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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bf telling me how to cook

122 replies

Isaidwhatisaid1 · 21/04/2021 19:00

Every time I cook us dinner it's constant comments, almost like a backseat passenger. "why don't you do it like that instead" , "what's the point of doing that?" Why are you using that" etc. It's just too much each time. Can understand if someone's trying to help but it feels undermining.
I've started to answer back and tell him that I do xyz because I want to.

Yesterday tried to tell me I snacked too much "You've already had xyz today". Fwiw I'm not overweight at all and I exercise a lot. He said he snacks too but I hate being told what to do and almost micromanaged aibu?

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 22/04/2021 08:32

In my case it stems from PIL. FIL takes over in the kitchen and MIL lets him although she has said she doesn’t like it. I have made it clear that I will not put up with advisory comments and so it rarely happens now.

pointythings · 22/04/2021 08:32

He's insecure. He needs to put you down to make himself feel better. Just get rid, men like this don't change (other than getting worse).

OrchestraOfWankery · 22/04/2021 08:34

@MrsTerryPratchett

constant jokes about how I'm an airhead, daft, everyday reminders of 'dumb' stuff I did

I cannot emphasise this enough, it doesn't matter why he does it. You're not the Wanker Whisperer. He's a twat and critical and mean. Dump him.

THIS!!!!

DUMP THE TWAT.

He'll wear you down to nothing. Your mental health, confidence and happiness will suffer hugely if you don't.

Novelusername · 22/04/2021 08:48

I had a boyfriend like this, constantly micromanaging, undermining me, belittling. Has he isolated you from all your friends yet? Mine did. Get rid of him.

crikeycrumbsblimey · 22/04/2021 08:51

I know it is not that easy but please get rid of the bullying twat.

I don’t care if insecurity is causing it - he has no right to make himself feel better by transferring that insecurity to you.

SaturdayRocks · 22/04/2021 08:52

So what are you going to do @Isaidwhatisaid1?

Roll over and accept it?

billy1966 · 22/04/2021 08:59

OP,

Do you realise that you are in a highly abusive relationship?

This is EXACTLY what an a usive relationship looks like.

Clearly you must have very very low self esteem that you are accepting his behaviour.

If you had self esteem you would have told him who the hell he thought he was speaking to and dumped him?

You are under near constant criticism and you are not sure if it's OK.

Is this the life you want?

He's a piece of shit, that you need to shake off your shoe.

Are you absolutely desperate for a man?
Because I can't even believe a truly desperate woman would put up with a nasty belittling horror like him.

By staying with him you are doing yourself terrible emotional damage.

How old are you?
How long are you putting up with this pig?
Have you actually moved in with this awful, awful excuse of a man?

What example of a relationship did you grow up with that you would think this is ok?

Please get rid of him.
He's an absolute prick.
Flowers

picklemewalnuts · 22/04/2021 09:01

@Isaidwhatisaid1

Indeed I have asked him about it this morning and he said he's just "trying to help". I then asked why he feels the need to make out that I'm dumb and so on and he said I'm not dumb I just "have my moments". I admit I can do some daft things sometimes like recently i got in the wrong taxi meant for someone else. But he laughed when I said he was 'critical' of me, apparently critical is the wrong word according to him, except it isn't, it's the correct one. Another thing he will do is that we'll be talking about a topic, I'll give my opinion and he'll say "I have NO idea what you're talking about." He clearly does, it just makes me feel rubbish. Or for instance I'll say something like I think lockdown should be eased sooner (for instanced) and he'll just say "ok" and maybe laugh then say "What do you want me to do about it?"
I can be a bit like your boyfriend with my husband. The difference in 25 years of marriage has earned me the right to be irritated when he tears the frozen veg bag so wildly that the veg falls out of it all over the freezer.

After years of marriage when we've demonstrated our commitment to each other, it's ok to ask why the hell I haven't learned where to keep my keys or roll your eyes at things never being put back in the right cupboard.

You are pretty early on in a relationship and he's treating you like a charming but somewhat useless pet. That isn't going to age well.

He may not be a nasty man- this could be how he's seen 'loving relationships' growing up. He needs to know that you will not be 'teased' about being incompetent and that he needs to show you respect. Then he can choose to change, and you need to choose whether to wait around while he does.

PurpleMustang · 22/04/2021 09:20

He is slowly chipping away at your opinions and self esteem. You will start to modify what you tell him, what you say as you know he will comment. As someone else said, yes he may have been brought up to not know any different. BUT it is all going to depend on him willing to stop and change.

ShagMeRiggins · 22/04/2021 09:22

But he laughed when I said he was 'critical' of me, apparently critical is the wrong word according to him

So he criticised you for saying he was critical. Hmm

OP, I don’t expect everyone in the word to like me just as I am, but I do expect it from someone I’m dating.

It’s not the responsibility of a boyfriend to make you feel good about yourself (although it’s quite nice), but if you feel worse about yourself when you’re with him then he needs to change or it needs to end.

CarmelBeach · 22/04/2021 09:24

Does it matter? he's an arse. Get rid.

justforthisnow · 22/04/2021 09:34

I feel so sad for anyone that thinks being spoken to like this is acceptable, please consider your options OP, this man does not respect you at all, and I doubt he loves you in a real sense. All these beautiful clever women, putting up with shits like these, being insulted, derided, degraded, humiliated, the same women who are literally feeding them dinners and probably waahing their clothes and cleaning up after them, you deserve so much more than the insults and put downs these awful horrible men say, and then justify.

Bananalanacake · 22/04/2021 09:37

As soon as a man says anything about what you eat you dump the abusive bastard. Don't let him move in with you.

Aprilshowersandhail · 22/04/2021 09:43

Your only dumb moment is keeping him.

NewlyGranny · 22/04/2021 09:51

More red flags than a Mayday parade here. You do not need his kind of negativity, undermining, micromanaging and controlling in your life.

Let him go and become someone else's problem, if he can find anyone to tolerate him.

Ask yourself what he is bringing to enhance your life and add to your happiness.

WorkingOnItWhateverItIs · 22/04/2021 10:07

On a light note, I'd be tempted to start furiously hunting through cupboards and when he asks what you're looking for "I'm looking for when the fook I asked for your opinion".
On a more serious note, he's undermining you and laughs when you call him out on it, which is heading down gaslighting street

notagainmummy · 22/04/2021 10:28

If this behaviour spills over to any other area he is controlling, so ltb. If not tell him to do it himself of shut up.

CrikeyPeg · 22/04/2021 12:25

Yeah, he's an arse. Can you really be bothered putting up with that? Interesting you refer to him as boyfriend and not partner.

Scarlettpixie · 22/04/2021 13:19

Tell him to fuck off. You deserve better.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2021 14:44

I feel so sad for anyone that thinks being spoken to like this is acceptable

I'm sad too. We'll be here to support when he inevitably gets worse.

EasterEggBelly · 22/04/2021 14:49

My ex husband used to do this all the time. Making jokes at my expense. Sly put downs. Undermining my confidence.
I realise now he was the insecure one and it was his way of putting me in my place. It’s a miserable existence.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/04/2021 15:31

@MrsTerryPratchett

constant jokes about how I'm an airhead, daft, everyday reminders of 'dumb' stuff I did

I cannot emphasise this enough, it doesn't matter why he does it. You're not the Wanker Whisperer. He's a twat and critical and mean. Dump him.

Can't agree enough with this.

OP, why are you putting up with this? Why do you think this man is worth thinking about, never mind sharing your life with? He treats you poorly, attacks your self-esteem, puts you down. Why are you still with him?

His "constant jokes" are not jokes. He means them, means for them to hurt and affect your self-worth. He says them 'jokingly' only so he can then deny he's being mean to you - and `have a pop at you for having no sense of humour. He's an arsehole.

"He moaned yesterday that I opened a packet of cheese the wrong way and said I'm 'grabby' , does it really matter about the packet?"
What matters is that it was something to have a go at you about. That's all he wants to do, have a go at you, make you feel bad about yourself, drive you down. Sad, inadequate little males (I won't dignify him by calling him a man) like him should be put back on the shelf you got him from. Step away from this arsewipe, he's not going to get any better. Is this what you want the rest of your life to be like?

OmniversalSpecies2021 · 22/04/2021 19:24

Also constant jokes about how I'm an airhead, daft, everyday reminders of 'dumb' stuff I did, not sure if I'm just being too sensitive or not

He's 'chiiping away' at your sense of self and your self esteem - he's gaslighting you with his responses to think that you're 'oversensitive', when actually your sensitivity to insults is normal.

why do you stay with him?
do you think you can change him?
Cos a person who behaves like that isn't going to change for you.....

CoolCatTaco · 22/04/2021 19:45

MrsTerryPratchett is spot on!
Run like the wind, he's a nasty bastard.

billy1966 · 22/04/2021 19:48

@MrsTerryPratchett

I feel so sad for anyone that thinks being spoken to like this is acceptable

I'm sad too. We'll be here to support when he inevitably gets worse.

I so agree with you both.

So many great women killing themselves, doing so much, yet being put down by awful men.

All I hope is that through threads like this, women can see multiple prospectives, with varing views,....find information, wisdom, that will strength them and propel them into a better place.

Knowledge is power.
Flowers

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