My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2)

[workworkworkugh]

Just opening a new thread as I believe the other one is getting full.
Will try and link the old one

simply trying to put a roof over someone's head who may not have had one for whatever reason

What a blood awful thing to say. They are clearly thriving on the drama as much as their daughter is.

@MadinMarch

I'd be tempted to message her back and tell her "Just to be very very clear, he has, and always will have, a home and a roof over his head with us, his family". Short and to the point. The grey rock again.

I like this message.

This woman is very strange but on some level she knows that getting someone else’s teenage son to move in with her (when the family clearly disapprove of his relationship) is a peculiar thing to do. So she’s rewriting it in her head as “rescuing” someone who might be made homeless.

Having read both threads, this is such a complicated situation and I think you need to time to regroup OP. Clearly, the girlfriend’s dysfunctional family is a nightmare to deal with and your son is currently caught up in their dynamic.

I think the idea of ‘grey rock’ is sensible but it will take time to take effect. In the short term, everything you do or don’t do will be seen as a message, to be used against you. For example, if you do respond to the mum’s text, this defeats the object of grey rocking but if you don’t respond, they will still believe that means she is right. The thing is, YOU CAN’T CONTROL THIS. It’s going to keep happening for as long as you have a relationship with your son and he stays in his relationship with her. So the only thing you can control is your reaction and that is where the grey rocking is useful.

For what it’s worth, I think you’re right to disengage and take some time out. Hopefully this will help to detoxify the situation between you and your son. The last thing you want is to become entrenched in opposite corners of the ring (so to speak) so that your family relationship becomes harder to heal when he does need you. He’s very young and there’s every reason to hope that he will extract himself at some point.

Take care of yourself at this point.

I think that is the problem however engaging with her is pointless because of this. She is rewriting the script to suit herself and benefit her daughter. It suits her to demonise the OP so no amount of dialogue or evidence will change that. People exist like this for years if not forever, she isn't suddenly going to see sense and admit the reality. She sounds as unhinged as her daughter so I doubt will ever " do the right thing" For what it is worth, I would totally act as if the mother and daughter didn't exist and just stay in contact with my son and hope one day he comes to his senses.

Sorry, that was a response to madinmarch.

They all sound mentally unstable, your poor son, hopefully the scales will fall from his eyes soon.

There is no need to reply or put it in writing or need to set the record straight. This isn't a court and in the future no one will pore over messages looking for evidence. The mother has not once listened to the op and she's not going to now. Like her toxic daughter she is deliberately trying to provoke emotional reactions from the op. Even if the op replies stating the obvious the mother will claim to think something else tomorrow that the op will want to explain or defend.

There is something called the explaining trap that is common with dysfunctional people. Anyone who's been in a abusive relationship will recognise the pattern of being accused of ridiculous things and the endless explaining that happens as they try to defend themselves. It's a powerful position for the accuser who is able to provoke intense feelings of injustice in the victim.

It’s so infuriating reading this thread. He’s just such a horrible self-absorbed brat for putting his parents through this.

He’s really not. His reaction was entirely due to her text. He is totally controlled by this girl.

Nobody made this 16 year old large boy hit the car, scream and shout and issue demands to be chauffeured around.He alone is responsible for that ridiculous behaviour regardless of how upset he might have been. Had he done that to someone else's car he'd have been arrested.

@Brokenpencilsarepointless

The more I read from your, the more I feel that you need to stop blaming the girl and her family. Your son's behaviour is atrocious. He is making these choices now, and you're not willing to take any hard steps about his behaviour. Nothing to do with the girlfriend; just his behaviour towards work, how he treats his family, how he treats his friends. He's being a spoilt, selfish brat. Maybe stop blaming it all on her.

Exactly. He’s old enough to know how selfish he is that the entire family dynamic and the upset of all of his family is down to choices he has made and , bizarrely, is continuing to make.

I think some people are so wrapped up in this thread that they can’t see that the beloved son is selfish as fuck

Whether he was a selfish fuck before he became enmeshed in this abusive RS only the OP can answer.

If his behavior has changed dramatically since then OP needs to view him compassionately as being under immense trauma and distress where he is emotionally dyregulated and scared of his abuser so releases his distress by kicking out at the safest place - his mother. He is not kicking out at the GF for her threats, demands and bullying.

This doesn't excuse his behavior but it might explain it - and it might inform the best approach to manage this situation and ultimately extricate him from it safely.

I am glad that the OP has sought professional help to guide and support her through this because I also see her as being under extreme emotional distress and therefore unable to think and act consistently (understandably) evidenced by her anxious hand wringing not knowing what advice to land on and both over reacting and under reacting at different times. This isn't a criticism its an observation and can also be seen by the emotional polarity triggered in many posters on this thread.

Its not normal stuff - as a family they have bumped into and become enmeshed in a unstable personality disordered system. It's not familiar to most of us so is shocking, frustrating, confusing and exhausting to find yourself in this dysfunctional vortex.

Normal rules don't apply. Escaping from this danger is akin to swimming across a rip tide or steering into a black ice skid. The point being that its counter intuitive which you couldn't possibly know without expert insight.

Don't beat yourself up about not knowing what your don't know - its just a shame that you and your family have to encounter this at all.

C'mon, be kind. Teenagers can behave horribly but that doesn't make them essentially awful people. I have every confidence that op's son will one day be reconnected with his family, loving and lovely. He's just going through a terrible stage. We experienced very similar with our 16yo, it was as though she'd been kidnapped and the pain was immense. I saw doctors, counsellors, lawyers, the school etc and everyone told me it was a long game but that she'd tire of them and come back to us. Which is exactly what happened. Yes she behaved abominably but do too did they and ultimately she is back to her family and to her beautiful self and we are all the wiser for it.

@Brokenpencilsarepointless

The more I read from your, the more I feel that you need to stop blaming the girl and her family. Your son's behaviour is atrocious. He is making these choices now, and you're not willing to take any hard steps about his behaviour. Nothing to do with the girlfriend; just his behaviour towards work, how he treats his family, how he treats his friends. He's being a spoilt, selfish brat. Maybe stop blaming it all on her.

I feel the total opposite...my friend had a similar situation with her DS who was in his early 20’s. He was a mild natured polite young man and he got hooked by this psychotic girl. The ‘girlfriend’ had total control over him and he was at her beck and call, regardless of the time of day or night. He had a full time job but would make excuses to pop out as she would ‘kick off’ and threaten all sorts of things. It’s abuse, end of. He even excused her behaviour (to his parents) when she threw a hot coffee over him. His friends tried to make him see sense and on some occasions he agreed with them but they think it was fear of what she may do and that it would be his fault (like an abused child) that kept him with her. After nearly 2 years the relationship broke down and thankfully, he became the loving kind son he once was.

All kids especially teens rebel against their parents but they always know home is the safest and most loving environment to be. They just push the boundaries. I honestly think OP’s son realises his behaviour isn’t acceptable but is completely controlled by this vicious girl so feels it’s easier to fall out with his DP’s than the psycho bitch from hell!!

Hang in there @workworkworkugh you are doing everything right. As parents we have to try and remain a ‘constant’ and secure outlet for our children, even during the toughest journeys along the parenting road.
💐💐

OP regarding the ''no roof over his head'' message - I think you should show some outrage about it. SO insulting!! How dare they?! Don't take it lying down - where are their brains in all of this?

The difficult thing about responding to this text is was so antagonistic any response feels like you are playing along with their game. It’s such a bloody ridiculous statement it demands correcting, but if you do then it’s acknowledging their beliefs.

Sssloou is giving some really great advice.

They are manipulating the narrative to be how kind and cool they are to take in a boy from a troubled home who just happens to be their daughter’s boyfriend. They are very cleverly making it sound like you are the unreasonable one. None of this can be easy for you but don’t play into their hands. Just keep repeating to him and them that you love him and support him and his home and family is always open to him.

Something along the lines of "There will never be any question that DS is welcome to come home to his family whenever he chooses. He will also be welcome at his grandparents."

@workworkworkugh her mum is ridiculous. Has your son officially moved out?

@workworkworkugh, I have a teenage son myself, and I feel for you and your whole family caught up in this incredibly difficult situation. Unfortunately I also have personal experience of abusive relationships, coercive control and toxic family dynamics. Please don't think that you should have known instinctively how to handle your DS's situation right from the start. People like your DS's GF and her mother operate according to a completely different set of rules, and unless you've come across people like this before, it's easy to remain unaware that a different rule-book even exists! In many ways it's like dealing with an alien species - all the normal expectations of behaviour and social interaction go out the window.

You've already had excellent advice from other posters to "grey rock" as much as possible. I would strongly suggest that you do not respond at all to the implied accusation that your DS was kicked out of home, however much the injustice of that stings. You can't reason irrational people out of a fantasy they have a vested interest in maintaining. The minute you try to defend yourself, you give the GF and her mother the oxygen of credibility - their accusation and your response become two sides with equal weight in an argument. If you don't respond, their accusation just dangles in the air like the piece of batshit gaslighting it really is.

I agree with previous posters that keeping a line of communication open with your DS is important, but I think any attempt to establish a two-way dialogue with him - even asking innocuous questions like what his plans are for the day - will be misrepresented by his GF as an attempt by you to exert parental control. With this in mind, I suggest you keep your communication one-way - text him mundane bits of news about family or friends every few days, or send him links to Youtube videos etc he might enjoy. In other words, keep the communication channel open without demanding anything in return from him - not because it isn't reasonable for you to expect a response from your own son, but because any expectation will be twisted by GF (and her mother) to appear unreasonable.

You might find the book "Toxic In-Laws" by Susan Forward helpful for providing some insight into your DS's behaviour as well as that of his GF and her parents.

To the posters who are so keen to point the finger at the OP's DS - stop victim-blaming. This is an adolescent caught up in an abusive relationship. You've only got to read the Relationships section of MN to realise that some grown adults take years to finally free themselves, mentally and physically, from abusive relationships like this one (and some never manage it at all). Along the way, plenty of adults in abusive relationships ignore help, don't listen to advice, fall out with family and friends over their abusive partner. Why on earth should we expect someone who isn't even legally an adult yet to handle this situation any better? This young man is acting out with his parents because he's overwhelmed and petrified, and his parents are safe targets - they don't threaten to self-harm if he gets angry or upset or disagrees with them. I can only assume the posters eager to vilify the OP's DS have never been on the receiving end of abusive behaviour themselves - try having some compassion for people who haven't been so fortunate.

This is so hard isn’t it. I would be utterly torn between ignoring and responding.

If you had to respond I’d go along the lines of “I don’t know what ds has said to you to make you believe he has no roof over his head. Our home remains his family home but it’s his choice as to where he stays.”

I’d also send one at the same time to ds that says “gf mum seems to think we’ve thrown you out. Just to be clear you always have a home with us.”

Then grey rock again. If he kicks off with arguments you ignore.

I haven't read all the posts on here, but have read all of OPs posts. Has anyone suggested that the mother of the GF is grooming the DS? From what I have read on here and my knowledge of safeguarding, I think that there could be an element of that.

To the posters who are so keen to point the finger at the OP's DS - stop victim-blaming. This is an adolescent caught up in an abusive relationship. You've only got to read the Relationships section of MN to realise that some grown adults take years to finally free themselves, mentally and physically, from abusive relationships like this one (and some never manage it at all). Along the way, plenty of adults in abusive relationships ignore help, don't listen to advice, fall out with family and friends over their abusive partner. Why on earth should we expect someone who isn't even legally an adult yet to handle this situation any better? This young man is acting out with his parents because he's overwhelmed and petrified, and his parents are safe targets - they don't threaten to self-harm if he gets angry or upset or disagrees with them. I can only assume the posters eager to vilify the OP's DS have never been on the receiving end of abusive behaviour themselves - try having some compassion for people who haven't been so fortunate.

Thank you for putting so eloquently what I wanted to say upthread. Fortunately, I have no personal experience of this but see the DS as totally the victim, with OP being upset because she cares so much about her son.

While I can understand his behaviour and, to some extent the girl’s as a very jealous love-sick adolescent, I just cannot fathom the mother’s at all.

I would find it very hard not to respond to the mother’s message but would not use Szyz’s wording as it is too involved and has an element of playing them off against each other. I think the brief and to the point wording posted up thread is better.

Everything @Thermopylae says.

Everything @Thermopylae says.

Any response would more than likely be twisted/used by the mum/her daughter to further alienate Op's son.

He also doesn't want to hear any of it, so best not give him any ammo either imo.

Don't get drawn into an argument with the mother, it wont do you any good. I would block her.

Unfortunately OP, even though this is your son, you can't help someone who doesnt really want to be helped. Your son just isn't there yet. Just be ready for when he is, that's all you can do.

Sorry you're having to go through all of this. Maybe use this time away from it to nurture the family that is there and make sure that when your son decides to come back then there is a lot to come back to.