My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2)

[workworkworkugh]

Just opening a new thread as I believe the other one is getting full.
Will try and link the old one

Read op, I've read all your posts and really feel for you. When my son was 16 he went to live with my mother for a year, I'm not going into the ins and outs as this is your post and he is nearly 30 now and the best son you could wish for. My point is at the time my ex h and I could take no more and werent dealing with his behaviour in a positive way, there was no gf involved and we continued to have family time together with him and his twin, we now look back and can see he was just growing up but not dealing with it very well (or us). When he returned home he was a different boy.

Be a broken record. "Our involvement is not helping you, so we will back off. We'll always love you, and will be there for you the second you need us, but for now for everyone's sanity, you have to make your own decisions and do your own thing. Remember we love you loads."

Broken record. Other responses need to be none committal. "oh dear that sounds tough. What are you going to do about it?" Throwing the ball back in his court each and every time.

You'll have to sit on your hands and zip your mouth, but you've got to offer no advice or comment. He'll get frustrated but do the broken record technique. He's got to come to his own realisation.

This is a very hard situation, and even if you have the perfect solution, getting him to engage with it could be impossible.

He needs "deprogramming". This is something many people need after an abusive relationship. These relationships often leave the victim with PTSD, and many other mental health issues.

The problem is that he is still in the relationship.

@Brokenpencilsarepointless

This is a very hard situation, and even if you have the perfect solution, getting him to engage with it could be impossible.

He needs "deprogramming". This is something many people need after an abusive relationship. These relationships often leave the victim with PTSD, and many other mental health issues.

The problem is that he is still in the relationship.

Posted too soon.

He's still in the relationship, so all of the issues wont come out yet but they are there, she is just controlling him so tightly that he cant let it out.

Why dont you suggest that you will back off from his relationship with her if he agrees to fully engage with therapy and possibly comes on a phone free family holiday. Find a therapist with experience in helping people after abusive relationships, give the therapist a full run down of what has happened and where your son is emotionally at the moment.

If he agrees to engage with the therapy in exchange for you relaxing the rules, it may help him see how wrong things are. I know it's a risk, he might ignore the therapy and get sucked in further but if that happens you can take other steps.

You have my complete sympathy.

My advice would be, as other PP have said, to starve this of oxygen. In my experience, people with PD enjoy the tension and drama (romance) of such situations. Once this is removed and the situation becomes mundane then they move on as they need to fulfil their craving elsewhere.

Step back and let your son have a less tense time at home. Keep making offers of fun times and set out clear ground rules of you need to keep your job and continue training so we don't have to mither you but we trust you to be an adult.

He will either mature, have his head turned or she will get bored of him. It's a straw fire - it burns intensely but has no substance. They sound a family of cranks - be the sanity he can come back to.

I wouldn’t call him when he’s there. I’d text him daily, I love you, I’m here for you. Not engage with any drama every time he says you don’t love him just reply with I love you.

I do realise that my son living with his grandmother is totally different to your son moving in with this toxic girl. My point was as others have said, let him go. For your sanity.

I wouldn't even text, tbh - any involvement would be weaponised. Just stop. It will hurt, but it has to. The mother is as fucked in the head as the daughter. Who the hell taught her everything she knows....

I’m sorry this is happening OP, hopefully this will be the turning point and make him see the crazy.

Another thought @workworkworkugh would couples therapy be the worst idea? Purely because no therapist on this earth will say the relationship is healthy, maybe the therapist can point out how abusive the girlfriend is being. That’s if they are honest with the therapist.

Oh OP I am so sorry that you are going through this such a difficult read some really excellent advice here I personally think drop the rope is what you have to do let him go let him know you love him and get on with your own life and look after yourself he will waken up to her sending love and strength xx

He's the type that if we back right off he will claim that we don't love him or care about him and blame us for his mental health and I'm afraid will feel like he can't come back to us but if we try and help him that is also wrong

Your mental health is important too though, as is that of your husband and your other children, this girl is ruining your whole entire family - and he is still choosing her so as awful as this sounds, its maybe time for him to learn the hard way! Agree with others staying to starve the whole thing of your attention, tell him you love him unconditionally and you will be right there waiting for him whenever he needs (make that very clear) but this situation is making you ill so you want nothing more to do with it, tell him it is up to him how he choses to play his relationship and he can go be with her if he wishes, but don't facilitate it in any way, no lifts to her house, she isn't to come into your house and no more contacting her parents or her/them contacting you, just grey rock the whole thing, but be positive and engage when talking about anything else

It sounds like your son will be living there every other week.

From my experience this isn't going to work and I think what's going to happen is that your son is going to purposely generate some sort of crisis that's going to justify him moving in with them properly. This is where it's heading and I think you should be prepared for it.

Once he has moved in with them ,they and him will continue to generate drama. As a pp said your involvement here is vital to the dynamics. My dd would play us off against each other and would call us crying with daft dramas or move home for short periods before going back. Again and again and again.

Detachment is necessary and it will happen. Either now in a firm kind way with boundaries, or later down the line when you are so exhausted and resentful that you cannot take anymore.

I'm sorry to read that this is still chuntering on, and that the GF's mother is making your life that much harder with her stupid pandering.

I know that your DS won't do anything about it yet, but it might be worth letting him have the DV phone number just in case she does lose it with him in a dangerous way - mensline.org.au/ will get you to the number (Don't know which state you're in but this is a national effort) - or in case he realises that he's being mentally and emotionally abused and wants to work out how to escape without causing her trauma.

I agree with everyone else saying you just need to step away now - let him know that you are still there, and will always be there for him, but now you're going to let him get on with it.
I'm not even sure that you should contact him daily - that might, in itself, be too much - but definitely regularly.

I feel awful for you op. Hope he sees sense soon.

He's the type that if we back right off he will claim that we don't love him or care about him and blame us for his mental health and I'm afraid will feel like he can't come back to us but if we try and help him that is also wrong

It doesn't matter what he "claims" it matters what is true. You cannot be a hostage to the drama because you're afraid if you don't he'll tell people you don't love him. This is manipulative on his part and not something you should tolerate.

I also think you need to stop being so afraid of what people might say or think.

@LoudestCat14

OP, I've been reading both your threads from the start and I have to agree with others – it's time to let him get on with it. For the sake of your marriage, your mental health and your other DC, you need to take a step back and leave him to stew and make his own mistakes. I would, via his grandparents, who seem like a good intermediary, make it clear you are not throwing him out but the situation has become so toxic that you're letting him do what he needs to make him happy and if that means staying with her, so be it even though we know it's really to make her happy. Stop engaging with the parents, who are absolute numpties, and only engage with your DS when he contacts you. Tell his school what's going on and make sure they know where he's living.

So much of her power over him is from retaliating to your involvement – if you stop being involved, she's got nothing to hold over him and he might (as a PP's daughter did) finally realise how poisonous she is.

I agree with this. And what @Twoforthree said above Be a broken record. "Our involvement is not helping you, so we will back off. We'll always love you, and will be there for you the second you need us, but for now for everyone's sanity, you have to make your own decisions and do your own thing. Remember we love you loads."

Broken record. Other responses need to be none committal. "oh dear that sounds tough. What are you going to do about it?" Throwing the ball back in his court each and every time.

You'll have to sit on your hands and zip your mouth, but you've got to offer no advice or comment. He'll get frustrated but do the broken record technique. He's got to come to his own realisation.

Just let him know you are always there for him and you love him.

Surely no therapist would give couples counselling to two teenagers? That's bonkers.

I agree with backing off now, as hard as it will be. The whole "we love you, we'll always be here for you when you need us to be but we're done with the drama now" is a good idea. I think the GF will soon get bored of him if she doesn't have you to play him off against

^^That

And even if he comes home when she’s at her dad’s, stop running around after him

He wants his own way? For your sanity, now’s the time

I have felt from the very beginning that the person running the show is the girl s mother.

Is there anyway to stop her.

We have replied to the parents (for the last time) and have sent a message to DS basically saying what you have all suggested.
We are done.

We wonder what next week will bring but DH and I are united in our approach and have supportive family and friends around us so we will be ok.

I'm just so sad.

They appear to like the drama sadly. They need it to provide stimulation to their dull lives. Your son has been sucked up.
The girl needs counselling- she sounds like she has an emotionally unstable personality disorder. I hope she goes.
She seems to have had her own way with her mother facilitating this.
You can only step back and not feed the drama.
Must be very stressful. You cannot fix him or her.

I am so sorry. You have done everything you realistically can do .

She isn't the only one being manipulative.

I’m sorry @workworkworkugh. It’s really really tough. I think stepping back is the right thing to do for now. Keep the channels of communication open. Keep letting him know you love him and miss him. Don’t say anything negative about the gf. Or her family. Hard as it may be!