To still be bothered by MIL comment about my mum

[MayTheLordOpen]

But if a back story. I’ve never had a good relationship with my parents and left home at the earliest opportunity. My Dad is an abuser and controls my mum and used to control us.

I speak with them at family events out of courtesy so as not to cause an atmosphere for other people but we are not in regular contact other than that.

I am now in a long term relationship with my partner and we have children together. He is from quite a well off area and I was brought up on a council estate so in terms of “class” we are polar opposites. We never had anything growing up and he had the best of everything.

My Mother in Law has only met them once or twice. She knows about the relationship and that my dad was physically abusive to me and my mum. A few years ago when I had not been with my partner very long she had just come back off holiday with her friend. She was telling me her and her friend were laughing at someone’s choice of outfit at the airport as they looked ridiculous and then said the person turned round and it was my mum. At the time I said nothing as we’d not been together long and I felt embarrassed that my mum was being bullied in this way. To me it highlighted the difference in class I have felt all through my life and that my family are looked down on.

Recently my dad became terminally ill and my partner asked whether I thought it would bring me closer to my mum and that I’d have to invite her round with his mum etc. I explained that I couldn’t do this and relayed what his mum had said years before. I said I couldn’t let my mum unknowingly sit in a room with someone who had laughed at her behind her back. It has really upset me just lately and I can’t stop thinking about it. Makes me wonder how they view me.

He doesn’t understand why I am upset by it and asked me “why it’s still a big deal”.

AIBU?

Your partner’s mother sounds unbelievably dim. Why on earth would she tell you that story when she realised the person they were laughing about is your mum? On the other hand it’s probably just as well she did as you know what type of individual she is. And, as a PP said, it’s not because she’s rich, it’s that she (and her friend) are rather obnoxious. It’s a pity your partner can’t appreciate how hurtful it was for you, and something like that DOES stay with you.

your partner thinks it fine for his mother to insult you, he obvs thinks that you are subordinate to his mother, as does his mother

Ha! Let me tell you, people with real class don't act like your MIL did. Awful behaviour to laugh at someone, absolutely disgraceful to tell you about it.

Wingsthat-that is really uncalled for. We don’t know what the mum suffered herself.

You can think or say what you want about your parents. You can wish them all the pain in the world TO your MIL.

But your MIL has absolutely no right to pass any comment on your parents - they are YOUR parents and she should have enough courtesy towards you not to embarrass you.

Get your partner to speak to her, this is out of order.

It's. I thing to do with class , your mil is a judgey cow bag ! I'm grok money and I don't give a shiny shite what anyone wears !

@Procrastination4

Wingsthat-that is really uncalled for. We don’t know what the mum suffered herself.

It’s really not. She chose this man over the safety of her child.

Perhaps Your mother in law thought you didn’t get on with your mother and was telling you the support story as she thought it would almost show you that she was “on your side”

I find it hard to fully understand your MIL from that one story. Some people can be idiots and insensitive but it’s not what they’re like most of the time. Perhaps she thought you disliked your mum since you had no contact and thought you’d find it amusing.

Also while it’s not nice and classy to laugh at someone’s dress it doesn’t have to always be about class. I think often rich people with no style can look very silly.

Are there other stories like this or was this just a one off? I think that would surely say more about her character.

@wingsnthat

To be frank the MiL issue is the least of your worries

Your mum let this man physically abuse you and control you as a child. I wouldn’t want anything to do with your dad or your mum. Laughing at her shitty outfit is the least she deserves.

As the former victim of abuse who got the fuck out eventually to make sure my child wasn’t affected by his dad, I agree with this.

@MayTheLordOpen I understand why you do so, but you’re being defensive of the wrong person

You are the one that you should feel sorry for.

Can you imagine allowing your own child to be in a situation like your childhood?

Sounds like your mil wouldn’t want your mum foisted on her.

I wonder what she expected you to say when she told you that. What an utter cow. I'd keep her at arm's length. If you feel up to it you could address it with her and see if she's apologetic. But she might be as insightless as your husband and then what would you do. What a bitch though. Yuk.

And I wouldn’t take dm in after dear-dad goes either

@wingsnthat

To be frank the MiL issue is the least of your worries

Your mum let this man physically abuse you and control you as a child. I wouldn’t want anything to do with your dad or your mum. Laughing at her shitty outfit is the least she deserves.

I agree with this, and maybe your mil feels this way too (and thought you did too). I come from an abusive home - it’s easy to feel protective over those adults who also saw the brunt of the abuse but you need to remember they were the adults. They should have got you out of there.

Your MIL sounds like a spiteful bitch.

To explain to your husband “I’m still upset about it because your mother has done nothing to give me a reason to stop being upset about it. And what innocent reason could she possibly have to tell me she was mocking my mother?”

Don’t put your mum in the situation where she is in the company of someone who is laughing at her behind her back

That. And if you say anything to your husband, make it that. It's not about you dwelling on something that was said. It's that your MIL made fun of your DM and so you're uncomfortable putting your mum in that position.

@BurbageBrook

Your MIL sounds like a spiteful bitch.

She was laughing at a woman whom she knew stood by and watched her DIL terribly abused by her father for her entire childhood.

She was laughing at a woman whom she knew her DIL wasn’t close to at all and saw each other very infrequently.

She shouldn’t have laughed, as that’s unpleasant.

But I suspect that she was demonstrating her support for her DIL rather than being a “spiteful bitch”

Bullying isn't classy at all. MIL sounds like a judgemental bitch. Why do you need to see them both together?

@wingsnthat

To be frank the MiL issue is the least of your worries

Your mum let this man physically abuse you and control you as a child. I wouldn’t want anything to do with your dad or your mum. Laughing at her shitty outfit is the least she deserves.

That’s a good point.

Although most people on this thread are more annoyed at a woman who once mocked someone’s outfit versus a woman who stood back and allowed her child to be abused.

I feel really sad after reading that. I think it says more about his mother than it does yours. I would let them meet, then his mother may feel ashamed at her ignorance. You and your mother are good people, his mother on the other hand sounds like horrible snob.

Although most people on this thread are more annoyed at a woman who once mocked someone’s outfit versus a woman who stood back and allowed her child to be abuse.

You're not wrong in what you say but, TBF, they are two separate issues and this isn't the one the OP asked for advice about.

Although most people on this thread are more annoyed at a woman who once mocked someone’s outfit versus a woman who stood back and allowed her child to be abuse.
That woman was a victim of abuse herself, not saying it was right what happened to OP but I doubt it was from a vindictive place unlike MIL.

I think most people have raised an eyebrow at someone wearing a crazy outfit at some point.

It's odd that she told you but I daresay it's because you don't have a relationship with your parents. If you were close to them, she would have told the story differently surely? Regardless if this is the only incident in all the time that you've known her, I personally would be able to overlook it.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

Although most people on this thread are more annoyed at a woman who once mocked someone’s outfit versus a woman who stood back and allowed her child to be abuse.

You're not wrong in what you say but, TBF, they are two separate issues and this isn't the one the OP asked for advice about.

Had the MIL not known about the abuse or the very frosty relationship between the OP and her mother, then irrelevant

But given she is fully aware - they are absolutely not separate issues.

Indeed why would the OP even refer to this if not relevant?

It's not just nasty and childish, it's actually downright weird that she felt the need to share that grubby little anecdote with you

Do you have children, OP? Is there some sort of "the Other Grandmother" nonsense going on in MIL's head?

Either way, I wouldn't have her within 100 yards of your mum. Your DH can take a running jump, because he's not the one affected by her behaviour and therefore has no say in how you respond to it.