To still be bothered by MIL comment about my mum

[MayTheLordOpen]

But if a back story. I’ve never had a good relationship with my parents and left home at the earliest opportunity. My Dad is an abuser and controls my mum and used to control us.

I speak with them at family events out of courtesy so as not to cause an atmosphere for other people but we are not in regular contact other than that.

I am now in a long term relationship with my partner and we have children together. He is from quite a well off area and I was brought up on a council estate so in terms of “class” we are polar opposites. We never had anything growing up and he had the best of everything.

My Mother in Law has only met them once or twice. She knows about the relationship and that my dad was physically abusive to me and my mum. A few years ago when I had not been with my partner very long she had just come back off holiday with her friend. She was telling me her and her friend were laughing at someone’s choice of outfit at the airport as they looked ridiculous and then said the person turned round and it was my mum. At the time I said nothing as we’d not been together long and I felt embarrassed that my mum was being bullied in this way. To me it highlighted the difference in class I have felt all through my life and that my family are looked down on.

Recently my dad became terminally ill and my partner asked whether I thought it would bring me closer to my mum and that I’d have to invite her round with his mum etc. I explained that I couldn’t do this and relayed what his mum had said years before. I said I couldn’t let my mum unknowingly sit in a room with someone who had laughed at her behind her back. It has really upset me just lately and I can’t stop thinking about it. Makes me wonder how they view me.

He doesn’t understand why I am upset by it and asked me “why it’s still a big deal”.

AIBU?

Is there some sort of "the Other Grandmother" nonsense going on in MIL's head?

I think it’s that . Probably worried she was such a terrible mum to her son that she is worried he will see your mother as a much more fit grandma than you and not invest much in her relationship with her grandkids.

She sees the better character in your mum and she feels an intense need to expose her weaknesses so that she feels it’s more level

I think she knows your mum is better than her as a person

I think she knows your mum is better than her as a person

Lol ok. The woman who let her husband hit her children is a “better person”. Okaayyy

@DeepThinkingGirl

Did you read the OP?
If you did, then your post is baffling

Why would your mum who's going through a difficult time be interested in spending time with a stranger?

Just decline.

It's all in the past. Forget it. It was one particular outfit that your mum wore on that day. We can all wear clothes that don't suit us, look silly, or make other people snigger. Even your mil could have unsuitable clothes! She's obviously not a person who's considerate of other people's feelings but I expect we can all say/think things like that occasionally.

I’ve re-read the Op

I don’t know why you’re so defensive of someone who didn’t defend or protect you when they were all you had.

I got my ds out of the toxic set up we found ourselves in, I’ve kept him out and worked hard to make sure my ds didn’t become like his dad, knew how much he meant to me and how much potential and positivity he has

If I were mil, I’d not want you to bring someone who enabled abuse of a child anywhere near me.

Why - honestly- do you think your mother deserves respect

You yourself don’t speak to either of your parents unless it’s unavoidable. That’s the lead your in-laws are following.

They’re on your team love, they’re there for you. I know how alien that feels for you, but it’s what you should have had all along but didn’t

They’re on your team love, they’re there for you. I know how alien that feels for you, but it’s what you should have had all along but didn’t

Absolutely not. Being on someone’s team means respecting their feelings

How horrible, any decent person would never repeat such a thing, in fact any decent person would not be laughing at anothers choice of clothes.
I really hope you do get closer to your Mum.

Thank you every one for your replies.

A few answers to people’s questions.

My MIL has always been pleasant enough to me in the past and if it wasn’t for the particular circumstances I might have not even thought of it again.

I am feeling conflicting feelings about my mum. One side of me sees her as a victim as was I but the other side of me knows that I would never ever put my own child through some of the things I was put through.

I think My Husband suggested it as my mum has no friends or anything - literally just my dad. He didn’t recall the incident with his mum and at the time I hadn’t mentioned it either.

In his defence he is the nicest person you could meet. After my Dad I ended up in a long term abusive relationship and now I’m with him, it feels like all that was another life. He supports me in whatever and has apologised for his comment. He has said he will speak to him mum if I want but I don’t really want it brought up and mentioned again.

OP my usually decent (on the surface anyway) MIL said something about a family member of mine that has made me wary of her to this day. I am more reserved in what I say or share with her and keep a safe emotional distance if you know what I mean. It changed how I viewed her as a person.

Basically my brother and his wife, first pregnancy for them, they were so excited and their baby went full term, all seemed well until the baby was born and she only lived one day. It turned out their was a genetic issue that nobody knew about and she would never have survived. My MIL was in our home when I got the call about my niece, she turned to me and asked "Do you thing it was something they did that caused the baby to die do you think?" then answered herself that they were both doctors and probably understood basic maternal care, so probably did not harm their baby.

I have never mentioned it to her, my OH or anyone else, but that comment that day froze me to the spot, it was cruel to even think such a thing, let alone voice it. There has been times over the years that she has said things and prior to this I brushed them off as badly worded, clumsy or not what she meant, me being too sensitive about my family background (raised in abusive home) but after that day I saw someone who hid malice in honey. It is good that your DH has your back, I wouldn't mention any of it to his mother though, any reaction to her is likely to be twisted that you misunderstood or that you are the one with the chip on your shoulder, keep her at a safe distance.

OP,
I'm glad you say your husband is a good man despite his mother being utterly classless in her remark to you.

Loosing a parent that was abusive is a difficult thing.

You ow your MIL MIL nothing so do not entertain her with your mother.

You have mixed feelings regarding your mother.
Rightly so in my view.
She stood by while you were abused.
Do not feel obligated towards her when your father dies.
You aren't obligated in my view.

Mind yourself maybe some counselling.

Mil is desperately lacking in social skills isn’t she!
Either that or she deliberately hurt you, either way she isn’t a kind person.

Your mum may have enabled abuse but it's not for your MIL to pass comment on your Mum. It's childish and nasty laughing at someone's outfit. I presume MIL thought it was okay to tell you that because you don't see your parents , and assumes you don't like them and would be okay with laughing about them. She sounds like she doesn't have much emotional intelligence, and can't understand or imagine that your feelings towards your Mum would be complicated.
Aside from all that I don't see what your mum would get out of meeting your MIL at this time, the last thing I would want when dealing with terminally ill husband would be to have to socialise with someone I hardly know. I would only want to be around people I was close to where possible. So I would just tell DH no.

The feelings of someone who only has essential contact only with her parents who actually did a really bad job of it.

Unless you’ve had similar happen to you, it’s an alien concept, I know.

But the “feelings” here perhaps MIL misjudged because she didn’t realised op was still under the fear obligation and guilt someone from a toxic family is conditioned to.

It's childish and nasty laughing at someone's outfit.

Tbf, depends on the outfit...

@MayTheLordOpen

Thank you every one for your replies.

A few answers to people’s questions.

My MIL has always been pleasant enough to me in the past and if it wasn’t for the particular circumstances I might have not even thought of it again.

I am feeling conflicting feelings about my mum. One side of me sees her as a victim as was I but the other side of me knows that I would never ever put my own child through some of the things I was put through.

I think My Husband suggested it as my mum has no friends or anything - literally just my dad. He didn’t recall the incident with his mum and at the time I hadn’t mentioned it either.

In his defence he is the nicest person you could meet. After my Dad I ended up in a long term abusive relationship and now I’m with him, it feels like all that was another life. He supports me in whatever and has apologised for his comment. He has said he will speak to him mum if I want but I don’t really want it brought up and mentioned again.

A toxic upbringing is one of the biggest factors in a child going onto finding themselves in an abusive relationship

So thank god you’re out, you know what it did to you and you’re seeing how badly you were let down

Your oh sounds lovely, I recommend before passing judgement on how others deal with things, consider how their viewpoints will be different from yours and yours will be skewed by your childhood

You’re right to question things and you’re right to protect yourself from your parents

Others will be far more angry with them than you are able to be. That’s because they know how badly you suffered and how far from a happy family situation you were.

They’re going to dislike and judge your parents, and they’ve got a point

They don’t consider your parents feelings because your parents didn’t consider you. They love you and feel sympathy towards you.

Your mum was wrong not to keep you safe and your MIL was rude at laughing and relaying the story of the clothes without considering your feelings. I don't think it's strange to feel hurt by both women and an apology from either now does not take away the lack of care that could have been shown to you.

Your DH sounds caring and stable so he is more worthy of your time and attention than either of them.

If you mixed with your MIL enough to see how she is as a person and so able to judge her character then I would excuse that incident as an innocent mistake..

If she isn’t the bitchy type then this must’ve been a weird moment where she misread things or just had a brain fart moment.

But if she has a habit of being a snob and sneering at people then I’d pay attention to that

Are you sure Op you’re boundaries are so blurred that you aren’t seeing bad behaviour?

Your mother in law was horrible to tell you that about your mum (and horrible to be laughing at what someone wears anyway). However it was a while ago and she has probably forgotten she ever said it now.

In your place I would keep mum and mum in law apart.

Gosh, what your MIL said was so unkind and spiteful - and unnecessary. That I almost feel that there must be more to it. Especially given that you say she hasn’t been unpleasant in other ways over the years.

I am trying to be charitable, and to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Because it seems like such an unnecessary thing to share with you, do you think there was a chance that she was trying to bond with you - she knows you have a difficult relationship with her, and so was misguidedly making fun of her to ‘take your side’, in some strange way?

Only you will know if there might be an ounce of truth in this, and I admit it’s unlikely. It just seems so strange to share this unkindness with you.

In any case, moving forward - put MIL to one side.

It probably is appropriate - if you feel able - to maybe reach out to your Mum at this point in life. MIL, however, absolutely does not have to be involved in that.

YANBU at all. See your mum, you'll be yourself if you do it by yourself without having to worry about what anybody else thinks.

Although why you came to this place for an answer is bizarre to me.
80% of these posters would be the ones slagging your mum off, regardless of what she was wearing. The fact that they'll offer you a "handhold" while being this vapid towards everyone who isn't them is the epitome of why this is Karen HQ.

You have nothing to prove, nothing to apologise for and your husband should get off his privelidged high horse and get a clue.

Good luck.

80% of these posters would be the ones slagging your mum off, regardless of what she was wearing. The fact that they'll offer you a "handhold" while being this vapid towards everyone who isn't them is the epitome of why this is Karen HQ.

I’m quite shocked at some of the responses to be honest. Are women that nasty to each other.

I bet is my dad told my husband something as shit about his dad who isn’t very close to him it would be seen as the direct insult it is.. and not justified as some sort of bonding experience that I should be grateful for.. how bizarre