AIBU to expect my DH to cut back on games nights to help out more while I study?

[cedartree2]

I was a SAHM for eight years whilst my DH has worked to support us. (I did work to support him early on in our marriage, and I already owned our first house when we got together, so I feel I have contributed financially in the past).

Now that the children are both at school I have returned to full-time study to start a new career. Now that I am busy with classes and assignments, it is harder to keep up with housework and helping the kids with homework etc. I usually spend 8 hours a day looking after the kids, taking them to and from school and doing housework.

Recently I've had to spend entire weekends studying, leaving my DH to do everything else. He has become resentful about having to do more. Meanwhile, he has gotten into Dungeons and Dragons and has been spending more and more time attending games nights and sometimes running games days himself. Recently it's been at least two nights a week as well as a regular monthly games day that he runs and spends hours preparing for. Last night he stayed out until 1:30am and was tired all day today and seemed resentful that he was having to look after the kids and run some errands while I finished an assignment.

I feel he is going to need to cut back on the games nights/days to have more time and energy to do other things rather than being resentful that I'm studying and not always available like I used to be.

Am I being unreasonable?

Study when the kids are at school and it's quiet, do the housework at times when the kids are at home in between spending time with them? If they're at school surely they can amuse themselves while you pop the vacuum round, and just do the bigger jobs between you at the weekend?

I used to work for the OU and there were very few students who had every day of school hours to study, I think you just need to work out what is practical to do when the kids are at home and it's unlikely that includes study.
So I voted YABU, sorry. Your DP needs to do a share I agree but I don't think he is the root cause of your problems.

First things first, drop the word help, he's not helping you if you are both equally busy, you are on your studies, and him at work. I would sit down and discuss with him about spreading the load equally. But definitely never use the word help.

It doesn’t take four hours a day. Every day. To cook dinner, do bedtime, supervise homework for primary children and do life admin.

You both need to get much better at organising your time

It doesn’t take 2.5 hours every morning to get kids ready for school-it just doesn’t.

What course are you doing-how many hours of lectures do you have each week?

What hours does your DH work?

If he’s out two evenings a week, I don’t se the problem. Aren’t the kids in bed?

Side note, but why do SAHPs always put "paying bills" on their list of tasks. I can't think of any bills I manually pay any more.

@Hont1986

Side note, but why do SAHPs always put "paying bills" on their list of tasks. I can't think of any bills I manually pay any more.

I haven't 'paid' a bill in years, other than a few for kids activities and then it takes, what, a couple of minutes max?

It seems to me like you are still trying to do all the housework and childcare like you did before you were studying. Is this correct?

If so, that's unfair. You should get the same amount of hours to study as your DH gets to work. The chores and childcare should then be split 50/50.

Hont1986
Because some people think that the more they list, the more busy they seem and they think it proves to everyone else how busy they are. In reality most people roll their eyes and conclude they can't be that busy if they're exaggerating simple tasks in order to lament how busy they are.

One of my former colleagues used to love a long-winded list when asked "how are you?" on a morning. It used to make me laugh and inwardly eye roll in equal measure hearing 'and by the time I've made a coffee and been to the printer AND done my photocopy time just flies by^'. Their ability to fill an hour achieving very little but feeling rushed off their feet was admirable.

You need to treat the hours that they are at school as sanscrosant for study. Then you can get 25 hours solid done during the week.

Then you can do chores etc together at the weekend

What hours does he work? He should help in the evenings and with after school stuff like homework If he's finished by then, and then it's more equal and would be unreasonable imo for him to have zero down time. He should allow the same for you though as well, as in time not studying or doing stuff around the house etc.

I would study as much as you can during school hours, and then assuming they sleep at a reasonable time, could you study the evenings he is not playing so you can be totally undisturbed, and then a lie in day one each every weekend, so he can have his after he plays?

Based on your timetable you're studying about 7 hours a day during the week. That should be enough to satisfy the requirements of you course and you shouldn't need to work all weekend as well.

I'd suggest looking at your time management and whether you are working effectively or if, for example, you're doing more than you need to.

I'd personally suggest you should cut down on housework and miscellaneous jobs during the day so you can have some down time on weekdays, and keep the weekends free - perhaps even having the odd day to yourself to balance out with DH's games' days?

The 6/8.30am seems wasted time, no need to be up that early, up at 7.30, pop wash on, lunches take5/10 mins, kids up fed, dressed and out the door.
9.30-3, even with a 2hr class, that leaves 17.5 hrs per week for study.
Evenings; your DH should be have a turn at the bedtime bath routine at least 3 nights.
There’s more than ample room in the week for his hobby and your study.

Also a full time student doing a degree with 2 dcs and a working full time dh.

It's impossible to do all you need to do while the dcs are at school. Online lessons have to be prepared for. Assignments have to be done. Plus drop offs and pick ups, all the after school clubs have started again, walking the dog, food shopping, cooking, keeping on top of the housework etc.

There is always something that needs to be done and as the previous sahp it falls on the now student parent.

Op, I put my foot down about November time when the reality of full time study hit. Now if I say I need to work over the weekend dh takes ds out sat and sun morning. We've said no social obligations unless we discuss it first, so no arrangements for BBQs etc. And dh sometimes finishes early Friday so picks ds up which is a massive help as I can work from 9am to about 3.30pm without interruption. Knocking off after a few hours is terrible when you are trying to get essays done, you lose your flow completely.

My year finishes the end of May and I can't bloody wait. I will have sooo much free time but until then its pretty full on.

2 nights a week on games doesn't sound unreasonable as long as you also get 2 nights a week to yourself.

However if your children are at school I don't understand how you are spending 8 hours day parenting and doing housework?

Why can't you study when they are at school?

I'm a full time student and no way could I manage without having the weekends too. With lectures and just stopping to cook an evening meal the day is just gone.

I think you husband does spend too much time in D&D for a family man. However you are also not being reasonable, you cannot possibly be doing eight hours of school run and housework every day and you should be able to get the majority of your studying done during this time. Then chores and parenting for weekends and evening should be pretty much split. It is not fair to expect him to work all week, then do everything at the weekend because for some reason you waste eight hours a day on “housework”!

Recently I've had to spend entire weekends studying, leaving my DH to do everything else. He has become resentful about having to do more

Also this isn't really doing more, it's doing everything at weekends by the sound of it. Look at it that you both have full time roles- his job and your full time study, and try and devise something that splits everything else more evenly. There'll be some stuff it makes sense I imagine for you to continue doing due to flexibility, but mornings and evenings should be shared.

You study 7-8 hours a day Monday to Friday and then want the entire weekend for studying too? What kind of course is this?

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

You study 7-8 hours a day Monday to Friday and then want the entire weekend for studying too? What kind of course is this?

This!

What course are you doing? How many years is it?

All these people slamming the OP for not using her time during the day to study, she’s looking after 3 children, maintaining the house and studying full time.

That means she’s

• Getting kids ready for school and take them - not sure about everyone else but I get up at 6.30 to get my kids up, fed, dressed, lunches done (school only dose pack lunches), then sorting myself out. I’m out of the house by 8.30 & if I come home straight after school it’s 9.15 at the earliest, that’s if I don’t need to do groceries or run errands.
• cleaning breakfast stuff if I’ve not had a chance to do it.
• I guarantee there is washing to be done as it’s never ending with 3 kids.
• any other cleaning
• attend lectures as a full time student. None of us know how many she attends or how long these are.
• Pick her kids up
• do what ever she dose with the kids after school.
• feed, bathe and put them to bed then do the night tidying and cleaning.

To study full time you need to dedicate at least 30 hours of study a week not including assignments. Doing that on top of being the main career for 3 children and keeping in top of all the housework that goes with that is not a walk in the park.

I really don’t think she’s being unreasonable for her husband to pull his weight to take the pressure off her while she’s studying to get herself a better job, especially as she’s supported him earlier on in their relationship.

@cedartree2

Thanks for all the responses.

To clarify, 6am - 8:30am, getting kids breakfast, making their lunches, emptying dishwasher, putting on laundry, chasing them up to eat, get dressed etc and telling one to do piano practice. 8:30am - 9:15 taking them to school and coming home again. 9:15-3pm Go for 20 min walk, doing homework/assignments, also regularly have 2 hour Zoom classes most days in this time. 3-4pm picking up kids and coming home, later some days when they have swimming etc. 4pm-8pm helping kids with homework, emptying school bags and following up school admin, responding to other life admin/paying bills, putting away washing, making dinner, getting kids to have showers and to bed, reading with them both. 8pm onwards - back to try and finish studying, 10pm fall asleep at the desk

Oh come on, you are listing some ridiculous things to show how busy busy you are. “School admin”, “ life admin” “emptying the dishwasher”” “telling one to do piano practice”!!!!!!

You aren’t even having to travel to a college for your studies, even a two hour zoom class isn’t filling all the hours in a school day. You have plenty of time to study.

I am not saying that you and your OH shouldn’t be talking about free time for outside hobbies and pursuits for both of you, but you aren’t putting over your case very convincingly.

I voted YANBU, because, it does sound like he is spending a lot of time on his hobby, for a person that is out at work all day, a parents of Primary age dc, and a contributor to the home (whatever words you want to use for cooking and cleaning and paperwork etc).

However

If your dc are Primary age, you seem to be spending an awful lot of time pretty inefficiently, both before and after school.

Like everyone else, I don't know what you are studying, but you have 25hours + to study when they are at school each week. That ought to cover a pretty high % of most courses, without every weekend needing to be full study days too.

I presume, before taking on this course, you discussed it together, and the impact it would have on your lives for this year / 3 years / however long it is ? Studying for your course does need to be given ring fenced time, and you need to be disciplined, but it shouldn't mean that your dh gets no hobby time either.

It sounds like you need to be more efficient because really how much times does 'school admin, paying bills and telling one to practice piano' actually take up?

You seem to also be spending 7hrs a day during the week studying and now you want whole weekends as well. Most degrees can be done at a decent level within 25-30 hrs a week (including essays). So you're either being inefficient or maybe you're not just cut out for studying.

All these people slamming the OP for not using her time during the day to study, she’s looking after 3 children, maintaining the house and studying full time.

no one is slamming her, just pointing out that her system might need a bit of tweaking! It's her own time she is wasting, and the earlier you get up for nothing, the least efficient you are to study.

Most of us do exactly what the OP is doing in the morning, but in 1 hour instead of 2 and 1/2.

To add, it's fine to concentrate on the kids between 4 and 8, but very short term before a specific assignment or something, you can also use some of that time to study instead.