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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding advice needed...

86 replies

BurningRed · 25/04/2021 10:11

I’m aware this is a first world problem..

Getting married in 6 months. My family is being awkward and not helpful so I’ve just left them to it and focused on my future DH’s family who have been wonderful.

Here is my problem. Both of my brothers are refusing to wear their wedding suit on the day. My future DH’s male side of the family plus his best man and my father are but they are refusing. Basically they don’t want to be dictated to/want an excuse to be awkward. It’s black tie so it’s going to look (in my head anyway) strange if they don’t wear black tie too as part of the immediate family. I’d be paying to and I’ve made that clear to them so no expense.

What do I do?

YABU - leave them to it, this is ridiculous to be concerned about
YANBU - your wedding, your rules. Tell them what for.

Thanks everyone!

OP posts:

PurBal · 25/04/2021 10:44

Still can't work out if they're guests or ushers (or in some other way involved).

baldafrique · 25/04/2021 10:44

@Notimeforaname
Do you think they sound like they care about the OP?!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 25/04/2021 10:44

Easy! Sideline them. I guess you can't uninvite them!

You seem to have understood them well enough, they value their own opinions over anything else. So value your own.

Such threads always have a weird polemic - fuck that. Any tradition, normal thing, is controlling, unfair, we should all be able to do as we like and then Well, it's a wedding, it's perfectly normal!

Presumably the first cohort think the second is permanently hoodwinked, acquiescent, 'sheeple' even and the second looks at the first and is a bit embarrassed by and for them!

The two will never agree!

Thecatsawinner · 25/04/2021 10:45

You knew that they would be awkward, leave them be. Don’t mention it again, then if they turn up not in black tie, when everyone else is then they will look foolish.

Angrypregnantlady · 25/04/2021 10:45

Also, I don't think it's a power play for an adult to refuse to allow another adult to dictate what they wear.

I'd actually consider it a power play, and rather controlling, for an adult to tell another adult what to wear.

Perhaps what you consider as them being awkward. Is what they consider as you being controlling?

BeneathYourWisdom · 25/04/2021 10:45

I don’t think it’s realistic to dictate what they wear if they have form for not doing so.

Echobelly · 25/04/2021 10:46

I think this is a 'pick your battles' situation, and it's not one worth picking IMO - on the day you honestly won't care, but you will care if there's stress and misery about it in the run up.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 25/04/2021 10:46

Dress codes for a wedding being compared to being controlling 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

mrstea301 · 25/04/2021 10:46

I would just leave them to it, there's no point stressing yourself out over it. On the day, it's them that's going to look odd and out of place it's not a reflection on you. Everyone has families that are a bit awkward. You probably won't even notice on the day!! It's honestly not worth the aggro, maybe they're trying to get a bit of a reaction out of you, but just don't give them it!!

Theunamedcat · 25/04/2021 10:47

I would be inclined to tell them not to bother coming if they are going to be awkward fir the sake of it and just disengage from them any comments from them just reply that's nice dear or ignore

baldafrique · 25/04/2021 10:47

What are they likely to wear, out of interest? Will they still wear something appropriate eg a smart suit?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 25/04/2021 10:47

@Angrypregnantlady

Also, I don't think it's a power play for an adult to refuse to allow another adult to dictate what they wear.

I'd actually consider it a power play, and rather controlling, for an adult to tell another adult what to wear.

Perhaps what you consider as them being awkward. Is what they consider as you being controlling?

It's a wedding! They tend to be unusual days. All sorts of odd traditions and expectations. Most people accept that and play along, it's an occasion, a day out. Those who value being and individual over everything else tend to spout weird bollocks about control!

fellrunner85 · 25/04/2021 10:47

I can't quite comprehend why you're having this conversation with them and creating angst for yourself. You say you're not a Bridezilla but, six months before the wedding, you're stressing about a dress code for people not even in the wedding party?!
I mean, I didn't even ask my brother, BIL, or my dad what they were wearing to my wedding. I just assumed they'd show up in something vaguely appropriate, and they did...

baldafrique · 25/04/2021 10:47

@Hobnobsandbroomstick I know

MrsSprogett · 25/04/2021 10:48

Ah OK, they sound very immature that they can't do this one thing for you for one day, it's not like you are asking for anything unusual, but I'd let it go and limit the photos they are in. You are not being a bridezilla at all.
I hope you have a lovely day,

MatildaTheCat · 25/04/2021 10:48

Is one of your brothers Dominic Cummings? If so YANBU. If they are normal people who will wear suits and look smart let it go. It is a bit unreasonable to insist on something that they presumably think they will feel uncomfortable in.

minniemomo · 25/04/2021 10:48

If they don't play ball they aren't part of the wedding party only regular guests. I do think stipulating black tie is ott for anyone not actually taking part in the ceremony

Original poster

BurningRed · 25/04/2021 10:51

@fellrunner85 I’m in the process of ordering the suits... that’s what you tend to do six months before.

It’s fine. They’ll turn up wearing whatever. Up to them. I just wouldn’t behave like that on someone’s big day especially when both of their sons are part of the wedding party as page boys wearing little tuxs. I fail to see how that is controlling or bridezilla behaviour...

OP posts:

Notimeforaname · 25/04/2021 10:52

baldafrique

@Notimeforaname
Do you think they sound like they care about the OP?!

🤣🤣🤣 stop it. Stop it its clothes. They dont ever wear these things anyway... its not done on purpose for op.
I dont wear dresses, ever...they're extremely uncomfortable for me.
If I was told to wear one for an event I would flat out refuse..it has nothing to do with my feelings towards those running the event. It's like op believes they are doing this purely to make things awkward for her!

lurker101 · 25/04/2021 10:55

Honestly, if they’re this difficult and you force them to wear it, they’ll just cause other drama at the wedding. I would not bother any further and make sure your photographer knows to place them on the end of any photos so that if you want to crop them out of some pictures you can.

baldafrique · 25/04/2021 10:55

@Notimeforaname
"Stop it, stop it" 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Notimeforaname · 25/04/2021 10:57

thebabessavedme · 25/04/2021 10:57

I will come at this from another angle - I take it that OP is having to hire these suits because the brothers dont actually own a dinner jacket? and dont wear suits of any sort on a regular basis?, IME hired suits are the pits, they dont fit properly, the men in them look uncomfortable because they are wearing clothes that are not their own and look pretty naff.
My own 2 brothers were ordered to wear dinner jackets by my sil, frankly they looked like the Kray twins, particuarly when photographed leaning against the wedding car .

Hughbert · 25/04/2021 10:57

I would feel like a right twat wearing black tie in the middle of the day. I'd feel like the (female equivalent) of the butler if everyone else is just wearing regular wedding attire. However, your wedding, your weird rules.

baldafrique · 25/04/2021 10:58

Kray twins amazing!

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