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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD involved with older man

99 replies

boomhiss · 23/04/2021 06:00

My 20 year old DD has fallen for a man who lives in our village. He's at least twice her age, divorced and single-parenting two teenage DS. (For context, I'm also divorced and single-parenting. We live overseas.) Both of his kids are "troubled" and my DS used to hang out with the older boy. They live in our village and are acquaintances of ours.

Obviously, like everyone else, my DD is starved for social contact. She's been going to a nearby café for months, chatting with the locals, all of whom are much older. Social distancing, masks of course. In the last few weeks, she's been a bit distant and preoccupied. Today I found her in tears and eventually she confessed that she's overwhelmed by her feelings for this man. She's a beautiful young woman, intelligent and sensible. She's been in a couple of relationships but never developed strong feelings for anyone until now.

She's adamant that nothing has happened, no sex, not even a kiss or hand-holding, mostly because of Covid but also because she feels he's too old for her. But now she's considering taking it further.

I'm inwardly shocked and angry with this man for "leading her on". But she's an adult and should be allowed to make her own choices. Yet I want to give this man hell. AIBU?

OP posts:

Biscuitsanddoombar · 23/04/2021 07:10

It sounds like she has a crush OP. Nothing has happened, they’re just chatting. From your description she sounds quite naive - has she had many bf? She could easily be seeing things that aren’t there

SamanthaVimes · 23/04/2021 07:12

@boomhiss

DD has epilepsy and a brain injury, which is why she still lives at home. She's had a very sheltered upbringing, lots of hospitalisations and takes a shedload of medication, including ADs. I tend to be overprotective.

She's cried herself to sleep but had a massive seizure just beforehand. I've never seen her so upset.

Sorry if I was drip feeding. Her condition didn't seem relevant when I posted.

I cross posted with this update. I can see how this makes you more concerned than you would otherwise be. I still think you need to talk to your daughter and not the man though.

CandyLeBonBon · 23/04/2021 07:13

@boomhiss

She's cried herself to sleep but had a massive seizure just beforehand. I've never seen her so upset.

Sorry if I was drip feeding. Her condition didn't seem relevant when I posted.

Well of course it's relevant.

Whatwouldscullydo · 23/04/2021 07:13

God that's that's weird typo

Its meant to say make sure she recognises abuse.

You still have said nothing that can lead us to believe he's even done anything. I would talk to your dd about how to manage her feelings and be aware if what's appropriate behaviour on her part too.

OnlyInYourDreams · 23/04/2021 07:17

@ bonfireheart while it might not be a good idea, anyone who is an adult who gets involved with someone much older is still responsible for their own choices.

I would be telling the DD that it’s not a good idea though rather than confronting the man.

I’m assuming from the OP’s update that the DD has learning difficulties, in which case she needs far more guidance.

If she doesn’t though then she needs to make her own decisions, but if it’s just that she has a crush, then she probably needs to be gently advised that if he’s made no moves he very likely doesn’t reciprocate, and that while that is sad, it’s just life sadly.

romdowa · 23/04/2021 07:18

@boomhiss

She's cried herself to sleep but had a massive seizure just beforehand. I've never seen her so upset.

Sorry if I was drip feeding. Her condition didn't seem relevant when I posted.

Is this man aware of her vulnerability?

OnlyInYourDreams · 23/04/2021 07:20

The OP should have said in the OP that her DD is learning disabled.

If she’s not then I don’t see how she’s any more vulnerable than any other adult. But it does sound as if the OP is over protective, in which case, as hard as it is, she needs to start to step back and allow her DD to be an adult.

JennyBond · 23/04/2021 07:20

DD isn't the type to fall for someone without a lot of encouragement.

Maybe until now. There’s nothing in your OP that suggests this is reciprocated. And the level of upset from your daughter suggests otherwise to me.

It’s really not clear that you have anything to worry about.

sandgrown · 23/04/2021 07:22

My DD married a man 20 years older with a child almost her age . I admit I was apprehensive but all I could do was support her as she was determined to be with him . When they met I thought her father , who knew the man , would say something as he was very protective but he never said a word ( we were divorced) . They were married for a good few years and had children but almost inevitably grew apart as he wanted to slow down and she wanted a more active life as their children got older .

sunflowersandbuttercups · 23/04/2021 07:22

Do the epilepsy and brain injury make her vulnerable in any way? Or are you just worried because of her health?

It sounds to me like she just has a major crush on this man and from what you describe he hasn't actually done anything wrong. Is he even aware of her health issues, for example?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 23/04/2021 07:23

Where has she been seeing him to be chatting to him so often? Or do the text, or talk on the phone. To be honest, from what you've said so far, it sounds ikea she just has a crush.

MinesAPintOfTea · 23/04/2021 07:26

@bonfireheart

If someone on MN or a real life friend was interested in someone twice their age, MN would say "not a good idea" I've actually seen numerous threads like that. But when someone says it's their DS/DD the answer is "they're an adult, leave them to it" as though at the stroke of midnight when they turn 18 you should no longer have any involvement/opinion about them and suddenly they are old enough to make sensible decisions. I would personally tell this man to stay away from upset and vulnerable young woman.

It’s what the OP can actually do though when their child is an adult then generally they are fully free to make their own mistakes.

Gently advising when things are a bad idea is about the limit for a parent. If the DD came on here and asked about starting to date this man then MN can tell her it’sa bad idea

starrynight21 · 23/04/2021 07:26

@boomhiss

As far as I know, they're "just good friends" so lots of chatting. But I think he should have set boundaries in his approach right from the start. DD isn't the type to fall for someone without a lot of encouragement.

It's a bit much to expect that he would have "set boundaries right from the start". From what you've said, your DD has just been chatting to him, so I don't really see how he should have set boundaries in their friendly relationship. Most people just start chatting , they don't assume that a chat will lead to a crush or a relationship.

I'd just leave her to it - she is 20, and this is out of your control. Even taking her medical condition into account, she is still an adult and so far this man hasn't done anything wrong.

Your DD could have been me 20 years ago and I've been married to "the older man" for 20 years with never an unhappy moment. Age differences are not all bad.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/04/2021 07:27

The brain injury is massively relevant.

Is this a crush or is he also interested in her?

I would imagine she’s vulnerable I’d consider talking to him. But only after talking to her first and dissuading her. He really isn’t in a position to be dating a young woman with a brain injury.

bathsh3ba · 23/04/2021 07:29

I went through a 'phase' at 18-20 of dating/sleeping with much older men and I didn't have 'daddy issues'. I regret my behaviour now but it didn't do me any long term harm.

A lot of this hinges on how her brain injury affects her, I think. If there is any question she might misunderstand consent, or if she has a learning disability, then she needs more guidance than the average 20yo even if she is legally an adult.

I think it's highly unlikely to work out and highly likely to cause her heartbreak but sometimes you have to let them learn....

MinesAPintOfTea · 23/04/2021 07:33

If your DD doesn’t have full capacity due to the brain injury then that’s another matter though. Not sure what you can do, but trying to intervene more is understandable

Original poster

boomhiss · 23/04/2021 07:33

No, she doesn't have learning difficulties apart from memorisation and is a little slower to process information than she was pre-op. There's nothing in her behaviour or appearance that indicates brain injury. He knows all about her epilepsy and failed neurosurgery, which is information she rarely shares.

She's upset because she finally admitted her feelings about him to me. She's conflicted because of the age difference and I gently and calmly told her my opinion. I explained that the decision is hers because she's an adult but that I don't feel that dating him would be wise. At all. And I gave her my reasons.

But she's so unhappy and I can't bear it for her! Which is why I name-changed and posted here.

OP posts:

Motnight · 23/04/2021 07:35

So your 20 year old dd is vulnerable, Op. But so far, she and the older man are simply friends who chat a lot.

Why has she cried herself to sleep?

In your position I would have concerns to but really all you can do is be there for your dd. Does she share everything in her life with you? My dd at 20 would not have spoken about anyone she fancied to me!

It seems that there is potential for the relationship to develop (although nothing you have written so far suggests that the manis actually interested in your dd romantically). I would work on helping your dd to keep opening up to you.

Motnight · 23/04/2021 07:37

Apologies just re read and can see that your dd was crying because she felt overwhelmed by her feelings for this man. Could this be limerance?

bunglebee · 23/04/2021 07:42

If someone on MN or a real life friend was interested in someone twice their age, MN would say "not a good idea" I've actually seen numerous threads like that.
But when someone says it's their DS/DD the answer is "they're an adult, leave them to it" as though at the stroke of midnight when they turn 18 you should no longer have any involvement/opinion about them and suddenly they are old enough to make sensible decisions.

Has it occurred to you that that might have something to do with talking to the person involved directly who is asking for advice, Vs talking to the parent of the person involved,
who is very much not asking for advice?

It probably is a bad idea. But adults get to make their own mistakes, and young adults are notorious for throwing themselves headlong into romantic mistakes and only becoming keener if dissuaded. It's how we all learn.

If someone isn't old enough to make their own decisions, sensible or no, at 20, they never will be.

Original poster

boomhiss · 23/04/2021 07:55

Also, I would never talk to him about this, even though I'm angry. It would be far too humiliating for her, especially if he has no intentions of dating her. I have seen them in a group setting and it's clear he finds her very attractive and charming. His eldest son is 18 and used to call DD "piss-stain" for some reason. He's not a nice kid; he's violent and heavily into drugs. I always assumed he saw her as another teenager, not a potential partner!

OP posts:

Sanchez79 · 23/04/2021 08:00

The OP should have said in the OP that her DD is learning disabled.

A brain injury does not necessarily equal learning disabled! A brain injury can affect any part of the brain, from the bit that regulates our temperature, and controls our movement to the parts that processes emotions and help us make decisions.

GoWalkabout · 23/04/2021 08:09

Just tell her date him if you want to but please don't become step mum to those two! With a serious warning that she has lacked opportunities this year to meet people, and travel, and she might be settling for proximity and hormones leading the way.

Laggartha · 23/04/2021 08:14

What country do you live in OP?

Laggartha · 23/04/2021 08:16

I spent some of my teen years living in a very rural area of England. Intergenerational socialising, friendships and relationships were far, far more common than in the city.

It sounds as though she has a crush on him, but I'm not sure why it's so distressing to her.

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