To want my boyfriend to get a divorce before we move in together?

[Jennyvon]

I’m in a serious LTR, we’re happy together and he wants us to live together, But he’s still married.
They separated officially years ago, but I don’t feel great about the fact that he has a wife, and it’s not me.
I didn’t know he was still married when we got together. He says he is getting a divorce “at some point”.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable in worrying about it. I’m not sure he even sees his divorce as something that involves me, which it shouldn’t have (if he’d done it before dating anyone else!) but now I’ll be around when it happens and I’m a big part of his life so I feel like it does involve me.
I worry he’s going to question our relationship during the divorce. Or just get nostalgic for the good times with her and I’ll feel hurt. I appreciate we all have baggage but I’m not sure this is normal. I feel uneasy about it, I feel dragged into it and I don’t know if I’m being unfair to him

Dont do it ,the fact that he doesnt see it as a problem is an indication of his character ,my step sister did ,in exactly the same circumstances and she ended up broken hearted and out of pocket by thousands of pounds , run for the hills girl !

I want moving in together to be a significant step. Getting divorced first would be a must. Id be nice - ‘that’s fine, we can wait. A reasonable time ’

The thing is, a divorce is a big barrier in front of you both.

It means you can't think about further steps for yourselves until it is done - that's what always bothered me before my DP sorted his divorce.

You want to be able to think in real terms about your future - when YOU might want to marry or have children, or whatever. Not have it all riding on a major hurdle being ironed out between your partner and somebody else.

No offence but until he's divorced technically your relationship really isn't that strong.

@Jennyvon

I think if you rent them the risk is low, it helps if the divorce isn't acrimonious too - I've met dp's ex and all is good.

I appreciate the concern. We didn’t meet online, he definitely could have been more upfront I agree, and so does he, but he’s been an open book in general and we got past that. I just thought it was worth mentioning I hadn’t entered the relationship expecting these issues and feel a bit out of my depth. Everyone makes mistakes.

Thanks for all those sharing their experiences. It’s such a relief that so many understand.
I’m definitely going to talk to him about it and make it clear that I don’t want to live with him until he’s divorced.

If the situation with his ex is one where he has to wait 5 years I guess we could reevaluate.

He’s made it clear he wants to be with me long term, and before we were a couple he’d heard me say I never wanted to get married, although if I’d known one of the people I was talking to was a future boyfriend I’m not sure I’d have said that.
I’ve not thought about marriage or wanted to talk to him about it simply because he’s still married.

I really think it depends on the type of person you are.

IMO someone with good boundaries and self respect would not be impressed with his lie by omission.

He deliberately didn't tell because of self interest.
Telling yourself anything else is very naive.

Now you are considering moving in with someone who is still married and in no rush to divorce.

Again, only the actions of someone with poor self esteem.

Would you like children?
What if you get pregnant?
Living with a married man in no rush to get divorced??
Is that what you want?

These decisions are about your standards, expectations and boundaries.

Some women have very low relationship bars and will take any scraps a man has to offer.

I wouldn't dream of accepting any of the above and I certainly wouldn't walk into it with my eyes open.

If you move in, are you happy to spend the next few years asking him to get divorced?

He clearly isn't in any rush.

He is just another man suiting himself.

Good luck with your decision.

@crazymicrowave123

No offence but until he's divorced technically your relationship really isn't that strong.

"No offence" doesn't make something not offensive. My relationship is perfectly strong and I am still legally married to my ex for various reasons. Unless me or my bf were wanting to get married (which we're not, ever), it has no bearing on our relationship at all.

I think definitely have a chat with him and let him know how important it is to you to move forward with a clean slate. You just don't need it hanging over you, and if they can agree the split of assets amicably then divorce can be really simple - my OH and his ex literally did the whole thing online, 12 weeks from start to finish, no solicitors.

It's just better if you can both contemplate your future realistically, without this huge invisible barrier ahead of you.

Before my DP was divorced I just felt like everything was just theoretical because it all depended on this divorce happening, and I had no control over when that might be.

@crazymicrowave123

No offence but until he's divorced technically your relationship really isn't that strong.

Not sure what that means. Do you mean financially? You have no idea how strong their emotional relationship is!

@sunshineandflipflops I'm sorry to hear that.. Must be frustrating. Hope they get it all sorted.

billy speaks sense. You're in heavy weather here, he could have been more upfront but wasn't because it didn't suit his self-interest, but instead of walking away you worked on 'moving past it'. Now here he comes again thinking you'll 'move past' another huge hurtle because, well, you have before. Just don't do it and don't back down. He's in no rush because he wants it all. This type of lie by omission is huge and should have been such a red flag to you.

The government website gives some very clear advice about getting divorced and the steps needed. My advice would be for you to read it so you can see if he feeds you any lines.
2 parts - the divorce. If they both want it then £550 for the Nisi and £50 so many weeks later for the absolute. No solicitors necessary.
The financial consent order - does need more dosh throwing at it. Stops either of them having a claim on the other. Can be done at same time or afterwards. But until it's done there is still that link.
I wouldn't not move in (this stuff can take a while) but I'd want to see him set the ball rolling and evidence of £s put aside to pay for it.

@YellowTwinklyStar @Sunshineandflipflops if the OP is dating someone who is still married that is not a steady and secure relationship? Financially or emotionally?

It's a tough one. I don't think it should be a definite 'no' as there could be a number of reasons why it's not something he's able to do in the immediate future (e.g. are there kids involved that it could hurt? will it involve expensive legal fees?). However, if not 'now' you need to know when exactly? If he can't afford the divorce right now, when does he think this will change? If there are children involved, when would be a reasonable amount of time to wait? I think as long as you understand why he's stalling the divorce you'll be able to make a more informed decision. Until he demystifies the situation, don't do it.

crazymicrowave123 but Sunshineandflipflops has just given an example of their relationship where they are secure emotionally. Don't be so insulting.

Yanbu at all OP.
There will be a lot of loose ends to tie up. There could be financial implications for you.
You're very wise to be thinking about this.
Tell him no and see if he gets his skates on or not.

I didn't get divorced until just before I remarried. Took 9 years of being seperated. I thought there were better things to spend money on so never got around to it. We finalised the divorce in the September and married my now husband in the January. My now husband knew and didn't care. I am good mates with my ex though and he happily paid half.

@YellowTwinklyStar if this relationship was fulfilling the OP she wouldn't have needed to create a thread in the first place about this? Clearly it's bothering her and her bf has lied already/ withheld info about the whole situation at the beginning so in my opinion doesn't seem emotionally stable...

If he hasn't committed to terminating his marriage, then he hasn't moved on yet. Which means damn sure he hasn't committed to a future life shared with another. woman.

Keep your independence; don't settle for "maybe".

Had several friends in this situation - long separation, no intention of getting back together but no action on a divorce. Put your foot down. Once you move in, you have no hope.

[quote crazymicrowave123]**@YellowTwinklyStar* @Sunshineandflipflops* if the OP is dating someone who is still married that is not a steady and secure relationship? Financially or emotionally?[/quote]
@crazymicrowave123 it depends what you want from a relationship though. Op is obviously wanting to move in with her partner so yes, I would probably want divorce proceedings to at least have been started in her case, but I am still legally married and my relationship of almost 2 years is emotionally secure. I don’t want anything to do with his finances or him mine so that’s not an issue, divorced or not.
Me not being divorced doesn’t mean I love my partner any less as it is nothing to do with being emotionally tied to my ex. It’s purely for security for our children of being able to stay in the family home and not paying for a divorce I didn’t cause.

Speaking from experience, divorces in England take a while but they don't take years. I was upfront with my current DP and told him on our first (Tinder!) date my situation (I was married and going through a divorce) and when we decided to move in together, I did everything I could to speed up the divorce proceedings. That's what normal, considerate, committed people do.

A lot of generalisations in these responses about being divorced (or not). I have very much moved on from my marriage but my kids’ security and home is more important to me than a piece of paper saying my marriage is over. It was over 3 years ago.
If he or I ever wish to re-marry (which I won’t do it’s on him), we will divorce. Or if I win the lottery as I want to do it properly when it happens. My bf did a cheap and quick divorce and is very much still tied to his ex financially as a result.

Also, my divorce cost me and exH less than 1.5k IN TOTAL! If no children are involved, it really isn't an expensive process at all. Money is no excuse, he's either lazy or hasn't moved on properly.