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Original poster

To be annoyed rather than sympathetic about OH's injury?

153 replies

HST58 · 25/04/2021 19:07

OH is 35 and has played football every weekend for years. We have two young children and I'm pregnant with a third.

The older he's got the more often he's coming home with injuries that render him unable to do much - which then means everything childcare and house related is left to me. I already do the lions share of everything as it is.

He has broken his arm before, fractured his wrist, had nasty sprains and various other injuries that mean he's laid up, unable to do much at home or not able to participate in other things that need doing. He's had time off work because his injuries mean he can't walk well or lift things.

I will admit there is some underlying resentment on my part as far as the football goes because he's out of the home all day after barely being present as it is because he works nights. This may be clouding my judgement.

Today he came back from football with a foot injury which he thinks might be broken, he can't walk properly on it and plans to go to A&E.

I'm struggling to find any sympathy and instead I'm silently pissed off because this means even more grunt work for me despite him having two nights off work now.

The nursery run will now be down to me (which is the one thing he does always do, to his credit)

The weekly shop

The housework

Running around after the kids.

Honestly, am I being awful?

OP posts:
Original poster
HST58 · 25/04/2021 22:27

Just tried to discuss it civilly and get him to see my POV before I go to bed with a bad atmosphere, pointless.

He said he doesn't know why I'm going on about it because he already said he's quitting. I said quitting in resentment of me and realising it no longer works for your family are two different things.

It quickly descended into him shutting me down and saying I don't "get it"

(I don't believe for a second he has any intention to quit btw)

I said he wants to hope he doesn't end up living on his own soon because I'll be reclaiming Sunday's for myself for the first time in years so he'll be in for a shock.

He doesn't want to take up running, cycling, coaching, the gym, tennis, or anything else active because it isn't the football he knows and loves. He isn't receptive to any of my suggestions whatsoever.

OP posts:
1122bucklemyshoe · 25/04/2021 22:28

He sounds very very selfish.

My husband used to play football. From being a toddler up until early 30s he had always been in a team and played every week in matches and training.

The older he got he started getting injuries, then more frequently, then he broke his leg and he decided enough was enough. When he was hurt it was impacting on family time, doing his share with the kids, work, everything.

He made the decision to stop and never looked back.

Original poster
HST58 · 25/04/2021 22:30

How long have you spent choosing to be "silently pissed off" instead of communicating with him before you finally exploded and vented it all at him today?

This isn't the first time it has come up.

I've told him how I feel on multiple occasions but I always back down because it's his passion and means so much to him. I could tolerate it, regardless of having to sacrifice every Sunday for the last umpteen years, when he wasn't regularly coming home with broken bones and other injuries that render him incapacitated and or unable to work.

OP posts:
spongedog · 25/04/2021 22:32

@HST58

He has plans this Thursday, I've just rediscovered my love for walking and it'll take me out of the house all morning into the afternoon meqning he'll be struck in with the kids. See how he likes it.
Please come back and post about your walk. I cant wait to hear about the scenery, who you walked with, how long you walked for and any other details of interest.

Of course I am placing an obligation on you to go for that walk - no matter what else is going on - so that you don't disappoint an elderly lady Wink

Original poster
HST58 · 25/04/2021 22:35

That made me smile spongedog, I shan't disappoint Smile

OP posts:
Ohnomoreno · 25/04/2021 22:38

Depends a bit whether you work. I guess I have a slightly different view of the way the work gets divvied up if you don't. I do all the housework, paperwork, school runs or activities, washing, cooking, planning. He basically is either on his mountain bike or at his desk, but difference is weekends are all family time only. The injuries are more of a problem for his health. We've benefitted from him pushing me to do my hobby again now that #3 is older. Haven't actually started yet but happy about the idea.

Original poster
HST58 · 25/04/2021 22:47

I have always worked throughout the course of our relationship, going from full time to part time after our second child was born.

OP posts:
Lettuceforlunch · 25/04/2021 22:49

Broken foot or not, thankfully he can hire an automatic car and still do the nursery run, OP Grin

bedtimeshoes · 25/04/2021 22:57

I do the weekly shop, the housework and run around after the kids by myself anyway. Plus I work 5 days a week.
Yes I would annoyed too.
I get annoyed when DH hurts his back by playing silly buggers with the kids and then has to lay on the sofa for several hours.

timeisnotaline · 25/04/2021 23:03

@Ohnomoreno

Depends a bit whether you work. I guess I have a slightly different view of the way the work gets divvied up if you don't. I do all the housework, paperwork, school runs or activities, washing, cooking, planning. He basically is either on his mountain bike or at his desk, but difference is weekends are all family time only. The injuries are more of a problem for his health. We've benefitted from him pushing me to do my hobby again now that #3 is older. Haven't actually started yet but happy about the idea.
Why does it depend on whether she works? Your weekends are family time and you dotn work, his is largely football and moaning while he lies on the sofa recovering and the op parents and gets stuff done. Sometimes the recovery takes weeks. It doesn’t sound like you would accept that either! She does work, but if she didn’t, the prospect of missing income regularly while he was off work injured from football would be even more stressful.
Original poster
HST58 · 25/04/2021 23:03

We don't have a car at the moment so the nursery run is done on foot, a taxi is an option if he wants to do that but he'll be paying for it himself out of his spends.

He's adamant that he's going to limp to the nursery (1.3 miles away) in the morning Confused

No chance of that happening if he really has bust his foot is there.

OP posts:
Original poster
HST58 · 25/04/2021 23:08

He's in full on martyr mode tonight and took a quilt onto the sofa in a huff.

On his nights off once me and the kids have all come to bed he always spends a few hours on the xbox playing with a friend. He isn't doing that tonight, for the first time in years, I assume in some sort of protest.

It screams to me "if you don't want me having hobbies then I just won't have any!"

I couldn't care less about the gaming btw, that doesn't infringe on mine and the childrens routines or get in the way.

It used to, but that's another story.

OP posts:
Nith · 25/04/2021 23:22

What does he do work wise? Does he really have to take all this time off every time he has an injury?

RandomMess · 25/04/2021 23:24

Complete martyr.

Man child.

Tell him he won't need the snip anymore as his behaviour this evening as just erased all sexual attraction toward him!

DeRigueurMortis · 25/04/2021 23:46

He's in full on martyr mode tonight and took a quilt onto the sofa in a huff.

Ah I see he's decided to utilise the shroud of sadness tactic.

He'll probably graduate to the Dressing Gown of Depression tomorrow morning.

hopeso · 26/04/2021 00:22

"The nursery run will now be down to me (which is the one thing he does always do, to his credit)"

Why is to his credit? They are his children, too. And why do men get such a blind spot over football!! You are definitely not being unreasonable. Most footballers retire before 35 for a reason!

CharityDingle · 26/04/2021 00:26

Let him limp off with the kids tomorrow.
He sounds like a very spoilt child.

timeisnotaline · 26/04/2021 00:32

Make sure he does do the nursery run.Don’t say anything about ‘can’t be broken then’. If you absolutely must, quirk an eyebrow. And if he wants to choose to give up all hobbies you act unconcerned but surprised he’s making this choice for himself.

Agree there’s no credit given for doing a small amount of parenting when you’re a parent. Credit is for pulling your weight.

1sweatybetty · 26/04/2021 01:40

OP, I had exactly this problem. Here are the things that have resolved the issue to a significant degree:

  • I didn't tell him he had to quit. This is because I'm not his manager and I knew he would resent me if I tried to 'ban' him.
  • I told him I understood he wanted to keep playing, and that I understood the benefits of sport for him.
  • I also said I needed him to make sure he did his share regardless and that I wouldn't be increasing my workload at home to compensate for his injuries, and he would need to work out how he would continue to contribute if he was injured.
  • I told him I would not be caring for him in future if he had sporting injuries. No tea and toast, no sympathy.
  • I encouraged him to take up sports specific training. This made a huge difference as it reduced his injury rate and severity.
  • I took up my own hobby and just left the house for half a day every weekend. He would say things like 'Well what about the kids?' and 'Who's cooking dinner?' And my standard response, spoken at least 3 times a day early on, was "I'll leave that with you". This gave him some perspective after 6 months or so.
GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 26/04/2021 03:49

He should not need to be told (or even asked) to quit.

He is a 35-year-old man with 2 young children and a pregnant wife. Why should OP treat him like a child?

ineedaholidaynow · 26/04/2021 08:33

How is he this morning?

Original poster
HST58 · 26/04/2021 08:55

He hasn't taken DS to nursery, he text them saying he's injured his foot and has to have it checked so DS won't be in. I expected nothing less.

OP posts:
SaturdayRocks · 26/04/2021 08:58

Wow. He really is a sub-par specimen of manhood.

Sorry HST58.

AuthorsOfForever · 26/04/2021 09:02

Reading the title I knew it was going to be football related. My Dp is a similar age. Always has played football. He's now a manager so doesn't play much. But the idiot broke his foot when I was heavily pregnant. I was not very sympathetic at all. It's definitely his age though. Because I know from what Dp says, the older you are, the more injury prone and the longer recovery takes. If it's happening often, he really should probably stop playing. One of his mates broke his foot last year. Took weeks and weeks to heal. Was off work for 8 weeks.

My point being I understand your lack of sympathy. The only good thing about covid is that football hasn't been on!

CaptainAwkward · 26/04/2021 09:07

Useless fucker. You know that you’re worth more than this @HST58