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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD involved with older man

99 replies

boomhiss · 23/04/2021 06:00

My 20 year old DD has fallen for a man who lives in our village. He's at least twice her age, divorced and single-parenting two teenage DS. (For context, I'm also divorced and single-parenting. We live overseas.) Both of his kids are "troubled" and my DS used to hang out with the older boy. They live in our village and are acquaintances of ours.

Obviously, like everyone else, my DD is starved for social contact. She's been going to a nearby café for months, chatting with the locals, all of whom are much older. Social distancing, masks of course. In the last few weeks, she's been a bit distant and preoccupied. Today I found her in tears and eventually she confessed that she's overwhelmed by her feelings for this man. She's a beautiful young woman, intelligent and sensible. She's been in a couple of relationships but never developed strong feelings for anyone until now.

She's adamant that nothing has happened, no sex, not even a kiss or hand-holding, mostly because of Covid but also because she feels he's too old for her. But now she's considering taking it further.

I'm inwardly shocked and angry with this man for "leading her on". But she's an adult and should be allowed to make her own choices. Yet I want to give this man hell. AIBU?

OP posts:

CandyLeBonBon · 23/04/2021 08:19

@boomhiss

No, she doesn't have learning difficulties apart from memorisation and is a little slower to process information than she was pre-op. There's nothing in her behaviour or appearance that indicates brain injury. He knows all about her epilepsy and failed neurosurgery, which is information she rarely shares.

She's upset because she finally admitted her feelings about him to me. She's conflicted because of the age difference and I gently and calmly told her my opinion. I explained that the decision is hers because she's an adult but that I don't feel that dating him would be wise. At all. And I gave her my reasons.

But she's so unhappy and I can't bear it for her! Which is why I name-changed and posted here.

But all of that supposed that these feelings are reciprocated. So far, nothing you've said suggests that it is. Her best bet is to steer clear of him if this is, as a PP suggested, limerence.

We've all been there op. I honestly don't know what else you think you need to do in this situation?

Mittens030869 · 23/04/2021 08:32

But all of that supposed that these feelings are reciprocated. So far, nothing you've said suggests that it is. Her best bet is to steer clear of him if this is, as a PP suggested, limerence.

^I agree with this. He might be just enjoying chatting with her. And even if he is taken with her, it doesn’t follow that he’ll do anything about it.

PinkPlantCase · 23/04/2021 08:39

Very long game but I’d worry that if DD did get into a relationship with him she wouldn’t focus at all on her own education and career. Could you help her focus a bit more on what she wants for the future?

Is she in college or likely to leave soon for university?

scoobydoo1971 · 23/04/2021 08:43

Lockdown is lifting. Time for you to get your daughter busy outside the immediate community. Support groups, classes, interests with new people, younger people etc. It is easy to get obsessive about an older person in the current circumstances, and perhaps she has low self esteem due to her medical conditions (I had self confidence issues due to my medical situation in my 20's until I learned to love myself a bit more). Even if she does eventbrite zoom events, it distracts her from this man. He would be a loser to target her and doesn't sound like the best track record. You have every right to be concerned. If you come down hard, she may rebel and run off with him. A gentle balancing act required to show her there is more to her life than a middle aged man with a complicated history.

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 23/04/2021 08:45

He's shown no signs that he's interested and in all honesty probably isn't. Chances are he's just being nice because he knows her history and sees her as vulnerable.

If she's getting hysterical to the point that it's bringing on seizures then I'd be a lot more concerned over her mental health than her relationships tbh. I think she's coming to terms with the effects of her op and the changes that has brought. She's probably feeling very different to her peers right now........ Of you want to help her push her towards seeking counselling and support for her mental health.

MMMarmite · 23/04/2021 08:47

Seems like a good social life with people her own age would be the best remedy, to take her mind off him. Is that possible at the moment, given covid?

Ultimately though I think you need to let her make her own decisions, and try not to judge or panic. (Just ensure she has access to contraceptives). In my late 20s I dated someone old enough to be my father. The whole situation was a bit weird in retrospect, and I'm sure was linked to some issues I was subconsciously working through. But although my friends raised an eyebrow at the time, it's done me no long term harm. Never told my parents though!

Original poster

boomhiss · 23/04/2021 08:55

On reflection, I think I've been naive in believing there's been no touching or kissing between them. DD would never have this intense of an emotional reaction without a lot of encouragement from a man. She's pragmatic on every level - serious about her university studies and her part-time job, her friends, her health... She's had previous relationships (3) but hasn't been that bothered. She told me she's never been in love or had any overwhelming feelings for anyone before. She doesn't think she's in love now but hates how much these feelings hurt.

OP posts:

Angrypregnantlady · 23/04/2021 08:57

His age isn't what concerns me. She doesn't seem to want this relationship but doesn't know how to get out of it. That's the worrying bit. All you can do is give her the tools to follow what she wants, whether that upsets people or not.

wizzywig · 23/04/2021 08:58

He gets her quirks because he has kids of a similar age.

Pollypocket89 · 23/04/2021 09:00

If she's not impaired in any way apart from what you've said, in the nicest possible way, you've got to keep out of it, it's her private business

Tigertigertigertiger · 23/04/2021 09:03

Please would you answer the question that has been asked many times .

Has this man reciprocated in any way ?

Tigertigertigertiger · 23/04/2021 09:03

And not just based on your assumptions

HoneyRose87 · 23/04/2021 09:04

I’m a bit confused, so they are just friends but she is a bit infatuated by him but you said he has shown no intentions of dating her. If so, then I can’t see the problem.
If her Dad has been absent (I know you said he was abusive) it may be the lack of father figure that she is craving.

HoneyRose87 · 23/04/2021 09:06

@Tigertigertigertiger

Please would you answer the question that has been asked many times .

Has this man reciprocated in any way ?

OP said he has no intention of dating her, so I assume the feelings aren’t reciprocated.

Meowchickameowmeow · 23/04/2021 09:07

Yet I want to give this man hell

For what exactly? Your daughter sounds overly dramatic about the whole thing and yet it's really unclear what's actually happened. Has he even shown any interest in her other than friendly chats with other people present?

NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 23/04/2021 09:08

She sounds a very sensible young lady, in both senses of the word. She needs to vent, so let her. If she asks for advice then give it but otherwise just listen.

If you treat this as an affair waiting to happen you may influence her to see that as a realistic outcome.

Original poster

boomhiss · 23/04/2021 09:08

I don't know what's gone on between them. I didn't ask and she didn't say.

OP posts:

TimeForTeaAndG · 23/04/2021 09:09

Just because she's never had intense feelings before doesn't mean that she can't ever have intense feelings for someone. Lockdown and limited social contact could just have intensified her feelings to the point she is now at.

She has said nothing has happened, so you'll just have to believe her and guide her through her feelings. How often do she see him, can she avoid being there for a week or so to give herself some space?

Youve not said how they are in contact, face to face only? Text, calls?

LilacTwine · 23/04/2021 09:09

FWIW at least she has talked to you and feels like she can trust you/ that you're on her side. With lockdown lifting her world will open up again. You have told her your thoughts when she asked you and you've possibly said what she wanted or needed to hear, hence the tears. You don't know what's going to happen next but I suspect it won't go very far - it's too complicated, she's too young, she has other things in her life that will feel less difficult.

rainbowthoughts · 23/04/2021 09:16

@boomhiss

I don't know what's gone on between them. I didn't ask and she didn't say.

This is just odd. She cried herself to sleep over telling you she likes a man but you didn't take it as an opportunity to talk it over with her?

provencegal · 23/04/2021 09:18

It is actually more common than you think. My dd fancies her maths teacher (51) like mad. Are you sure that it is not your reaction that is upsetting her?

Maybe she is happy with the friendship, maybe it has or will go further, but she is 20, she can do as she pleases.

Why not suggest a city break with friends, and she can go and have fun with people of her own age? She will soon forget about him once she has a proper social life of her own. She sounds quite isolated from your description, does she have friends/sports and hobbies of her own?

CandyLeBonBon · 23/04/2021 09:20

@boomhiss

I'm sorry but you just don't know that. We think we know our kids inside out, but we don't. Not once they get past their tweens. And they gave the right to their privacy. I understand why you feel protective but that can veer dangerously close to controlling if you're not careful.

Pp have sensibly suggested a lot of alternative distractions which might help, but jumping the gun and making up scenarios in your head is not helpful.

It all sounds a bit odd tbh.

Rachie1973 · 23/04/2021 09:30

@boomhiss

On reflection I think you’re not getting the answers you want so you’re going to rewrite the narrative.

It seems on the surface he is just being nice to her.

Brieminewine · 23/04/2021 09:36

It sounds like she’s fallen for him but the feelings aren’t mutual hence her upset? The first cut is the deepest so they say!

If she has no impairment from her brain injury which makes her vulnerable you shouldn’t really get involved, she’s a 20 year old woman who can see who she wants. Just be there to support her through her heartbreak.

oldshoeuk · 23/04/2021 09:42

At her age it's none of my or your business when we get right down to it. Opinions, yes I have lots and the world's welcome to them, but it's still not our business what another adult does with their personal life.

I don't think the relationship will end well, I wish she was with someone closer in age. They have almost certainly had sex, let's not fool ourselves.

She will learn some lessons, have some good times as well as bad. I'm not going to judge or try to tell her what to do. If I was her mother I would be on hand to offer an ear and advice, but not much more.

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