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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2)

1000 replies

workworkworkugh · 19/04/2021 13:22

Just opening a new thread as I believe the other one is getting full.
Will try and link the old one

OP posts:
Blacktothepink · 11/05/2021 18:16

Perhaps they’re realising they’ve gained another dc by their ridiculous behaviour...good luck to them 🤣

Sssloou · 11/05/2021 18:25

It’s a long game and it’s a different game from normal life - often counter intuitive to our initial reactions.

No doubt this week he will have a grand old time as the heat from your end has dissipated so GF will be calm - and manipulative creepy GF mother will be flapping around him to keep her new carer hooked. Expect him to be content - temporarily - don’t be disheartened.

But if you can compartmentalise your RS with him it will help. EVERYONE needs to back off and take the focus of their RS and his acting out - including his GPs. Currently he is emotionally hyper and disregulated by the tug of war - so he can’t think or feel straight because he is tangled up in the trauma between you as well as the trauma bond created between them. He is being pulled all over the shop.

Know that you have done enough nudging, prodding, giving info on abusive RS and coercive control etc but right now the hyped emotional environment is preventing that info to settle, to be absorbed and to be considered objectively.

Only aim now is to get him into calm a emotional state - so that in his own time this information will settle and allow his true repressed emotions to be objectively considered and expressed. He then can’t continue to displace that anger and confusion into you if you have dropped the rope in that part of his life.

Less words - more actions - all v small incrementally steps over the next 6 months. Even when you aren’t talking - he needs to not sense your stress either through your body language or actions. Get back to big fun extended family and friend stuff that he won’t want to miss out on - always invite her - most likely she won’t turn up and if she does he will see how she ruins all the fun. Don’t be the distraction, don’t get in her way - give her the whole stage to herself.

madmumofteens · 11/05/2021 18:26

Batshit parents probably going to ask you for money to pay for housing your son next OP

nanbread · 11/05/2021 18:41

@Sssloou

It’s a long game and it’s a different game from normal life - often counter intuitive to our initial reactions.

No doubt this week he will have a grand old time as the heat from your end has dissipated so GF will be calm - and manipulative creepy GF mother will be flapping around him to keep her new carer hooked. Expect him to be content - temporarily - don’t be disheartened.

But if you can compartmentalise your RS with him it will help. EVERYONE needs to back off and take the focus of their RS and his acting out - including his GPs. Currently he is emotionally hyper and disregulated by the tug of war - so he can’t think or feel straight because he is tangled up in the trauma between you as well as the trauma bond created between them. He is being pulled all over the shop.

Know that you have done enough nudging, prodding, giving info on abusive RS and coercive control etc but right now the hyped emotional environment is preventing that info to settle, to be absorbed and to be considered objectively.

Only aim now is to get him into calm a emotional state - so that in his own time this information will settle and allow his true repressed emotions to be objectively considered and expressed. He then can’t continue to displace that anger and confusion into you if you have dropped the rope in that part of his life.

Less words - more actions - all v small incrementally steps over the next 6 months. Even when you aren’t talking - he needs to not sense your stress either through your body language or actions. Get back to big fun extended family and friend stuff that he won’t want to miss out on - always invite her - most likely she won’t turn up and if she does he will see how she ruins all the fun. Don’t be the distraction, don’t get in her way - give her the whole stage to herself.

I love this advice.
thequeenoftarts · 11/05/2021 20:43

Have you no family or friends in South East Asia or bally go backwards that is about as far as you can get from her and her crazy family ( I can see why she is nuts too ) and post him there to escape here. Make sure his phone gets lost on the journey and the phone signal is so bad where he is being sent that he cant get any messages. Ffs my heart breaks for you .

Fingersstuckwithsuperglue · 11/05/2021 20:54

I’ve been following your story @workworkworkugh and I’m so sad for you. I hope it works out for you all and that your son wakes up from the trance he’s in. Parenting is so tough, I think you’ve done all you could.
Best of luck Flowers

DeRigueurMortis · 11/05/2021 21:02

@thequeenoftarts

Have you no family or friends in South East Asia or bally go backwards that is about as far as you can get from her and her crazy family ( I can see why she is nuts too ) and post him there to escape here. Make sure his phone gets lost on the journey and the phone signal is so bad where he is being sent that he cant get any messages. Ffs my heart breaks for you .

The problem with taking him away somewhere is that it's more fuel for the drama (even if he agreed to go).

As hard as it is backing off and basically letting them get in with it is the best approach.

Think about the fact that this relationship is wholly "run" on drama and push/pull.

What happens when you take that that away? Where's the fuel?

What's left is a very demanding, controlling GF whose got absolutely no reason any longer to act that way.

The OP and her DH aren't the "problem" any more - she is - but he needs the space to realise that.

Tistheseason17 · 11/05/2021 21:28

FWIW I think you are doing the right thing, OP Flowers

overnightangel · 11/05/2021 21:46

“ We didn’t leave the restaurant until close to 11pm and in the car he was crying, hitting the car and yelling at us to take him to her as he needed to ‘fix things’ as she’d told him she was disappointed in him and he had let her down (and much more I’m sure) for being out with us.”

It’s so infuriating reading this thread.
He’s just such a horrible self-absorbed brat for putting his parents through this.

Beautiful3 · 11/05/2021 21:58

What an awful situation. I'm so sorry you're going through this. What are the parents messaging you? Is it updates on what they've been up to, or are they concerned about the situation too? I personally think you're doing really well. Let him go and make his mistakes. He ll eventually get kicked out of his girlfriend's home. I sincerely hope that he doesnt drop out of education and end up on benefits, whilst living at the girlfriends place. But there is nothing you can do, leave him to it, he knows where you are. He will come home one day. Flowers

workworkworkugh · 11/05/2021 23:14

The parents didn't respond to anything that we said in our msg, just that they're not trying to judge or interfere and they were "simply trying to put a roof over someone's head who may not have had one for whatever reason" 🙄🙄🙄
They know he has plenty of family and friends to go to, he just doesn't want to/she doesn't want him to.

They are quite well off, more so than us and money won't be an issue to them to look after him.

@Sssloou thank you. On the last part, we could do as many fun things, or extended family things as we want, he wouldn't come.

OP posts:
DeRigueurMortis · 11/05/2021 23:18

simply trying to put a roof over someone's head who may not have had one for whatever reason

I don't even know where to start with that. They are bonkers.

The apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.

BlueVelvetStars · 11/05/2021 23:26

Her wording is very manipulative and provocative.

She is undermining you and likely laying the foundations for creating the lie, that you threw your son out.

Grey rock now OP. 🌸

MadinMarch · 12/05/2021 00:21

I'd be tempted to message her back and tell her "Just to be very very clear, he has, and always will have, a home and a roof over his head with us, his family".
Short and to the point. The grey rock again.

JamieFrasersAuntie · 12/05/2021 01:27

I'd be tempted to message her back and tell her "Just to be very very clear, he has, and always will have, a home and a roof over his head with us, his family".
Short and to the point. The grey rock again

If you've read the thread you'll know the op is vulnerable and is struggling to disengage from this dynamic. I don't know if in real life you would actually respond to such bullshit, but I definitely wouldn't.

What on earth would it achieve?

me4real · 12/05/2021 02:03

I'd be tempted to message her back and tell her "Just to be very very clear, he has, and always will have, a home and a roof over his head with us, his family". Short and to the point. The grey rock again

If you've read the thread you'll know the op is vulnerable and is struggling to disengage from this dynamic. I don't know if in real life you would actually respond to such bullshit, but I definitely wouldn't. What on earth would it achieve?

@JamieFrasersAuntie IDK I think I would feel I had to reply to that. I'd feel it might jolt them into realizing it's bollox or feeling that they shouldn't be taking a boy from his family. Probably unlikely though, I know.

me4real · 12/05/2021 02:04

It'd also be putting it in writing that he is welcome at home, so no-one can claim otherwise.

Fingersstuckwithsuperglue · 12/05/2021 06:01

@me4real

It'd also be putting it in writing that he is welcome at home, so no-one can claim otherwise.
Yes I’d agree with that. It’s a small thing now in the grand scheme of things but it may become a huge part of the narrative. “Your mum kicked you out, you had nowhere to go...” etc etc Ugh, more infuriating behaviour from the parents. Not judging you Hmm oh god, how dare they?!
CecilyP · 12/05/2021 06:19

It’s so infuriating reading this thread. He’s just such a horrible self-absorbed brat for putting his parents through this.

He’s really not. His reaction was entirely due to her text. He is totally controlled by this girl.

CecilyP · 12/05/2021 06:33

simply trying to put a roof over someone's head who may not have had one for whatever reason

Blimey they’re deranged. Why would they say that. They surely know he’s only there because of their hysterical daughter.

Despite not wanting to be involved in any further drama, you can’t not reply to this blatant untruth.

"Just to be very very clear, he has, and always will have, a home and a roof over his head with us, his family"

I think Jamie’s wording is perfect; brief and to the point.

Justilou1 · 12/05/2021 06:42

Ugh.... those people are totally fucked in the head. I’m assuming it’s the mother.... Are the parents together or not? I’m so confused by this!!! I definitely think that you need to send that message and let the school know that this has been orchestrated by the parents.

Halfarsedwoman · 12/05/2021 07:04

I wouldn’t message the parent anything in response to this.

If I really wanted to set the record straight in response, I would send a text to the son saying that he is always welcome home and it will always be his home. I assume the OP has already done this many times already though.

KateTheEighth · 12/05/2021 08:13

Oh OP

This is so hard for you all

You are doing amazingly well Thanks

Toothpaste123 · 12/05/2021 08:54

@workworkworkugh I think they are playing a very dangerous game here.. potentially trying to turn your son against you to gain full control of him. Reply with what a pp said that your son does and always will have a home with you, so that it is in writing.
I would also make a habit out of texting your son every morning/day so he knows you're there and that you have not given up on him. I would say something neutral like 'Good morning son, what are your plans for the day? Love mom.. No demands to come home or to expect a reply, but just to let him know he's in your thoughts. He's still very young and he needs his mum even though he would never admit it. He needs to know his parents are there for him when he's ready.

Brokenpencilsarepointless · 12/05/2021 09:17

The more I read from your, the more I feel that you need to stop blaming the girl and her family. Your son's behaviour is atrocious. He is making these choices now, and you're not willing to take any hard steps about his behaviour. Nothing to do with the girlfriend; just his behaviour towards work, how he treats his family, how he treats his friends. He's being a spoilt, selfish brat. Maybe stop blaming it all on her.

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