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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding advice needed...

86 replies

BurningRed · 25/04/2021 10:11

I’m aware this is a first world problem..

Getting married in 6 months. My family is being awkward and not helpful so I’ve just left them to it and focused on my future DH’s family who have been wonderful.

Here is my problem. Both of my brothers are refusing to wear their wedding suit on the day. My future DH’s male side of the family plus his best man and my father are but they are refusing. Basically they don’t want to be dictated to/want an excuse to be awkward. It’s black tie so it’s going to look (in my head anyway) strange if they don’t wear black tie too as part of the immediate family. I’d be paying to and I’ve made that clear to them so no expense.

What do I do?

YABU - leave them to it, this is ridiculous to be concerned about
YANBU - your wedding, your rules. Tell them what for.

Thanks everyone!

OP posts:
user1487194234 · 25/04/2021 10:13

I think YABU,guests at a wedding should be able to wear what they want

Atalantea · 25/04/2021 10:16

Well they don't have to attend do they?

Why don't they want to wear it?

Basically they don’t want to be dictated to/want an excuse to be awkward.

spanieleyes · 25/04/2021 10:18

Do they have a role to play in the wedding-usher or something? If so, they are being unreasonable, if not, you are!

PermanentTemporary · 25/04/2021 10:18

Tbh I would try to let go of dress codes and of how it will look completely, except for yourself. I would only be happy with being told what to wear at a wedding if I were a bridesmaid, and my only experience of that wasn't very enjoyable - bride chose a colour and style which suited neither of us.

I can well believe your relatives are just being awkward to annoy you but there's no way to win on that unless you let go of expectations of them.

MrsSprogett · 25/04/2021 10:18

Are they just guests or do they have an official role at your wedding?

PrelovedWithValue · 25/04/2021 10:18

Let them wear what they want. This isn't worth stressing over. If it looks odd, it's them that looks out of place and not you.

Honestly, life is too short to worry about what other people wear, even if it is to your wedding. If someone was wearing a wedding dress, that would be worth the hassle. This, not so much.

Original poster
BurningRed · 25/04/2021 10:18

They both, at their weddings, refused to wear a tie/proper suit...

There is a long history of being awkward for the sake of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
BurningRed · 25/04/2021 10:19

@MrsSprogett guests. This was my thinking too. Limited photographs of them if they don’t play ball?

OP posts:
Eloiseifyouplease · 25/04/2021 10:19

I put YANBU but that's on the assumption that they're part of your wedding party and will have duties on the day, and that the rest of your guests will be able to wear what they want.

How many people will be at the wedding and are you asking them all to follow a dress code?

Eloiseifyouplease · 25/04/2021 10:21

Sorry cross posted.

I think if they have a habit of being awkward and will make a fuss about anything, let it go. You want to enjoy the lead up to your wedding and focusing on this will stress you out and resent them even more when you look back on this time and how it made you feel.

Sosigsandwich · 25/04/2021 10:21

Will there be other guests or will they stand out as not matching?

Scarby9 · 25/04/2021 10:22

Have one photo where the photographer shouts 'Everyone in the requested dress code!'?

Original poster
BurningRed · 25/04/2021 10:22

@Eloiseifyouplease 60-70 day guests. These are two of them.

I’m at the point of giving up. Why are family so stressful?! I’ve just stopped telling them/involving them at all. Thank goodness I’m marrying into a supportive family.

OP posts:
WouldBeGood · 25/04/2021 10:22

I don’t think YABU.

There a big difference to being told what to wear, and to refuse to abide by a perfectly normal dress code. That’s just rude.

Original poster
BurningRed · 25/04/2021 10:22

No other dress code. Only immediate male family members.

OP posts:
GraduallyWatermelon · 25/04/2021 10:23

It's a black tie event. They wouldn't be let into another black tie event without black tie and suit so why is your wedding any different?

Original poster
BurningRed · 25/04/2021 10:23

@Scarby9 this is EXACTLY something I’d do. Grin

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 25/04/2021 10:24

So they are not part of the wedding party as such.. they are just guests and you want to tell them what they can wear?? No. No you cant tell grown adults what to wear. 🤣

Lockheart · 25/04/2021 10:26

@user1487194234

I think YABU,guests at a wedding should be able to wear what they want
Sure, as long as it's in line with the dress code, and the dress code is black tie.

OP I sympathise as I have a brother who is an inveterate scruff. I put up with getting turned away from nice restaurants / bars because he's wearing trainers, or the whole family has to eat in the garden rather than in the dining room of the hotel because he's insisted on wearing a hoodie (he's 31 for Christ's sake, I love a hoodie as much as the next person but they're not appropriate for a posh Mother's Day Sunday lunch out).

I've already made it clear to him that if I ever get married he's either properly dressed or he's not coming. He can do that for me for one day, the rest of the time he can look as scruffy as he likes.

It really depends on how your relationship is and whether it's worth the hassle.

PembrokeshireDreaming · 25/04/2021 10:26

If they didn't wear a tie for their own weddings why do you think are going to for yours? Surely you knew this when you set a dress code, you must have anticipated that this would be an issue?

NothingIcando · 25/04/2021 10:26

No other dress code. Only immediate male family members
Fuck that..unless I've agreed to take part in the wedding then I dont need to wear anything specific. They are guests,they wear what they please. You do not get to dictate.

KarmaStar · 25/04/2021 10:27

Yanbu at all its a very special day and they should be supporting you.
Don't put them on the top table....find them a naughty table in the corner!😀

Lockheart · 25/04/2021 10:27

@Notimeforaname

So they are not part of the wedding party as such.. they are just guests and you want to tell them what they can wear?? No. No you cant tell grown adults what to wear. 🤣
No but you can ask them to abide by a dress code. It's not such an uncommon concept. Lots of places won't admit you if you're not wearing shoes or a shirt, for instance.
Original poster
BurningRed · 25/04/2021 10:27

So ... just to make it clear.

Black tie optional for guests. Male and female.

But for immediate male family members and best men, we’ve said black tie and we will pay.

Hope this helps, sorry if I wasn’t clear.

OP posts:
fellrunner85 · 25/04/2021 10:28

They're guests?! No, you can't tell them what to wear. At all. It makes you sound bonkers that you'd even consider that was a reasonable thing to do.

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