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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my boyfriend to get a divorce before we move in together?

81 replies

Jennyvon · 20/04/2021 13:11

I’m in a serious LTR, we’re happy together and he wants us to live together, But he’s still married.
They separated officially years ago, but I don’t feel great about the fact that he has a wife, and it’s not me.
I didn’t know he was still married when we got together. He says he is getting a divorce “at some point”.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable in worrying about it. I’m not sure he even sees his divorce as something that involves me, which it shouldn’t have (if he’d done it before dating anyone else!) but now I’ll be around when it happens and I’m a big part of his life so I feel like it does involve me.
I worry he’s going to question our relationship during the divorce. Or just get nostalgic for the good times with her and I’ll feel hurt. I appreciate we all have baggage but I’m not sure this is normal. I feel uneasy about it, I feel dragged into it and I don’t know if I’m being unfair to him

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 20/04/2021 14:13

This could have massive financial consequences for you, OP.

Dacquoise · 20/04/2021 14:15

Does he not want to divorce because she won't agree to it? You need five years separation for parties to not have to give permission. Two years if both parties agree, otherwise you need to claim unreasonable behaviour. Sometimes people don't want to do this because someone has to take the 'faults.

I wouldn't cohabit without a divorce and financial settlement as others have said your finances will be complicated, particularly if you buy a house together or he dies intestate.

crocusesandtulips · 20/04/2021 14:19

I'm (sort of) in your bf's position. I separated from xh c5 years ago, I got the decree nisi at the time and we agreed the finances but I was busy and somehow forgot to file the forms at court Blush.

I had a serious relationship of c3 years (although he never moved in), he knew about the divorce situation and never really pushed me to do anything about it and so it got forgotten about. I ended that relationship last year and what with covid etc and managing the DC finalising the divorce was the last thing on my mind.

I'm now in a relatively new relationship but this feels different, we are considering a future together and I'm now motivated to get the divorce finalised & have contacted lawyers etc so I can completely close that chapter of my life before considering moving in together etc.

My failure to get the divorce finalised was certainly nothing to do with any feelings of nostalgia or reluctance to be divorced, it's just once it got past the first few months it got to the point I would have to 'rock the boat' with my xh (and he's v difficult) and it just got put in the 'too difficult/time consuming' pile and left Blush.

I realise now that I wasn't motivated to sort it while with my last partner because I guess deep down I knew we didn't have a future together. I'm now motivated to sort it because I do see a future with my new boyfriend.

So from your perspective OP given my experience I would be concerned about his level of commitment to you rather than any likelihood of nostalgia during the divorce etc. I think you need to have a sensible conversation about it with him and I think it's reasonable to say that you want him to start the process before you look at moving in together. I know my boyfriend would be uncomfortable us taking that step if I'm still technically married and therefore I'm taking steps to sort it before we get to that point.

Mix56 · 20/04/2021 14:20

Also, you are not next of kin. so if any critical medical decisions need to be made it would be her decision.
Also, what about YOU, do you want to get married at some point ? children ? Are you planning on buying a joint property ? she could own a 1/4 then !
Just tell him it's not happening until he gets the paperwork done...
I have a friend who's cocklodger bastard bf was in this situation, he said it was because it would cost money...

Winterwoollies · 20/04/2021 14:20

Are there children involved? What’s the logic for them not divorcing yet?

YellowTwinklyStar · 20/04/2021 14:20

Is he aiming for a no fault divorce with 5 years separation? It needs to be sorted before you move in with him.

YellowTwinklyStar · 20/04/2021 14:21

If he is just not bothering for such a major thing then I'd worry what else he wouldn't bother with.

Original poster
Jennyvon · 20/04/2021 14:23

We would just rent together because he’s married. We’re both currently renting so that’s fine for us.

There are no kids involved in his divorce, but they do have multiple assets to split.

OP posts:
fairlygoodmother · 20/04/2021 14:23

You’re not being unreasonable at all. Obviously he hasn’t made getting a divorce a priority so far and it could be for any number of reasons, from procrastination to still having feelings for her. You are completely sensible to want to get that resolved before you move your relationship to the next level.

Otherwise you could find yourself in 20 years’ time, sharing your lives and property, but his ex wife is still his next of kin.

AdaColeman · 20/04/2021 14:26

If you moved in together before he was divorced, you would be walking into a financial and legal minefield without any protection at all.

minniemomo · 20/04/2021 14:26

It's a personal thing, isn't an issue for us - we haven't bothered with paperwork as of yet, it's just paperwork. Once covid is over I suppose I'll tie up the loose ends

Lweji · 20/04/2021 14:28

but they do have multiple assets to split.

I can understand the unwillingness to rock the boat, if she is a very difficult person. However, why wouldn't he want to split the assets if there are no children?

Sunshineandflipflops · 20/04/2021 14:31

I haven't RTFT but I can understand as I am on the other side. I have been separated over 3 years now. Both me and my ex are in relationships and i have no idea if he intends to move in with his gf but I don't plan on moving in with mine while my kids are at home. We are not divorced, purely because it benefits me none and I don't have the money to pay for a divorce when it was him who had an affair. I don't plan on re-marrying and if he does, he can divorce me. I also at present am still in the family home with our children and can't afford the mortgage on my own so rocking the boat and potentially losing our home isn't on my agenda right now.

BUT, I have always been honest about still being legally married and my reasons why and my bf understands. If we were going to move in together then I might reconsider though as I wouldn't need the security of the house.

MixedUpFiles · 20/04/2021 14:32

My now DH and I moved in together while I was still technically married. Everything was filed and submitted to the court, we were just waiting to get the final documents back. Well there was a technical snafu because of a small mistake and my XH used that to be the jerk that he was and my divorce went on for another 2 years. There was no disagreement over finances. No children. Our lives were completely separate and we lived far apart. He just decided to argue over standard forms and standard language used in all divorce documents because he could.

My DH was ridiculously understanding about all of this, but I felt awful. He should not have had to put up with any of it.

Cocomarine · 20/04/2021 14:33

@Sunshineandflipflops of course you’d still need the security of the house (a house) if you and your boyfriend moved in together 😱

DrSbaitso · 20/04/2021 14:38

There was a thread a while ago by a woman whose husband hadn't finished settling things financially with his ex, and ex was now refusing to sell the house and he couldn't get off the mortgage for it and it was causing no end of crap. Not quite the same situation, but there are similarities.

No, don't entwine yourself with someone who is still legally married.

Frymetothemoon · 20/04/2021 14:38

Stick to your guns. If he's serious about you, he'll sort things out. If he isn't, then the sooner you find out, the better.

VegCheeseandCrackers · 20/04/2021 14:41

YANBU! BiL is waiting for divorce and has met a new partner and she wants him to divorce before they move in and we are all at him about doing it.
You need to think long term. Not only do you want him to be legally single but you also have (I know this sounds morbid) to think about what happens should something happen to him and his wife can stake a claim to his estate.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/04/2021 14:41

If a future with you means enough to him he’ll get on and do it. If not you haven’t lost a man you deserve.

I’m divorced and remarried. I agree with others the process couldn’t inspire nostalgia less. What a total ball ache and it definitely reminded me every step of the way why I was divorcing the bastard.

But the fact you’re even considering he’ll feel that way would give me pause.

He’s either committed to you and in it with both feet and his past truly behind him or he’s not.

You’ll find out soon enough.

Bibidy · 20/04/2021 14:44

My DP took several years to initiate a divorce with his ex, but they had 2 children, no assets and he wanted to make sure the dust had settled for everyone. I did live with him before he was divorced.

Since your DP doesn't have children I'd be questioning his reluctance to divorce, particularly if they still have assets that need splitting. Surely he needs some of that capital to start his life with you?

osbertthesyrianhamster · 20/04/2021 14:44

YANBU and very wise. If only we were all this wise. He wants it all, doesn't he? I'd dump personally, because he wasn't honest with you, but NO FUCKING WAY I'd move in with him until he can prove he's divorced. He's still married.

I had one like this, except I knew he still was and kept it casual (he'd been separated for years). He kept wanting us to move in so I ended it because he made no moves to divorce.

Sunshineandflipflops · 20/04/2021 14:45

[quote Cocomarine]@Sunshineandflipflops of course you’d still need the security of the house (a house) if you and your boyfriend moved in together 😱[/quote]
@Cocomarine What I mean is that I would be getting a mortgage with someone else so would then either buy my ex out or sell. At the moment I can't do either (and don't want to live with anyone else anyway).

osbertthesyrianhamster · 20/04/2021 14:47

@Jennyvon

We would just rent together because he’s married. We’re both currently renting so that’s fine for us.

There are no kids involved in his divorce, but they do have multiple assets to split.

I still wouldn't. Just no. But actually, his lie would do it for me. He lied, expected you to put up with it, you did, so now he's pushing for me - to move in and enjoy all the trappings of that whilst he's still married to someone else. This would not be happening if it were me.
Sunshineandflipflops · 20/04/2021 14:47

@VegCheeseandCrackers

YANBU! BiL is waiting for divorce and has met a new partner and she wants him to divorce before they move in and we are all at him about doing it. You need to think long term. Not only do you want him to be legally single but you also have (I know this sounds morbid) to think about what happens should something happen to him and his wife can stake a claim to his estate.
My bf is having this problem with his ex wife and they are divorced. He wants off the mortgage but she won't/can't buy him out and he can't afford to take her to court right now. It can happen whether divorced or not unfortunately if you don't sort it all out at the point of divorce...hence me not rushing to divorce.
KihoBebiluPute · 20/04/2021 14:47

YANBU.

Moving in together is part of starting to enmesh your individual finances to being more shared. You simply should not do that with someone who isn't yet divorced as when the divorce happens there could be all sorts of financial consequences. Or maybe not - but until the divorce happens, you just don't know what kind of mess that might create.

You need to keep your eyes wide open. Leave the rose tinted spectacles to one side. If his obligations and resources are tied up in the wellbeing of his first family then he can't put you first and could end up being a cocklodger. It's better to keep your independence and treat this relationship as a bit of fun with no serious future for the time being. If he gets his act together, gets the divorce sorted out, and is free to make a new partnership of equals with you, then you might consider it.

This ought to go without saying, but be doubly and triply sure not to get pregnant by this man (and no form of contraception is 100% effective so I do mean use at least 2 kinds) - things are complicated enough already without an impending baby on the way.

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