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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want my boyfriend to get a divorce before we move in together?

81 replies

Jennyvon · 20/04/2021 13:11

I’m in a serious LTR, we’re happy together and he wants us to live together, But he’s still married.
They separated officially years ago, but I don’t feel great about the fact that he has a wife, and it’s not me.
I didn’t know he was still married when we got together. He says he is getting a divorce “at some point”.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable in worrying about it. I’m not sure he even sees his divorce as something that involves me, which it shouldn’t have (if he’d done it before dating anyone else!) but now I’ll be around when it happens and I’m a big part of his life so I feel like it does involve me.
I worry he’s going to question our relationship during the divorce. Or just get nostalgic for the good times with her and I’ll feel hurt. I appreciate we all have baggage but I’m not sure this is normal. I feel uneasy about it, I feel dragged into it and I don’t know if I’m being unfair to him

OP posts:
Ginuwine · 20/04/2021 13:13

You said:

"I didn’t know he was still married when we got together."

Apologies but I think this fact may well set the tone for your whole relationship. It's obviously something you have overcome, but he felt he could hide this from you initially. He might not be in a hurry to therefore sort things.

He says he is getting a divorce “at some point”.

See my earlier statement. He may have indicated to you who he was in the way he handled things at the start.

LongTimeMammaBear · 20/04/2021 13:15

You’re very wise to insist he is entering the next stage of your relationship wit a clean slate (divorced), how can you build in your relationship wen right from the start of moving in, he is still married

Plus, you do know the legalities of finances / rights of inheritance between married couples.

You should also discuss and understand your relationship goals before moving in. Marriage, children, mortgage etc

Blanca87 · 20/04/2021 13:15

I think you are right as I would have thought there is legal implications if he died etc. I wouldn’t want to live with a married man regardless of how long they split up.

Mamamamasaurus · 20/04/2021 13:16

"I didn't know he was still married when we got together"

This sentence tells me all I would need to know. He wasn't upfront. He wasn't honest.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/04/2021 13:17

Why are you allowing this dishonest man to steer the course of your life? You should have left him ages ago.

Aprilshowersandhail · 20/04/2021 13:19

Just tell him sleeping with a married man doesn't sit well with you anymore...

katy1213 · 20/04/2021 13:20

"At some point' sounds a bit too vague for me. Why is he dragging his feet? I think you're right to demand some show of commitment before you get financially embroiled. If you say, 'Not until you start divorce proceedings, ' and he still doesn't make a move - at least you know where you stand. Get this sorted now because once he's moved in, it's much harder to take a firm stand. There's a big hoop to jump if he wants you. You're worth it!

AmyLou100 · 20/04/2021 13:20

I think you are very wise to question all of this. It's very valid concerns and you don't want to get into a big mess later on.

Lweji · 20/04/2021 13:34

I'd be interested to know who is not moving with the divorce.

If he is serious about you, he should divorce his wife, definitely. Worst case, he should have started the process, even if it takes a long time.

But if you are worried that insisting on it will damage your relationship, then maybe this isn't such a great relationship and you should move on.

Mistressinthetulips · 20/04/2021 13:39

I don't think you could get a mortgage together while he was still married to someone else.
All sorts of issues for inheritance too.

SunIsComing · 20/04/2021 13:42

Major red flag!!!

MegaClutterSlut · 20/04/2021 13:42

You should really be worrying about if he were to die then things can get really complicated as the wife can have a claim his assets rather then what you put in your op

ImaginaryCat · 20/04/2021 13:45

There was a thread very recently by a person whose mum's DP has been put on end-of-life care. He was still married to the wife he separated from 20 years ago. The OP's mum is now worried about what claim the wife has on his estate when he dies.
I commented on that thread because my parents remained married after their separation but it was a conscious decision to ensure she could access his pension when he died.
Basically, if you move in with him, there will always be 3 people in your financial affairs.

pigsDOfly · 20/04/2021 13:47

No you're not being unfair to him.

All the time he's married to someone else he can't, and isn't, fully committing to you and your future together.

If the marriage is truly over and he wants to start a new life with you then a divorce is paramount.

Don't move in with him under the current circumstances, either he isn't over the marriage or he's giving himself a way out of committing himself to your relationship; either way, you're worth more.

OnkasBigMoka · 20/04/2021 13:47

I don't think that you are being unreasonable. The main legal notion of getting a divorce is so you can re-marry. However, as others have pointed out - there are a number of financial reasons to get one.

Whilst financial matters are considered separate to divorce, the process of divorcing also includes a financial clean break.

This is important as without it, unless his former partner remarries she can lay claim to all kinds of things in the future:

Lottery wins
Pension
Inheritances (either received or god forbid if your partner passed himself)
Also depending on his and his ex's financial situation perhaps even spousal maintenance.

Without a clean break order - there is no statue of limitation of when she could potentially claim.

So, my advice would be to explain that as things stand in the future he could be at risk. He may have a good relationship with her now, but life is funny and tends to change in ways that you least expect.

Sooobooored · 20/04/2021 13:48

How many years have they been separated? Are they still sharing finances eg house/mortgage? Are there children involved? Child maintenance? This will all affect you if you live together.

Sooobooored · 20/04/2021 13:49

Are you planning to buy a home together?

Original poster
Jennyvon · 20/04/2021 13:50

He didn’t tell me because we were just casually dating at first, I’m his first serious relationship since the split and he didn’t want to bring his ex up, once it was brought up he was honest with me about the situation without any reserve. Although I appreciate that doesn’t make him sound very reliable but he’s always been very supportive and open with me and we’re very happy so as it was just a one off I don’t feel it is a reason to end the relationship. But I appreciate the concerns and comments

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 20/04/2021 13:50

Yanbu. I'd want a clean slate too, it is important.

GilbertsLuckySocks · 20/04/2021 13:54

My sister is in this situation except she moved in with him.

He has young teenage children though and his wife still lives in the family home they’d bought.

I think he gets along with his wife.

But who knows, maybe he doesn’t want to rock the boat with his wife considering there’s children and a shared owned property.

If your boyfriend has no children or shared property with his wife, there’s really no good reason why he can’t push for finalising divorce now.

If he isn’t ready to divorce his wife, surely he could give you the reason why?

wigjuice · 20/04/2021 13:55

Whether you were casually dating or not, there is no excuse for not telling you he was still married. It's smack as being manipulative, reel you in and get you to like him, then spring it on you when you have become invested in him.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 20/04/2021 13:58

You do need to have that discussion. You have to have some sort of agreement on his marital status as as it is anything you two buy she will have a part share in should the worst happen to him! You will have no financial security in your relationship.

So before he moves in have that discussion and decide how you will both work to protect you and your assets going forward. Legal advice might be needed for you both to undertand the breadth of the issue. So get it undertsood before you commit further.

joystir59 · 20/04/2021 14:00

Do not move in with him until he has a obtained a divorce- a decree absolute. He was not honest and you are basically in a relationship with a married man. His wife is still his next of kin, she would still have claims to any shared assets, and if he dies also to his pensions, bereavement support payments, rights to arrange his funeral. Do you want that?

Cocomarine · 20/04/2021 14:05

No. Fucking. Way.

I couldn’t care less about nostalgia (having been through the dull ball ache that is divorce paperwork, trust me here - it does not inspire nostalgia 🤣). I’m not someone who would feel I was with someone else’s husband - although, you are.

But I couldn’t be with someone who is so far out on their life admin. It’s quite lazy, isn’t it?

That’s before you get into the fact that I wouldn’t feel I could make joint financial decisions with someone carrying a financial liability elsewhere. Joint lottery win with him, and next thing you know, she’s going for a share of it because the actual person who paid was him? Yes, that’s extreme. But just the thought of ridiculous “open” admin would irritate me.

I wouldn’t choose someone that I had to “force” to divorce. BUT - bear in mind if you ever did want to force the issue, this is your strongest bargaining chip you’re about to give away.

Cocomarine · 20/04/2021 14:06

As for casual dating... I still think it’s something you mention. I was on a dating site and clearly stated that I was living separately and in between nisi and absolute.

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