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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD involved with older man

99 replies

boomhiss · 23/04/2021 06:00

My 20 year old DD has fallen for a man who lives in our village. He's at least twice her age, divorced and single-parenting two teenage DS. (For context, I'm also divorced and single-parenting. We live overseas.) Both of his kids are "troubled" and my DS used to hang out with the older boy. They live in our village and are acquaintances of ours.

Obviously, like everyone else, my DD is starved for social contact. She's been going to a nearby café for months, chatting with the locals, all of whom are much older. Social distancing, masks of course. In the last few weeks, she's been a bit distant and preoccupied. Today I found her in tears and eventually she confessed that she's overwhelmed by her feelings for this man. She's a beautiful young woman, intelligent and sensible. She's been in a couple of relationships but never developed strong feelings for anyone until now.

She's adamant that nothing has happened, no sex, not even a kiss or hand-holding, mostly because of Covid but also because she feels he's too old for her. But now she's considering taking it further.

I'm inwardly shocked and angry with this man for "leading her on". But she's an adult and should be allowed to make her own choices. Yet I want to give this man hell. AIBU?

OP posts:

Shelddd · 23/04/2021 06:12

A 20 year old girl is giving him attention, he is single of course he is going to welcome it. That's just biology, sorry I know that isn't a popular opinion here.

I would direct your energy towards your daughter. This screams daddy issues. Is her dad involved at all? I wonder how it would go if you pointed out that this is coming from lack of time with her father (if that's the case) it might be enough to gross her out and turn her off of him. Not really sure, but I do think you need to intervene before this turns into some weird kink and she starts pursuing older men exclusively.

Mumdiva99 · 23/04/2021 06:19

Is he even interested in her? Or does she just have a crush on him? It's unclear from your post if there is any reciprocation.

nancywhitehead · 23/04/2021 06:20

Can you tell us anything more about the man? There's no information about what kind of person he is other than his age and the fact that he has teenage children.

The fact that he is twice her age in itself is not something to worry about. She is 20 and so is an adult, and lots of women in their twenties will have a fling with an older man. That doesn't mean there isn't anything to worry about, but what is the guy actually like? Have you met him?

nancywhitehead · 23/04/2021 06:23

I also have issues with the word "troubled" to describe kids. What do you mean by that? How does this impact on your worries about the guy? Is he "troubled"?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 23/04/2021 06:26

@Mumdiva99

Is he even interested in her? Or does she just have a crush on him? It's unclear from your post if there is any reciprocation.

That's what ibthought too. What does she mean by "take it further"?

NeverRTFT · 23/04/2021 06:41

YourDD is clearly distressed about the situation. Sounds like she feels a bit out of control. That's a big red flag.
Not enough details in your post to speculate but you clearly feel uneasy or you wouldn't have posted about it. Go with your gut (and hers).
You may not be able to rationalise what's wrong. However instead of analysing the situation just think about what you can do to protect DD.
Some relationships are complex and he might be manipulating her feelings in subtle ways so you'll never quite get it.
But your alarm bells are ringing so you need to do something.

Original poster

boomhiss · 23/04/2021 06:42

I know him but not very well. We've chatted
about our respective DS a few times. He's good-looking but nothing special IMO. His personality is a bit meh. He owns and runs a successful restaurant downtown. But DD thinks he's amazing, that he understands her quirks, has the same sense of humour, that they could be so happy together. She sees him simply as a man, that his age would be irrelevant were it not for how other people would judge them. And they would. Like many villages, especially since Covid, gossiping has become a pastime. There's even a very active FB page. What's really creepy to me is that his DS and my DC know each other socially. He claims to be 40 but he's probably quite a bit older.

Her father is an abusive a*#ehole so yes, there's the absent father element. She knows this but I guess the heart wants what it wants.

OP posts:

drpet49 · 23/04/2021 06:45

* My 20 year old DD has fallen for a man who lives in our village. He's at least twice her age, divorced and single-parenting two teenage DS.*

^Urgh a man in his 40a with a 20 year old. Creepy and yuck.

rainbowthoughts · 23/04/2021 06:49

So he hasn't actually done anything and she just fancies him?

OnlyInYourDreams · 23/04/2021 06:52

Tbh it doesn’t sound as if this man has made any moves on your DD. Saying she thinks they “could be amazing together” sounds to me as if she has a crush on a man she so happens to have been chatting to and who she gets on with.

It’s entirely ok for someone to talk to someone who is younger than him without it being creepy.

Besides which, your DD is an adult. She has to make her own decisions. Even if this man was interested in her, and it doesn’t sound as if he is, it’s not for you to go round saying anything. And if he’s not and you say something to him then your DD is going to be made to look like a fool.

DoingItMyself · 23/04/2021 06:52

Bolster your dd the best you can, remind her that she's precious and lovely, but keep out of her sex life. If you can, talk to her about how important it is she doesn't tie herself down to a baby for a few years yet. She is old enough to choose to shag an older man and move on. Never mind him and what he might get out of it, or how it might look to other people. Let her live her life. It's not necessarily about her dad! I had an affair with an older man at her age. It was nice but became boring and I moved on. She'll be fine.

WisteriaWisdom · 23/04/2021 06:53

@drpet49

* My 20 year old DD has fallen for a man who lives in our village. He's at least twice her age, divorced and single-parenting two teenage DS.*

^Urgh a man in his 40a with a 20 year old. Creepy and yuck.

Not really very helpful!

Original poster

boomhiss · 23/04/2021 06:53

As far as I know, they're "just good friends" so lots of chatting. But I think he should have set boundaries in his approach right from the start. DD isn't the type to fall for someone without a lot of encouragement.

OP posts:

rainbowthoughts · 23/04/2021 06:55

@boomhiss

What boundaries exactly do you think an adult should be setting for another adult in a situation where they 'chat'?

rainbowthoughts · 23/04/2021 06:56

I also have a 20 year old, she is responsible for setting her own boundaries, we don't lay that on other people here.

Whatwouldscullydo · 23/04/2021 06:56

What's actually going on with them?

If uts just a crush and nothing happening or going to happen you can just ride it out.

If they are together it then its a different story

I would say just be there for her. Don't lecture don't point out all the ways he's wrong for her. She won't listen and you will just push her towards him and she won't wanna hear " I told you so" so will stay way after she's discovered its a huge mistake.

Just make sure she's aware of what constitutes a healthy relationship. And how to recognise arouse or unhealthy dependency.

As someone who dated a 36 year old at 21 this will he a disaster. For all the reasons you are probably thinking.

CandyLeBonBon · 23/04/2021 07:01

Unless there's evidence that she's vulnerable and he's grooming her I don't really see the issue. You haven't said if he's made any moves on her so from your posts it all sounds pretty one sided, I.e. your DD.

I mean you COULD go up to him and ask him what his intentions are but I doubt your daughter would thank you for it and you'd probably look a bit controlling.

And what do you mean by 'troubled' exactly? That phrase smacks of judgement?

OnlyInYourDreams · 23/04/2021 07:03

Exactly what boundaries should he be setting?

It’s not inappropriate for an adult to talk to another adult you know...

readingismycardio · 23/04/2021 07:03

He might as well just be friendly and polite, I don't think he is a creep. The age difference per se doesn't bother me that much as the fact that he has children almost her age.

bonfireheart · 23/04/2021 07:05

If someone on MN or a real life friend was interested in someone twice their age, MN would say "not a good idea" I've actually seen numerous threads like that.
But when someone says it's their DS/DD the answer is "they're an adult, leave them to it" as though at the stroke of midnight when they turn 18 you should no longer have any involvement/opinion about them and suddenly they are old enough to make sensible decisions.
I would personally tell this man to stay away from upset and vulnerable young woman.

Original poster

boomhiss · 23/04/2021 07:06

DD has epilepsy and a brain injury, which is why she still lives at home. She's had a very sheltered upbringing, lots of hospitalisations and takes a shedload of medication, including ADs. I tend to be overprotective.

She's cried herself to sleep but had a massive seizure just beforehand. I've never seen her so upset.

Sorry if I was drip feeding. Her condition didn't seem relevant when I posted.

OP posts:

rainbowthoughts · 23/04/2021 07:07

@bonfireheart

If someone on MN or a real life friend was interested in someone twice their age, MN would say "not a good idea" I've actually seen numerous threads like that. But when someone says it's their DS/DD the answer is "they're an adult, leave them to it" as though at the stroke of midnight when they turn 18 you should no longer have any involvement/opinion about them and suddenly they are old enough to make sensible decisions. I would personally tell this man to stay away from upset and vulnerable young woman.

No, it's still not a good idea. I would absolutely talk to my DD. OP seems to be putting the responsibility to not this man though. Without any real reason it seems.

rainbowthoughts · 23/04/2021 07:08

@boomhiss

She's cried herself to sleep but had a massive seizure just beforehand. I've never seen her so upset.

Sorry if I was drip feeding. Her condition didn't seem relevant when I posted.

Myra, that's really relevant. It's the opposite to how you portrayed her in your OP.

Why has she cried herself to sleep? You haven't actually said what has happened.

rainbowthoughts · 23/04/2021 07:08

Myra? YEAH

SamanthaVimes · 23/04/2021 07:09

YABU to get involved or speak to him. Your daughter is an adult and needs to manage this herself. You can advise her not to get in too deep but you can’t control what she does.

For what it’s worth I had a fling with a similar age gap when I was her age and I look back on it fondly. It was never going anywhere but was fun while it lasted.

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