To be annoyed rather than sympathetic about OH's injury?

[HST58]

OH is 35 and has played football every weekend for years. We have two young children and I'm pregnant with a third.

The older he's got the more often he's coming home with injuries that render him unable to do much - which then means everything childcare and house related is left to me. I already do the lions share of everything as it is.

He has broken his arm before, fractured his wrist, had nasty sprains and various other injuries that mean he's laid up, unable to do much at home or not able to participate in other things that need doing. He's had time off work because his injuries mean he can't walk well or lift things.

I will admit there is some underlying resentment on my part as far as the football goes because he's out of the home all day after barely being present as it is because he works nights. This may be clouding my judgement.

Today he came back from football with a foot injury which he thinks might be broken, he can't walk properly on it and plans to go to A&E.

I'm struggling to find any sympathy and instead I'm silently pissed off because this means even more grunt work for me despite him having two nights off work now.

The nursery run will now be down to me (which is the one thing he does always do, to his credit)

The weekly shop

The housework

Running around after the kids.

Honestly, am I being awful?

My brother is 35 and stopped for this reason.

He helps out coaching DNephews football team now instead.

Your husband doesn't have to sit in the house being a "boring dad" he just has to find a way to get involved in what he loves in a way that doesn't leave him injured.

I've suggested he joins and veterans team or take up coaching kids which he did do before I met him. He doesn't want to do either and says joining the vets won't take away the risk of injury.

He's saying he will quit but it's clear he's going to resent me for it.

These men never want to fucking grow up

He has plans this Thursday, I've just rediscovered my love for walking and it'll take me out of the house all morning into the afternoon meqning he'll be struck in with the kids. See how he likes it.

@danishkids it's not jealousy on the OP's part. How is it fair for her to have to do everything with the kids and around the house, because hubby has injured himself (yet again)? There are plenty of ways to keep fit without injuring yourself and thereby rendering yourself useless for weeks on end - not to mention the financial impact taking time off work will have on the entire family! It's pure selfishness on his part and he's foolish to continue with a sport he's not able to practice safely.

OP, YANBU. You shouldn't have to pick up the slack because he's being cavalier with his safety.

@HST58

He's pissed off at me now because apparently I want him to give up everything he loves and be a boring dad who just sits in the house, he doesn't see my POV whatsoever.

Seriously??

But you have to be ‘boring Mum who just sits around the house’ because he’s completely opted out, and left it all to you!

And do not let this be all about his resentment. What about your seething resentment towards him? It’s just as, if not much more, valid.

Well if he is not prepared to compromise, tough luck.

He has no reason to resent you.

When I had an 8YO and a 2YO I decided to help out a friend by teaching her ex-race horse to jump. This was after quite a few years out of the saddle.

I fell off a couple of weeks later and, on the way down, all I could think was "Shit! Who will look after the children if I get properly hurt?"

Surely this is the sort of thing fathers think too?

My DH was recently asked to play in a big one off footie match. He’s mid 30’s, out of shape and hasn’t played in years.

I’m 32 weeks pregnant with SPD and a 13 month old he got a very clear

‘If you injure yourself or throw out your bad back/knee there will be NO sympathy or rest for you. If you are not physically in hospital you will be expected to carry on as normal with toddler. I was pregnant first, I have the monopoly on needing rest and help right now. I don’t care if you’re in a cast and on crutches you’re still going to have to drive/cook/clean because I WONT!’

He declined the game and totally understood my point. In fairness I do pretty much everything when I’m not pregnant and quite happily so it’s not like there’s much time DH has to be on it!

OP, in your position I would be asking him how he plans to deal with his share of the childcare and housework, as it's not your job to do it if his hobby leaves him incapacitated.

@danishkids Your post has to be the most unhelpful one on this thread.

A vets team might not be much better tbh, my DH stopped a good few years ago because of injuries and time off work. It’s a young mans (or woman’s) game I’m afraid!

@danishkids

I Think that it is great he has a hobby that will keep him fit! There is not enough focus on a healthy lifestyle. I would look into other ways where you can get alone time, instead of being jealous about his.

Marriage should be fun for both parties you and him.

Peoples mental health is deteriorating so much! They need friend sand hobbies.

Maybe sit down and have a serious chat and see how you can both be happy

The point is he's not "keeping fit" he is constantly injured.

Some people get to the point where their body can't hack it on the pitch anymore.

It doesn't mean the end of his hobby. He just has to find a new way to enjoy it.

I actually think YABU, this will be his time to socialise. My DH is a similar age and plays football once a week at a rather inconvenient time if I’m honest but it’s the only time which works for him and all of his friends. You should be able to both have time to yourself to pursue a hobby. If you don’t have also have regular time to yourself then you need to pursue a hobby or do something which will allow you some you time on a regular basis.

YANBU, this would drive me bonkers. Is he now planning how to continue doing his fair share financially and with the DC, or just sulking and expecting you to pick up the strain. That's the difference between being a responsible adult and a bit of a twat.

This reminds me of when my 4th child was just 3 days old and DH went out on his bicycle. He came off and had road rash on both hands, elbow and his back. I didn’t know if I wanted to hug him or murder him when I saw him... he wasn’t much use with a newborn and 3 other small children!

Boring dads are the real men. They pull their weight at home, taking care of their kids, making sure their pregnant wives get the rest they need. You should both be getting equal amounts of leisure time and right now you need additional rest time. That doesn’t mean he can’t have hobbies, but he needs to find balance.

If he had balance, you likely wouldn’t feel resentful if he got hurt because it wouldn’t be tipping the already uneven scales even further towards you, it would just be a normal partnership where we help one another in times of need.

I cannot imagine that he is injured all the time. Maybe ask him to change from nights to day shifts so he can help out more during the day.

Football doesn’t have to take all day, maybe you can compromise and he is only gone 3-4 hours. And that he doesn’t play matches too far away.

I think sometimes the problem is that woman don’t have as many hobbies so they get annoyed that their husbands do.

Marriage is about give and take! I want my husband to do
What he loves. But in return he also gives me space to go after my dreams.

I have small kids too so I know sometimes life can be busy. But life is to be enjoyed too!

If I were you I would
Try to find a compromise!

I’m torn here. I do totally agree that opting out of family responsibility is not on.
But - sport is good, kids seeing their parents go sport is good. Too many people give up all sport in their 30s and I don’t think that’s good.
Dh and I both do sports but we both also fulfil our childcare responsibilities in a fair way. We both think it’s important that kids see mums doing sport too not just dads. And we do not take excessive risks, we are definitely more restrained than pre-kids.

That'd put me right off him OP. When he made the choice to be a father he should have made the choice that weekends are mostly family time, not time to play football with your friends. You're on baby three and he still wants to be acting like a teenage boy when he obviously isn't up to it anymore, real footballers who earn money from it have to stop some time, what's he going to do if he gets a really bad injury that lays him up for months....? Playing a game sometimes with his friends might be ok if he just likes it but every weekend for hours with a wife and three young children at home, hobbling in because he thinks he's a young premier league player and doesnt know when to slow down, isn't ok, how would he like it if you went off every weekend for hours to ice skate or something with your friends because it was fun when you were fourteen, and then came home with a broken foot and he had to do everything for weeks....?

She did try to find a compromise.

He's pissed off at me now because apparently I want him to give up everything he loves and be a boring dad who just sits in the house
Urm hello?! Welcome to parenting. That’s the deal for the first 10 years minimum.

@HST58

I've suggested he joins and veterans team or take up coaching kids which he did do before I met him. He doesn't want to do either and says joining the vets won't take away the risk of injury.

He's saying he will quit but it's clear he's going to resent me for it.

He'd rather blame and resent you than admit to himself that he's no longer able to play safely at that level - which is why he won't consider a Vet's team or "choosing" to call it a day himself.

The fact is he became "another boring dad" the day your first child was born.

Shame on him that he thinks spending time with his family at a weekend and pulling his weight by not being injured all the time is something "aspirational".

He behaving like a toddler...

@EasterEggBelly

He's pissed off at me now because apparently I want him to give up everything he loves and be a boring dad who just sits in the house Urm hello?! Welcome to parenting. That’s the deal for the first 10 years minimum.

This.

Are people not reading the part about the husband being injured and therefore unable to pull his weight at home? Pretty sure there are plenty of sports he could do which don't involve him spending days or even weeks recovering from his injuries. I can guarantee that if the OP was going out and getting injured all the time, husband wouldn't be happy about doing everything around the house and with the kids.

I do have my own likes and interests but have had to scale back to prioritise the children after having them which I think all people do don't they? Plus, if any hobby of mine resulted in broken bones and regular injuries I just wouldn't be doing them.

He went on about how football was his dream as a kid and he had to give up that dream of becoming professional after a nasty injury sustained playing in his late teens.

That's unfortunate and I did sympathise with him but that dream has long sailed and he chose to have children who obviously then need to come first.

I did suggest he joined the vets but he doesn't want to, citing the fact he doesn't know any teams or players in them.

He appears terrified of change.

Regarding working nights I've addressed that too. His reason for not wanting to change to days is because he'll get less money. There's no convincing him.

I've made alot of sacrifices since having children, financially aswell as my freedom. He has made none.

He's sat with his feet up now after saying he was going to go to A&E, god knows what time he plans on doing that.