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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to not want to move to Canada

110 replies

Sjan82 · 25/04/2021 10:47

Dh and I (early 40s) were lucky with good jobs. We kept the jobs floating and focussed heavily on investment returns for the last 15yrs. We are now able to retire early. (Do we have a FIRE group on mumsnet ?)

Dh wants to move to Canada. A couple of our friends moved there and are really happy. His main reasons are : we get to experience new life, our money goes further and kids get access to North American education and job markets (we have a path to citizenship in Canada). He also wants a change I guess. He lost his mom suddenly recently and the push to Canada became stronger after that !

We almost moved last year but cancelled everything last minute as the pandemic hit. Although I broadly agree with him even now, I’m not totally sure. Things bothering me are: We have to uproot the kids. My daughter is in Y8 at a lovely secondary school and made lots of friends. However, We’ve been to Canada on a few holidays and she loves it there. We have family abroad (asia) and they are double travel time away from Canada :(
I quit my job last month and I’m already struggling with withdrawal symptoms. I don’t think DH wants to quit totally either. He has plans to start a Phd program and move into academics. We are thinking we should just pick low stress jobs in smaller towns so we have quick commutes.

Smaller towns was the plan anyway. Can we not achieve it here in the UK? We are currently in the London-Kent border. We can afford a good size house here, but no where close to what we get in Canada for half the money. The money we’ll save on the house is only surplus, it won’t affect our lifestyle or income, but it could be life changing long term if invested for the kids. Dh says “what’s the difference between moving to Leeds vs moving to Canada”. Hmm, I don’t know!

Sorry I sound totally confused, because I am. I was really onboard and enthusiastic about canada move before the pandemic but now think I just want “normal” like everyone else. My normal is (was?) our city jobs, our old house, our lovely child minder, etc. Two years ago, we hated the 1+ hr commute so much we wanted to move!!

What would you do if you were me? Move or stay? We have time until Jan 2022 to move (if we move after that, we won’t have enough time left on our PR to apply for citizenships).

Option A: Canada. Huge house, friends, mountains, great lifestyle, small town, less congestion, shorter commutes to work, new experiences. This involves uprooting the kids and moving even further from family :(

Option B: stay where we are. Get a nice house spending 1/3rd of our net worth. Local friends, familiarity and Europe holidays. Quicker to visit family abroad. This comes with London commute, congestion etc seriously impacting quality of life.

Option C : Move to smaller towns in the UK. Best of both worlds! Dh doesn’t see why this should be preferred over option A :( We visit family aboard only once a year, it’ll only mean 9+ hours of extra flight time once a year.

AIBU to want option B or C ? I don’t know why though. Just familiarity perhaps.

OP posts:
TeenMinusTests · 25/04/2021 10:54

Why not just move to Yorkshire, Wales or Scotland?

Shimmyshimmycocobop · 25/04/2021 11:00

Personally I would go for option C having lived in Canada and now returned to the UK.

We moved in 2007, I was approaching 40, kids were 6 and 3 so I felt we could move again if I didn't settle. The move was driven by exH but we had an agreement that if either of us was not happy we would return.

We had both moved around a lot and I had lived abroad so we thought we were quite adaptable, but maybe at 40 I had become too British and set in my ways as I got very homesick and it got worse as time went on.

We were on the West Coast, so housing was very expensive and grocery bill were eye watering we were no better off despite us both earning a lot more.

I wish we had done what friends of ours had ( who also returned to the UK) they kept their UK home and rented which put them in a better position than us as we had put all our eggs in one basket thinking it was a forever move.

It cost an awful lot of money moving out and coming back, however the kids have really good memories of living there and it has taught me to be happy with what I have and I no longer think the grass is greener elsewhere.

Sjan82 · 25/04/2021 11:11

@Shimmyshimmycocobop if money was not a concern, would you have considered staying back in Canada? Did you enjoy the lifestyle?

OP posts:
Shimmyshimmycocobop · 25/04/2021 11:22

No it wasn't the money as we were as well off as in the UK, you had more in your pay packet but it was taken from you in different ways.

I liked my job and colleagues ( mostly) we had a nice house, kids went to a local school and had a lot of freedom to play outside. We lived next to a creek where they could build dens etc.

I struggled with not feeling connected to the culture or the people, all my friends were expats from different countries. The Canadians we met were friendly and polite it just never went beyond the superficial.
Where we were was conservative and conformist, everyone drove the same car, there was a lot of competitiveness over having the perfect house etc, I felt like I was in an episode of Stepford wives at times but that was possibly the area we were in.

I didn't laugh much and missed my friends and family too much to be so far away from them. All the good bits couldn't compensate me for that.

Catswithflamingos · 25/04/2021 11:26

I’m sorry I totally cannot help but I’m excited to see a FIRE person

Sjan82 · 25/04/2021 11:44

@Shimmyshimmycocobop thank you
@Catswithflamingos hello 👋

OP posts:
KinseyWinsey · 25/04/2021 12:30

I'd move.

Life is about different experiences. And how fortunate for dcs to experience another country. Really opens their eyes to global possibilities.

Can you keep the UK house and rent it out?

KinseyWinsey · 25/04/2021 12:31

And it'll take at least a year before you feel settled in Canada.

jamted · 25/04/2021 12:37

We lived there temporarily and moved back. There are pros and cons and it would suit some people and not others so no, of course YANBU to not want to move.

The pandemic has made me really happy we moved back as my assumption that it would always be easy to visit family and friends (and have them visit us) would obviously not have been the case over the past year and who knows how much longer. So think it's very understandable the pandemic has made you feel more hesitant.

There were things I preferred to here but things I definitely didn't. Things I liked:

Outdoors lifestyle
Lots of natural beauty
People on the whole friendly and welcoming
Diverse and multi-cultural (in our area, would be very different in some places)
Interesting to experience a different culture

Things I didn't:
Climate (again very different in different areas, it's a huge country, but where we were the winters were very cold and the summers very hot and humid. I would joke there were only a couple of weeks a year where the temperature was nice which is a bit of an exaggeration but still)
Architecture/buildings are obviously all fairly new and coming from a historical town in the UK I missed having a mix of really old buildings, history etc.
Where we were out was very much based around everyone driving all the time, sprawling suburbs, out of town shopping malls etc. Being used to be able to leave my house and walk to loads of different amenities within 10 mins I found it frustrating not to be able to do this. Also there are so many great places to visit in the country but again very far apart so long drives or expensive internal flights needed.
Some things are a lot more expensive so make sure you factor that in. Housing can be very expensive eg Vancouver or Toronto or very cheap but things like car insurance, grocery shopping, mobile phone contracts are a lot more expensive.
You're mainly close to Canada and the US for holidays etc which compared with being able to get a cheap flight to loads of different countries and cultures in Europe is a lot less appealing to me.

Overall I would recommend you go for a year or so, rent and see what you think before deciding. It depends massively on where you would be as well as it is such a big country so some of the pros and cons I found would not be relevant elsewhere.

Squirrelblanket · 25/04/2021 12:37

What does FIRE stand for?

PicsInRed · 25/04/2021 12:49

Have you considered the possibility that your marriage could end (many do) and then your kids - and therefore you - would be forced to remain in Canada? If your marriage ended, would you be eligible for a visa in your own right? You could be far from home, your joint friends in Canada may prove to be "his friends" and your family would be very far away.

I note he wants a total career change too. Is he always searching for that new thing which will make everything better? Are you sure Canada will be that thing?

Do you actually want to go?

Beautiful3 · 25/04/2021 13:07

I'd move and try it. If you hate it after 2 years, you can always move back.

Aprilx · 25/04/2021 13:11

@Squirrelblanket

What does FIRE stand for?
I was wondering what that meant too.
MatildaTheCat · 25/04/2021 13:15

We have family in Canada and Asia and they find the travel very onerous and also find the time difference makes it difficult to have chats at ‘normal’ times of day.

Brainwave89 · 25/04/2021 13:17

If you are considering a move to Canada, I do think it is essential to have visited the country in all seasons. I worked out of Toronto for a while, and the Summers are great, but in winter it is really cold and the days can be very short, and folks do not tend to do much besides work and home. The central district had subterranean tunnels so you could walk form street to street without coming up in the cold. Lovely people, great place, but I would not move from the UK to Canada personally.

StylishMummy · 25/04/2021 13:17

FIRE is 'Financially Independent Retire Early'

So a focus on increasing your assets in early working life to allow for early retirement. Lots of planning and clever investment choices mean some people like the OP can retire decades early

PicsInRed · 25/04/2021 13:21

@Beautiful3

I'd move and try it. If you hate it after 2 years, you can always move back.
Legally, if her husband opposed the removal of the children, the OP would not be allowed to take them with her - even if she could not obtain a new visa for herself.

There are some utterly heartbreaking stories of this online, including on mumsnet. There was one British lady in NZ (her and kids moved over with Kiwi husband) with a thread about this some time back, I still wonder whatever happened to her, but no doubt she's still in NZ.

Stillgoings · 25/04/2021 13:27

I would do B. I wouldn't uproot secondary aged kids but I am seriously risk averse

Clymene · 25/04/2021 13:27

@StylishMummy

FIRE is 'Financially Independent Retire Early'

So a focus on increasing your assets in early working life to allow for early retirement. Lots of planning and clever investment choices mean some people like the OP can retire decades early

And be bored out of their tiny minds which is the experience of people I know who've done it with school aged children. I wonder if the OP is going to end up as a bored SAHP while her husband fulfils his academic dreams?
user113424742258631134 · 25/04/2021 13:30

Enjoying somewhere in holiday doesn't mean you'd enjoy living there. The two are not comparable.

Personally, I would focus on tweaking your current life to get the quality of life enhancements you want but without throwing the baby out with the bathwater in terms of the great things you already have (and the advantages of home turf, known culture etc).

I wouldn't move. And I definitely wouldn't uproot my entire life to move to a new country and new culture across an ocean when it was being driven by someone recently bereaved.

It's generally not advised to make major life changes / decisions in the aftermath of a significant bereavement or trauma, as they tend to be poor decisions motivated by a desire to run away from the pain/loss/trauma. They usually say wait at least 12 months.

user113424742258631134 · 25/04/2021 13:34

@Beautiful3

I'd move and try it. If you hate it after 2 years, you can always move back.
Yeh, op can always move back, but not necessarily with the kids.
UserEleventyNine · 25/04/2021 13:45

I'd move and try it. If you hate it after 2 years, you can always move back.

OP's dd is in yr8. Moving again in two years would really mess up her education. Whatever OP decides to do, she'll have to stick with it until dd has finished that stage of her education.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 25/04/2021 13:58

Can you align it with UK years 9-11?.
Rent out there, rent out here.
Middle ground. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.
We had friends who did that with NZ. Realised after 2 years that it wasnt for them, despite it being their dream. Wasnt right for their DD either.
So they came home. Has to sort out short term accommodation once back but were back in their house within 3 months of coming back.

flatsurfandmil · 25/04/2021 14:10

Option C sounds the worst to me - I'd move to Canada, but we're all different. It's hard to base decisions on moving on what other people would do tbh. You have to go with your gut.

Tambora · 25/04/2021 14:15

Some friends of mine live in Canada. They get 10 feet of snow in the winter.