To still be bothered by MIL comment about my mum

[MayTheLordOpen]

But if a back story. I’ve never had a good relationship with my parents and left home at the earliest opportunity. My Dad is an abuser and controls my mum and used to control us.

I speak with them at family events out of courtesy so as not to cause an atmosphere for other people but we are not in regular contact other than that.

I am now in a long term relationship with my partner and we have children together. He is from quite a well off area and I was brought up on a council estate so in terms of “class” we are polar opposites. We never had anything growing up and he had the best of everything.

My Mother in Law has only met them once or twice. She knows about the relationship and that my dad was physically abusive to me and my mum. A few years ago when I had not been with my partner very long she had just come back off holiday with her friend. She was telling me her and her friend were laughing at someone’s choice of outfit at the airport as they looked ridiculous and then said the person turned round and it was my mum. At the time I said nothing as we’d not been together long and I felt embarrassed that my mum was being bullied in this way. To me it highlighted the difference in class I have felt all through my life and that my family are looked down on.

Recently my dad became terminally ill and my partner asked whether I thought it would bring me closer to my mum and that I’d have to invite her round with his mum etc. I explained that I couldn’t do this and relayed what his mum had said years before. I said I couldn’t let my mum unknowingly sit in a room with someone who had laughed at her behind her back. It has really upset me just lately and I can’t stop thinking about it. Makes me wonder how they view me.

He doesn’t understand why I am upset by it and asked me “why it’s still a big deal”.

AIBU?

A classy person would not behave in such a way nor would they gleefully share such vile behaviour. 🌺

Telling you that was a power play by mil. One that would out her on my shit list, tbh. See less of her and more of your mum (if you want to).

I understand how you feel OP.

I don’t want to share my opinion about your MIL because I’m incredibly brutal when it comes to these things..

But I wouldn’t be able to get over this.. I would protect my mother form MIL even though I think your mother probably has more class than to be bothered by the opinion of someone so shallow and I’ll spirited.

Was your mum even in the airport???
I am not sure I'd even recognise someone I only met once.
It seems like an insane coincidence.

Even if it happened it's a horrible thing to do and a fucking weird story. I am not surprised you have an issue with it.

Is she nice to you generally??

Sounds like my mil, she trys to act posh but isint .I know she is not over fond of me as I come from a working class family and have a very strong local accent.My partner grew up in the same area ,but, his mum made all her children have voice lessons so they wouldn't have the accent my partner admitted it .Both his siblings have followed their mums lead .
I keep his family right away from mine as they dont need to be around snobby muppets.
Add into the day my mil actually said to my face ..she would have to teach me how to dress and act due to my back ground...
Then she wonders why I dont want to see or be around her .

Also I would bring it up to MIL

It was stupid of her to tell you that airport story.

Not stupid - spiteful.

See your mum, but don't have your MIL about.

I think you’re right to be protective.

Your dm is vulnerable - she would have freed herself from your df’s influence if she wasn’t. Normal people would react to people like your dm with compassion. But there’s another type of person who are like sharks smelling blood, and are drawn to signs of vulnerability.

You’ve had to have strong boundaries around your family, and I think you have correctly recognised that your mil is a person that your dm needs protecting from. (frankly I think she’s someone I would have very little to do with because that comment was designed to hurt and undermine you - a posh version of Yo Mamma insults).

It’s very interesting to me that your dh doesn’t understand/or is minimising this. Either his own boundaries have been damaged in his upbringing, or perhaps he has a bit of a gaslighting abusive streak himself?

Or maybe catalyse the situation so she can say something about your mum again and this time have a response ready

“Oh mother in law, I thought you are a confident person and don’t need to put other women down”

Money clearly cannot buy class for your MIL. She's rude and obnoxious.
Your feelings are probably cutting deeper knowing DM has been picked on most of her life.
Clear the anger by telling MIL how rude she was.
I hope you can rekindle the relationship with your DM separately from MIL.

Your MIL is a nasty woman by the sounds of it , like someone up thread said 'don't inflict your Mum with your MIL she has endured enough bless her '

You've seen your Mil's character there. Keep your distance, watch the values she imparts to your children and see as much of your mum as you like. Call her out on any future comments. And don't let your in-laws become the only parents/grandparents around.
Your partner is also rude. Tell him why it still matters. Because it was rude and meant to hurt you and humiliate your mum. In the same way someone mocking his mum would be hurtful to him. You may not have perfect parents. And guess what? He hasn't either. What a bitch.

Sometimes folk are bastards.

Sadly you are linked to this one by your partner.

If he can’t see why this would bother you, then he is cut from the same cloth.

She may be from a nice part of town. That doesn’t make her immune from having a great flapping nasty mouth.

I think it's an odd think for him to suggest, to be honest.

You have a tricky relationship with your DM, who is presumably going through a difficult time with your father's illness. Your MIL has met her once or twice?

I wouldn't be choosing to try and re-negotiate my relationship with my mother whilst in the company of strangers. You may forge a different type of relationship. But you don't need a nosy or judgemental audience whilst you try to do so.

Why would MIL need to be involved in this?

Yes you MIL is a bitch. Stood and laughing at some other person while she’s out is horrible enough but to tell you and be so shitty about your mum I would not get over. I also expect any niceties she extends to you are fake and she is similarly horrible about you behind your back.
I don’t think it’s sounds like a throwaway comment it sounds like a specifically targeted comment to make you feel upset and foolish.

It’s a cliche, but very true- money can’t buy class or intelligence unfortunately. Sounds like your mil has neither.

Have you written about this before op? I'm sure I remember this scenario?

Mil was stupid to tell you the tale . She was taking the piss about what she was wearing not that she was a different class .

It was insensitive for her to tell you but if you've made it clear you don't get on I think she might be surprised you were offended

I don't think it's nice thing to be laughing at in the first place, let alone to then be further amusement that it was your mother and then to repeat it to you. No, not nice at all and I wouldn't be able to forget it either. You aren't being unreasonable and I would see the 2 women separately. I'm sorry that your mother in law said that to you. No one deserves to be around that kind of unpleasantness.

Don’t put your mum in the situation where she is in the company of someone who is laughing at her behind her back. Spend time with your mum trying to rebuild your relationship with her but not in the company of your MIL. Your husband is being a dick pretending that he doesn’t get it but don’t let that put you off standing up for your mum and protecting her from someone who has ridiculed her especially when she is probably exhausted and at her most vulnerable.

You may have issues with your mum but your mil doesn’t sound great either - is she a bit snobby?!

Imo there is no need for your mum and your mother in law to be over at the same time. If you choose to invite your mum do it separately to your mil. Sometimes their paths might cross accidentally but there’s no great need for them to see each other.

I’ve been with dp for a decade. My mum and his mum don’t really get on - they are too alike for their own good. I also have a difficult relationship with my parents - but I see them occasionally to keep the peace. I try everything in my power to keep my mum and mother in law apart! They just rub each other up the wrong way and end up bickering!

My mum and my mother in law have only been at the same place on purpose a few times in a decade and none of them times were not great. They have bumped into each other a few times and ‘chatted’ - more like competing! 😂

It’s not because MIL is rich, it’s because she’s nasty. I wouldn’t want my mum near her either.

"He doesn’t understand why I am upset by it and asked me “why it’s still a big deal”."

He surely cannot be that thick?

His mother told you this airport story (which may or may not be true) for a purpose. The purpose was to make it clear to you that you are her inferior. Your parents are laughable and ridiculous and by extension, so are you.

You thought she was bullying your mother - no, she was bullying you. And to be honest, by telling you that story, she told you a great deal about herself and none of it was good.

If your partner cannot see why his mother's behaviour upset you, and cannot see why it is a big deal that his mother made a real effort to belittle and sneer at his partner, then there's no remedy. I suspect he just doesn't want to see it; possibly protective of his mother despite her behaviour/snobbery, possibly because the fruit hasn't fallen far from the tree.

Sounds like your DH might have some admiration for your mum and i think his mother is jealous because your mother has a character whixh is likeable

He probably know his mum is mean spirited but it’s normalised for him

Please get closer to your mother without her presence. She is simply jealous that your mother is more likeable

To be frank the MiL issue is the least of your worries

Your mum let this man physically abuse you and control you as a child. I wouldn’t want anything to do with your dad or your mum. Laughing at her shitty outfit is the least she deserves.