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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding advice needed...

86 replies

BurningRed · 25/04/2021 10:11

I’m aware this is a first world problem..

Getting married in 6 months. My family is being awkward and not helpful so I’ve just left them to it and focused on my future DH’s family who have been wonderful.

Here is my problem. Both of my brothers are refusing to wear their wedding suit on the day. My future DH’s male side of the family plus his best man and my father are but they are refusing. Basically they don’t want to be dictated to/want an excuse to be awkward. It’s black tie so it’s going to look (in my head anyway) strange if they don’t wear black tie too as part of the immediate family. I’d be paying to and I’ve made that clear to them so no expense.

What do I do?

YABU - leave them to it, this is ridiculous to be concerned about
YANBU - your wedding, your rules. Tell them what for.

Thanks everyone!

OP posts:
UCOinanOCG · 25/04/2021 10:29

I would hate to be dictated to about what I could and couldn't wear as a wedding guest. If they are not part of the immediate wedding party let them wear what they want. Surely them being there is more important than a suit?

Original poster
BurningRed · 25/04/2021 10:29

@PembrokeshireDreaming both have been at other weddings and abided by dress code given Shock

OP posts:
NothingIcando · 25/04/2021 10:30

People are fucking insane this makes me cringe. It's a wedding.
A meal and drinks...and everything (and everyone) needs to be controlled and dressed to the last detail. Its truly embarrassing watching wedding folk run around stressed,talking about demands and who 'wont play ball' . It's one poxy day Grinthe sheer cringe. Blush

Original poster
BurningRed · 25/04/2021 10:30

More info...

Both have sons. Both of these wearing the assigned outfits as page boys...

OP posts:
UCOinanOCG · 25/04/2021 10:31

@BurningRed

So ... just to make it clear.

Black tie optional for guests. Male and female.

But for immediate male family members and best men, we’ve said black tie and we will pay.

Hope this helps, sorry if I wasn’t clear.

You can say black tie all you like but if they don't want to wear it you can't make them. They have bodily autonomy and can make that choice. You could tell them not to come but that seems a bit much for the sake of a suit. It seems very bridezilla to me.
HerMammy · 25/04/2021 10:31

Your brothers sound like a pair of selfish dicks, Married adult men who can’t make an effort for one day for their own sister, but you’ve said they didn’t make any effort for their own wives 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lockheart · 25/04/2021 10:31

I'm surprised at the amount of people saying "you can't dictate what they wear!!".

It's a dress code. It's a normal concept.

Your office tells you what to wear.

Certain hotels / bars / restaurants tell you what to wear.

If you attend certain kinds of parties you'll be told what to wear.

It's not an outrageous imposition. If you don't want to abide by the dress code then don't go.

Original poster
BurningRed · 25/04/2021 10:32

@NothingIcando thanks for your opinion.

I’m remarkably relaxed about my day itself. Surprisingly so. If they won’t play ball, it’s simple, that’s up to them. But it’s not about the wedding and more about their ability to constantly have to be ‘one up’ against another family member. Any excuse to be awkward!

OP posts:
ShutUpAlex · 25/04/2021 10:33

Do you mean they won’t wear a suit at all, not a suit that you’ve picked for them?

In that case yanbu. Wtf goes to a wedding and doesn’t wear a suit?

Aprilx · 25/04/2021 10:33

@BurningRed

So ... just to make it clear.

Black tie optional for guests. Male and female.

But for immediate male family members and best men, we’ve said black tie and we will pay.

Hope this helps, sorry if I wasn’t clear.

I think your brothers should wear what you ask as a courtesy, but I also am not sure about setting a dress code specifically for male family members that are not part of the wedding party. Why just male, I find that a bit annoying to be honest.
DPotter · 25/04/2021 10:33

Would a bit of reverse psychology help? Along the lines of - 'I'm expecting the brothers to turn up wearing cut down shorts, string vests with baseball caps and flipflops. Will look brilliant in the photos'

If not - please don't stress. It's a minor detail in the day and will not in any way effect the course of your marriage

Original poster
BurningRed · 25/04/2021 10:34

And for those commenting on ‘bridezilla’ tendencies...

If they show up wearing a hoodie - it’s fine. I just think whatever ultimately. But genuinely in my head, I cannot understand why, for one day, you wouldn’t pop on a pre paid suit for your sister...

Bizarre comments.

OP posts:
PrelovedWithValue · 25/04/2021 10:35

It's a dress code. It's a normal concept

Yes, but it is a dress code that is optional for guests. And they don't appear to be in the wedding party so are, in effect, guests.

Not worth getting worked up about imo. But if people want to take on extra stress in advance of their wedding, that's an option they can choose.

Motnight · 25/04/2021 10:35

They sound awkward, Op. But if they wouldn't wear black tie to their own wedding why on earth did you think that they would for your's?

Notimeforaname · 25/04/2021 10:36

No fucking way. Optional for all guests except the males of the family. Nope. This is really lame. It's a wedding.

And you're desperate to get your brothers to do what you say. You're a grown woman. They are grown men. They will wear what they like with all the other guests who opt out of black tie.

Do weddings just make people like this..or do you have to be a control freak beforehand?

courtrai · 25/04/2021 10:37

I sympathise- I've 2 brothers who are equally awkward. They don't have to wear black tie but you would ultimately hope that, given it's their sisters wedding day, they'd act like reasonable grown-ups and just do as they were asked. It's not an unreasonable request in my opinion

baldafrique · 25/04/2021 10:37

I think its utterly appalling. So selfish of them, it's your wedding day ffs. They seem to give no shits that you would be upset by this. Why do they need this lebel of control? It seems nasty. Having said that maybe I'm influenced by the fact my dad has always said he would never do a speech if I got married or walk me down the aisle Shock So I've never had a wedding as the whole thing would be embarrassing as people would wonder why and what would I say!

TaraR2020 · 25/04/2021 10:38

Let it go, its not worth the agro..

baldafrique · 25/04/2021 10:39

I think it's more than 'awkwardness'...they're being deliberately obstructive. Do they generally get on with you? Why a power play from them?

PrelovedWithValue · 25/04/2021 10:40

But it’s not about the wedding and more about their ability to constantly have to be ‘one up’ against another family member. Any excuse to be awkward!

Which is exactly why you shouldn't make a big deal of it. If you make a big deal of it, they are getting the attention they are looking for. Tell them that you are happy to be saving the money on the suits, as the ones for (other family members) are turnng out to be more expensive than you expected. That might change their mind...

Notimeforaname · 25/04/2021 10:40

But genuinely in my head, I cannot understand why, for one day, you wouldn’t pop on a pre paid suit for your sister
Then you must be able to understand that,genuinely,some cannot understand why ,for one day,clothes have to be such a big deal.

As you say they didn't do it for their own wedding,so leave them be.

baldafrique · 25/04/2021 10:42

Prob better to save the money tho rather than pay out for suits for family members who dont seem to give a shit about your day or feelings!

Angrypregnantlady · 25/04/2021 10:43

They're guests. Let them wear what they want. They didn't wear it to their own weddings so it sounds like they don't feel comfortable in it rather than just trying to be awkward. Why would you want two of your closest family members to be uncomfortable all day.

I couldn't tell you what my brothers wore to my wedding. It was entirely irrelevant.

Just focus on planning a wedding you'll enjoy, not that look aestheticly pleasing in photographs. The choreographed photos aren't the ones you treasure anyway. It's the ones of you and your loved ones enjoying themselves.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 25/04/2021 10:44

Surprised you're getting such a hard time with the responses so far. Dress codes at weddings are the norm to me, and it's rude to go against them.

I remember one wedding I went to and the bride's brother was similair to yours, he wore a polo neck and joggers. It did look strange with everyone else in suits and she was a bit gutted about the family photos.

YANBU

Notimeforaname · 25/04/2021 10:44

Prob better to save the money tho rather than pay out for suits for family members who dont seem to give a shit about your day or feelings! 🤣🤣🤣
Grown adult never wears a certain type of clothing = not giving a shit about your feelings'' 🤣what are we,5?