AIBU to expect my DH to cut back on games nights to help out more while I study?

[cedartree2]

I was a SAHM for eight years whilst my DH has worked to support us. (I did work to support him early on in our marriage, and I already owned our first house when we got together, so I feel I have contributed financially in the past).

Now that the children are both at school I have returned to full-time study to start a new career. Now that I am busy with classes and assignments, it is harder to keep up with housework and helping the kids with homework etc. I usually spend 8 hours a day looking after the kids, taking them to and from school and doing housework.

Recently I've had to spend entire weekends studying, leaving my DH to do everything else. He has become resentful about having to do more. Meanwhile, he has gotten into Dungeons and Dragons and has been spending more and more time attending games nights and sometimes running games days himself. Recently it's been at least two nights a week as well as a regular monthly games day that he runs and spends hours preparing for. Last night he stayed out until 1:30am and was tired all day today and seemed resentful that he was having to look after the kids and run some errands while I finished an assignment.

I feel he is going to need to cut back on the games nights/days to have more time and energy to do other things rather than being resentful that I'm studying and not always available like I used to be.

Am I being unreasonable?

You're not being unreasonable for expecting him to do more.

You are being unreasonable to frame it as "helping out". His kids, his home = his responsibility to pull his weight as required.

It doesn't seem really fair though. If he works all week and you're unavailable all weekend that's quite a lot?

You should both be contributing equally during the day, in the evenings and on weekends. If the kids are at school while he works that's your time to study or do housework. Evenings and weekends should be 50/50 right?

It doesn't seem really fair though. If he works all week and you're unavailable all weekend that's quite a lot? And she does childcare, house work and study all week and is trying to get back into the workplace meaning she also works at weekends - doesn't that sound like a lot too?

But yes, @cedartree2 you need a sit down talk. He needs to re assess his time out of home and you both need to work out how to cover the usual household chores. He ain't helping you out, he is being asked to be an adult, a parent!

Can you not do the study more during the school day?

Kids are at school for six hours so that gives you five hours a day- 25 hours a week. How many hours are you expected to do for the course?

I usually spend 8 hours a day looking after the kids, taking them to and from school and doing housework.

you do how many hours a day?!?

Unless you just had a newborn you forgot to mention, what the hell?

I can see his point, he’s working all week and your aren’t and the children are at school so there’s not much looking after them to be done. Given many manage to study, work and parent i would be wondering why it needed to be done so much outside of the thirty hours you have free whilst the children are in school.

Yanbu to expect a greater share of housework.

However with school age children, how are you spending 8 hours a day of hands on care and housework? I'm a single mum of 3 and expect my two school age kids to get themselves dressed and ready for school, manage most of their own breakfast, then in the afternoon yes they need picking up and maybe a play outdoors but then they can also either join me in doing household jobs and cooking, can play with each other or read for a bit etc. It shouldn't be 8 hours hands on, you should be able work together to get 3 hours a day/15 hours a week back that would make up for the weekends. Then you can have family and leisure time back on Saturday and Sunday.

Kids can be more independent at getting ready in the morning, playing in the afternoon for an hour
He does some dropoffs (or pickups if easier)
Start TOMM or fly lady or another daily cleaning routine and take turns doing days in the mornings or he gets kids ready while you whizz around (or vice versa)
Or if you have the cash, pay for after school club or before school club and/or a cleaner

Then you both have some free time too.

“I usually spend 8 hours a day looking after the kids, taking them to and from school and doing housework”
Surely you can’t be spending 8 hrs a day looking after the kids and doing housework if both kids are at school most of the day now?
It isn’t unreasonable to expect your husband to take over on weekends when you need to study or complete work but it sounds like you could find a lot more time in the week to do studying too which would make it easier on you both at the weekend.

@apooagnuandyou

I usually spend 8 hours a day looking after the kids, taking them to and from school and doing housework.

you do how many hours a day?!?

Unless you just had a newborn you forgot to mention, what the hell?

You forgot the full time study.

Yabvu what do you do the entire day when your kids are at school?
The weekends are downtime for both of you. I don't blame him for being resentful, why is your studying eating up into the weekend time?

If you actually mean CHORES, you can have all the house chores finish by the time you take the kids to school, and be free to study from 9am to 3pm!

Then you still have all your evenings free too.

So yes, completely BU to expect your full-time husband to do the weekends. At most you should do one day each.

You forgot the full time study.

I am not forgetting anything, I am quoting the OP!
She has at least 6 hours a day plus all evenings if she chose to pick up the kids at 3pm and concentrate on the kids until 8pm bed-time.

If your children are at school all day, you have roughly 30 hours a week for studying.

What kind of housework are you doing that takes eight hours a day, five days a week?

Sorry but your kids are at school during the day, so you should be studying then. You cannot possibly need to do hours of housework every day.
It's not unreasonable to expect equal sharing of household and childcare duties on an evening and at weekends, however you are expecting your oh to do much more of than than you are. That's not fair.
If you were working and studying then that would be more than reasonable but in your situation that's not on

YABVU- your kids are at school all day, 5 days a week. I am with your husband on this and don’t blame him for feeling resentful.

Unless you also have a preschooler at home then you should be studying during the day whilst husband is at work and then splitting the house work / childcare fairly. Maybe with a little bit more on your side because you have a bit more flexibility to pop to the shop for essentials on the way to pick kids up etc.

So you’re not unreasonable to expect him to pick up a fair share but you are unreasonable to expect him to work full time and then do full weekends with the kids if you have the opportunity to study during the day for at least 5 hours.

Occasionally you will need extra weekend time for essay writing and that sort of thing sure - but I personally would not be impressed if my DP didn’t work mon-fri, had all day to study but then expected me to pick up extra chores and childcare so he could study on a weekend (unless as I said occasional times for key essays / thesis)

Outside of this he should pull his weight and it’s not fair to take his tiredness out on the kids because he’s up all night gaming (this is SO unattractive to me).

I think you need a sit down discussion on how things can be more fairly split so you both get time you need and both help out with kids on weekend etc

You should treat your studies as you'd treat a full-time job.

No way would you tell your employers that you can't work in the morning or during business hours because you are doing housework....

The whole part of the OP was:

Now that I am busy with classes and assignments, it is harder to keep up with housework and helping the kids with homework etc. I usually spend 8 hours a day looking after the kids, taking them to and from school and doing housework.

I read it differently form you @apooagnuandyou That just taking the last sentence distorts understanding a little.

You have both enjoyed the luxury of having one SAHP for 8 years and now that has changed so you need to have a discussion about how you both manage your home life.

From what you have posted, it doesn't sound like you are managing your time very well. You have two children at school, which leaves you 30 hours per week to get through quite a lot of study/home stuff. Yes, your OH should be helping more, but you both need free time.

To give you a different perspective - me and OH work full time and pre-pandemic, this was out of the home. So, I'd be rushing in the morning to get the children to school and then rushing to work. Then OH be rushing in the evening to pick up the children and get dinner on. We still had to run out home around that.

I think that you do need to have a conversation about managing time as a unit

So he spends x hours at work. You spend x studying etc

Still doesn't add up! 8 hours a day studying/ doing chores/ looking after the kids...

that would still leave an awful amount of time off!

Nothing wrong with time off, but very unreasonable to deny similar time off to your partner during weekends.

The whole thing doesn't make any sense.

@apooagnuandyou

You should treat your studies as you'd treat a full-time job.

No way would you tell your employers that you can't work in the morning or during business hours because you are doing housework....

Will they split the chores equally if she does this? So the op studies all school hours, picks dc up dinner etc then in the evening... her dh games and she cleans? No way would I think that’s ok!!

Honestly if he is working full time all week then looking after the kids on his own all weekend while you study, I’m not sure I’d begrudge him an evening or two a week to do his hobby?

Really?

Taking what 14 hours a day as the usual adult awake time and not knowing when OPs lecture times are

7 - 9 in the morning: kids up and to school
9 - 12 study
12 - 1 lunch, load the dishwasher etc
1 - 3.00ish a bit more study, housework ready for return of kids
3 - 6 kids from school, tea, homework
6 - kids bedtime stuff with kids, housework,
Kids bedtime - own bedtime, adult conversation, catching up on any lecture that was held when she was picking up the kids (remembering DH isn't always there cos he is out playing D+D)

Not really a lot of wriggle room. It just seems like a lot when you look at is as an entire day!

but very unreasonable to deny similar time off to your partner during weekends. From what OP has said, it is her who has no down time. Her DH gets plenty of that out of the house playing D+D. Which is why they need a good long chat about a more equal sharing of the adult/parent load.

His D+D seems to take 16 evenings and a weekend day every month, plus his design times (which will be many hours). How much more opt out time does he need?

Thanks for all the responses.

To clarify, 6am - 8:30am, getting kids breakfast, making their lunches, emptying dishwasher, putting on laundry, chasing them up to eat, get dressed etc and telling one to do piano practice. 8:30am - 9:15 taking them to school and coming home again. 9:15-3pm Go for 20 min walk, doing homework/assignments, also regularly have 2 hour Zoom classes most days in this time. 3-4pm picking up kids and coming home, later some days when they have swimming etc. 4pm-8pm helping kids with homework, emptying school bags and following up school admin, responding to other life admin/paying bills, putting away washing, making dinner, getting kids to have showers and to bed, reading with them both. 8pm onwards - back to try and finish studying, 10pm fall asleep at the desk