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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed rather than sympathetic about OH's injury?

153 replies

HST58 · 25/04/2021 19:07

OH is 35 and has played football every weekend for years. We have two young children and I'm pregnant with a third.

The older he's got the more often he's coming home with injuries that render him unable to do much - which then means everything childcare and house related is left to me. I already do the lions share of everything as it is.

He has broken his arm before, fractured his wrist, had nasty sprains and various other injuries that mean he's laid up, unable to do much at home or not able to participate in other things that need doing. He's had time off work because his injuries mean he can't walk well or lift things.

I will admit there is some underlying resentment on my part as far as the football goes because he's out of the home all day after barely being present as it is because he works nights. This may be clouding my judgement.

Today he came back from football with a foot injury which he thinks might be broken, he can't walk properly on it and plans to go to A&E.

I'm struggling to find any sympathy and instead I'm silently pissed off because this means even more grunt work for me despite him having two nights off work now.

The nursery run will now be down to me (which is the one thing he does always do, to his credit)

The weekly shop

The housework

Running around after the kids.

Honestly, am I being awful?

OP posts:
BlueBlazerBlack · 25/04/2021 21:07

Sorry OP, but sounds like you do in fact have 4 children to look after :(

Biancadelrioisback · 25/04/2021 21:08

I think that packing in football will be a much bigger deal to him than you'd think (royal 'you').
I know many people who've played a certain sport for years and see stopping as an admission of being old, which is always a bitter pill to swallow.

It's hard to accept that you're not as young as you once were. That doesn't mean he shouldn't accept it, but just that it's not as easy as "oh just stop already!"

Perhaps he's listen if his mates were in the same boat, or if a medical practitioner or football coach said that it might be time...

It's shit that he's putting you in this position though

thiswaythat · 25/04/2021 21:09

He went on about how football was his dream as a kid and he had to give up that dream of becoming professional after a nasty injury sustained playing in his late teens.

Lmao. The amount of times I've heard this.... Grin they're all so delusional!

Original poster
HST58 · 25/04/2021 21:10

He's not going to A&E now he's going to see how it is tomorrow apparently.

I must admit I do suspect he was over egging it and is now back tracking because he didn't get the sympathy he was hoping for.

He has been shuffling around the house so not totally incapacitated.

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 25/04/2021 21:11

@HST58 I think you've posted before about his utter selfishness with his hobbies,correct? I think he's been a totally selfish jackass for the greater part of your relationship,despite the children, forcing you to do everything? Why on earth would you live this way? Don't you think you deserve better?

ScabbyHorse · 25/04/2021 21:13

My DP gets injured at football often too. I think it's a midlife crisis thing. Make sure he does all the food planning and online shopping/putting away and cooking til he's better (and beyond).

Original poster
HST58 · 25/04/2021 21:14

[quote EKGEMS]@HST58 I think you've posted before about his utter selfishness with his hobbies,correct? I think he's been a totally selfish jackass for the greater part of your relationship,despite the children, forcing you to do everything? Why on earth would you live this way? Don't you think you deserve better? [/quote]
I have indeed, before covid.

I do believe I deserve better yes, on days like this I most certainly feel that way.

I often lose sight of that though. Low confidence on my part I think.

OP posts:
CeibaTree · 25/04/2021 21:15

He sounds really insufferable, but I have to ask was your current pregnancy planned? It seems madness to bring another child into the mix if you are already resentful of how little your DH does (but if this was an unplanned pregnancy please ignore this comment!)

Wishihadanalgorithm · 25/04/2021 21:16

I am sick of shitty entitled behaviour from men who think they can live their lives as they want without consideration for their families. Jeez, if they want to live a single life then stay single.

OP, in your position I would be giving your DH no sympathy and tell him not to moan as this injury was easily avoided. I would also be expecting him to pull his weight, limp or not.

Original poster
HST58 · 25/04/2021 21:22

This pregnancy was a contraception failure, before it happened I had decided I didn't want any more children and he was going to have a vasectomy.

I did have a consultation to terminate but couldn't go through with it, I couldn't have lived with myself (no distain whatsoever towards women who terminate, I'm explicitly pro choice)

OP posts:
VegCheeseandCrackers · 25/04/2021 21:22

Some PPs are missing OP's point. She's not disregarding his mental health or saying he can't have his hobbie. She's saying she's sick of him being constantly injured (and I would suspect he's over dramatising it if he's OK to sit on the sofa watching TV and doesn't need to get checked out by a doctor), leaving her to have to do everything around the house for weeks on end. It's fine to have a hobbie and nobody is saying he shouldn't have this but a grown man laying around for days on end due to injuries from football is totally selfish and unfair on OP.

harknesswitch · 25/04/2021 21:23

So he doesn't want to sit and home and be a boring Dad? But he's quite happy for you to sit at home whilst he does his hobbies (or has injuries) and be a boring mum?

AvaCallanach · 25/04/2021 21:25

My DH gave up his Sunday football around the same age when he ruptured his cruciate ligament. Football is terrible for injuries in occasional players as they stop, start, twist etc. Cycling or running are much more predictable and that is what DH switched to. Luckily we now have the dog and a swift 5k walk seems to keep him happy these days.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 25/04/2021 21:46

No. It would infuriate me. I worked with a bloke once who used to end up in A&E practically every other month with some kind of sodding skateboarding injury that necessitated the finding of cover. He was nearly thirty as well, the tedious little prick.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 25/04/2021 21:46

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
HST58 · 25/04/2021 21:54

He wouldn't bother reading the thread if I sent it to him, he doesn't like mumsnet he thinks the majority of us hate our husbands. Lol. I have relayed a few replies though.

He said earlier on that it's not a nice feeling having to come to terms with the fact he's not young and all that fit anymore, so a part of him does realise he's not up to it. It's a shame he's choosing to project that onto me and making me the problem for pointing it out though.

He has just made me a cup of tea and shuffled around on the hunt for dummies, DS hides them.

I don't think it's broken at all. I think he fancied a bit of sympathy and an easy afternoon and it backfired.

If it was broken, like his arm was last time, he'd be at A&E no matter what.

OP posts:
SaturdayRocks · 25/04/2021 21:54

No, don’t ‘show him this thread’, unless you want him to her massively defensive, and dig his heels in even more.

weltenbummler · 25/04/2021 21:58

Right so he is shuffling around in his slippers of doom getting himself comfortable tonight with his feet up tonight while kids are in bed but reserving the right to go to A&E tomorrow when you could do with a grown up pulling his weight??
Rather convenient for him to blame you for making him give up football rather than fessing up to himself that he is no longer 17! Well done for having plans for Thursday and please don't let him trying to make you feel guilty cloud your enjoyment of your hobby

Truthlikeness · 25/04/2021 22:00

There's always walking football Grin

I played competitive (female) football until my mid-forties, but I was very much an outlier. I've come out of retirement for the third time to play during lockdown (when allowed), but it's pretty low key and I do it mostly for the social aspect. I've had plenty of injuries over the years (broken bones, torn ligament etc) but I don't have kids or a partner and I would not prioritise playing over my family.

SarahAndQuack · 25/04/2021 22:02

Adding to the chorus. He's 35 and clearly he is not up to it any more. My DP gave up rugby at the same age because the injuries were just starting to stack up. It happens.

I think you're spot on he's projecting and making this your fault. There's a reason professional footballers retire young.

timeisnotaline · 25/04/2021 22:03

Do your walking. Also, have you a helpful friend? Who can loan you a bed to nap in on weekends for the remainder of your pregancy. 3 rules- don’t be gone longer than a match and don’t return home with a broken bone and do go as often as he has played in the past.
Mine wouldn’t play if it meant he couldn’t pull his weight parenting. He plays Monday nights , can’t on Saturday as he takes ds to footy. If I need him ie am busy at work he cant play (sometimes he takes children to his parents so he can play). We are ttc and he wil have to not play while I’m unwell with the pregnancy, I can’t cover for his share of parenting then.

Phineyj · 25/04/2021 22:04

Oh goodness, what a drama llama. There are loads of sports available. It's not like it's football or nothing.

Thatsnotmyfacemynoseistoobig · 25/04/2021 22:17

Yanbu. He can do an online food shop. If its that bad he should of gone straight to a and e. I would not be happy about the football or the injuries.

CouldItBeJeffrey · 25/04/2021 22:18

He said earlier on that it's not a nice feeling having to come to terms with the fact he's not young and all that fit anymore

How the fuck does he think we feel after growing, birthing, feeding and raising multiple babies??! Bloody old, that's what. Old and knackered but we don't get to fanny about chasing childhood dreams and breaking limbs because kids don't raise themselves. He needs to grow up.

user113424742258631134 · 25/04/2021 22:20

How long have you spent choosing to be "silently pissed off" instead of communicating with him before you finally exploded and vented it all at him today?

I don't think it's fair or realistic of you to expect him to instantly drop an activity that has emotional significance to him and magically have no emotions about loss or ageing just because you've finally started communicating.

Even the world's best dad and partner would have emotions and need time to accept the loss.