My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2)

[workworkworkugh]

Just opening a new thread as I believe the other one is getting full.
Will try and link the old one

I think you played your cards perfectly, OP.

I agree. Well done, that must have been super tough to do.

That’s an excellent update. You are calm, light and loving - it’s all about you, your family and him. It will be painful to do it this way - to resist triggered urges to be emotional and focus on her but it’s the only way to go.

When is his week with her up?

Well done OP. He will keep thinking of that interaction I'm sure.

Sterling work there, @workworkworkugh - as others have said, that will be a good feeling he has taken away from that interaction - loving, kind, supportive and non-dramatic.
Everything opposite to the GF and mother.

You did really well at the match. I did not agree with how you advised to tell your ds to leave if he wanted to. But my dd is only 12 so I remained silent. I really hope for your ds and your sakes this pans out ok.

So awful for you all.

Personally I would consider getting a mobile phone for your 12 yo so that your two youngest can communicate with your ds. Anything to remind him you’re all still there.

God, that must have been so hard to walk away after the match, OP, but I think you've done the right thing. Just turning up to watch as you always do and telling him you love him should hopefully reinforce in his mind that he has somewhere to come back to when all this is nonsense is over.

I gave him a kiss and a hug and told him we loved him and then we left.
We didn't linger and we didn't mention anything about what's been happening.
I'm happy with that.

I don't think you could have done things better OP.

Very glad the GF and mum weren’t there so you could be more yourselves with him. And it seemed to be a positive meeting.

Yes, perfect OP. Calm, loving, stable and reliable. You attended like you always do. You are showing him he is loved. Keep attending every week, keep the family links strong, albeit by quieter means.

You’ve dropped the rope in the emotional tug-of-war. There is no fight with you guys.
It will start to turn soon. Have faith!

Wow, that must have been so hard but I think you did absolutely the right thing.

You showed that you are calm and loving and not putting any pressure on him; perfect!

Well done! That must have been so hard but was just the right thing to do.

@nauticant

I gave him a kiss and a hug and told him we loved him and then we left. We didn't linger and we didn't mention anything about what's been happening. I'm happy with that.

I don't think you could have done things better OP.

I agree.

That must have been difficult.

I'd have struggled not to break down I think!

Well done made connection with zero drama it's definitely the way forwards.

OP this all sounds so incredibly stressful and heartbreaking. She’s utterly manipulative

How are your DS's siblings (if any) dealing with things, OP?

It must be incredibly stressful all round.

That can't have been easy OP; I think what @FollowYourOwnNorthStar said about dropping the emotional tug of war is spot on. Keep strong

Well done on dealing with it so well and keeping things positive with him. I'm amazed she wasn't there though!

Can't imagine how hard this is for you OP. You are one courageous and strong mother walking a very fine line and you are doing it perfectly.

[quote workworkworkugh]**@Hoghgyni* @BlueVelvetStars* mentioned that maybe I should start a new one.

[/quote]
Might need to consider when to start another thread OP. Really sorry you are going through all this. Don’t know about your son’s mental health, but your’s and dh’s must be taking a complete battering. 💐

It's here

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 3) http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4245195-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-3

I've been following your threads and think you've handled this extremely well. My only advice @workworkworkugh would be that if you do go to games to see him, just remind him there's no pressure to come home but he's always welcome to come back.

My DB was 21 and his girlfriend was emotionally and physically abusive. She often played the "your parents don't want you" card as due discussions and arguements over his general behaviour (completely warranted over other issues but that's besides the point) which led DB flying out the door into her arms. Obviously he was an adult and could go where he wanted to and we never actually knew about her abusiveness at the time as he moved in with her. It wasn't until my other DB mentioned a few black eyes he'd noticed and he came out with a few things that we were alarmed after they broke up. Unfortunately, he lost his job, got really down and got back with her. I can see from the outside that this is probably a result of feelings of failure, perceived love for her, the thought of other options as well as pressure to start earning again from parents, etc. There really is a cycle to this that is the same for males as well as females. Throughout, doors have been kept open, she is so toxic and he seems so blind to it when he's with her. He has come to visit on his own a few times so that's something. I hope he realises again soon but it seems that it's like an addiction.

That sounds really positive OP! He was probably glad to see you. I bet that he's already feeling claustrophobic there. Interesting that the GF and her mum weren't there.

Could you see if any of his friends wanted to watch him next week? If GF and her mother don't show up, then it's the perfect chance for him to reconnect with them.

He has now moved with her to the dads house for this week.

They were sleeping in the same bed at the Mums but the dad has told them to have separate bedrooms so we (me and DH) don't think the kids are only doing this to get their own way.
He said that because that's part of what we told the parents in the messages to them.
They really don't want to see the truth for what it is

Long story really short, after a few messages from DS (where he offered to let us give him the day off school and take him for lunch 🙄) we had dinner with just him last night.

I won't mention everything that we talked about but he said he needs to 'ease back into things' with us (aka: ease her out of it we're assuming)
And he admitted she was happy because he's there all the time and that him going out for dinner last weekend and her messages to him was the catalyst for all this.

We asked if he was happy and he couldn't really answer properly, he doesn't look happy to us and he seemed to linger in the car when we dropped him off, like he didn't want to get out of the car.
It was hard to say goodbye again, but glad we got to have a decent chat with him and it was about other things too not just the situation.