry saying fine I just won't do it as my wife won't let me. He says he needs to be fit to do his job (he used to have to be, not anymore as he is at management level), and he needs it for his headspace. I said I understood, I would love to have the luxury of headspace but I don't get the chance. He said I should be working out in the evening when the boys are asleep and maybe if I did this with him then that would help...but I'm exhausted. I don't want to exercise in the evening when my days are so crazy and my pelvic floor muscles are fucked and my stomach muscles are all over the place from pregnancy. But he thinks I'm not trying hard enough and I should push myself.

If I was away at work from my kids as much as he is I would be rushing home to spend as much time with them before bed, I wouldn't be cycling home to then only see them for 20 minutes before they go to sleep. So I just don't understand his priorities.

He is a wonderful father but am I being unreasonable for objecting to him cycling like this twice a week? Am I unreasonable to need him more because life for me is so lonely either lockdown and being in a country that isn't my own? I don't want to be the nagging wife who tells him what to do, I want him to cherish family time so much that he wouldn't want to go an a cycle that would take him away from us for that extra time in the morning and evening. He is acting like I am the irrational one...am I?

Sorry this is so long....I didn't mean to write so much...

[mammaohohohoh]

Apologies for all the typos 🙈

[HollowTalk]

Oh don't ask me because I think in your position I would come home with the children. I couldn't see any point in living in a country where I didn't speak the language and hardly saw my husband.

Just btw though - he's not a great dad. If he was, he'd be more concerned about their mum.

[giletrouge]

He's a wonderful father who never sees his children? That sounds like an easy gig.
I'd be leaving ASAP. Sounds horrendous.

[An0n0n0n]

He's not a wonderful father, he's never there.

Hes selfish, selfish person and you know you and the kids desreve better.

[Spaghettio]

@HollowTalk

Oh don't ask me because I think in your position I would come home with the children. I couldn't see any point in living in a country where I didn't speak the language and hardly saw my husband.

Just btw though - he's not a great dad. If he was, he'd be more concerned about their mum.

I agree with this. What benefit do you and the children have being alone in a country where you don't speak the language?

At least if you came home you'd have someone to talk to.

[Seeline]

I agree - I would be doing everything possible to be getting back to the UK!

He is not a great Dad - if he is out at 5 and not back until 9 he can hardly be seeing the children at all. Anyone can be a great Dad for half an hour every few days.

But in answer to your question, no YANBU. Your DH should be doing much more to support you.

[ForwardRanger]

I am struggling to understand why you ate there. You have no friends and never see your husband so basically you are a single parent with no support network.

And you don't have to explain why you don't want to workout in the evenings!

Congratulations on making it this far without losing the plot, it sounds very difficult.

[44PumpLane]

I'd be looking to come back to the UK with the kids.... Its not like they spend any quality time with their Dad at the minute is it!

[mammaohohohoh]

But he has to work to support us? His job is very niche and his field isn't flexible at all for a personal life. He wasn't able to work for a lot of last year because of the pandemic so when work started up again he had to take it. He wouldn't be able to work at the same level in the Uk and not at all in the part of the UK I am from.

I'm not trying to make excuses for him but surely he has to take the work when he can? The hours he works aren't really negotiable...

[ConfusedAdultFemale]

How is he a wonderful father when he never sees his children?

[mammaohohohoh]

When he is here, he is with the kids 100% and even does the odd night a week with the baby now we are bottle feeding.

He plays so well with our toddler and my toddler loves and looks up to him so much..he wants his daddy all the time when he is home..

On this new project (he started it two weeks ago, straight after the last one), he gets weekends off and should be home no later than 8pm hopefully...

[MrsTophamHat]

Agree with everyone so far. It sounds horrendous and you barely see him as it is.

He's not a great husband or dather if he does not understand what youre putting up with. When i had a newborn and a toddler last year in Lockdown 1, my DH knew he was the lucky one getting to go out to work every day and a change of scene.

[ConfusedAdultFemale]

If his job isn’t flexible for family life he needs to look for a new job. He has a family.

[MrsTophamHat]

@mammaohohohoh

When he is here, he is with the kids 100% and even does the odd night a week with the baby now we are bottle feeding.

He plays so well with our toddler and my toddler loves and looks up to him so much..he wants his daddy all the time when he is home..

On this new project (he started it two weeks ago, straight after the last one), he gets weekends off and should be home no later than 8pm hopefully...

This is a bit Disney Dad though. A good husband and father does the grind with you. They don't just turn it on and play a role when it it convenient. Is there any reason that you cannot move home to your family?

[Szulik]

Would you consider yourself a wonderful mother if you behaved as he did? I would say he is lacking seriously in the empathy department and could do with being a bit more considerate of you and your children

[idontlikealdi]

Either you have to suck up that this is what his job is, or you move back. Presumably he is well compensated for it so hire in help.

[Ellpellwood]

Of course one of you needs to work, but you appear to have sleepwalked into this. Did you not suspect that having children with someone in a completely inflexible field and moving to his country with no family support or language knowledge would be lonely?

I don't think him getting home an hour earlier is going to solve any of this. At all. How far are you from the UK?

[Holothane]

Get home and stay here it will only get worse.

[mammaohohohoh]

And I did have friends here (I made them through baby groups with my DS1), but because of lockdown most of my friends have moved to their home countries (all ex-pats like me)...so I have one friend who is still here but she is just pregnant with her second child so is tired all the time (of course!).

My DH told me to make more effort with a woman who lives on our street who has very broken English, she seems lovely, but I don't know her and to try to forge a friendship when are communication is so stilted and I am tired and trying to juggle the two boys at the same time would be more tiring than just staying home on my own.

I feel like I am always making excuses to his solutions...but often what theoretically seems helpful, is actually more work...

[SissySpacekAteMyHamster]

If this were me (and I've done the expat life), I would move me and the kids back to the UK, and arrange for DH to come back to UK every few weeks/weekends (depending where you are).

It's not ideal, but at least when he was home, you would have all of him for a couple of days, and you'd have friends and family to support you.

We can all be fantastic parents if we never have to actually parent!

[Proudboomer]

The op is in a different country. We don’t know if her husband is working so many hours as they need the money to pay the rent, bills an food or if he is hiding from family work.
There is also a good chance the op can’t just up and leave with the children.
You need to have a talk and if the budget allows maybe get some sort of help in to give you a break.

[DinosaurDiana]

There’s no reason as to why you couldn’t learn the language now.
I agree with pp that you need to put up with your situation or move back.

[osbertthesyrianhamster]

Every person who comments, 'Just came back to the UK' or 'I'd move back to the UK with the kids' needs to ask first, can the OP even do this? A lot of places, if one parent says the other cannot leave the country with the kids, then they can't.

[reader12]

You’re definitely not being unreasonable, he is. He has a 3 month old, a toddler and a wife who is completely isolated so he needs to put his needs aside for now, just as you have, and be as present and as supportive of his wife and family as he possibly can. And he definitely needs to not berate you for not exercising! That’s rude and makes him look completely oblivious of the reality of your life.

[mammaohohohoh]

@Ellpellwood

Of course one of you needs to work, but you appear to have sleepwalked into this. Did you not suspect that having children with someone in a completely inflexible field and moving to his country with no family support or language knowledge would be lonely?

I don't think him getting home an hour earlier is going to solve any of this. At all. How far are you from the UK?

I did, of course! But before the pandemic my mum would come out here all the time, I would fly home a few times a year, I had friends here who I saw out and about all the time. I can't do any of that now.

Rather than having a nanny (which I don't think I'm comfortable with), I settled my DS1 in nursery back in October to be ready for the new baby, but they closed the nurseries just after my DS2 was born.