My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2)

[workworkworkugh]

Just opening a new thread as I believe the other one is getting full.
Will try and link the old one

@workworkworkugh are you expected to pay for him when he’s there week by week?

You can be sad, let yourself feel whatever comes up. Just remember to stay consistent with what you share with your boy, you love him, you want him in your life, you're there for him. Now step back from his drama and give yourself space to deal with the emotional fall out. X

I’m so sorry. You weren’t getting anywhere with him though, you really did try.

so sorry OP 🤍

@workworkworkugh you are doing the right thing. You need to focus on your other DC and yourself and DH.

Your DS needs to come to his own senses. I agree with the broken record approach. Remind him that you love him, a lot, regularly.

But ignore the drama, crying, hitting things, etc. Maybe offer an ‘I’m sad that you’re sad. Because I love you.’ I wouldn’t ask him why he’s upset or what he’s going to do about it. I wouldn’t give him any advice. Because he knows what you think he should do. And whatever you say will be used to make you the scapegoat and to inflame the drama.

I hope you can find a supportive therapist for yourself. I would only find your DS one if he asks you to.

I’m sorry this is happening to you and I hope you can find a way through.

I'm torn between, 'Leave him to it - he'll work it out for himself eventually' and 'MOVE. AWAY. NOW'.

On balance I think I'm leaning to the second one. Total ban. This ends now.

@workworkworkugh

@workworkworkugh

We have replied to the parents (for the last time) and have sent a message to DS basically saying what you have all suggested. We are done.

We wonder what next week will bring but DH and I are united in our approach and have supportive family and friends around us so we will be ok.

I'm just so sad.

It's natural to feel sad about an outcome you have fought so hard to avoid. But you are absolutely doing the right thing and I'm sure your other DC will welcome having yours and your DH's focus be on them for a change. I'm sure your DS will find his way back eventually.

I commend you for how you've dealt with this, I cant begin to imagine how stressful this must be for you and your family. I hope this comes to an end for you soon

I honestly can't think of anything short of a full blown intervention that could possible work.

Is there the possibility of having family therapy? Not just him but you and DH in the room?

At least this way you would have a neutral observer who would be able to make referrals, maybe for the girlfriend?

I’m so sorry for you op

I really feel for you in all this!

Do any of his friends have girlfriends? I'd be tempted to say that your son should compare his relationship to those and see that the way she behaves is so not normal. She is bat shit crazy.

I think you have shown far more patience than I would have.

I really hope things work out and he finally realises what a little cow she is.

Have you spoken to your other children now, before they are in relationships, about coercive control and manipulation and boundaries in relationships? They have to have noticed what is happening and how your DS is behaving and the effect it is having on everyone.

It must be so utterly frustrating as a parent. Nothing you do feels right and all you can do is try and follow your instincts for your child.

I hope he sees sense sooner rather than later.

So sorry to read your update. I appreciate that it’s easy to comment from the sidelines. But you continue to criticise the girl’s parenting and blame them entirely. Yet, looking at it from outside of your somewhat distorted lens, you and your partner are pretty much appeasing and letting your own DS get away with bad behaviour for fear of losing him. It’s a bit simplistic to almost exclusively blame the girl and her parents when your son is acting pretty appallingly too. You cannot do much about the GF but you can deal with your DS.

A new page in the rest of your life OP. All the best. You did everything you could for the boy but he is obsessed. Hope he will eventually emerge unscathed and a lot wiser.

Of course you are sad

Huge hugs

I hope he realises quickly that she is completely toxic and he needs to leave.

Oh, you are bound to be upset stepping back wasn't going to make you feel happier but you can take back control of the effect of your life.
This might sound daft but an easy non confrontational way of keeping communication open could be to set up something like a WhatsApp family page. You can post memes you think he will find funny or family news. Keep it v v light but it might be less jarring then cutting him off completely

Just sending some kind thoughts to you

@JamieFrasersAuntie

He's the type that if we back right off he will claim that we don't love him or care about him and blame us for his mental health and I'm afraid will feel like he can't come back to us but if we try and help him that is also wrong

It doesn't matter what he "claims" it matters what is true. You cannot be a hostage to the drama because you're afraid if you don't he'll tell people you don't love him. This is manipulative on his part and not something you should tolerate.

I also think you need to stop being so afraid of what people might say or think.

I have followed throughout and not commented, and feel for you and your family going through this awful time. However, I do agree with this - your son appears pretty manipulative himself in these situations ( whether this is learned behaviour from her or not) and knows exactly how to get you to agree to what he wants.

OP, I can’t imagine how hard all this has been for your family. Hope he comes through the other side with his eyes wide open soon, knowing you will be there with your arms wide open when he does.

16 year old boy still needs the bank of mum and dad

As does the gf.

Reality hasn’t hit home yet.