AIBU to expect my DH to cut back on games nights to help out more while I study?

[cedartree2]

I was a SAHM for eight years whilst my DH has worked to support us. (I did work to support him early on in our marriage, and I already owned our first house when we got together, so I feel I have contributed financially in the past).

Now that the children are both at school I have returned to full-time study to start a new career. Now that I am busy with classes and assignments, it is harder to keep up with housework and helping the kids with homework etc. I usually spend 8 hours a day looking after the kids, taking them to and from school and doing housework.

Recently I've had to spend entire weekends studying, leaving my DH to do everything else. He has become resentful about having to do more. Meanwhile, he has gotten into Dungeons and Dragons and has been spending more and more time attending games nights and sometimes running games days himself. Recently it's been at least two nights a week as well as a regular monthly games day that he runs and spends hours preparing for. Last night he stayed out until 1:30am and was tired all day today and seemed resentful that he was having to look after the kids and run some errands while I finished an assignment.

I feel he is going to need to cut back on the games nights/days to have more time and energy to do other things rather than being resentful that I'm studying and not always available like I used to be.

Am I being unreasonable?

@riotlady

Honestly if he is working full time all week then looking after the kids on his own all weekend while you study, I’m not sure I’d begrudge him an evening or two a week to do his hobby?

He seems to have 16 evenings (that seem to run into the early mornings of the weekend too) and a weekend day a month, plus design time. Each and every month. It's hardly an imposition to want a more even home workload.

Maybe if OP tries gain and says he cycles... that should hit the MN spot

I was close then @cedartree2 That does sound quite crammed - and all down to you!

How many hours a week study are you supposed to do?

He seems to have 16 evenings (that seem to run into the early mornings of the weekend too) and a weekend day a month, plus design time. Each and every month.

I might be being dense but how does 2 nights a week add up to 16 nights a month?

@apooagnuandyou

You forgot the full time study.

I am not forgetting anything, I am quoting the OP!
She has at least 6 hours a day plus all evenings if she chose to pick up the kids at 3pm and concentrate on the kids until 8pm bed-time.

I have done the 'study when the dcs are at school'. It;s usually not enough if during that time you are ALSO supposed ti run the house on your own 'because you are a SAHM'.

Time to reset expectations. You are not a SAHM anymore but a full time student. As such, you are WORKING many hours everyday and he needs to step up and take on 50% of the childcare/parenting/cleaning. Like he would have to do once you are back at work anyway....

@HunterHearstHelmsley

He seems to have 16 evenings (that seem to run into the early mornings of the weekend too) and a weekend day a month, plus design time. Each and every month.

I might be being dense but how does 2 nights a week add up to 16 nights a month?

Oops! No that/s me. I was trying to work out hours per week then gave up and used nights instead, but obviously didn't delete my first thought.

My error, Sorry!

I have done the 'study when the dcs are at school'.
It;s usually not enough if during that time you are ALSO supposed ti run the house on your own 'because you are a SAHM'.

Please don't go there...

Whilst not full time (obviously), most people manage to work, take care of children and the house AND STUDY.

Unless you have a magnificent estate, "running the house" doesn't require that much time and effort.

It's not reasonable to expect the other full time working partner to give up their entire weekend, again at worst it should be 1 day each .

I read and re-read the OP and tried to work out what i had missed

Tbh doing some studying with two young dcs, I found I had a max of maybe 4 hours to study. And that's only if I wasn't doing anything else in the house, aka no housework etc....
You don't ever start to work at 9.00am because you need to go back home. And you dont stop at 3.15pm when you pick the dcs up because again you need to get there.
I'd say it's about an hour lost again just going the school run (back at home ready to work at 9.30am after dropping off at 9.00am. Stopping the studying at 2.45pm to go and pick the dcs for 3.15pm)

If, as the OP says, there is another 2 hours of lessons in the niddle, she has basically 2 hours to do assignments etc... which is nowhere near enough for any of the courses I've done.

When you are busy studying in the evening anyway, I fail to see how it impacts in any way if your partner is gaming/sleeping/going to the gym. Once the kids are in bed, it makes no difference at all as long as one adult is in the house.

But it's always the same adult. Who isn't playing and having fun!

And that he is now moaning about having to parent!

@apooagnuandyou, so I guess you've done that then?

See my post above re timing. There is little time in the day left for studying whilst being a SAHM.
Of course you can work in the evenings only (been there and done that too). It's exhausting, and you still need time at ther weekend to work on assignments.
Of course, it also depends on what sort of course you are doing. An OU qualification spread over 6 years when it's normally done in 2 or 3 isn't the same thing than doing a full time course done in 2 years. The number of hours you need to put in just is not the same. I'd be careful not to compare apples and oranges.

I am sorry, but if you get up as early at 6am, you don't seem to achieve that much.

Sounds like you would be better off getting up at 7, to do exactly what you are doing now anyway (laundry, dishwasher, kids...)

and be less tired and more efficient in the evening.

OR dealing with all the admin etc.. in the morning if 6am is your natural waking up time.

@riotlady

Honestly if he is working full time all week then looking after the kids on his own all weekend while you study, I’m not sure I’d begrudge him an evening or two a week to do his hobby?

I would agree with this. Doesn't seem fair he's working full time all week, then solely do everything at the weekend. He should be 'allowed' his one or two evenings a week to do his hobby. That might mean you don't get as much time for yourself but I am assuming your career change and retraining is something that you have chosen to do, so maybe need to suck that up for a few years while you are doing it?

@apooagnuandyou, have you actually studied for a degree whilst being a SAHM of small children AND been expected to still do all the parenting/cleaning etc...

I don't know. That sounds like a lot to get done to me!

[quote CovidSmart]@apooagnuandyou, have you actually studied for a degree whilst being a SAHM of small children AND been expected to still do all the parenting/cleaning etc...[/quote]
Shall I open a book or is the answer too obvious for W Hill to take bets?

CovidSmart

Have I done what?

Having a full time job, a house, 4 kids, AND studying? Yes... like most people around me.

I did specify that it wasn't a "full time student" situation obviously!

I didn't waste so much time on MN then, that's true

[quote CovidSmart]@apooagnuandyou, have you actually studied for a degree whilst being a SAHM of small children AND been expected to still do all the parenting/cleaning etc...[/quote]
I would have loved to be a SAHM and not have to waste so much time of my life earning money to pay the bills, instead of cramming all I could in the evenings, but we all cope as we can.

I think it's unreasonable for you to tell him he's not allowed his hobby because you are studying. Surely him out working is helping to fund that.
I don't think you're at all unreasonable to want to make the work in the house more equal but I don't see how that means he has to give up his D and D nights.
If it's only two nights a week, can you not take two nights a week to study while he gets the kids ready for bed and does any of the laundry etc that needs done? I know you say you have zoom calls that can't be moved but I mean for assignments etc.
Then he has two nights for games, you have two nights for study and that leaves three nights for you both having quality time together.

@cedartree2

Thanks for all the responses.

To clarify, 6am - 8:30am, getting kids breakfast, making their lunches, emptying dishwasher, putting on laundry, chasing them up to eat, get dressed etc and telling one to do piano practice. 8:30am - 9:15 taking them to school and coming home again. 9:15-3pm Go for 20 min walk, doing homework/assignments, also regularly have 2 hour Zoom classes most days in this time. 3-4pm picking up kids and coming home, later some days when they have swimming etc. 4pm-8pm helping kids with homework, emptying school bags and following up school admin, responding to other life admin/paying bills, putting away washing, making dinner, getting kids to have showers and to bed, reading with them both. 8pm onwards - back to try and finish studying, 10pm fall asleep at the desk

I do see how it's busy.

Two things - the major one is where is your DH in the week?

Second thing is that you still do have some fat in your day. It shouldn't take 2.5 hours to get 2 school age children and yourself up and out of the house. Can they not make their own breakfast and get themselves dressed? You should then have an extra 30 mins to do cleaning etc - or for your DH to do it. Making lunches and dinners can also often be done easier in bulk - one of you take that job and then it saves time too. There are more things as well, but you need to share and prioritise when you're both full time.

I don't think the problem is the games nights,. My husband has games night too. On those evenings he is always on a mission to get all the Stuff done (washing up, kids' bedtimes etc) before he starts playing. I basically just enjoy having the TV remote to myself those evenings. He goes out of his way to make sure games night works for me too. I do tend to get up with the kids the next morning but similarly other nights he will do that and treat me to a lie in.

It sounds to me that you (plural) can find time for all your study and all his gaming but it'll need a big re-jig of the day to day chores and admin. Figure out what tasks to drop and what tasks (Eg cooking) can be squeezed into less time. Have 10 mins a day when you all pitch in - one child sweeps the floor, another unpacks the DW, you dust the living room, husband cleans loo and sink - bang, 60 mins' housework achieved in 10.

Designate 2 nights a week to super-quick easy meals. I find batch cooking takes ages, it's usually stuff that needs to be chopped and cooked for a while even if it reheats without much effort. I prefer meals that you can genuinely cook in 15 mins flat - pasta carbonara with salad, pasta and pesto with fried mushrooms and fresh tomatoes, stir fry from one of the mixed veg packs. Chicken ramen made with precooked chicken. A couple of these a week plus pizza night and you significantly reduce the cooking load over a week. Actively squeeze the chores into a smaller window and get your dH to pull his weight more in the morning and evening chore slots.

“ getting kids breakfast, making their lunches, emptying dishwasher, putting on laundry, chasing them up to eat, get dressed etc and telling one to do piano practice.”

I’ve got two at bottom end of primary school. This takes an hour, not two and a half. Maybe an hour and a half if you include time for your own shower and getting ready. I could probably shave some off the after school stuff as well.

But you’ve got 6 hours during the day (minus the walk/lunch), 2 hours in the evening and you want a fairly major slice of the weekend too for study. Did your DH know this was what you/he was signing up for? If you want to treat it as a full time job maybe the alternative is childcare- after school club for example.

It's not unreasonable to expect DH to do more, but it is unreasonable to object to him having 2 nights a week and a monthly day for his hobby. Most adults I know have time to so their hobbies.

When I chose to study, I was working with DC so I don't understand how having the whole school day free, plus evenings means that you then need all weekend to study as well.

It sounds like you're not managing your time effectively and I understand why your DH might be frustrated at being expected to be 'on' all weekend because you want to study.

Sometimes I read these sorts of threads and wonder what sort of daily life admin and parenting DH I forgot to do when I was studying.

What stands out to me is one thing - where is DH while you're up at 6am and not finishing sorting the children until 8pm?

Surely he's not out at work for 14+ hours a day, everyday?

I also think that getting up at 6am is counterproductive. It doesn't take 2.5 hours to get yourself and two school-aged children up and out of the door. Get up at 7am instead, and just focus on getting them dressed, fed and out of the door.

Then, when you get back from the school run, take half an hour to clean up, load the dishwasher, put the laundry on etc. It's much easier and less stressful to do all of that stuff when you're home alone and the kids are off at school.

In the evening slot, realistically, how much school and life admin is there on a daily basis? Surely bills are paid by direct these days?

DH must be around either in the morning or the evening, so why can't he help? You can do say, homework and dinner as you're home earlier, and he can sort showers, bedtime. After bed, he can also make lunches for the next day and put away laundry. You don't need to do everything - so stop it. He's a parent too, so he needs to step up. He can't just opt out.