My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2)

[workworkworkugh]

Just opening a new thread as I believe the other one is getting full.
Will try and link the old one

Hang on in there and keep going

It’s definitely looking more positive OP, as in he’s opening his eyes and looking at the situation he’s in. Hopefully this is a start to him finding his way out.

Did you find out why the gf and mum weren’t at the game?

@AliceMcK the GF was at work and the Mum was with her new bf.
This is why the GF kicks up every time she's at the Mums house, "if the mum can have her bf sleep over then the gf should be able to as well" is what we've been told.

At least it gave your DS a couple of hours breathing space and the opportunity for you to see him without her.

It actually sounds like she’s in competition with her mother. And it’s mind boggling how any mother would entertain their child comparing their relationship to two adults having a relationship. It definitely sounds like it makes the mum and her bfs life easier if the daughter is distracted with your DS x

I really dont understand this. It's like you've just checked out of parenting.

He is too young to be living with his gf. Be his parent. There is plenty you can do. He needs distance from that girl. He needs help. The first thing I would have done is remove his phone (which I guess you pay for) and go off on a family holiday. I also would have already have him in with a therapist to mediate a discussion between you all.

You're just letting it happen. She is not going to let him go. She's got her claws in and her parents are supporting it. He needs help because he cannot get himself out.

@Brokenpencilsarepointless

I really dont understand this. It's like you've just checked out of parenting.

He is too young to be living with his gf. Be his parent. There is plenty you can do. He needs distance from that girl. He needs help. The first thing I would have done is remove his phone (which I guess you pay for) and go off on a family holiday. I also would have already have him in with a therapist to mediate a discussion between you all.

You're just letting it happen. She is not going to let him go. She's got her claws in and her parents are supporting it. He needs help because he cannot get himself out.

What do you suggest we do? He earns enough to pay for his own phone. Should we physically force him into the car? As he's 16yo we can't make him come home, the police won't do anything either as he is safe and 16yo are classed as mature minors and can make their own decisions. We can't force therapy on him, again because of his age. If he does something to actively kill himself then we can get authorities involved and can force therapy but as parents we cannot do a single thing, and believe me we have looked at all avenues. Sixteen year olds have more rights than anyone.

@workworkworkugh - I don't think for one minute you've checked out of parenting. I think that's a ridiculous thing for someone to claim about you.

I've read every one of your posts. You've done everything you can.

I agree. To say you've checked out of parenting is wrong.

@workworkworkugh please don't for one minute think you have 'checked out'. The absolute opposite, you and your DH are all in. Keep strong

God, the mum lets them share a bed. Despite knowing your wishes! She sounds hideous. Both of her parents seem pretty lousy parents if they are unconcerned/can't be bothered to protect her emotional and physical health when it's clear that she's not only immature, but has a number of self esteem/controlling/trust issues. My bet if that they feel guilty about their own divorce and how it has affected her re her trust issues etv but they can't face admitting it. Or they are genuinely self absorbed and preoccupied with their new relationships.

P.s. I think that you are handling it well! There's not much you can do and it's important to focus on what you can, such as trying to keep a good relationship with your son. He will soon get bored of missing out on his home life.

Whilst I am surprised that he is moving on to live with his GF’s DF for this next week - understood it was just for one week? It does look like your connection with him is better and likely more productive. It’s v hard to resist going in all guns blazing because that’s what you want to do - but it’s a much more sensitive and complex situation that needs a different approach.

Well done for re-establishing contact - keep it light, nothing to do with the GF and get all the light fun things set up that he will want to do. You must be exhausted.

Help him to put down basic RS boundaries if he asks you. Don’t focus on them splitting up - just incrementally him getting more balance and space within the RS - then in time he will have detached enough to see her for what she is and be able to make decisions.

So for instance suggest he turns his phone off at work, training, when he is out with you etc and to tell her that he is doing this and won’t be taking calls / reading texts etc til after 11pm or what ever.

It think you're handling it really well op. It's easy to sit on the sidelines and say you need to do x,y and z but until you are actually in that situation and have tried everything else with very little support from any external resources, I guess it's hard to know what to do for the best. This sounds like the right approach now I think. Be there to listen, don't judge or comment and let him know you're there for him and hopefully he'll come around. She'll always find something she's not happy about, now she can't blame you, she'll turn her attention on to something else. Stay strong

Great job OP. It must have been v hard, but it sounds like you are doing everything right. The fact he was happy to meet with you and lingered abit afterwards - these are good signs.

Keep the lines of communication open. Keep it light and loving. What about another dinner this week? Either out, or at home so his brothers can see him. Cook his favourite meal. Say he should pick up some winter clothes. Have a great night and maybe all watch a film (or a board game - too cheesy?) and then drive him back again.

Make your home his safe space, his happy place, let him know the door is always open. Keep the mobile phone line open too, with texts etc. It will work out.

And remember - she didn’t get her hooks into him overnight, so it won’t end immediately either. Play the long game. You are winning him back, but it may take a bit of time.

Does he follow the sport he plays so well on tv? Did he used to watch the game with his father? (I’m thinking like rugby or AFL or soccer, where the games are on on the weekend). My nephew loves playing himself and then watching the game on tv with his Dad.

He could come over and watch a game, and have the family dinner (favourite meal) as part of that. Hard to resist, and if the GF doesn’t come to his games I assume it won’t be on the TV at his house.

@Brokenpencilsarepointless

I really dont understand this. It's like you've just checked out of parenting.

He is too young to be living with his gf. Be his parent. There is plenty you can do. He needs distance from that girl. He needs help. The first thing I would have done is remove his phone (which I guess you pay for) and go off on a family holiday. I also would have already have him in with a therapist to mediate a discussion between you all.

You're just letting it happen. She is not going to let him go. She's got her claws in and her parents are supporting it. He needs help because he cannot get himself out.

I've been reading these threads and silently cheering you on, OP. I am going through a situation with my child and it's going on 3 years now. I've always been hands-on, probably a bit too strict when they were growing up but always with much love. I could never, EVER have anticipated where I find myself now. Posters like this can never understand and to be fair I may have made comments like this myself at one point. Until you've lived through it you'll never be able to understand. You cannot force them to stay in the house (my child would escape onto the roof). Police, ESWs, parents cannot literally drag them from their beds - what good would that do? You cannot physically force them to eat or brush their teeth. Taking away the wifi or clearing their room of 'treats' such as the TV only works when you're dealing with 'normal' teenage strops and not at all when it's far deeper. My heart goes out to you OP and believe me, I understand. You're the polar opposite of 'checked out' because I know that what you're doing is taking more mental effort to sustain than what your maternal instinct WANTS to be doing.

It's really good that he came to yours for a meal, I'm so pleased - and that you were able to chat about things, even just a little bit.

I also agree that you are doing all you can at the moment - any heavier-handed and you run the risk of alienating him totally.

It's a nightmare path you're treading, but you're absolutely right - 16yos DO have "all the power" at the moment, and there is very little you can do without the support of the authorities, who currently are in a "it's their right to live their life how they want to" state of thought.

I'm disgusted with the GF's mum but it's pretty much to have been expected - she sounds like a totally incompetent "parent" - just wants to be BFFs with her daughter, so lets her get away with whatever. Ridiculous way to parent a headstrong child with potentially dangerous psychological issues.

OP he's talking slowly but positively to you guys.. its slow progress 🌸

How are you doing @workworkworkugh ?
Hope life is a little calmer for you

How's it going op?💐

thinking of you

We're seeing him later today so might have an update then.
Things haven't been great this week and even though he insists livi with her is not permanent, he seems unable to make a decision when he's coming home (probably scared of her reaction)

I hope it goes smoothly when you see him and it will re-inforce in his mind that life with you is much less complicated and calmer than with her

I hope the meet up went well. Think you are being amazing in this situation. I just can’t get my head around the whole thing.

This is my update that's over on Part 3:

Thanks for the well wishes.
I can't say we've stuck to the calm, loving attachment though unfortunately.
We haven't argued or got mad or anything and we've had some fun and nice conversations but we also have asked if he's coming home.

He's still using us to take him for driving lessons or to footy etc, it's frustrating that he hates us enough to not respond to messages or phone calls but we're good enough when he wants something.

Last night he repeated that it's not permanent but he doesn't know when he'll be home. He said he'd go back to her house and "see what happens", whatever that means.
They've moved to the Mums this week, so that usually means it's nightmare week.

We've also told him we love him and miss him and want him home (in past conversations) and tonight he told us that's not true and we don't mean it. Pretty sure that's her getting in his ear.