My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2)

[workworkworkugh]

Just opening a new thread as I believe the other one is getting full.
Will try and link the old one

I have serious concerns for YOU if this troll of a girl goes to counselling and you haven’t got anything to back up your side of the story. May I suggest that if you can’t get your DS to get some help, at least take yourself to the GP and get things on YOUR file. This evil girl is only going to write her own narrative and you are going to be her scapegoat. I suggest that you cover your arse ASAP. (I know you haven’t done a damn thing wrong, but she is smart and very manipulative and her counsellor may not see through her machinations - at least initially.)

@workworkworkugh

I feel like there's literally nothing more we can do. Everyone is saying we should take his phone off him, basically lock him inside the house, that sounds great in theory but just doesn't work. We can't exactly uproot our whole lives and affect the lives of our other children to move away, which he wouldn't come anyway and doesn't have to as he is 16.

I think I'm giving up.
We had a chat before and he did a quiz with me about abusive relationships where he scored a 60+ that wasn't enough to convince him, we talked about if I weren't with his dad and I had a boyfriend that did those things to me and he admitted he would hate it and think it was shit, we talked about if his friends were in a relationship like his and he admitted it wouldn't be good, but then turns around and says that it's all just my opinion and he doesn't want to hear it!

Nothing is getting through to him, he has his eyes on the prize and that is apparently seeing her as soon as he can get to her.

I asked what his boundaries are, what is his limit, he couldn't answer, I gave him some suggestions but he wasn't sure. I mean if she can tell him to kill me and that doesn't end the relationship then he clearly has no limit at all!

My DH is around and involved, he just internalises a lot and often doesn't say the right things which can make a situation worse and DS and I have always been closer and that's why I've mainly taken the lead in a sense with this.
DH is definitely involved in all decisions and conversations.
He's getting more and more furious by the day and I can see he's about to flip and go nuclear on the whole thing, he's worried for my mental health and wants me to get police involved officially to, and I quote, "let the little bitch know she can't get away with this", he definitely has a way with words 🙊

I'm exhausted and our poor other kids are missing out on their mum while my mental capacity is taken up with all of this.

I honestly think everyhting you have done- particularly that you have outlined in this post is brilliant. Exceptional parenting. Even if he is fobbing you off right now, some of it is going in in and he is a little bit receptive. And you are treating him with respect.

I think you are amazing OP.

@Squiblet

I still can't wrap my head around the fact that they're all so convinced (DS, gf and parents) that they are soulmates and perfect for each other to the point of doing everything to keep them together.

So sorry you're going through this, OP. I can only guess that underneath all the bravado, your DS is probably pretty scared.

He's frightened of losing his girlfriend;
he's frightened OF his girlfriend because she is so unhinged & manipulative;
he's frightened of the police;
but also, he's very likely frightened of losing you and getting cut off from the rest of his family & friends, which he must know is a possibility.

He may be clinging to the gf even more than he normally would because he feels his whole life situation is so precarious -- not realising, or refusing to admit, that she's the root cause of all the instability.

It's a heartbreaking situation and I really hope it works out for your family with everyone safe & sound.

I think he is frightened of her as well. It's easier to give in. Her own aprents have shown that.

I stayed in a friendship for a good 2 years after it went crazy sour (former friend had diagnosed bi-polar and was not compliant with her medication or therapy) because it terrified me as to what the fallout would be if I drew away from her. I tried to 'manage' the friendship for 2 years.

It all went horribly wrong, inevitably. But I was 40 when i was trying to work my way through that, and had loads of familial support and still struggled.

*should add it was not just bi-polar. She had other diagnoses as well which all added up to alot of issues. What did for me in the end was I went out for dinner with someone without inviting her and she went absolutely crazy. keyed my car. Sent me abusive messages saying she hoped I woukd miscarry DS2. Rang my husband and said I as cheating on him. 9 years later she still sends 'anonymous letters' about me to my workplace; to the club I joined etc.

I still feel nothing but relief that I am shot of her though.

I have no advise OP but just wanted to say as a mum, my heart goes out to you and I pray that this is all resolved is the least damaging way. Thinking of you

I think you are doing the right thing backing off. You have given all the advice worked through it logically and helped him see it is wrong. Now it is up to him to act on the information. I hope it doesn't take long.

The reason her parents think they are good together is because your son is good for their daughter and probably for them they are being selfish.

It is great that you still have lines of communication open with your son. And that he would sit with you and do the domestic violence test. I think it will be sinking in with him that this relationship is not normal but he probably feels very torn about what to do. He is probably scared that she will harm herself if he tries to split up with her, but doesn't know how to cool things down. Someone wiser than me will have a better idea about how to build up his confidence so that he feels more comfortable about standing up to her. Perhaps if she cries because he isn't at school he could turn round and say "come on, it's only a day and I was doing xxxxxxx". And he shouldn't feel he has to make it up to her if she is upset that he is playing sport. He should just say that his sport is important to him and he is going to do it. He could suggest that she also builds up outside interests. A problem is that a pattern of behaviour between the two of them has been created and it will be hard for him to now change that. It is great that he stood up to her when you had the joint meeting as that indicates that he is capable of doing so again, although it may be harder for him when it is just the two of them.

ive just read both our threads.
WOW what an awful siuation. really feel for our whole family.

Fingers crossed that your DS sees sense in time

OP, you are a brilliant mum and have done all you can.

A previous poster assessment sounds accurate re your son’s fear. It can be so hard to see beyond this fear when you are caught in the middle and are young and impressionable and have no experience of things turning out to be ok if you break off a toxic relationship.

Such a shame, he’s only 16 and this girl isn’t the only fish in the sea. I hope he can one day understand this and things get better for your family soon. It sounds like it’s time to put yourself first. Please look after yourself

Really hope they break up. The girl sounds unhinged. Agree DS should not stay over if at all stopable. Good luck op

Gosh I’ve just read through from the beginning. Whilst the stepping back must be incredibly hard and go against everything you’re feeling, I think you need to do it to protect your own MH. I also think she’s feeding on the drama and she’ll be annoyed with your lack of involvement.
However, be prepared that this in itself may cause an escalation in her behaviour so be on your guard for that. Good luck OP, you’re in a terribly difficult situation which sadly seems not uncommon judging by the other testimonies on this thread.

Reading this thread has brought back some horrible memories of my brother's relationship with his now wife.

He met her when he was in his twenties and the things she has done in the early days were horrific. Too many incidents to mention but stealing thousands from Mt parents, accusing me of forcing her to get an abortion and too many other things to mention.

They have been together for over 20 years now and neither my parents or myself have any relationship with either of them whatsoever.

My parents have tried to smooth things over numerous times but it always backfires so a few years ago they made the difficult choice of severing contact as it was making them both ill.

My SIL is a classic narcissist and I suspect has a complex mental health issue and my brother has been either her so long now he thinks her behaviour is normal. I suspect he is also quite scared of her.

Sorry OP this is not what you want to hear but if my brother has been younger when he met her my parents would have intervened much in the same way you have. As such he is a loss cause now.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope your DS sees the light sooner than later.

I think changing tack is a really good idea as it sounds like the old story of the more you try to separate them, the more they want to be together.

Would you suggest that perhaps they attend counselling together? Perhaps it would help if a professionally qualified counsellor viewed their dynamic and the two teens could talk openly in a safe space, it could go one of two ways (and hopefully your DS would finally be able to see her for who she is....)

Relationship counselling where one party is abusive is not recommended, for good reason!

Relationship counselling where one party is abusive is not recommended, for good reason!

This ^^

I agree that taking a step back is the only workable thing to do.
You can "forbid" all sorts of things, but if he wants to skip out the window at night, he will find a way.
MY DD started not getting off the school bus, or skip the last lesson so she could get out of school early as I went I waste pick her up.
She started to go missing, whole week ends, & sleeping on various sofas, mixing with older people & eventually doing drugs.
in the country where I live you are still a minor until 18 yo, We went to the police & said she was missing., they found her in a town half and hour away via her phone signal, she was LIVID with us, & rude to the police.. it was a pointless exercise, it made it worse.
We were forced to back off completely

"I went to pick her up"

@lemmein

My DDs bf's parents encouraged her to get her implant removed (at 16) so she'd fall pregnant and (in their sick heads) they'd have more chance to get a house and move in together 😳 His mum used to run my daughter a bath after he raped her, presumably to get rid of any evidence. They were 100% complicit in abusing my daughter - don't judge the parents by your own standards, their daughter has learned this behaviour from somewhere. They'll be using your son to keep her happy (their version of happy at least!)

That sounds absolutely horrific. I hope she's free of all of them now.

@workworkworkugh could you contact a men’s domestic abuse organisation and ask if a man who has undergone a similar controlling relationship to chat to your DS?

I still think you should tell his friends everything. He’s more likely to listen to his friends and other men that aren’t involved in this mess. An outsider’s POV.

Also, get the restraining order for yourself! You’re the one who’s at risk of being murdered! Normal teens do NOT discuss murdering their boyfriend’s parents!!

@timeforanewnameagain

Relationship counselling where one party is abusive is not recommended, for good reason!

Agreed!!

Really glad she'll be going to counselling. Her parents obviously know there's something very wrong even though they haven't said so to you.

A counsellor will obviously look 'behind' whatever she says, not automatically believe whatever she comes out with.

@Sallycinnamum

Reading this thread has brought back some horrible memories of my brother's relationship with his now wife.

He met her when he was in his twenties and the things she has done in the early days were horrific. Too many incidents to mention but stealing thousands from Mt parents, accusing me of forcing her to get an abortion and too many other things to mention.

They have been together for over 20 years now and neither my parents or myself have any relationship with either of them whatsoever.

My parents have tried to smooth things over numerous times but it always backfires so a few years ago they made the difficult choice of severing contact as it was making them both ill.

My SIL is a classic narcissist and I suspect has a complex mental health issue and my brother has been either her so long now he thinks her behaviour is normal. I suspect he is also quite scared of her.

Sorry OP this is not what you want to hear but if my brother has been younger when he met her my parents would have intervened much in the same way you have. As such he is a loss cause now.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope your DS sees the light sooner than later.

That must be so heartbreaking.

There is value in treating the relationship almost like an addiction. Al Anon tells family/friends to remind themselves that you didn't cause the addiction, can't control it and can't cure it. You need to protect yourself so the person can help themselves. All you can do is offer a safe space to escape to without judgment.

@timeforanewnameagain

Relationship counselling where one party is abusive is not recommended, for good reason!

Absolutely.

But I do think it might help the OP for herself.