My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2)

[workworkworkugh]

Just opening a new thread as I believe the other one is getting full.
Will try and link the old one

Jesus this just gets worse, I am so sorry OP.

I'm so sorry that things have got to this point. As others have said, I think that you just need to step away to some extent to protect yourself and the rest of your family from all the anguish. Are you going to get counselling for yourself?

OP.

Step back and give yourself and the rest of your family some breathing space.

I would suggest that you do not let him move in and out week by week. He lives with his gf now regardless of whether she’s at her mum or her dads.

Invite him for a meal one or twice a week, but then he must go home to his grown up drama filled relationship. He will wake up and get bored with it all once the safety net seems to have gone.

Don’t fund him more than the basics so you know he can contact you. Keep in touch but lightly. No arguments, no rising to the bait, no responding to nonsense on social media. Grey rock every time you hear the gf’s name. She’s no longer of interest to you.

I cannot imagine how hard this is for you but stay strong.

O op, I’d hoped she’d have really messed up and he had come to his senses by now.

I think telling him your done is the right thing. He can’t have it both ways, tell you you don’t love him and then treat you like shit for trying to protect him. You sound like you have bent over backwards to do what’s best for him and support him when many others would have kicked him out by now, I know I would.

I know your not keen to completely cut him off, but if he wants to be with her then you should not be the ones to support him going forward. If he wants out and be a man making his own choices then he has to take responsibility like a man and support himself. I personally wouldn’t text him either as he may say your harassing him. I’m sure a lack of contact between now and when he’s supposed to come back might give him train for thought. I certainly wouldn’t tolerate him using my home as a hotel either and picking and choosing when he lives there.

I was thinking about you last night and thinking her parents should read this thread and see other people’s perspectives of what their daughter has turned into. Maybe your son should see that there are so many other out there that would not have put up with this crap too.

Good luck, now you have made the call let’s home you can start focussing on trying to get your own mental health on track and focus on the family you have under your roof.

For what it’s worth, I think you are doing the right thing. I think it’s all you can do now. I’m sure it won’t be long before he sees sense.

I’m sorry to say it but I really think you need to step back now. Stop asking him about the time he spends with her, it will only be used against you at a later date where she’ll accuse you of prying. Stop texting either the girlfriend/parents or be complicit with any contact with them at sports games, just stay away. He will see through her in his own time but your attempts to ‘help’ are playing into her hands. You say how difficult it is being blamed by him and you want to support him when it all goes wrong but he is a teenager, whatever you do ‘not care/care too much’ it will be wrong as for most teenagers parents are always wrong.

@fib11235

I’m sorry to say it but I really think you need to step back now. Stop asking him about the time he spends with her, it will only be used against you at a later date where she’ll accuse you of prying. Stop texting either the girlfriend/parents or be complicit with any contact with them at sports games, just stay away. He will see through her in his own time but your attempts to ‘help’ are playing into her hands. You say how difficult it is being blamed by him and you want to support him when it all goes wrong but he is a teenager, whatever you do ‘not care/care too much’ it will be wrong as for most teenagers parents are always wrong.

You should perhaps consider READING OP's update.

Just a thought.

Um I had read the update and the whole 2 threads @BlueVelvetStars that’s why I felt entitled to post like everybody else but if you don’t like it perhaps you can start a thread titled for your point of view only and I promise not to comment

I would be very worried about a pregnancy. If he is going to live as a couple maybe he should leave school and find a job. ( is that possible in Australia?) Then if he becomes a father he will be able to help support the three of them. I don’t think I would want to keep paying school feed for someone so disrespectful.
This is a horrible situation; you have my sympathy.

*fees

Have read all the posts- I have been here with my foster son and it was absolute hell. It went on for two years and eventually ended the fostering placement after eight years.
What I will say is that the relationship did eventually break down- and she actually ended it when she met someone else. Hold in there. It is horrific but he will wise up eventually.

Should say- what did work with getting the girlfriends mother to send him home was playing her bluff that he would move in permanently and did she want me to let the benefits office know so they could adjust her benefits. May not apply to this mother but could work if it does.

Hi Op, really sorry that you are going through all this. I think you have done the right thing to step back. I would also be very tempted to tell him, that if he thinks he is an adult and can do what he likes, that you will in future treat him as such and will no longer be funding him. I know that you don’t want to alienate him and you want to make sure he has use of a phone etc., but maybe it is time for some tough love?

Meanwhile spend some time with your other children, they have done nothing wrong but will also have suffered through this debacle. Hopefully, seeing what has happened with their brother, they won’t ever fall into a similar situation! 💐

For example: he screamed that he hates it with us and wants to leave, we said ok if that's the case you can stay with family to have some space and suddenly he's claiming we don't care about him and are trying to kick him out.

I’m glad you’re done OP. They seem to have built themselves up as Romeo and Juliet in their heads, with help from her parents.

It’s like a perfect storm of personalities, they thrive off each other and the drama.

Taking a step back will deflate their egos and they’ll get bored of it. Grey rock them.

I’m sorry it’s come to this, but I think you have had to draw a line in the sand. I’m sure he knows he can come back when it’s totally over. This situation’s so sick for you all. When he does, it will have to be conditional that there is to be no contact with any of them ever again.

I don't know whether you're (still) receiving parenting payment or whatever for your son, but if so, make sure this nutter mother can't somehow start claiming them instead.

I'm sorry it's come to this point. I just hope DS sees some sense very soon and gets away from these insane people.

@fib11235

Um I had read the update and the whole 2 threads *@BlueVelvetStars* that’s why I felt entitled to post like everybody else but if you don’t like it perhaps you can start a thread titled for your point of view only and I promise not to comment

you clearly hadn't read OP's decision in update.

Well done @workworkworkugh , please let us know how you get on at the doctor's if you want to share.

She is bringing out the worst in him. He has his own weak points.

But I'm sure he'll be back.

It's easy to say bbut make time to do activities that relax you and bring you some pleasure- nice programmes etc, whatever else gives you a bit of happiness/entertainment, chat to friends and loved ones. Go for walks and so on.

Some people like a bubble bath, etc. Distract, comfort and amuse yourseelf in any way possible- you could even write a list of activities and things that give you pleasure or you might like and make sure you do things off the list. (as Covid rules allow.)

@Pottedpalm

I would be very worried about a pregnancy. If he is going to live as a couple maybe he should leave school and find a job. ( is that possible in Australia?) Then if he becomes a father he will be able to help support the three of them. I don’t think I would want to keep paying school feed for someone so disrespectful. This is a horrible situation; you have my sympathy.

In answer to your point about leaving school to get a job in Australia at 16 - yes, it's possible but it should ideally be a paid traineeship. Students are expected to stay in school til the end of Y12 (we have one less year than the UK) but can leave after Y10 if they are going into a traineeship or paid employment. If the OP's son has completed Y10 then yes, he can leave school - but let's hope it really doesn't come to that!

@Pottedpalm

I would be very worried about a pregnancy. If he is going to live as a couple maybe he should leave school and find a job. ( is that possible in Australia?) Then if he becomes a father he will be able to help support the three of them. I don’t think I would want to keep paying school feed for someone so disrespectful. This is a horrible situation; you have my sympathy.

worry will make no difference. These child-adults want to play grown ups and that territory includes taking responsibility for themselves. Nothing anyone else can do but be there to support them when they're ready.

Painful to see someone in your family in such an unhealthy situation but OP has done and is doing all she can. She's right to step back and take time out from the drama.

Go to the mums house and take his things to him.
Request his keys and explain you will not be funding his schooling anymore.
Give him one final chance to come home and make it clear this is what you’re doing.
He is being disrespectful and it isn’t fair to you or your other children, if he wants to play these games he can and can do it completely by himself.

I’ve just read both threads OP

Regardless if your sons in a abusive relationship he to take responsibility for his own actions in this. He knows you yet he has still chosen to walk this path with her.

I’d actually let him know the door is always open but I’d leave him be and go grey rock with them both. I’d absolutely prepare yourself for baby news.

This relationship isn’t running out of steam anytime soon. Those two will be loved up at her mothers house in their little love nest.

There is a thread running at the moment about a son in law and I think you should read it because it’s where I think you will end up eventually and you need to protect yourself. And remind yourself - your son IS a willing participant in this. He will know what he is doing to you.