To still be bothered by MIL comment about my mum

[MayTheLordOpen]

But if a back story. I’ve never had a good relationship with my parents and left home at the earliest opportunity. My Dad is an abuser and controls my mum and used to control us.

I speak with them at family events out of courtesy so as not to cause an atmosphere for other people but we are not in regular contact other than that.

I am now in a long term relationship with my partner and we have children together. He is from quite a well off area and I was brought up on a council estate so in terms of “class” we are polar opposites. We never had anything growing up and he had the best of everything.

My Mother in Law has only met them once or twice. She knows about the relationship and that my dad was physically abusive to me and my mum. A few years ago when I had not been with my partner very long she had just come back off holiday with her friend. She was telling me her and her friend were laughing at someone’s choice of outfit at the airport as they looked ridiculous and then said the person turned round and it was my mum. At the time I said nothing as we’d not been together long and I felt embarrassed that my mum was being bullied in this way. To me it highlighted the difference in class I have felt all through my life and that my family are looked down on.

Recently my dad became terminally ill and my partner asked whether I thought it would bring me closer to my mum and that I’d have to invite her round with his mum etc. I explained that I couldn’t do this and relayed what his mum had said years before. I said I couldn’t let my mum unknowingly sit in a room with someone who had laughed at her behind her back. It has really upset me just lately and I can’t stop thinking about it. Makes me wonder how they view me.

He doesn’t understand why I am upset by it and asked me “why it’s still a big deal”.

AIBU?

See your mum but it doesn’t need to be when your mil is around. Mil sounds like a bit of a cow.

It was stupid of her to tell you that airport story. If you want to see your mum, see her. I don't think you have to see her at the same time as your mother in law, unless it's DC birthday or Christmas. Apart from that one time, has MIL ever said anything about you, your background, your parents etc? Does she know how ill your dad is and to be sensitive?

How unpleasant of your MIL, to be cruel about someone’s outfit in the first place but then to tell you it was about your mum! It seems deliberately malicious, I can’t think why else she would have said it to you.

You aren’t being unreasonable at all.

YANBU. I can’t understand why your MIL even told you about it in the first place.

It’s a big deal because your MIL was being a bitch about your Mum. MIL didn’t need to share the story. I wouldn’t inflict MIL on your Mum. She’s put up with enough.

The comment from your MIL was nasty, but it was years ago and if you generally get on well with her now (do you? I don’t think you have said in your post) you should try to put it behind you and move on. I broadly agree with your partner that you are overreacting a bit if your MIL has been nice to you since then.

Do you think that you and your mum could be closer after your dad dies? If so, that’s the thing to try and focus on here. I would try to re build your relationship with your mum first, and stop fretting about MIL for the moment.

Your MIL sounds like mean spirited person and also sounds like the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree with regards to you H.

I would refuse to involve MIL with your mum. I would tell MIL why if she asked me. I would be matter of fact about it.

You're just being protective of your mum. YANBU at all.

Your MIL was catty and juvenile.
Have you considered talking to her about the comment. She might be embarrassed herself at her behavior/comment foot in mouth event.

Your MIL’s comment was not very ‘classy’

What a bitch. Dont give her the opportunity to do it twice. And keep your distance too. She may be nice to your face but your expectations of her behaviour should be low. You won't be disappointed.

OP, please never ever be ashamed of your roots; our life experiences are what make us who we are. The airport story should never have been shared with you, a very naff thing to do, certainly not classy.

If you want to see your mum, please do, you don't have to involve your MiL.

Mil may have money but it goes to show you can't buy class.
How uncouth.

YANBU, see your mum separately and I would have as little contact with MIL as I could get away with. My in laws are much better off than my family financially and have never met my mum, who is not well off, partly because my MIL makes nasty comments about her other DIL family to us, including referring to two of them as 'pinky and perky' because they are overweight. I wouldn't want her to speak about my mum like this and I know she will judge her so therefore they won't meet if I can possibly help it and I would take MIL to task if I ever heard her being catty about her. Its totally unnecessary. Sorry you're in this position. Clearly for all their wealth it hasn't made them happy because IMO happy people don't feel the need to be unkind about others.

MIL sounds like a mean girl mega bitch.
Stay clear x

Your MIL’s comment was not very ‘classy’

This is what Im thinking.

To have a laugh behind someone's back because they are wearing an unflattering outfit is one thing. However to point out to someone "It was your XX" is incredibly insensitive.

People can be born with money but not necessarily with class.

It was stupid of her to tell you that airport story.

It wasn't stupid. It was gratuitously cruel, and it was deliberate.

Mocking people's clothes is unpleasant on its own; doing it to your mother and going as far as to tell you about it is disgusting behaviour. She meant to hurt you. And it doesn't matter how many years ago it was: sometimes when people show themselves up in their true colours it isn't possible to unsee it.

This is a very difficult time for you and your family, who are going to need people around you who will support you unfailingly rather than the reverse. In your position wouldn't invite my mother to be anywhere near her. You've had fair warning as to how this will end; she won't have changed. Your partner is being extremely unreasonable and needs it making clear to him that this is about his mother's failings, not yours.

@MayTheLordOpen - It sounds as though soon you will have an opportunity to have a relationship with your Mum in a whole new way (I mean that as respectfully as possible). I'd start with just the two of you, and your immediate family. I wouldn't let something that happened years ago stop contact with inlaws and/or not invite your Mum to things you MIL will be at - though maybe you'll feel better if you start slow. Though I completely understand you feel protective of your Mum. It was your MIL that was in the wrong here, not your Mum and not you.

Yes, like others I did think that your MIL hasn't really shown herself as particularly classy. Very gauche and puerile, the whole airport episode (presuming it was true - but likewise and more so if she just made it up to upset you), and sharing it with you. No need to feel inferior in response to that.

It sounds like a throwaway joke comment
I think you’re overreacting

OP, your MIL may be richer, but you are the only person with class in this tale.

"A few years ago when I had not been with my partner very long she had just come back off holiday with her friend. She was telling me her and her friend were laughing at someone’s choice of outfit at the airport as they looked ridiculous and then said the person turned round and it was my mum."

What a totally unnecessary story to tell you, as though you are somehow responsible for your mother and what she was wearing.
Perhaps she thought that you would also enjoy a laugh at your mother's expense, but that rarely happens - all she's done is make you feel uncomfortable that she thinks your mother is a laughing stock and by inference that you probably are too.

Have you ever actually asked her why she told you that? I mean, she might genuinely have believed that the bad feeling between you and your mum was strong enough that you would have laughed too - or she might have been being snide and malicious - but you can't really know unless you ask her which it was.

Your MIL is a bitch!

I'd be questioning if she actually saw your mum or she wanted a chance to belittle your mum.

She knew you didn't speak to her, so chances of you asking your mum were you at the airport was slim.

She knew this. She's just an old cow who is clearly a bitch.

I don't think it ever happened. All the people in the airport who dress all different yet she saw the one person you didn't talk to. Chances are low.

She just wanted to see what she can say and belittle your mother.

Wow....no words for this.....apart from that your MIL is a spiteful, mean spirited woman. At least with your “lower class” credentials, you are much kinder, perceived class order doesn’t grant you the right to pick other people apart.

I say this as I am the same as you, bought up on a council housing estate.

I don’t think this happened either, she was just getting a dig at you in. My MIL used to do this to me all the time, until I called her out on it in front of others in their large family and friends. I don’t put up with any of her spiteful ways anymore.